Two genders Two Tails

Hey all!

If you would have looked at me six months ago you would have seen me as a broken man, I was jobless, I was ill and finding it extremely hard to stand on my own two feet and struggling being at home hardly doing a thing as I was just constantly dizzy. My female side taking a short hiatus which I think was because I was ill and I never felt feminine at all. For four months I was nothing but a male wreck struggling to take in what happened. Within the four months my female clothing was put in the loft freeing up four spaces where as male I could make my room tidy again. Life was beginning to turn normal again, I manage to find a new job where the people I work with are amazing and even though I still wasn’t well when I started working and probably shouldn’t of I knew I was on the road to recovering and started to think about moving on…

So I thought. November came and where I was feeling better, I was sturdy on my feet and was more active but back came how I started feeling about myself and how uncomfortable I was in how I was. At first I thought it was a one off so I brought down a few clothes and shoes from the loft just in case.

It was, and on November 4^th Sarah was back.  I went on to go to the works do as female in December and presented female a good few times and visited Blackpool again.

When the 1st January came I knew that I would be doing more things as female and really going all out mainly because I started to go insane staying inside, I knew that I needed to get out. On the 3^rd January I went for my first shop but I was presenting as male but shopping for female clothing. When I got back I got ready and no one answered their phone and it sent me off the rails for some reason where I went out and down a pitch black canal.

In January I presented as female around 10 times which was mostly on my days off and I knew it was getting worse and I started feeling more gender dysphoria and was starting to find myself struggling to come to terms that this is whoI was and I was finding it hard being male. On the 10^th January I went into work as female which was after public hours to do some work (spoke to my boss about it which she agreed I was able to do come in how I feel) which was the massive step that I took and it was the first time I went out in the day time as female where people could clearly see me.  

February didn’t slow down 25^th January I ended up meeting my bestie Vicky in Wigan for the first time as female and being in my home town as female… And ordering my first coffee as female also. Meeting Vicky has been 13 months in the making as she couldn’t make it to the Christmas Eve drinks I had with my old maccies crew where I presented as female.

We have known each other for years after working at McDonald’s together and since coming out as Bi-Gender she’s been amazing and I can’t thank her enough. She gave me loads of make up to get me started and has been extremely supportive of me so I can’t thank her enough.

February came and still two more things came that was big for me and that was going out as female to the Trafford Centre with another best bud Ainsley. I should mention him more on here as he has been also great. (I’m sure he will agree he’s one of those friends that everyone has that is the lovable assholes) He’s the only person to see me the most as female out of everyone. He’s had to constantly put up with my bitching, wrong directions because I was messing around with my phone where I should be watching the GPS on my phone, I’ve dragging you to shops the odd time and most of all asking you to take loads of picture mainly because I need them to put on here… The pictures aren’t going to change and you need more practice with the camera also he he. Through all this his support has been awesome, I think this year he’s seen me more female than male ha ha. All I can say if your reading this Ains is thank you.

During this month (February) I’ve also realised who I am and that is I’m not male and where I feel uncomfortable now nearly every day and how I feel so much better as female, I’ve settled in so comfortably it where now is becoming more natural, to where I have now started to walk down the path of transitioning and now realise that me as male, me as Nick is now on a timer and I can’t say when but the time as male will be up, and living full time as female will happen and a new life that will create new memories every day.  

The Big One

Instagram seems to be mine and Vicky’s favourite platform to communicate with each other, and yes we talk more on there than we do via text message. That was when I got a tag through where it said about a makeup/makeup session at the Benefit Cosmetics counter and at first I didn’t understand it and really didn’t till the last minute where she kept checking for appointment as from the 21^st February I was on my first week off from work since I started back mid-way in September.

Confirmed

On the Friday before my week off my Instagram notification came on and I ended up getting an update from Vicky saying the session was on and it was for Monday 22^nd February. “FUCK” was my first thought. It was more down to crap I could be getting from other people which I’m still nervy about as you never know what people’s reactions are going to be like. I generally don’t care what people think but I mainly can’t be arsed with how people react because I don’t know how I’m going to react back if it gets nasty. I worry more about my friend’s safety as they would be involved and I wouldn’t want them to get hurt or anything, so that was on my mind… But on the other hand I was going to be dealing with makeup which I love and the most important reason seeing my stunning bestie Vicky who would be present and doesn’t give a shit about what people think.

 At the bus stop waiting to go to Wigan

And you would have never seen anyone walk with 3” heels faster than me in the Grand Arcade going to Debenhams. I think I would have put Mo Farah to shame. Going out with just foundation was tough but having no makeup on was truly the most and probably the hardstand terrifying thing I’ve ever done as the makeup for me is a huge part of my identity it’s what’s separates my male and female sides. If there was one time I felt like a cross dresser it was then and in probably the worst places to be in which was Wigan… Luckily I think people on the dole spent up so there wasn’t that many people out so I felt slightly better.

We got to the Benefit booth and after a small wait that was where we met Jude. She was the women doing mine and Vicky’s makeup and I have to say Jude was great, she was funny, gentle (when Applying the makeup) and it made it a great experience to have and would recommend any girl or even trans person to have. I was relaxed and soon comfortable having my makeup done by someone. I did have a woman who sat across from me that kept looking at me... I guess she has never seen a trans women that’s wants to look good before ha ha but you tell me which women doesn’t want to look her best?

Even though she kept looking at me I didn’t care as I was far to relax and it wasn’t like I could do anything so I didn’t give a dahm. Why should I? Come on people it was makeup. Overall it was a great to have someone putting my makeup on that knows what the hell they’re doing.  I do think though I must have looked a right muppet as I didn’t know what to do when Jude was putting makeup on my face so I was looking everywhere, I must have looked like a right clown.

I was overwhelmed by it all and I felt like I was in the right place. Time just didn’t exist because I was so captivated by it I was in heaven. I was so in my zone I forgot to take pictures of the Benefit booth which I’m sure I will return. After it was all done Jude was happy for me to get in a couple of picture with me and Vicky and we were on our way.

I liked the how the makeup felt on me, my face didn’t get as itchy as some foundations do and I think that I will be back to purchase some makeup from benefit. Jude gave me and Vicky some samples which I am to try out but they look so cute I don’t want to open them.

I would like to thank Vicky for giving the chance to do this, it wasn’t easy mentally but it helped with my confidence loads. I would like to thank Benefit Cosmetics and Jude for makeup session I really enjoyed it and it was great to be introduced to another makeup brand which I really want to try.

This has been my fiftieth post and I think it has been a great was to celebrate it.

All I can say is this year is still young and I’ve already done loads I can only say watch this blog people because Sarah is going to go crazy more things are going to happen.