R.I.P 22 Ari's Angels

A quick thought

They say time heals all wounds! These past 12 months I kind of only think it’s a white lie to suppress any denial for someone close to us that didn’t get their chance to say their goodbyes, or for something sudden to happen which will change our life’s forever that will always have an impact so bad you can really never stop thinking about it.

I try to always stay positive no matter what and think how can I think/turn this negative experience to somewhat positive? One of the biggest things I feel is that it brings people together and opens doors to meet new people that share the same passion as you, or might be someone that loves and cared for the same person as you. All I can say before I go into this post is; Never let go of hope, because there will always be someone that will be there for you, and will help you to pick yourself up.

Manchester, Music & Togetherness

22nd May, Manchester Arena was targeted in a bomb attack which shocked us all and taking the lives of 22 people. Most were people coming out of the concert, some was picking up loved ones. 

I woke up at midnight as I was sleeping at the time and I always look at my phone, I then saw it. I quickly turned on my tv and it was there. I soon broke down in tears and couldn’t believe it. 

Music is a massive part of my life, I love going to gigs. I also love Manchester it’s where I go frequently. I’ve never been a massive arena fan, to be honest as I’ve always loved smaller venues where you can see the people you want to watch better and the sound for me is better, but Manchester arena holds a massive part of my life with music as it was the first time I went to a gig. The band I saw was 30 Seconds to Mars. It was amazing... I wasn’t keen on the support bands though. Anyway, that is the reason why the arena holds such a big place in my heart and I will never forget it. 

I love music pretty much whatever the genre, as long as it can go loud I'm there.

Like many others this will never leave my heart nor will me and many others forget. For some this is a tragedy, for me this is extremely personal to me and I wonder if people have the same connections? Pretty much what I said above. I love Manchester, I love music, My first gig was the arena, I love gigs. A big thing I like is when I sometimes get talking to people or I hear people saying this is my first ever gig, when children are there and it’s their first gig also, it’s happened to me twice where I’ve spoken to people one was late teens at their first concert and the other was with a parent that took their child to their first gig and luckily, I saw them near me and when the band came on and seeing that look on a child’s face was amazing. Knowing you had that first concert experience and now other people that were experiencing it a child or not. I love being in a queue at gigs because there’s generally never any hate at all, you generally share that passion for a band or singer and I’ve never had a dull moment and instantly connect with people. I’ve been lucky over the years to meet people and became friends or talk on Facebook on rare occasions even drink with bands afterwards also.

That is one of many reasons why this is personal to me as there are not just little ones that will be scared for life, some will never go to another concert again, some will go but not have a good time as they should be doing because they have lost trust. “No one should go to a concert and worry about not getting home.”

One year after.

With the one-year anniversary approaching, lots have changed in Manchester. The security is high, and if you wanted to go up to the arena from Victoria station away from where the train section is blocked off until events are on. There were signs saying no backpacks so generally only travel light, this is for searches and to make them quicker. No food or drink is allowed to be taken into the venue like you used to either. 

The Manchester working Bee was always a symbol of Manchester but not it is more prominent around the city.

Sunday 20^th May I decided to take a trip into Manchester and see if there was an event planned as I’m sure not as many people will be able to make any of the event planned for Tuesday. I didn’t really see anything apart from the beautiful trees dotted around where you could write a message on and tie it to a tree.

There was an event running that was ‘The Great Manchester Run’ it was a 10k event but it had points where you could stop the race and you weren’t told that you had to do the full 10k if you didn’t want to. They had 1-minute silence for the victims and then played out ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ by Oasis which was sung by thousands of people. I don’t like Oasis personally but it was so applicable here and it brought tears to my eyes, where someone random person from the race gave me a hug who was also in tears. I love Manchester.

I decided to go home after I took a few pictures and went home. A massive well done to all the runners that took part.

Tuesday 22^nd May One Year On

The day really started at a trip to my doctors which was about how to acquire hormones which I will talk about in another post, from there it was straight to Manchester.

Manchester was busy as you could imagine. The people full of all coloured clothing from pink to white shirts with the symbol of the bee or I ♥ Manchester/I ♥ MCR. I decided to have a quick look round at the venue which was Albert Square where everyone that was involved was getting ready for the big event. I decided to take this opportunity and walk around Manchester and I came across the fountain at St. Ann’s Square where last year as many know people laid thousand of flowers. It was very overwhelming and I was wiping tears from my eyes, only for a random stranger that saw me and came to give me a hug. The atmosphere was still strong and the people that were there to pay their respects was great you could just sneeze and someone would be saying “bless you.”

I decided to walk to the arena thinking there would be something there… pretty wrong. All there was when I got there, was 2 balloons with the numbers 22 and a couple of flowers tied on the railings. It wasn’t till I got into Victoria Train Station that the memorial for the Victims had grown in size.

After that, I decided to go and wait in Albert Square, where after a 20/30 minute waiting we were allowed in but with a brief bag check, with 30 minutes wait, I was chatting to some people that were from Milton Keynes and was in Manchester for training and wanted to pay their respects. When the service came on I was very tearful and when people were talking you could tell how much it meant to everyone as everyone that was watching was silent and when we had a minute of silence for the 22 and I’ve never heard Manchester so quiet at all… Even being surround by about 3000 people you could hear a pin drop.   

I didn’t stay for the sing along as I had to leave because of the issue with the trains, but I was there for the choirs that came on and I’m not into choirs but that what I watch and witnessed was just amazing and it was happy to be apart of it even though it’s something that should have never have happened.

Conclusion

I like many others might not have been born and raised in Manchester but we have adopted it, it has the best music, it has a great shopping experience and will always leave you with great memories apart from that dreadful night. Every time I ventured into the city I always thought of the victims, I always thought of the people families and when I went to watch Trivium in Manchester last month before they came on I closed my eyes and thought of them again as they were at a music concert also.

At the Trivium gig

All I can say to end this is; terror will never win, you will never stop the music and it will keep playing and we will gather together stronger and sing for these people. Every year we will come back and show the world we are still not afraid.

R.I.P to all the 22. Keep lighting up Manchester and sleep tight

Don't think I could have used a better picture (scene from full monty)

Welcome back to part two of 'The Road To Being Me'

Over these last 12 months for those that have been following my blog every time where blog posts have to be split into parts life gets in the way and will delay things and unfortunately, it has happened again and was total heartbreak for me which I may come to another time.

Last time I had just signed on for JSA and it was heartbreaking and this is what followed, hope you enjoy.

Part 2: Low of the low

Money
Signing up for JSA was a life turning event, I was worried about how was I was going to change my life around? How will I manage money wise as then I had these to pay for as of January;

1. Rent money for my dad (was lowered to £100)
2. Phone bill £55
3. Ipad bill £45 (£90 to pay off)
4. Xbox £50 ( £150 left on credit)
5. TV £43 (£200 on finance)
6. Gym £19.99 (was cancelled shortly after)
7. Netflix £7.50 (cancelled a couple of months later)
8. Food/Gas/Electric (was about £40 per week)
9. Bank bill £15 + 0.50 per day (roughly)
10. Monthly bus fee £65 (every 28 days)

Which comes to £440.49 (excluding the daily bank bills)

All this off £75 per week. Luckily with full pay from my last job plus a decent wage for January and a little over time from December.

In February I managed to pay off or cancel services;

1. Gym £19.99 per month (cancelled)
2. iPad £43 per month saved (I had 2 months left to pay so I paid the balance off at £86)
3. Xbox £50 ( £150 overall spread over 9 months where I could pay this off at any time June deadline paid off)

Saving per month £112.99 leaving me with a more manageable £327.50 per month, with stopping my bus pass saving another £65 to where my money was more in control but on the verge of collapse if I slipped up financially and also if I didn't have a job and pay for May I would have been screwed.

 Where I lived we had snow in March (vid 1) 

JSA

Before I was to start JSA I had a thought and that was I have no job and that means not taking time off to do important things... This is where my life started to change. I changed my doctors and had my medical and decided to start my official road to transition to female. So I'm now on a waiting list with goals set before I have my first appointment. (Link will be at the bottom of the page)



Now back on to the JSA appointment. Last week I decided to put all pride aside and apply for Job Seekers Allowance and I went for my assessment. This week was my first JSA meeting. So I meet with the job coach that told me to carry on what I was doing via going on buses to Manchester, Wigan, Leigh and the Trafford centre to look for CV opportunities and look online just I would be recording it. I was booked in to see the National Careers service a week later which wasn't much help apart from telling me to change my CV (turned out to be the main thing.. so pretty helpful) aand for me to apply for college.

At the end of the appointment, my work coach mentioned that I wouldn't be seeing her for 5 weeks as they were away for training for Univeral Credit and this would still mean coming back into to sign on but that was the only information I was given... after that, it became hell.

Hilton Manchester Deansgate Hotel

For two months I would walk long distances between buses or walk around the Trafford centre twice then catch the bus into Manchester before going home and that would be 5/6 hours being out, surviving off small things like a chicken mayo's from Mcdonalds and little bottles of fizzy pop from Home Bargains and I would take days out where I would just be online looking for work and shortlisting jobs when I was in between places which pretty much for 3 and a half months this was pretty much it. This was tiring as it wasn't just physical it was mentally draining as I was constantly worried about how would I survive with my outgoings and also with my dad as he has retired and isn't getting a great income coming in either.

I will save time with posts by saying that my diet for almost 5 months was eating pure crap and unhealthy food from £1 pizzas to chicken chargrills and things with loads of bread and I've put so much weight on as I had cancelled the gym by the end of January.

Where I lived we had snow in March (vid 2)

Group signing on sessions

This felt like us signing on no work required 

In mid-February, I went to sign on with JSA and it turned out they were understaffed because of the Univeral Credit and for the next 8 weeks I would be signing on in group sessions which really was a group of around 10 people going into a room and then have their name called out sign a book and then we were on our way. No help, no guidance or nothing which for people that didn't want a job this was amazing to do nothing. I spoke to one of the work coaches and asked for another workbook as mine was filling up the person to say "Don't worry about it."

I got my book and kept on filling it in and even when I managed to get an appointment with a work coach which was messed up because they didn't even let me know and had to be rearranged... In March the time had come to see a work coach and guess what happened??? "I'm doing a bad thing here, just sign and go." Not what I wanted as the job centre has employers that come in to interview people interview people and I was never told anything and they were useless. No job clubs was happening or anything.

In the middle of March, I had enough of looking on Indeed as I was not getting any luck and decided to move to Reed which Wow I had loads of success mainly from employment agencies. It wasn't off reed though where I got my job I'm at now but I got plenty of interviews or off employers to places I couldn't go because of travel issues.


CV

I changed my CV after discussing this with someone from the National Careers service, they are there to advise you on where to go but really it's not that much they can tell you. They can help you with your CV which they told me how to tweak mine as mine was already good. They told me to apply for college, and offer free work which at that stage was a NO. I could claim travel back but I would also need food and I'm not being exploited for a full day and no pay to where I can or cannot get a job out of it. so off I went to change my cv and that is when my job hunting changed on Reed and I started to get the phone calls off employees and agencies. My CV is below.

Thanks for reading I will try and pop out a new post which is about how I got my job as soon possible but I will be looking at other posts in the meantime.

Click 'HERE' for my post about how I got on the waiting list at Leeds Identity Clinic

Thanks for reading

Sarah

This year started out so great, I had my trip to London then did Scotland which I wrote blog posts about and was posting them regular of my trip to London but because of recent terrorist attacks in London and Manchester then London again it made it harder and harder to post about and celebrate it. So I've decided to mention it in this post but the main part of this post is about depression and a few other things really not had a good time this year up to now and it has delayed my transition and has knocked my confidence.

Coming Home From London (briefly)

30th January and it was time to leave, before packing I was up early I went for some breakfast before packing to come home. The journey from the hotel to Euston Station went well I was there early and went into the Virgin First Class Lounge, after waiting in there it was time to board my train which was great and very organised... While I was on the train journey the train slowed down then came to a stop for a good 10-15 minutes which after we started to move then it was for another 15 minutes the train was crawling. The Virgin Trains host then said over the speaker that the track was reported to have a crack in the line and as a precaution they had be very slow. He was very calm which made me and others a little nervous because what if they didn't know of the crack in the line and we was travelling over it at full speed that could of been a disaster and I might not of been around if it did, but anyway we past it we never had any other issues.


Main Post

I would say its been an eventful year up to now unfortunately not in the right way and I feel to much tragedy has been a massive part for me. After London was hit by terrorist twice and Manchester (very close to me) has affected me loads but in March this year me and my Mum decided to walk in different directions and without me telling her that I will be transitioning to female. In between I've been working hard at the gym (a couple of stops in between) but really been hammered with depression, to a point where I was so low suicidal thoughts started to appear in my head which I've not discussed with anyone apart from just saying I feel a little low.

Luckily I managed to over come that without seeking professional help but with a group of awesome ladies I've become friends with you from a makeup group. You know who you guys are. A few people I work with again you know who you guys are and smashing the gym which really does help and my two gaming buddies. A massive thank you love you guys loads. Unfortanlty it's a topic I don't really discuss with people to how I feel.

The Gym

I've been attending JD Gyms in Wigan since the middle of November 2016 which I did well all the way up till the middle of February, where I had my bad stint from my work life to my home life, it seemed I couldn't get away from any negativity. That happened for about 2 months where I couldn't get back into the gym and my diet just crumbled. I felt alone hardly seeing friends or really going out. I spent so much just rolled up in a ball crying over many thing really, feeling lonely, feeling  how I felt about my gender, not really get the chance to be the real me. It go to the point where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and broke a few small mirrors of my own.

Shortly after the bad patch I new that I had to do something as I couldn't let depression and just feeling useless and really going back to the person I was a good few years ago where I had no friends and be in my room all the time in my bubble. So I started at the gym again and I was getting leaner but I had to change the way I exercise as I wasn't able to get in some of my dresses because of my shoulders and arms. Then came Sparkle in Manchester this year, and in almost a month I've started to become depressed again and at the moment trying to get back in the gym once again but the first 2 weeks for me is the hardest to get back into. I know at one point I will get a personal trainer which I've wanted since January but other things has come along. It's something I will get back into just need to keep going.

Away from the gym I've been doing a few side projects but very slow to make sure that what I'm doing is worth it and between my moods which isn't easy at all. This is only brief of what has gone on and will be explain in time to come, but I've not abandoned this blog at all, I've just taken a step back to sort myself out and will start writing soon as I get better mentally.

Chester Bennington's Death

As many people know on the 20th June Linkin Park's Front man Chester Bennington Committed Suicide by hanging himself. It was a shock to the music world and everyone that knew him leaving behind 6 children and a wife. Chester as suffered from mental health problems for many years as he was abused when he was very young by his father (according to Wikipedia) and also where Chester opened up a few years ago about his mental issues and being abused.

Like many others I grew up with Linkin Park and again like many others was drawn to the original stuff they produced from Hybrid Theory and Meteora was my favourite two albums. The newer stuff for me doesn't have that kick they once was able to do, but anyway the songs from H.T and Meteora are still played today and before his death.

I just want to say a massive thank you to Chester for sharing his music and rest well.

Linkin Park's band members set up a page for Chester and for people that want to pay tribute to him and has U.S suicide prevention line and other links and facebook page. http://chester.linkinpark.com/

UK Suicide prevention
http://www.samaritans.org/
116 123

Again I would like to apologise for the lack of posts this year, I can't say when I will be posting next but it will be soon. Regards to mental health its massive that the governments around the world put mental health more of a priority as it affects so many and people are losing their lives though illnesses such as depression. I've been in a deep depression once, and even now I question why I'm alive because at the age of 14 as I was dangling from my loft and thought no one was home. Now I'm thankful I'm alive.

See you soon

Sarah

xxx

If there is one thing when I started to write this blog about my gender journey I never thought I would be writing about terrorism. I never would be writing of tragedies that happened in two cities that are close to me. I never would of thought that Manchester would be one of them.

22^nd May 2017 Manchester Arena where thousands of people joined together to watch Ariana Grande perform on her ‘Dangerous Women Tour’. A concert that made many people young and old a dream night and one where they should have been talking about for many years on how great it was. That was until suicide Bomber Salman Abedi decided not just to change that but change people’s lives and futures. He decided to make an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) and let it off in the foyer.

People was waiting to pick up loved ones, people was leaving to get transport home to avoid the traffic it is just awful to hear about the events that took place. It has been announced that 22 people up to now has been killed with many injured and the list is now filling up with the names of the victims that lost their life because of this act of terror by this complete and utter disgrace of a human being.

Manchester is a place that is important to me, it holds so many memories from being the first busy place where I presented as female my true self during the day, it’s where I bought my first dress, first makeup im person. It’s where Sparkle is held (Canal Street) where I attended last year. It is mainly where I go to concerts. The Manchester Arena (formally the M.E.N and Phones 4 U Arena) is where I Watched my first concert (30 Seconds To Mars-This Is War Tour 2010)

For me a concert is more than going to be entertained it’s a celebration between you, the fans and the artist or band. Many people that went to Manchester Arena was their first concert and for many their last. This has upset me so much as concerts have the best feeling in the world, you feel proud to be a part of something, be in a screaming crowd seeing your favourite artist/bands on stage. It’s so good to join in a sing along and interact with everyone who show the same passion as you do and share something special. The feeling is out of this world.

“No one should go to a concert and worry about not getting home”

I found out a 1:30 am I woke up because I was dehydrated I got some water and went to find my phone to suddenly read about an explosion at the arena, I was straight away shocked and after reading and seeing videos I quickly broke down. I was up for almost 24 hours even attending the Vigil in Manchester. As soon as I saw the vigil was announced on TV I knew that is where I wanted to be. To pay my respect to the people that died, the people that was injured, the people that was affected, but also to show that I am not afraid just as thousands of others did. We sent our love, we sent our hugs and many of us sent our tears.

I would like to send my love to all the families that have lost their loved one’s people taken far too soon and for no reason other acts of evil. It didn’t just ruin a concert it has ruined other people’s lives, ruined what would have been a great memory. I do not want to name these people as victims but as Manchester’s Ari’s Angels

Chloe Rutherford & Liam Curry

Chloe a 17-year-old young lady and Liam Curry 19-year-old gentleman. Both so young full of life dreams and a couple. Two people that liked traveling and going to new places just like me, and they will never get the chance to do that again. I hope you both explore your new world to the fullest as much as you can even though it’s not where you should be right now. I hope you watch over your family and friends. Sleep tight #ManchesterArisAngels

Georgina Callander

18-year-old Lady the first to be identified went to Runshaw College, A lady again young not getting the chance to complete her learning path and getting the job she wants, not getting the chance at life and enjoying the freedom that it gives. She meet her Idol Back stage in 2015, meeting your idols are the best thing in the world and that chance of her not meeting Ariana again is just heart breaking. R.I.P #ManchesterArisAngels

John Atkinson

28-Year-old that was at the concert, He was leaving the concert when he was caught with the blast. A Go Fund Me page was set up for his family and with 1 hour over £1000 was donated. I’ve been unable to find any information on him but from the pictures John seemed to be the life of the party and a true gentleman. All I can say is spread that positivity the joy where you are.  #ManchesterArisAngels

Saffie Roussos

A child 8 year old, A beautiful girl with her full life ahead of her, what should have been the dream show. She attended Tarleton Community Primary School. Described as loved and had a creative flair has been brought to an end. A girl that should be talking to her class mates and friends of the dream night that she will never forget gone. I pray that she is now in a great place where her creativity can be expressed and shown. Sleep tight princess. #ManchesterArisAngels

Alison Howe and Lisa Lees

Alison, left and Lisa, right

Lisa 47 and Alison 45 went to pick their 15 year old daughters up from the concert and was waiting in the foyer in the Manchester Arena when the bomb hit. Two beautiful women wanting to make sure that their daughter got home safely taken from them. Their daughters are now safe and my condolences and thoughts are with your family. #ManchesterArisAngels

Olivia Campbell

Olivia was 15 years of age, not far off leaving high school and planning her future. A lady that was beautiful on the outside and I’m positive she was beautiful on the inside. I hope you get to party with the angles and don’t stop singing. Sleep tight. #ManchesterArisAngels

Angelika and Marcin Klis

The married couple from Poland went to pick up their daughters that went to the concert one of them was called Alex who was 20 did make an appeal on Facebook to the whereabouts of her parents. I’m so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter how old someone is parents will always want their children to get home safe. I hope you watch over your daughters and keep them safe. śpij dobrze #ManchesterArisAngels

Megan Hurley

Megan was one for the final people to be named of the people that lost their lives, she was just 15 years of age, another one with a full life ahead of them, her bother that was there also is injured 11. She attended Halewood Academy. A girl with a promising future now gone. Hope you continue to be awesome R.I.P Megan. #ManchesterArisAngels

Courtney Boyle and Philip Tron

Courtney Boyle 18 and Philip Tron 32. Courtney at that point where she can get out there have fun which will now never happen, Philip is a stepdad and had a great relationship with her and Courtney’s sister. Philip was described as Courtney sister as her Costa buddy. Both taken so soon, I hope you both party like their no tomorrow. Rest in Peace. #ManchesterArisAngels

Wendy Fawell

A 50-year-old lady and a mother. She was reported missing and was shared through Facebook and I imagine other social media platforms. You will be missed by many R.I.P Wendy. #ManchesterArisAngels

Elaine McIver

Elaine was an off-duty police officer that night and a night where she should be happy full of joy from watching the concert ended. I have the upmost respect for people in the services, whether it’s the Army, NHS, Police and Fire Fighters. I would like to thank you for your service and protecting the people in this country, where most people run away from danger and when you guys run towards it. I hope you keep the people safe where you are now and protect loved one R.I.P #ManchesterArisAngels

Eilidh Macleod

A lady from the Scottish Island of Barra and was 14, she attended the concert with her friend which  is still in hospital. They travelled such a long way to see a person who she loved and that is pure dedication. I’ve travelled hundreds of miles to see bands I love and the feeling of travelling all that way and get rewarded with a great show, and to see my idols is so good. But for it to end like that is truly heart breaking. Hope you get to travel and see many places and people Eilidh. R.I.P #ManchesterArisAngels

Sorrell Leczkowski

Sorrell was just 14. She was from Leeds and attended the concert with her mother and grandmother that are both in hospital. Sorrell’s grandmother has been unconscious since the blast I pray she pulls through.  My thoughts are with you all during this sad time R.I.P Sorrell #ManchesterArisAngels

Nell Jones

Another young lady aged just 14, Nell attended Holmes Chapel Comprehensive School. Head teacher Dennis Oliver broke the news. The information that I’ve seen was that Nell was popular and bright girl and the school where she attended was upset. It so sad another girl at 14 did not get home safely from a concert. R.I.P Nell #ManchesterArisAngels

Martyn Hett

Martyn was well known in Manchester and I found out on Facebook myself through a Facebook friend and former Sparkle Trustee (That was the Event Director, Stage Artist, Press and Media) Martyn was a Coronation Street super fan that had Deirdre Barlow tattooed on his ankle. His Boyfriend also was on Come Dine With Me (think he won it). Martyn described that he loved being the centre of attention and I hope that you entertain and make people happy where you are now. R.I.P Martyn #ManchesterArisAngels                                                                                                               

Michelle Kiss

Michelle 45, took her daughter Millie aged 12 to the concert. Millie’s picture touched so many hearts when she her picture was all over social media when she was being comforted by a police officer and was wearing I believe was the officers jacket. Millie is okay but has now lost her mother. I hope you grow strong Millie and Your mother Michelle watches over you and sees your achievements R.I.P Michelle #ManchesterArisAngels

Jane Tweddle-Taylor

50-years-old and a mother of three. Jane went to the arena to pick up friend’s daughter that has been confirmed as another one to have fallen on that dreadful night. Described as well-loved member of staff and will be missed. I hope you continue being kind where you are now R.I.P Jane #ManchesterArisAngels

Kelly Brewster

32 years old from Sheffield and a mother. A hero that died in the blast, she shielded her niece from the blast. Kelly went to the concert with her sister and her niece. It has been reported that Hollie has two broken legs and her sister has a broken jaw. What should have been a positive night they will never forget has now been turned to a negative one. Kelly, you gave your life for your niece you’re a hero, I hope you contain to watch over her and watch her grow. R.I.P Kelly #ManchesterArisAngels

These are the 22 Manchester Ari’s Angels. Gone but will never be forgotten, you all went to enjoy or pick up people you love up from what should have been a night of celebration which turned to death and suffering, it should be where everyone at the concert should be talking about seeing Ariana, You should be telling your parents how much of a great time you had. My heart goes out to everyone affected. Writing this post has taken me ages to write and many tears over my keyboard. It’s was a night of sarrow that should of never have happened, I hope all those linked with Salman Abedi are brought to justice and get the punishment they deserve and bring some form of closure and comfort knowing they’re not out on the street causing and plotting more destruction and sadness to us.

I would like to thank all the services and everyone that helped out at the arena, many lives have been saved. You are hero’s!

Rest in peace everyone

Britain will not fall, for we are great and glorious and pull together. Our Sprit will never die!

Thanks for reading

Sarah

xxx

All pics are from various sourses. The Pics of the Manchester’s Ari’s Angels are from the Telegraph

Hey guys!

I hope you liked my first part of winter footwear? There was so many OTK boots to choose from but I could only write about so much before it became wayyy to much.  Anyway now we’re back on to the main posts, which is back to “August 2015-2016.”

I left the last post where I finally met one of my best friends Vicky which was a long wait for her to see me as female. 25.1.16 was great because not I managed to be myself around another friend but it was also my first trip during the day into my home town which it didn’t end there I also caught the bus back home on my own. In Wigan we had coffee we went shopping, and we pretty much didn’t have any trouble. Think it was my lucky day… Plus it was on a Tuesday so I’m sure people had run out of their dole money and had to sign on… Just kidding. It was pretty busy which I think was a good thing.

 Trafford Centre

Sunday 7^th February was the first time I had presented as female since I went out with Vicky, this time I was with Ainsley and we went to the Trafford Centre to watch a movie, this was another biggy for me as the Trafford Centre is an extremely big shopping centre where I spend way too much money on makeup, clothes and other items when I’m there. Luckily I had Ainsley who doesn’t like shopping so it stopped me from dragging him around and potentially missing the film time. The film we went watching was Zoolander 2, and a big piece of advice if you haven’t watched it… Leave it that way. It was awful and I mean awful. I went to watch the film because it was mainly to get out of the house as female and take on a new challenge. I went to the toilet many times during the film and for some reason when I present female I tend to use the loo more often than normal.

  Food Court Trafford Centre

From this point I was highly thinking to myself “This is who I am.” I was walking through the Trafford Centre without a care in the world… Even bought eyeliner. I couldn’t have given a damn about what people was thinking. When I was going to the toilets I didn’t care I just went in the females as it felt natural to me.

 

Even though I was starting to get more and more confident I ended up becoming ill again which for some reason I was vomiting, which at first I felt nothing of till the second time I was sick and the third time I was vomiting pure blood. Was this through doing too much since September? Who knows all I know that I wasn’t in a good place. I had to ring for an ambulance and took a massive bad turn while on the phone and from having to wait an hour I waited 10 mins till they came, where they took me to A&E where I had some tests done, luckily it was quiet so I didn’t wait too long, I tore my feeding tube in 3 places and tore some other tubing I’ve forgot everything, but after a drip I went home had a few hours’ sleep and went back to work till 6pm

On the 18.2.16 it was a late finish for me at work but weekdays became gaming nights with people I work/worked with, and soon became a tradition for us to be on for 9/10pm, this was great as I soon started to feel great getting back into gaming again like I used to with people, but there was one thing that was always doing my head in that was I wasn’t presenting female enough and it started to upset me as I was giving me enough time to be me. I was giving it to games so I had to think of how to do both… then it hit me, why don’t I do both? So I did. They both knew about me anyway and didn’t care so why should I? From then if I ever felt any gender dysphoria (unless I was working in the morning) I presented female when I was gaming.Wearing the hat for gaming is also tradition for me when presenting female, not sure why but it feels right.

  

 At the bus stop, I look ill 

During February Vicky got me on a free make over voucher for Benefit cosmetics. I had to think about this for a few days because it meant pretty much going to Wigan bare faced. Which for someone that at this point was in limbo but thinking that I was Bi-Gender wasn’t helping, because I would easily have been clocked by people as they would be able to see my stubble even though I would have shaved and it wouldn’t have felt right. So when the day came (22.2.16) I just wore foundation for makeup. I would have to take it off so we went to the arcade in the women’s toilets where I would wipe the foundation off, after that I rapidly walked to the benefit counter. When I mean rapidly I mean it. I would have put Mo Farah to shame and I was wearing 3 inch heels that day.

After the makeover

It was then on the 25.2.16 where my mind was made up that I was female, I went shopping in Manchester with Vicky and I felt so in my zone, it was like it was meant to be that I was female. We went in the toilets took loads of selfies, and it felt right… Not the selfies in the toilet just the whole experience. I didn’t care at all, it was a girl’s day out shopping, makeup and coffee next time it will probably be booze. The funny thing was I didn’t actually buy that much, I couldn’t find anything that I really wanted, but the day was great and I can’t wait to do it again. Unfortunately, I’ve not presented as female where I’ve out with Vicky since then. Mainly it’s been due to time or issues within the house. The main issue is I won’t present as female if my Dad has seen me as male before. I know it wouldn’t bother him but it just doesn’t feel right for me yet and I’ve struggle loads with this.

 On the train to Manchester and my first coffee with my name on it. 

  

It was in February that I choose a new path to walk and that was to transition. I booked an appointment at my doctor’s surgery, where I was told that I would hear from them. With a new path also comes a new community after admitting that I was going to transition I was invited to loads of groups on Facebook which I soon meet loads of people and my friends list started to grow as well as my Instagram and this blog for views.

The thing was I was extremely naïve and thought the community is perfect but I was soon wrong. I soon found out that the trans community can be a hostile and unfriendly place. I was having a number of people messaging me telling me I should be wearing. I should have been wearing this or I should have been wearing that. One person told me I should have been wearing fishnets tights! I know right fishnets!

I was being told how to do makeup which I didn’t listen to anybody. The worse was the bitching yes, in multiple groups there was loads. I thought when I first joined you would get the help and learn from everyone as you were pretty much in it together… yeah right. I soon found out that the trans community is nothing really special which to be honest I like, yes I like it. Not because of the bitching and the inside war at the time that was going on but because to me it showed that these are normal people and a normal community, I don’t think there is a community in the world where they all get along. My biggest issue is the same with any other person really and that is I don’t like people being condescending or people who are up their own arses. I don’t like where some say you’re a crossdresser unless you’re on hormones. What a loads of shit that is! For people that are trying to get equality some don’t give it to others within their own community. I don’t understand that even now how people can say that? For me it was heart breaking as I came into the community as a newbie trying to learn and you have people like that.

I did get support and met some great people I still speak to today, but I can’t get over the fact that some pages/groups rather than working together they created segregation. Now It has changed and the segregation seems to have left the groups that I’m in but I know it will be still there in others. In February it wasn’t great but all I can say was that things did improve as you will find out in upcoming posts.   

Thanks for reading

Sarah