Two genders Two Tails

Hey guys,

We are in Pride Month. So I thought I’d take a little rest from writing about my transition and do something a little different. That is to remaster and to re-write an old blog post I did way back in November 2014! Since then things have changed, I have changed and this blog has changed. Peope seem to be more sensitive, more mindful of others, and as people more politically correct. Celebrities getting cancelled for saying boo to a goose, you know that type of change the world is going through. So what what does this mean for me? Back then I was extremely course, and used colourful language and really didn’t give sh…. A damn! 

With me my attitude personally has not really changed, just the style of my writing. I do feel my grammar and spelling is better than it was when I last spoke about ‘Do’s and Don’ts”. Even now I will push the boundaries of how I write. However, there is a big difference between now and then… Back then I thought and identified myself as Bi-Gender which I believe the term is mainly known as Gender Fluid now (Not 100% sure). Now I am transitioning to female and officially changed my name legally also. 

With a new gender, new name does this change how people I know speak to me? Yes it does! Name is Sarah, My pronouns have also changed.

I am still as open as I was and more open than some trans people are, especially for those who are transitioning. Trans people do not have to be open by the way it is their choice. So my old name when I wrote this post in 2014 had changed and is now known as my “Dead-Name.” So with the dead mentioned let’s get into this post.

Do’s and Don’t’s

I have mentioned the phrase “Dead-Name” in this blog before. So what is a dead-name? A dead-name is when a person in this case a trans person who has changed their name and does not use their old name anymore. When I’m talking about my old name which was Nick I am okay with but that is me and not others. Because I have changed my name via deed poll, I have changed my driving license, tax and bank details to name a few to Sarah. This now makes the use of Nick now my dead-name. For some trans people this means everything that you treat them with respect so using their correct name. For me I ask my friends and colleagues to try with my name. Some do say my dead-name by mistake which after knowing me for years and only knowing me really as Sarah officially for the last 2 months after lockdown was lifted. For me personally and with me being relaxed I am allowing time for an adjustment period for friends and colleagues that have known me for a while. You can tell the difference between someone who is try to adjust compared to someone that is not trying and really showing ignorance. So my big tip on this for a do, is to show a little compassion and courtesy and just call that person by their preferred name. It is not hard and costs nothing. 

Alice Quinn Rose - Youtube - What is Dead-Naming

Pronouns are important! Once upon a time pronouns was not really something you heard about. To many people it is nothing and a passing thought but to trans people… It really is extremely important! Unfortunately people do get it wrong, it happens to me on a daily basis at work however it is getting better. Most people that know me will accidentally use “He/His/Him” when it should be “She/Her/Hers”. I have always got an apology if work colleagues or friends have used the wrong one and again for me personally it comes down an adjustment period, which is something I am giving. My tip for this is to either go with how they present (this has been said on a BBC Three trans mini documentary said by trans people) or if you are unsure just ask! I don’t think a trans person will get mad because you have asked. Unless you ask in a patronising way. If they get mad and you are being honest then the issue is with them in my opinion. Personally if I do not know someone I will not use pronouns till I get to know someone, or if I feel comfortable I will ask. I will admit I have gotten pronouns wrong a few times. No one is perfect.

Questions is something you might want to ask a trans person. I get asked a lot and again I will generally answer them as I really don’t care and nothing is personal to me and I have nothing to hide, but how will people learn. I will always advise people what to not to ask before I answer. My rule of thumb to people is if you would generally feel uncomfortable to answer a questions what is personal to you why would it be appropriate to ask a trans person? Here are some questions I get asked:

Are you having the op? - Not every trans person is looking to have surgery down there. How would you feel if I asked you about your penis or vagina? How would you feel? Generally it’s a personal question and I would advise against asking.

Do you like men or women? - Gender is completely separate to sexual preference. Not sure why people assume that trans people are like the super/extreme gays? Like you know because being gay is not extreme enough! You get biological men liking men and biological women liking women to keep this basic. So please big tip to people reading this post please don’t ask this, generally because it is common sense.

Do you think you will regret it? - Out of all the questions I get asked, I do have to take a second for this doozy. For me it is because I spent two years researching everything and while being on a waiting list a further three years thinking about it. I have been on hormones,  for over two and a half years, so yes it’s a bit late for me to go back so easy, plus I had to fight so hard to get them. I do find being asked this question rather uncouth.

Can I see a picture of you as male/female? - Hell no! Well generally speaking. I am proud of where I have come from and I will happily show pictures especially from just before I started to learn about who I was. This might not be the case for another trans person. They could have had a horrid time before they started to transition and with asking this and I suppose like the other questions really can trigger them. Remember some trans people could have gone through a bad time to get where they are now, and do not want to be reminded about their past. This question is a big no no.

Can I feel your boobs? - I find this funny and not in a good way. The amount of times I have had people ask to feel my boobs and funnily enough mainly by females. If I was ask to feel theirs, I guarantee it will be a no! I'm sure it would be sexual harassment also. I understand that my boobs have grown, and my growth has surpassed a couple of my friends but you know genetics and all and the growth is through being on hormones. Like women going through puberty they grow! I’m still human and so are other trans people. Once again common sense comes into this.

I have a gay friend - This is something that grinds my gears. Over the years I’ve had multiple people will say to me "I have a gay friend" and will try to talk about knowing what being trans is and what we go through. For me this is more ignorance than people that do not know a thing about trans people. 

I try to be different and as open as possible. It is not that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with random people asking me questions, but I feel someone needs to fly the flag not just to educate but “gendercate” people! I do not find not knowing ignorance personally. I find the once that have the chance to learn or to a chance to show that courtesy and do not are the ignorant ones.

Honestly treating trans people is no different to treating anyone else. Treat people how you would want to be treated. Like everyone we have the basic organs that keep us alive just as the next person that is not trans. I have a brain, heart, lungs and liver to name a few organs that we all have regardless of gender. I can understand with trans people being in the media over the last few years it is an interesting subject for some, and many people that would want to know more to understand. With everything there is always a right and wrong way to go about it. If you know a trans person for a while and are good friends with them, then they might be more open. I would never ask a trans person who I have never met before personal questions. End of the day we are people and deserve the right to be shown courtesy as anyone else. (Respect for me personally has to be earned from both sides) 

If you treat a trans person with courtesy and as a person I guarantee you will have should issues and drama.

Thank you for reading and Happy Pride Month everyone!

Plymouth Marjon University

Before I end this post I would like to go off topic. Recently an good friend of mine past away. A friend I have known for almost 16 years, you were the first person I spoke to on my first day in the working world at 16. You were very kind, always up for a laugh, even when you left the company you always kept in touch. You accepted me when I came out about my gender and always treated me as with the same respect. You really lead an inspiring life travelling the world alone. You really are and always will be amazing. Like everyone that knew you, I wish I was able to say goodbye, devastated really is an understatement. I will miss our chats, seeing all of your pictures and hearing the stories of your travels. R.I.P Baz lad, See you soon my friend and sleep tight.

Love 

Sarah

Xxx