Two genders Two Tails

Hey guys!

I hope you liked my first part of winter footwear? There was so many OTK boots to choose from but I could only write about so much before it became wayyy to much.  Anyway now we’re back on to the main posts, which is back to “August 2015-2016.”

I left the last post where I finally met one of my best friends Vicky which was a long wait for her to see me as female. 25.1.16 was great because not I managed to be myself around another friend but it was also my first trip during the day into my home town which it didn’t end there I also caught the bus back home on my own. In Wigan we had coffee we went shopping, and we pretty much didn’t have any trouble. Think it was my lucky day… Plus it was on a Tuesday so I’m sure people had run out of their dole money and had to sign on… Just kidding. It was pretty busy which I think was a good thing.

 Trafford Centre

Sunday 7^th February was the first time I had presented as female since I went out with Vicky, this time I was with Ainsley and we went to the Trafford Centre to watch a movie, this was another biggy for me as the Trafford Centre is an extremely big shopping centre where I spend way too much money on makeup, clothes and other items when I’m there. Luckily I had Ainsley who doesn’t like shopping so it stopped me from dragging him around and potentially missing the film time. The film we went watching was Zoolander 2, and a big piece of advice if you haven’t watched it… Leave it that way. It was awful and I mean awful. I went to watch the film because it was mainly to get out of the house as female and take on a new challenge. I went to the toilet many times during the film and for some reason when I present female I tend to use the loo more often than normal.

  Food Court Trafford Centre

From this point I was highly thinking to myself “This is who I am.” I was walking through the Trafford Centre without a care in the world… Even bought eyeliner. I couldn’t have given a damn about what people was thinking. When I was going to the toilets I didn’t care I just went in the females as it felt natural to me.

Even though I was starting to get more and more confident I ended up becoming ill again which for some reason I was vomiting, which at first I felt nothing of till the second time I was sick and the third time I was vomiting pure blood. Was this through doing too much since September? Who knows all I know that I wasn’t in a good place. I had to ring for an ambulance and took a massive bad turn while on the phone and from having to wait an hour I waited 10 mins till they came, where they took me to A&E where I had some tests done, luckily it was quiet so I didn’t wait too long, I tore my feeding tube in 3 places and tore some other tubing I’ve forgot everything, but after a drip I went home had a few hours’ sleep and went back to work till 6pm

On the 18.2.16 it was a late finish for me at work but weekdays became gaming nights with people I work/worked with, and soon became a tradition for us to be on for 9/10pm, this was great as I soon started to feel great getting back into gaming again like I used to with people, but there was one thing that was always doing my head in that was I wasn’t presenting female enough and it started to upset me as I was giving me enough time to be me. I was giving it to games so I had to think of how to do both… then it hit me, why don’t I do both? So I did. They both knew about me anyway and didn’t care so why should I? From then if I ever felt any gender dysphoria (unless I was working in the morning) I presented female when I was gaming.Wearing the hat for gaming is also tradition for me when presenting female, not sure why but it feels right.

  

 At the bus stop, I look ill 

During February Vicky got me on a free make over voucher for Benefit cosmetics. I had to think about this for a few days because it meant pretty much going to Wigan bare faced. Which for someone that at this point was in limbo but thinking that I was Bi-Gender wasn’t helping, because I would easily have been clocked by people as they would be able to see my stubble even though I would have shaved and it wouldn’t have felt right. So when the day came (22.2.16) I just wore foundation for makeup. I would have to take it off so we went to the arcade in the women’s toilets where I would wipe the foundation off, after that I rapidly walked to the benefit counter. When I mean rapidly I mean it. I would have put Mo Farah to shame and I was wearing 3 inch heels that day.

After the makeover

It was then on the 25.2.16 where my mind was made up that I was female, I went shopping in Manchester with Vicky and I felt so in my zone, it was like it was meant to be that I was female. We went in the toilets took loads of selfies, and it felt right… Not the selfies in the toilet just the whole experience. I didn’t care at all, it was a girl’s day out shopping, makeup and coffee next time it will probably be booze. The funny thing was I didn’t actually buy that much, I couldn’t find anything that I really wanted, but the day was great and I can’t wait to do it again. Unfortunately, I’ve not presented as female where I’ve out with Vicky since then. Mainly it’s been due to time or issues within the house. The main issue is I won’t present as female if my Dad has seen me as male before. I know it wouldn’t bother him but it just doesn’t feel right for me yet and I’ve struggle loads with this.

 On the train to Manchester and my first coffee with my name on it. 

  

It was in February that I choose a new path to walk and that was to transition. I booked an appointment at my doctor’s surgery, where I was told that I would hear from them. With a new path also comes a new community after admitting that I was going to transition I was invited to loads of groups on Facebook which I soon meet loads of people and my friends list started to grow as well as my Instagram and this blog for views.

The thing was I was extremely naïve and thought the community is perfect but I was soon wrong. I soon found out that the trans community can be a hostile and unfriendly place. I was having a number of people messaging me telling me I should be wearing. I should have been wearing this or I should have been wearing that. One person told me I should have been wearing fishnets tights! I know right fishnets!

I was being told how to do makeup which I didn’t listen to anybody. The worse was the bitching yes, in multiple groups there was loads. I thought when I first joined you would get the help and learn from everyone as you were pretty much in it together… yeah right. I soon found out that the trans community is nothing really special which to be honest I like, yes I like it. Not because of the bitching and the inside war at the time that was going on but because to me it showed that these are normal people and a normal community, I don’t think there is a community in the world where they all get along. My biggest issue is the same with any other person really and that is I don’t like people being condescending or people who are up their own arses. I don’t like where some say you’re a crossdresser unless you’re on hormones. What a loads of shit that is! For people that are trying to get equality some don’t give it to others within their own community. I don’t understand that even now how people can say that? For me it was heart breaking as I came into the community as a newbie trying to learn and you have people like that.

I did get support and met some great people I still speak to today, but I can’t get over the fact that some pages/groups rather than working together they created segregation. Now It has changed and the segregation seems to have left the groups that I’m in but I know it will be still there in others. In February it wasn’t great but all I can say was that things did improve as you will find out in upcoming posts.   

Thanks for reading

Sarah