Two genders Two Tails

This year started out so great, I had my trip to London then did Scotland which I wrote blog posts about and was posting them regular of my trip to London but because of recent terrorist attacks in London and Manchester then London again it made it harder and harder to post about and celebrate it. So I've decided to mention it in this post but the main part of this post is about depression and a few other things really not had a good time this year up to now and it has delayed my transition and has knocked my confidence.

Coming Home From London (briefly)

30th January and it was time to leave, before packing I was up early I went for some breakfast before packing to come home. The journey from the hotel to Euston Station went well I was there early and went into the Virgin First Class Lounge, after waiting in there it was time to board my train which was great and very organised... While I was on the train journey the train slowed down then came to a stop for a good 10-15 minutes which after we started to move then it was for another 15 minutes the train was crawling. The Virgin Trains host then said over the speaker that the track was reported to have a crack in the line and as a precaution they had be very slow. He was very calm which made me and others a little nervous because what if they didn't know of the crack in the line and we was travelling over it at full speed that could of been a disaster and I might not of been around if it did, but anyway we past it we never had any other issues.


Main Post

I would say its been an eventful year up to now unfortunately not in the right way and I feel to much tragedy has been a massive part for me. After London was hit by terrorist twice and Manchester (very close to me) has affected me loads but in March this year me and my Mum decided to walk in different directions and without me telling her that I will be transitioning to female. In between I've been working hard at the gym (a couple of stops in between) but really been hammered with depression, to a point where I was so low suicidal thoughts started to appear in my head which I've not discussed with anyone apart from just saying I feel a little low.

Luckily I managed to over come that without seeking professional help but with a group of awesome ladies I've become friends with you from a makeup group. You know who you guys are. A few people I work with again you know who you guys are and smashing the gym which really does help and my two gaming buddies. A massive thank you love you guys loads. Unfortanlty it's a topic I don't really discuss with people to how I feel.

The Gym

I've been attending JD Gyms in Wigan since the middle of November 2016 which I did well all the way up till the middle of February, where I had my bad stint from my work life to my home life, it seemed I couldn't get away from any negativity. That happened for about 2 months where I couldn't get back into the gym and my diet just crumbled. I felt alone hardly seeing friends or really going out. I spent so much just rolled up in a ball crying over many thing really, feeling lonely, feeling  how I felt about my gender, not really get the chance to be the real me. It go to the point where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and broke a few small mirrors of my own.

Shortly after the bad patch I new that I had to do something as I couldn't let depression and just feeling useless and really going back to the person I was a good few years ago where I had no friends and be in my room all the time in my bubble. So I started at the gym again and I was getting leaner but I had to change the way I exercise as I wasn't able to get in some of my dresses because of my shoulders and arms. Then came Sparkle in Manchester this year, and in almost a month I've started to become depressed again and at the moment trying to get back in the gym once again but the first 2 weeks for me is the hardest to get back into. I know at one point I will get a personal trainer which I've wanted since January but other things has come along. It's something I will get back into just need to keep going.

Away from the gym I've been doing a few side projects but very slow to make sure that what I'm doing is worth it and between my moods which isn't easy at all. This is only brief of what has gone on and will be explain in time to come, but I've not abandoned this blog at all, I've just taken a step back to sort myself out and will start writing soon as I get better mentally.

Chester Bennington's Death

As many people know on the 20th June Linkin Park's Front man Chester Bennington Committed Suicide by hanging himself. It was a shock to the music world and everyone that knew him leaving behind 6 children and a wife. Chester as suffered from mental health problems for many years as he was abused when he was very young by his father (according to Wikipedia) and also where Chester opened up a few years ago about his mental issues and being abused.

Like many others I grew up with Linkin Park and again like many others was drawn to the original stuff they produced from Hybrid Theory and Meteora was my favourite two albums. The newer stuff for me doesn't have that kick they once was able to do, but anyway the songs from H.T and Meteora are still played today and before his death.

I just want to say a massive thank you to Chester for sharing his music and rest well.

Linkin Park's band members set up a page for Chester and for people that want to pay tribute to him and has U.S suicide prevention line and other links and facebook page. http://chester.linkinpark.com/

UK Suicide prevention
http://www.samaritans.org/
116 123

Again I would like to apologise for the lack of posts this year, I can't say when I will be posting next but it will be soon. Regards to mental health its massive that the governments around the world put mental health more of a priority as it affects so many and people are losing their lives though illnesses such as depression. I've been in a deep depression once, and even now I question why I'm alive because at the age of 14 as I was dangling from my loft and thought no one was home. Now I'm thankful I'm alive.