Two genders Two Tails

I managed to get a bit of energy from when I wrote on here about resting and I’ve decided to write about the last twelve months which will include Sparkle, New place of employment (no brand name) and other bits of news which will be split into parts as it will be too long to read.

These last twelve months has defiantly been a test not just physically but mentally in many ways. I’ve been ill which for everyone that has read this blog before or worked with me knows that I’ve spoken about more times than Dave Whelan mentioning about breaking his leg an FA Cup Final when Wigan Athletic reached and won it in 2013.

In August 2015 I handed a Doctor’s Note and in within two hours the place where I worked ended my contract making me unemployed for the first time since I left school in August 2006. With the room spinning I knew that I had to do something for money, within two days I went to the Job Centre to sign on JSA (Job Seekers Allowance) but they turned me down because I was unwell, which I was told to go on the sick. This meant for around a month I had to keep going to the doctors for a sick note and sending it off, I still remained hopeful though because this gave me time to look for a job that I want without having to spend thirty plus hours a week looking for work and applying for jobs that I didn’t want to do, and I wanted to stay in the computing/electrical industry.

At this time, I was confused with my gender as in July when I still was thinking I was Bi-Gender I wasn’t presenting as female. I remember I last went out with my Dad and it was in daylight for the first time, and since then I just felt normal and when I did research it happened to other people that was also Bi-Gender, where they wouldn’t present as the opposite gender they were born as. Just before my Birthday one of the two jobs I applied for gave me an interview, that was hard I had to do a presentation to impress which I did an animation and got another interview where I had to work for a few hours. Not sure how I passed them both with me looking white as a sheet and not walking great.

Having vertigo was the scariest thing I’ve ever had and since leaving school in 2006 this was the first time I’ve ever been as ill as that. I’m not a person that scared of anything, but having four full grown adults lifting you out of bed, when your laying helplessly shaking and thinking the world was going to end really was something that I’ve never felt before. Being off I really hated as I like to be actice and doing things which pretty much I was unable to do. I hope I never have to sign on because that wold hurt. I love working, I love testing myself physically and mentally which is why I hated being off. It wasn’t like I could go into my garden and chop the weeds down, and yes chop.

From my first shift in September 16th till around mid-November it was hard. Every day was a challenge again physically and mentally where I was in bed before 10:30pm -11pm because I was drained, I had to think about every step I took  but since 7^th August 2015 I didn’t do one thing and that was rest. By October I thought my female side had gone for good. I packed all my female clothes away took my female Facebook profile down…

  I'm back 4th November

I was wrong at the start of November when I was starting to feel me… Ish. Then my feelings came back and of the 4^th November I presented female for the first time since 12^th July. I soon came out to work colleagues and the reactions I got was positive and the talk was all on the Christmas night out in who I would be coming as. Nick or Sarah? I was unsure at first as it would be a first in many ways for me if I went as female, but leading up to it I started to join Facebook groups for trans people and started to talk to people and following their journeys that became inspiring to me. 

It was till I saw a picture of other Trans* people out and about in bars on the day, it got methinking about how I felt before the works Christmas night out. The fight in my attitude came back where it was “If they can do it why can’t I?” So I started to get ready and I went out as female. The night went so much better than I ever could imagined and I would like to thank my work colleagues and my boss for being great and understanding and very supportive. It was when I got home I started to realise that I was more than just Bi-Gender.

Twelve months ago I was jobless and fucked. It was like the world put a road block in my way, I was losing weight fast, I was losing hope fast, my gender was pretty much nowhere and I felt my identity was striped. Even though the world was spinning, a road block in my way and being sick every day I still got up. There are a few things I have a passion for and that is not giving up, it’s helping people but most of all giving the middle finger to those how say I can’t do something and to those who screw me over. I never stopped believing and carried on till I managed to get a job within a month as the world spun by. It’s something I’m proud of that I didn’t give up.

I could of happily stayed at home and waited till I recovered, but I couldn’t change anything just sitting on my couch in Wigan. (slightly ripped that part from CM Punk but it’s true)

“Barriers are only there to stop you, it’s up to you how to get over them” (That’s Mine)

I’m going to leave it there for this part. 

Over the next coming parts these are some of the people that have inspired me, helped me and I will be mentioning these people and more people in upcoming posts.