Two genders Two Tails

August 2015-2016 Journey

Hi All!

We are back for Part two which goes from August 2015… well to August. On the last post I left it at my works outing where it was the first time I presented as female in front of work colleagues that I currently work with and that it went so well.

Now is a great chance to go grab a coffee or preferable an alcoholic beverage, a bag of Maltesers and sit back and I hope you enjoy as we continue from my works outing.

  

I’m not a person to look in the mirror and think that I look stunning but these pictures I look at and I think “Wow.” These pictures made me start to question myself, throughout my time with my colleagues at the staff night out I was like “This is so me.” I’ve never felt so in tune with my body and so relaxed which I didn’t want it to end.  

It was the next day where I was presenting as male the dysphoria of how I was presenting hit me. I hated every minute of being who I was brought in the world as, I hated wearing male clothes. I hated everything about myself that I wasn’t female, and it hurt so much I had to run to the toilet and I cried. Crying is something I’m not used to doing or feeling and I haven’t cried in many years.

It was then on the 31^st of December when I next presented as female that was to bring the new year in but this time as female. As per usual I was alone for this new year, it did suck many people was with friends and family, where I thought fuck it and did some pictures in my flat.

After a boring time entering the new year it was on the 3^rd January where I’ve had my first scare going out as female. During the day I went shopping and bought loads of clothes and when I got back I couldn’t get hold of anyone as I wanted to go out, unfortunately it set my dysphoria off in a very bad way and aggressive way. I needed to get out so I decided to go for a walk and that was down a pitch black canal. After walking about a mile I had no issue apart from when I came off the cannel and in a dark street. Where about twenty maybe thirty yards away a guy was running full pelt past me not sure how he spotted me, but he slowed down and crossed the street and was walking towards me. That was all I needed as I thought I would have to talk and at this stage which I’ve not practised any voice training at all. Turned out he was a weirdo that was just looking at me as I walked past him as if he wasn’t there, I proceeded onto the main road probably about 10 yards when I looked back and he hadn’t moved and still looking at me. I picked up the pace and looked back a few mins later when he was following me, he saw me look and put his hand up to wave which I ignored him and carried on. The road got busy and I didn’t see him after that. What a close call.

It was here where I started to talk to Alison as she was also in this situation and we’ve spoken ever since. She is also a trans person that is going through her transition also. Alison is defiantly on my respect list. She has helped me through chatting on Facebook and answered so many questions so a thank you to you hun.

These pictures are import mainly for blogging as it was when I first got my DSLR Camera which is a Nikon D3300. I love this camera and it has made the quality better… Can’t say for the pose here though. I do feel at this time I was tired mentally and physically as I would have been at my job for 4 months and working through Christmas and being ill, unfortunately it’s hard to keep how you feel about yourself at bay.

                   Left: On my way to work.   Right: Just as I was about to clock in.

10^th January this has to be a massive step for me as I went into work as female for the first, it was an extra shift and out of hours so we weren’t open to customers so they wouldn’t see me. The shift went extremely well and I enjoyed it, unfortunately it was hard as I had to lift heavy objects I had help but still heavy work and with the wig being thick I was soon burning up and sweating so I had to remove beanie so I could cool down. The night didn’t end there after finishing the shift I went home got changed retouched my makeup and went out for a random drive with one of my friends. During the journey I needed to stop off at a motorway service at Sandbach in Cheshire for the loo, where I went into the female toilet did my business and fixed my makeup. A women looked at me funny where I didn’t care and did my makeup anyway. I think it was down to me having a full bag of makeup on the side that got her, I don’t think she clocked me as being male though.

 Left: Services

 Right: when I got home from work 

             

It wasn’t long after this on 25^th I decided to meet one of my best friends Vicky. It was something that should have happened over a year before when I went out to a pub around the corner from. Vicky has always been supportive of me from the very start and even gave me loads of makeup to get started which I still used some for almost a year after. That day was the first time I caught the bus by myself on the way home but also was out by myself which I didn’t feel brilliant at the time.

Left: In the town centre alone and scared…ish

Middle: On the bus home

Right: with my bestie while she’s trying to cover a spot… Sorry Vicky

I decided to wear light makeup which for me was;

… Foundation

…Blusher

…Eyeliner

…eye shadow

…mascara (because no women should be without)

…touched up my browns (just not very good)

I wore my long leather jacket from New Look, over the knee boots from River Island, tights to dress down the boots and I think it was a black dress or a red dress from New Look. Even then I still felt over dressed and uncomfortable. This was also the first time I wore my new wig.

January was a busy month so I’ve decided to leave it there as right now if you have come this far you have read over 1000 words which include numbers. January was not just about what I did, but also social networking. Just after I went out for the works night out I started talking to plus a few others. My popularity in group soon started to rise and I was chatting to more and more people, mainly in January, I was being invited to more Trans* groups but I quickly learned that the Trans* community wasn’t all that friendly and in stayed in clicks. It opened my eyes and soon learned the type of people I didn’t want to associate with.

I really didn’t think that one month would take up a whole post but this is something I can’t plan and will back track on the next one about the people that I spoke with, my decision to transition and joining the Trans* Community plus much more to come. 

Thanks for reading

Sarah

xx