This year started out so great, I had my trip to London then did Scotland which I wrote blog posts about and was posting them regular of my trip to London but because of recent terrorist attacks in London and Manchester then London again it made it harder and harder to post about and celebrate it. So I've decided to mention it in this post but the main part of this post is about depression and a few other things really not had a good time this year up to now and it has delayed my transition and has knocked my confidence.

Coming Home From London (briefly)

30th January and it was time to leave, before packing I was up early I went for some breakfast before packing to come home. The journey from the hotel to Euston Station went well I was there early and went into the Virgin First Class Lounge, after waiting in there it was time to board my train which was great and very organised... While I was on the train journey the train slowed down then came to a stop for a good 10-15 minutes which after we started to move then it was for another 15 minutes the train was crawling. The Virgin Trains host then said over the speaker that the track was reported to have a crack in the line and as a precaution they had be very slow. He was very calm which made me and others a little nervous because what if they didn't know of the crack in the line and we was travelling over it at full speed that could of been a disaster and I might not of been around if it did, but anyway we past it we never had any other issues.


Main Post

I would say its been an eventful year up to now unfortunately not in the right way and I feel to much tragedy has been a massive part for me. After London was hit by terrorist twice and Manchester (very close to me) has affected me loads but in March this year me and my Mum decided to walk in different directions and without me telling her that I will be transitioning to female. In between I've been working hard at the gym (a couple of stops in between) but really been hammered with depression, to a point where I was so low suicidal thoughts started to appear in my head which I've not discussed with anyone apart from just saying I feel a little low.

Luckily I managed to over come that without seeking professional help but with a group of awesome ladies I've become friends with you from a makeup group. You know who you guys are. A few people I work with again you know who you guys are and smashing the gym which really does help and my two gaming buddies. A massive thank you love you guys loads. Unfortanlty it's a topic I don't really discuss with people to how I feel.

The Gym

I've been attending JD Gyms in Wigan since the middle of November 2016 which I did well all the way up till the middle of February, where I had my bad stint from my work life to my home life, it seemed I couldn't get away from any negativity. That happened for about 2 months where I couldn't get back into the gym and my diet just crumbled. I felt alone hardly seeing friends or really going out. I spent so much just rolled up in a ball crying over many thing really, feeling lonely, feeling  how I felt about my gender, not really get the chance to be the real me. It go to the point where I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and broke a few small mirrors of my own.

Shortly after the bad patch I new that I had to do something as I couldn't let depression and just feeling useless and really going back to the person I was a good few years ago where I had no friends and be in my room all the time in my bubble. So I started at the gym again and I was getting leaner but I had to change the way I exercise as I wasn't able to get in some of my dresses because of my shoulders and arms. Then came Sparkle in Manchester this year, and in almost a month I've started to become depressed again and at the moment trying to get back in the gym once again but the first 2 weeks for me is the hardest to get back into. I know at one point I will get a personal trainer which I've wanted since January but other things has come along. It's something I will get back into just need to keep going.

Away from the gym I've been doing a few side projects but very slow to make sure that what I'm doing is worth it and between my moods which isn't easy at all. This is only brief of what has gone on and will be explain in time to come, but I've not abandoned this blog at all, I've just taken a step back to sort myself out and will start writing soon as I get better mentally.

Chester Bennington's Death

As many people know on the 20th June Linkin Park's Front man Chester Bennington Committed Suicide by hanging himself. It was a shock to the music world and everyone that knew him leaving behind 6 children and a wife. Chester as suffered from mental health problems for many years as he was abused when he was very young by his father (according to Wikipedia) and also where Chester opened up a few years ago about his mental issues and being abused.

Like many others I grew up with Linkin Park and again like many others was drawn to the original stuff they produced from Hybrid Theory and Meteora was my favourite two albums. The newer stuff for me doesn't have that kick they once was able to do, but anyway the songs from H.T and Meteora are still played today and before his death.

I just want to say a massive thank you to Chester for sharing his music and rest well.

Linkin Park's band members set up a page for Chester and for people that want to pay tribute to him and has U.S suicide prevention line and other links and facebook page. http://chester.linkinpark.com/

UK Suicide prevention
http://www.samaritans.org/
116 123

Again I would like to apologise for the lack of posts this year, I can't say when I will be posting next but it will be soon. Regards to mental health its massive that the governments around the world put mental health more of a priority as it affects so many and people are losing their lives though illnesses such as depression. I've been in a deep depression once, and even now I question why I'm alive because at the age of 14 as I was dangling from my loft and thought no one was home. Now I'm thankful I'm alive.

See you soon

Sarah

xxx

Hey guys!

Welcome back to Part 2 of London-Scotland 2017, This part of the trip is about getting to London and what I did before I checked into the Hotel.

All week I had one big thing on my mind and that was; Should I go to London as who I am as female? Or go as male where I could chill out and not worry about anything but possibly regret it later on? It was just 24 hours before I made my mind up that I was going to take the risk and go as male. With all the bags it made perfect sense to go as male and also I had to think about my skin and knowing if I did go as female then I would have to take my makeup off to then shave and reapply it for the night out.

Anyway at 6:10am my train arrived I got on the train and thinking it will be like most first class Virgin Trains where it would be spacious with those lights you get on the side of your table and people coming round with drinks etc... I was soon disappointed. Instead I had to go to the shop when it opened and then claim it by showing them my ticket, I got a chicken wrap with Caesar Sauce which was nice and a Galaxy hot chocolate which was also great. I must admit the train journey was indeed extremely quick compared to most times I've been to London. Then again I had two games on the go, Casino Inc – The Management game on my laptop and Football Manager on my PSP.

What I'm used to having

We arrived in London a little early that expected and was around 8am when I arrived, struggling with all my luggage I knew that I had to find somewhere to store all my things and quick. I looked online for storage places which was between £6-12 per bag… I had 5 bags with me and all was very heavy so I decided to take a gamble and ring my hotel and see if they had any storage facilities till I checked in, the good news is that they did and was free of charge, which I couldn’t believe. So I set off with all my luggage but I couldn’t help but look around and most of the People I saw was carrying at least two small suitcases with wheels on them compared to me which was one large travel case, laptop bag with all my tech, backpack full of makeup and my camera, a bag full of my coats and another bag.

Within around 30 minutes I was there, I put my bags in a room that was secured and I was able to set off. There was always one thing I planned to do and this was to waste time more than anything and that was to visit Arsenal’s stadium, it’s a ground that I’ve always wanted to go to… Unfortunately, they were away during my visit, I did have a second chance which was the F.A Cup draw... which they were also drawn away, but it didn’t stop me from going to have a look around.

I picked probably one of the worst routes to go mainly it was a long route, I could have caught a tube which would of  been one stop but I didn’t and I kept going. I wanted to pass the venue of where I would be going which was O2 Islington which was pretty easy to find. I took in all the building that I would remember, such as the Sainsbury’s, the Vue cinema which I almost went to see a film. I kept going thinking I would find a kfc… I did but it was closed. 

I loved the stadium it looked great and was massive, walking round it seemed longer than the train journey but then again I was in extreme discomfort as I need a trip to the loo. Highbury I was shocked at as it wasn't really a nice place... well the way I walked in it wasn't but it was great to get out and explore.

I got back to the Hotel about 11:45 which I had a nice walk but was tired. Thankfully I had a great hotel receptionist that was awesome. I decided to take peoples advice I was given on various social network platforms and decided to declare I was trans not full time and they will see me going to and from as male/female. The Hotel receptionist was great and reassured me that it was fine and in London you can get away with pretty much anything, she checked my room on the computer and said my room was ready and I was checked in early so a win all round.So I went in my room and unpacked… boy was that a chore with the amount of stuff I had, I soon hit the hey for a power hour.

For this part I'm going to leave it there as this post will be too long otherwise. Join me in a couple of days when I talk about meeting up with an awesome trans girl and my night out around Camden and what else I got up to.

I can’t wait to share more with you all, join me in a couple of days for part 3 of my London-Scotland 2017 Trip.

Thanks for reading

Sarah

London

Hello and welcome to today’s post and is another special post and it's to do with planning a trip to London. I’ve been to London a good few times and stayed over most of them, but I’ve never really done longer than twenty-four hours. I’ve been to Wembley to watch two NFL games with the New England Patriots which are my favourite team and with Wigan Athletic twice in the FA Cup Semi Final and the Community Shield and once to watch my favourite band Versailles at Islington which I have the bands name tattooed on my arm.

This time it’s not just a trip and staying for 24 hours in London, it’s for 3 nights and four days, but it doesn’t just stop there. The reason for my trip is to watch my favourite band for a second time… Versailles are back!

Last time went with two girls that I worked with and they're awesome, and it was a trip that I will never forget, because I was with people I liked and the band that I loved but we got to meet them and it has to be one of the best moments of my life, but it wasn’t just that which made it the best moment but having to share that moment with them and also to celebrate it together. This time I will be going to the gig alone which is sad but at the same time I’m used to it, but then again you don’t really talk or interact with anyone at gig really once it starts. When the music starts I get into a trance sometimes so deeply the world just doesn’t exist.

My last Versailles gig was in 2011, and the year after they released and album didn’t come to the UK or even Europe I think and decided to split and to do different things until last year 2015 they announced that they were coming back! Since coming back they didn’t really release much information, a new album but it was just a collaboration of songs they did plus a few new ones but not something you can call new album but hell they’re coming back and it feels awesome.

So it’s a gig and spending three nights and 4 days there, so what’s so big about it?

Well its massive for me because the last time I was in London l I never really knew about my gender or myself, I never really felt anything because I was this unemotional asshole that was forcing any feelings I had at all away, this time I have options to go as female or go as male… or screw with the reception at the hotel and do a mixture.

Anyway 29^th December came where I had something I was missing in my bank account and that was money so I could book my hotel and train tickets. When I look for a hotel I generally don’t care what it looks like as I’m pretty much just put my extremely baggy jeans on, band tee-shirts, hoodies and most importantly chains kind guy. So booking a hotel this time had to be different.  My requirements are pretty simple though. A massive reception desk so I don’t have to interact with the hotel staff, A self-check-in and a well lit room and a bloody good mirror. Seriously how hard can it be?

Why do I need all these?

I’ve decided that I need to build myself up for next year as I’m yet to do most things independently. I’ve caught a bus on my own and waited on a park bench but that is it. So the choices I’ve decided on are to set myself up and be female if I want to.

Why the big reception area?

This is because ‘if’ I decided to check-in as female/venture out as female etc I don’t want to interact with people I’ve never met. For me it’s about baby steps and putting the foundations in place which many people don’t understand, once the foundations are set then you can do more and build up. With a bigger reception area I don’t have to walk near the desk and for the staff to say “Hi” or “goodnight” etc. I know that might sound moody of me but I don’t want to talk back to them really with my untrained voice.

A Self-Check-In?

This is quicker and apparently it will give me a key so that means it is quicker (unless the thing breaks) or most importantly if it does work it means I don’t have to talk to anyone.

This isn't the ones at my hotel but will be similar.

A well lit room?

I plan to pack both sets of clothes which means over 10 days’ worth of clothes as I might need to come back and change if I want to meet up with someone and go out for the evening I will want to go smart/smart causal. I will need to pack male shoes/trainers. Which I only have one of each or as female god knows how many boots and shoes (depending on the weather) I will need dresses, skirts, tops, makeup (I have loads of it), bras, underwear etc. For my male side jeans tops and if I find a gym I can pay for one or two sessions/maybe a jog some track suit pants. That is to name a few.  Anyway A well lit room is just for doing makeup and the mirror? Well I don’t need to talk about that.

Which hotel did I pick?

The stay in London isn't just all about Versailles as they're just the one night and after how I felt not going as female to the Bullet For My Valentine gig was massive. One thing I forgot to mention was Distance. I plan to go to the event as female so I will be wearing heels probably my boots for this and I tend to go to que up early also which means standing up for about 4-6 hours so I will need comfy shoes where I won’t want to take them off while I’m in the venue.

So I decided to go with Travelodge: London Kings Cross Royal Scot. It wasn’t too far and had everything I wanted and I decided to go all out and go for a double room, which mean I would get;

A king size bed,

A bath and shower, Some with wet rooms (I should get a bath which I prefer so I can shave my body in)

This should be hopefully mine.

A TV (might take my xbox haha)

A good size desk which means I could do my makeup and also write a post-up on here.

Blogging space

A plus side to this location was just the one, it had great attraction links to most things;

London Zoo and the London Eye 1.8 miles away,

The British Museum 0.9 miles away,

British Library 0.5 miles away,

Central London 1.6 miles away,

The Emirates Stadium isn’t far away either,

But most importantly 1.2 miles away from the O2 Academy Islington, and the shopping centre.

I plan to go round London, I plan to go to Harrods, The London Eye, Tower Bridge, The Tower Of London, Buckingham Palace and so many more, I hope to meet with friends that I’ve met on social media also.

What about the night time?

I can’t say whether I will be presenting as male or female but I would like to hit a couple of clubs afterwards. I know the Saturday night at O2 Islington they have Club De Fromage. That is when the the venue becomes a normal night club which plays most of your club music from Lady Gaga to Bon Jovi, but I do like metal music mainly.

The Underworld, seems a promising Venue where they do Rock, Metal and Alternative music so this seem pretty great and best of all, not is it on my side of the River Thames it’s also pretty close to my hotel also. Which I might see myself there for the Saturday I arrive but will have to wait till 11pm when I get in as they have a band on which after checking them out isn’t my thing. 

Electric Ballroom is another place I could go and is also not far from my hotel and is close to The Underworld night club so we will see, I don’t intend on staying in whether it means presenting as male or female. 

Soho, is a place in London that seems to be a great place for the nightlife, but it also seems to have LGBT nightclubs also which include Heaven which supposed to have one of the biggest dance floors in London. It’s still early days yet to find a nightclub but anything can happen but hopefully I will find someone off my Facebook friends to do something and go clubbing with. No matter what I do I will make sure I have a great time and meet up with people and have a good laugh, so with this I can do is think ahead.

There is one thing I do have an issue with and that is my hair, if I go out with my wig that I’m currently using then I will bump into an issue with overheating. Under my wig it can get very hot indeed and with no time left to order a new one it is to turn to my lace front that I’ve never worn out properly. When I’ve tried it it feels great, not to heavy, and where I won’t get to hot in it also so I’m thinking of taking a gamble, this means taking it to a hair dressers and getting them to do it which might cost just as much as getting a new wig as I will not wear synthetic wigs anymore, not because they don’t look real or anything but because I don’t feel as authentic as I do with real hair. The hair gives me the most confidence and I think this lace front I need to try more and get it used, again we will see what happens.

That is it for this post, thanks for reading and I can’t wait to go to London and also share the story with you all.

Thanks
Sarah

xx