Hi guys 

1st April 2014 was where my life changed forever, it was the day I accepted a new journey and start walking down the gender path. It doesn’t feel like two years but hell I've done so much in this time. 

This is where I'm going to start. It was a few years ago and probably before I knew about my gender issue, but I knew I wasn't happy, I was moody, not a great person to be around I was over weight, even though my tits was so on point they still was showing I had no respect for my own body, the only good thing about the picture was it taken by one of a few people that has stood by me and I still see today. The huge depressing thing about it was as male I had hair then and now it's just... well I don't want to go there. It wasn't the fact that I ate at McDonald most of the time... it really didn't help but I was just not in a great place I ate crap all the time and daily Kcal of 4000-5000 per day and huge portions of food.

When I found out about Bi-Gender it still wasn't clear to me so I spent loads of time searching about what Bi-Gender really was as many sites didn't offer much help where I would understand it. It came down to a website called Deviant Art and I found a girl called Ria all by mistake, then I read her journals and thought yeah this is how I feel and I wanted to know more, so I messaged her which I got a reply about a week later and we started to talk from there.

It was when she pointed me on YouTube to an awesome person called Brin, she had her own YouTube channel and has videos which she has uploaded so you can watch. I learned loads but then learned that she has a website called bigender.net where I soon met loads of people like me and started to learn more about me and well the rest is history but if it wasn't for Ria I would of be still in the same shitty ass dark place in my head and god knows what now.

I would like to post one of Brins videos if you would like to watch. There are also many people in the Trans* community that haven't heard of the term Bi-Gender also. 

2014

My first ever picture it wasn't great but when I started I bought loads of joblots on ebay and I got about 6 different shades and their was a girl I used to work with and she was wayyyy over fake tanned. I was never one for picture of myself, I had no confidence I always thought I was fat... mainly because I was, but anyway I thought if I'm going to take a picture of myself it has to be funny so this is it. The wig was only a fancy dress one and you couldn't do anything with it but I knew it was never going to last.

These two wasn't long after my first but I know I was drunk when I did them... Would anyone believe me then that my boobs was just a padded bra A cup and I didn't even bother stuffing them. 

I soon ditched the corny fancy dress wig and bought a synthetic wig one where you could even use straighteners to around 120oc, and this was my first dress. 

These two was around the similar time but I knew that I need to document my journey to myself which now I'm so glad I did as I can look back and think wow. 

This was the first picture that I ever looked at and thought "is that really me?" This was taken in July 2014.

This is a day will never forget it was the first time ever I went out in public as female for the first time. What was meant to be a drive turned into over an hour in the Blackpool illumination traffic and I soon needed to go to the loo and yeah I used to women's and then spent till 1am in Coral Island on the arcade machines but hey I got a teddy out of it.

November was when everything changed, I looked in the mirror and I saw me diferently and didn't like what I saw so I soon splashed out on an expensive wig and started to buy better quality items from makeup to clothes and started to learn more, So I decided to change and started looking at fashion more and to be the girl I saw myself as in the mirror and I soon started to feel happy and more comforting to who I am.

Christmas Eve where I was invited (as Male) to go have a few drinks with the people I used to work with, but it came with a twist... I went as female, it was the first time I showed myself as female to loads of people I knew all at once and also a pub that was just around the corner from me... I was plastered before I went to the pub and still had a few more whilst I was in there.

2015

Nothing really happened after Christmas eve but I started to exercise more and soon I started to lose weight, but also started to get more confident and soon was wearing dresses, boots which was getting noticed by others.

In May dresses started to become more and more and even now its rare I wear jeans or pants anymore.

12th July 2015 this would be the last time till November where I would present female, I have no idea why? In that 4 months I became very ill lost my job less than 2 hours after I handed a sick note in, Within that time I still wasn't well but got a new job at working with awesome people. 

In November the feelings came back but worse, I was out to colleagues and started to present female again.

A few days later I went back to Blackpool more confident, a better person the difference I can't deny is massive. 

In December it was the works Christmas outing and I ended up going as female it was awesome and my first time I've presented as female to work colleagues.

2016

In January it didn't stop there and I went to work to do an extra shift but out of business hours and I was allowed to come as I felt and that was female it was also the first time that I was out during the day where people could see me. At that time I was struggling with who I was, I was starting to feel depressed all the time, I started to cry a couple of times it really wasn't great and got to a point where I was presenting female all the time outside of work, days off and as soon as I got home.

The first picture on this post where I was fat, a depressive asshole with hair was taken by this awesome lady and defo my bestie. It was also where the first time I showed off my new wig and colour which has taken a while to get used to. Seeing Vicky was a over a year in the making where she was meant to come to the pub on Christmas Eve but unfortunately couldn't make it. This was the first time I was out as female in my own town and ordered my first Starbucks.

February again didn't slow down, from going to the Trafford Center Cinemas as female, I also went for my first make over with Vicky as nervous as I was when I left my house with light foundation and removed it before the make over. I was very tense. Almost forgot to mention that I also have decided to transition to female and that I am now transgender. 

Shopping as female with Vicky, the day was awesome but the shopping was awful I came back with new tights and a couple of other things. On the other hand I finally got my Starbucks name with my name on and Vick's with some name. 

Since then nothing up to now has really happened but there is no point in rushing anything. This is my latest photo.

It's messed up how someone can quickly change in appearance and as a person, I'm more at peace with myself, I've made loads of friends and I'm still close with the friends that has always been there for me. I'm more confident as a person and who knows what the next chapter of my life is.
All I can say is thank you my friends for the support, thank you to my friends that are close to me. My Dad said has said to me  "In life you're lucky to have someone you can call your best friend." I feel I'm extremely lucky to have more... Well I'm lucky to have three people close to me that I can call best friends, the only issue is that the one who has known me longest will get a shock when he sees me as female for the first time.

Thanks for reading.

Hey all!

This is my fiftieth Blog post  

If you would have looked at me six months ago you would have seen me as a broken man, I was jobless, I was ill and finding it extremely hard to stand on my own two feet and struggling being at home hardly doing a thing as I was just constantly dizzy. My female side taking a short hiatus which I think was because I was ill and I never felt feminine at all. For four months I was nothing but a male wreck struggling to take in what happened. Within the four months my female clothing was put in the loft freeing up four spaces where as male I could make my room tidy again. Life was beginning to turn normal again, I manage to find a new job where the people I work with are amazing and even though I still wasn’t well when I started working and probably shouldn’t of I knew I was on the road to recovering and started to think about moving on…

So I thought. November came and where I was feeling better, I was sturdy on my feet and was more active but back came how I started feeling about myself and how uncomfortable I was in how I was. At first I thought it was a one off so I brought down a few clothes and shoes from the loft just in case.

It was, and on November 4^th Sarah was back.  I went on to go to the works do as female in December and presented female a good few times and visited Blackpool again.

Left: September 2014. Right: November 2015

When the 1st January came I knew that I would be doing more things as female and really going all out mainly because I started to go insane staying inside, I knew that I needed to get out. On the 3^rd January I went for my first shop but I was presenting as male but shopping for female clothing. When I got back I got ready and no one answered their phone and it sent me off the rails for some reason where I went out and down a pitch black canal.

Under the canal bridge in Platt Bridge. 

In January I presented as female around 10 times which was mostly on my days off and I knew it was getting worse and I started feeling more gender dysphoria and was starting to find myself struggling to come to terms that this is whoI was and I was finding it hard being male. On the 10^th January I went into work as female which was after public hours to do some work (spoke to my boss about it which she agreed I was able to do come in how I feel) which was the massive step that I took and it was the first time I went out in the day time as female where people could clearly see me.  

Not looking to happy but happy to be who I am at work.

February didn’t slow down 25^th January I ended up meeting my bestie Vicky in Wigan for the first time as female and being in my home town as female… And ordering my first coffee as female also. Meeting Vicky has been 13 months in the making as she couldn’t make it to the Christmas Eve drinks I had with my old maccies crew where I presented as female.

We have known each other for years after working at McDonald’s together and since coming out as Bi-Gender she’s been amazing and I can’t thank her enough. She gave me loads of make up to get me started and has been extremely supportive of me so I can’t thank her enough.

Christmas Eve 2014

Vicky and me in Wigan

February came and still two more things came that was big for me and that was going out as female to the Trafford Centre with another best bud Ainsley. I should mention him more on here as he has been also great. (I’m sure he will agree he’s one of those friends that everyone has that is the lovable assholes) He’s the only person to see me the most as female out of everyone. He’s had to constantly put up with my bitching, wrong directions because I was messing around with my phone where I should be watching the GPS on my phone, I’ve dragging you to shops the odd time and most of all asking you to take loads of picture mainly because I need them to put on here… The pictures aren’t going to change and you need more practice with the camera also he he. Through all this his support has been awesome, I think this year he’s seen me more female than male ha ha. All I can say if your reading this Ains is thank you.

Me and Ains in Blackpool September 2014

Trafford Centre

On the way to the Trafford Centre

During this month (February) I’ve also realised who I am and that is I’m not male and where I feel uncomfortable now nearly every day and how I feel so much better as female, I’ve settled in so comfortably it where now is becoming more natural, to where I have now started to walk down the path of transitioning and now realise that me as male, me as Nick is now on a timer and I can’t say when but the time as male will be up, and living full time as female will happen and a new life that will create new memories every day.  

The Big One

Instagram seems to be mine and Vicky’s favourite platform to communicate with each other, and yes we talk more on there than we do via text message. That was when I got a tag through where it said about a makeup/makeup session at the Benefit Cosmetics counter and at first I didn’t understand it and really didn’t till the last minute where she kept checking for appointment as from the 21^st February I was on my first week off from work since I started back mid-way in September.

Confirmed

On the Friday before my week off my Instagram notification came on and I ended up getting an update from Vicky saying the session was on and it was for Monday 22^nd February. “FUCK” was my first thought. It was more down to crap I could be getting from other people which I’m still nervy about as you never know what people’s reactions are going to be like. I generally don’t care what people think but I mainly can’t be arsed with how people react because I don’t know how I’m going to react back if it gets nasty. I worry more about my friend’s safety as they would be involved and I wouldn’t want them to get hurt or anything, so that was on my mind… But on the other hand I was going to be dealing with makeup which I love and the most important reason seeing my stunning bestie Vicky who would be present and doesn’t give a shit about what people think.

 At the bus stop waiting to go to Wigan

I did bump into one of my friends I've known since we was little kids her name is Kayleigh, she was in her van and  noticed me, she is awesome.

The day quickly came and yes I was nervous to hell as I would be stepping back in to a place I said I would never go to as female again unless I was going to catch a bus to the Trafford Centre or getting on the train to Manchester, but I was also discussing to Vicky about wearing makeup which she advised me not to as we would end up with makeup on afterwards. I could see her point but there was one issue… actually there was more than that really. Number one with me being biologically a guy it meant me have the shadow where my stubble was even after I shaved and could be seen clearly, which will draw attention. I decided to go out with only foundation and before the appointment was I would go to the toilets and wipe it off ready for the makeup session which I did…

And you would have never seen anyone walk with 3” heels faster than me in the Grand Arcade going to Debenhams. I think I would have put Mo Farah to shame. Going out with just foundation was tough but having no makeup on was truly the most and probably the hardstand terrifying thing I’ve ever done as the makeup for me is a huge part of my identity it’s what’s separates my male and female sides. If there was one time I felt like a cross dresser it was then and in probably the worst places to be in which was Wigan… Luckily I think people on the dole spent up so there wasn’t that many people out so I felt slightly better.

Mo Farah: British Distance Runner

We got to the Benefit booth and after a small wait that was where we met Jude. She was the women doing mine and Vicky’s makeup and I have to say Jude was great, she was funny, gentle (when Applying the makeup) and it made it a great experience to have and would recommend any girl or even trans person to have. I was relaxed and soon comfortable having my makeup done by someone. I did have a woman who sat across from me that kept looking at me... I guess she has never seen a trans women that’s wants to look good before ha ha but you tell me which women doesn’t want to look her best?

I wouldn't say I am happy with this picture but hey for shit and giggles right.

Even though she kept looking at me I didn’t care as I was far to relax and it wasn’t like I could do anything so I didn’t give a dahm. Why should I? Come on people it was makeup. Overall it was a great to have someone putting my makeup on that knows what the hell they’re doing.  I do think though I must have looked a right muppet as I didn’t know what to do when Jude was putting makeup on my face so I was looking everywhere, I must have looked like a right clown.

                                   Me and Jude                                                   Vicky and Jude

I was overwhelmed by it all and I felt like I was in the right place. Time just didn’t exist because I was so captivated by it I was in heaven. I was so in my zone I forgot to take pictures of the Benefit booth which I’m sure I will return. After it was all done Jude was happy for me to get in a couple of picture with me and Vicky and we were on our way.

I liked the how the makeup felt on me, my face didn’t get as itchy as some foundations do and I think that I will be back to purchase some makeup from benefit. Jude gave me and Vicky some samples which I am to try out but they look so cute I don’t want to open them.

Vick in her zone (kids hand bag River Island)

I would like to thank Vicky for giving the chance to do this, it wasn’t easy mentally but it helped with my confidence loads. I would like to thank Benefit Cosmetics and Jude for makeup session I really enjoyed it and it was great to be introduced to another makeup brand which I really want to try.

This has been my fiftieth post and I think it has been a great was to celebrate it.

All I can say is this year is still young and I’ve already done loads I can only say watch this blog people because Sarah is going to go crazy more things are going to happen.