August 2015-2016 Journey

Hi All!

We are back for Part two which goes from August 2015… well to August. On the last post I left it at my works outing where it was the first time I presented as female in front of work colleagues that I currently work with and that it went so well.

Now is a great chance to go grab a coffee or preferable an alcoholic beverage, a bag of Maltesers and sit back and I hope you enjoy as we continue from my works outing.

  

I’m not a person to look in the mirror and think that I look stunning but these pictures I look at and I think “Wow.” These pictures made me start to question myself, throughout my time with my colleagues at the staff night out I was like “This is so me.” I’ve never felt so in tune with my body and so relaxed which I didn’t want it to end.  

It was the next day where I was presenting as male the dysphoria of how I was presenting hit me. I hated every minute of being who I was brought in the world as, I hated wearing male clothes. I hated everything about myself that I wasn’t female, and it hurt so much I had to run to the toilet and I cried. Crying is something I’m not used to doing or feeling and I haven’t cried in many years.

It was then on the 31^st of December when I next presented as female that was to bring the new year in but this time as female. As per usual I was alone for this new year, it did suck many people was with friends and family, where I thought fuck it and did some pictures in my flat.

After a boring time entering the new year it was on the 3^rd January where I’ve had my first scare going out as female. During the day I went shopping and bought loads of clothes and when I got back I couldn’t get hold of anyone as I wanted to go out, unfortunately it set my dysphoria off in a very bad way and aggressive way. I needed to get out so I decided to go for a walk and that was down a pitch black canal. After walking about a mile I had no issue apart from when I came off the cannel and in a dark street. Where about twenty maybe thirty yards away a guy was running full pelt past me not sure how he spotted me, but he slowed down and crossed the street and was walking towards me. That was all I needed as I thought I would have to talk and at this stage which I’ve not practised any voice training at all. Turned out he was a weirdo that was just looking at me as I walked past him as if he wasn’t there, I proceeded onto the main road probably about 10 yards when I looked back and he hadn’t moved and still looking at me. I picked up the pace and looked back a few mins later when he was following me, he saw me look and put his hand up to wave which I ignored him and carried on. The road got busy and I didn’t see him after that. What a close call.

It was here where I started to talk to Alison as she was also in this situation and we’ve spoken ever since. She is also a trans person that is going through her transition also. Alison is defiantly on my respect list. She has helped me through chatting on Facebook and answered so many questions so a thank you to you hun.

These pictures are import mainly for blogging as it was when I first got my DSLR Camera which is a Nikon D3300. I love this camera and it has made the quality better… Can’t say for the pose here though. I do feel at this time I was tired mentally and physically as I would have been at my job for 4 months and working through Christmas and being ill, unfortunately it’s hard to keep how you feel about yourself at bay.

                   Left: On my way to work.   Right: Just as I was about to clock in.

10^th January this has to be a massive step for me as I went into work as female for the first, it was an extra shift and out of hours so we weren’t open to customers so they wouldn’t see me. The shift went extremely well and I enjoyed it, unfortunately it was hard as I had to lift heavy objects I had help but still heavy work and with the wig being thick I was soon burning up and sweating so I had to remove beanie so I could cool down. The night didn’t end there after finishing the shift I went home got changed retouched my makeup and went out for a random drive with one of my friends. During the journey I needed to stop off at a motorway service at Sandbach in Cheshire for the loo, where I went into the female toilet did my business and fixed my makeup. A women looked at me funny where I didn’t care and did my makeup anyway. I think it was down to me having a full bag of makeup on the side that got her, I don’t think she clocked me as being male though.

 Left: Services

 Right: when I got home from work 

             

It wasn’t long after this on 25^th I decided to meet one of my best friends Vicky. It was something that should have happened over a year before when I went out to a pub around the corner from. Vicky has always been supportive of me from the very start and even gave me loads of makeup to get started which I still used some for almost a year after. That day was the first time I caught the bus by myself on the way home but also was out by myself which I didn’t feel brilliant at the time.

Left: In the town centre alone and scared…ish

Middle: On the bus home

Right: with my bestie while she’s trying to cover a spot… Sorry Vicky

I decided to wear light makeup which for me was;

… Foundation

…Blusher

…Eyeliner

…eye shadow

…mascara (because no women should be without)

…touched up my browns (just not very good)

I wore my long leather jacket from New Look, over the knee boots from River Island, tights to dress down the boots and I think it was a black dress or a red dress from New Look. Even then I still felt over dressed and uncomfortable. This was also the first time I wore my new wig.

January was a busy month so I’ve decided to leave it there as right now if you have come this far you have read over 1000 words which include numbers. January was not just about what I did, but also social networking. Just after I went out for the works night out I started talking to plus a few others. My popularity in group soon started to rise and I was chatting to more and more people, mainly in January, I was being invited to more Trans* groups but I quickly learned that the Trans* community wasn’t all that friendly and in stayed in clicks. It opened my eyes and soon learned the type of people I didn’t want to associate with.

I really didn’t think that one month would take up a whole post but this is something I can’t plan and will back track on the next one about the people that I spoke with, my decision to transition and joining the Trans* Community plus much more to come. 

Thanks for reading

Sarah

xx

Hey all,

I hope everyone is doing great. First of all I would like to apologise for the lack of content on my blog at he moment. I've been busy with work and I'm just exhausted mentally and physically. After my last employer screwed me over extremely bad where I was ill handed in a doctors notice to where I would receive my end of contract within less than two hours where I had to look for work when I was not in fit state to even walk never mind look for a job. I was being sick for over a month and two weeks when I got my job. I've worked loads of hours and to top it off as of the 16th feb 2016 I would of worked 5 months straight without a break and battling with me not being well and a heavy Christmas schedule of these last few month I also been battling extremely bad with Gender Dysphoria, which has made it extremely hard for me to write posts.

These last 3 months I've done so much unfortunately I can't write heavy about two other them as it involve the company I work for and I really can't be bothered getting messages saying I shouldn't mention them and isn't worth any disciplinaries till I've spoke to the bosses at head office. (even though I wouldn't be putting them in a bad position so I will briefly mentioned what I did)

This year I said it will be big for me as female and so far it has and in the first month it has already been massive. I've been out in the day as female but that was for something bigger, and that was going to work as female for the first time. I work in retail, but I was asked to do a few hours which should of been my day off  and that week I was presenting loads as female and also was suffering really bad with the dysphoria and how uncomfortable I was in my body, I spoke to my boss and she allowed me to come in as female if that is how I felt... So I did and went as female.

First time going to work as female 

 In Uniform Not very frilled in my uniform haha

 After work my friends came round and wanted to go for a drive, so it was fixing my make up.

I had to stop off at a service station at Sandbach.

Last week I also went round my home town as female and was the first time also within the public for the first time during the day presenting as I felt for the first time also. So some huge steps for me and the worst thing was I felt uncomfortable but not as because I was presenting female... It was how I dressed I felt extremely over dressed even though the outfit I picked was dressed down completely. I felt so over dressed and that made me uncomfortable.

My first picture out as female in my home town, when I took this I was nervous a fook.

After a long time of waiting I finally met up with my close awesome friend (BBF) Vicky 

On the same day but I had to go home on the bus, I want happy when it started to rain heavy.

This was the main reason I was not in a great mood why it was raining, these was also from River Island and cost £75 so I didn't want to get the ruined.

New projects 

Recently I thought how can I make this blog better so I've decided to invest in a better camera for my pictures which will feature in my posts shortly (the files are uncompressed and non as .nef files which means better picture with more detail... it also means that my picture files will be around 30MB comapred to a normal jpeg which can be around 3MB). The camera I bought is a Nikon D3300 which is a DSLR Camera, this means changeable lenses, better quality of pictures, I can add extras like a flash light, a gps thingy and some other cool gadgets. I've also invested in a Go Pro Hero 3 White which I'm testing out and plan to do something with it. I plan to restructure this blog later in the year also.

I also plan in getting in contact with other Trans* people and see if they will share their awesome stories, maybe even do some posts on what they wear on a daily bases when I do any fashion posts, how they do their make up as part of my little campaign on that we dress normal.

I'm also in the process of thinking to start a huge campaign which I will reveal later if I go a head with it which will involve a real petition.

The Big Announcement

After chatting with loads of new friends I've made in the Trans* community and hearing their stories of their transition and how they went on to finding out about themselves being Trans* which for their start of their journey I can relate to them and also over the last month how I felt about myself.

The other day I got figuratively slapped in the face by a huge penis which made me realise that when I'm female I'm truly happy, I don't have this unhappy stage where I want to cry because I feel unhappy in my own body. So I've thought about it and when the timing is right I will start the journey and will walk down the path to transition to female and go to my GP and get refereed to a GIC clinic (I think it's called) where I will hope I will get put on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) but that's something I will talk about closer to the time, right now I'm going to rest, right the odd post and come to terms to whom I really am. I need to be happy and I if this means that this is the course I need to take and a possibility where I might lose my Mum then so be it.

I would like to thank everyone for your support, it has really meant the world to me. I have a number of post I want to write about but non of them yet are about me personally on my gender but items of clothing, makeup and other things.

Thank you all

Sarah

xxx