I managed to get a bit of energy from when I wrote on here about resting and I’ve decided to write about the last twelve months which will include Sparkle, New place of employment (no brand name) and other bits of news which will be split into parts as it will be too long to read.

These last twelve months has defiantly been a test not just physically but mentally in many ways. I’ve been ill which for everyone that has read this blog before or worked with me knows that I’ve spoken about more times than Dave Whelan mentioning about breaking his leg an FA Cup Final when Wigan Athletic reached and won it in 2013.

Left: Sick Note. Right: End Of Contract.

In August 2015 I handed a Doctor’s Note and in within two hours the place where I worked ended my contract making me unemployed for the first time since I left school in August 2006. With the room spinning I knew that I had to do something for money, within two days I went to the Job Centre to sign on JSA (Job Seekers Allowance) but they turned me down because I was unwell, which I was told to go on the sick. This meant for around a month I had to keep going to the doctors for a sick note and sending it off, I still remained hopeful though because this gave me time to look for a job that I want without having to spend thirty plus hours a week looking for work and applying for jobs that I didn’t want to do, and I wanted to stay in the computing/electrical industry.

In the car, first time im out in daylight as female 

12th July

At this time, I was confused with my gender as in July when I still was thinking I was Bi-Gender I wasn’t presenting as female. I remember I last went out with my Dad and it was in daylight for the first time, and since then I just felt normal and when I did research it happened to other people that was also Bi-Gender, where they wouldn’t present as the opposite gender they were born as. Just before my Birthday one of the two jobs I applied for gave me an interview, that was hard I had to do a presentation to impress which I did an animation and got another interview where I had to work for a few hours. Not sure how I passed them both with me looking white as a sheet and not walking great.

Having vertigo was the scariest thing I’ve ever had and since leaving school in 2006 this was the first time I’ve ever been as ill as that. I’m not a person that scared of anything, but having four full grown adults lifting you out of bed, when your laying helplessly shaking and thinking the world was going to end really was something that I’ve never felt before. Being off I really hated as I like to be actice and doing things which pretty much I was unable to do. I hope I never have to sign on because that wold hurt. I love working, I love testing myself physically and mentally which is why I hated being off. It wasn’t like I could go into my garden and chop the weeds down, and yes chop.

From my first shift in September 16th till around mid-November it was hard. Every day was a challenge again physically and mentally where I was in bed before 10:30pm -11pm because I was drained, I had to think about every step I took  but since 7^th August 2015 I didn’t do one thing and that was rest. By October I thought my female side had gone for good. I packed all my female clothes away took my female Facebook profile down…

  I'm back 4th November

I was wrong at the start of November when I was starting to feel me… Ish. Then my feelings came back and of the 4^th November I presented female for the first time since 12^th July. I soon came out to work colleagues and the reactions I got was positive and the talk was all on the Christmas night out in who I would be coming as. Nick or Sarah? I was unsure at first as it would be a first in many ways for me if I went as female, but leading up to it I started to join Facebook groups for trans people and started to talk to people and following their journeys that became inspiring to me. 

It was till I saw a picture of other Trans* people out and about in bars on the day, it got methinking about how I felt before the works Christmas night out. The fight in my attitude came back where it was “If they can do it why can’t I?” So I started to get ready and I went out as female. The night went so much better than I ever could imagined and I would like to thank my work colleagues and my boss for being great and understanding and very supportive. It was when I got home I started to realise that I was more than just Bi-Gender.

 It was these two Pictures that started to make me question my gender

Twelve months ago I was jobless and fucked. It was like the world put a road block in my way, I was losing weight fast, I was losing hope fast, my gender was pretty much nowhere and I felt my identity was striped. Even though the world was spinning, a road block in my way and being sick every day I still got up. There are a few things I have a passion for and that is not giving up, it’s helping people but most of all giving the middle finger to those how say I can’t do something and to those who screw me over. I never stopped believing and carried on till I managed to get a job within a month as the world spun by. It’s something I’m proud of that I didn’t give up.

I could of happily stayed at home and waited till I recovered, but I couldn’t change anything just sitting on my couch in Wigan. (slightly ripped that part from CM Punk but it’s true)

“Barriers are only there to stop you, it’s up to you how to get over them” (That’s Mine)

I’m going to leave it there for this part. 

Over the next coming parts these are some of the people that have inspired me, helped me and I will be mentioning these people and more people in upcoming posts. 

Alison

Michelle

 Victoria

 

Chloé

(Chloé also has a Youtube Channel)

 Jamie and Harry 

(They're both transgender, girlfriend and boyfriend, and have a Youtube Channel: ThatTransCouple)

These are a just people few people that I've met or spoke to etc I would like thank these awesome people for letting me use their pictures, letting me write about them, also for your help, support, guidance and being a huge inspiration to me and others. A big thank you to my work colleagues, friends, family and the LGBT community for being supportive.

Till next time see you later. 

Thanks for reading

xx

Hi guys 

1st April 2014 was where my life changed forever, it was the day I accepted a new journey and start walking down the gender path. It doesn’t feel like two years but hell I've done so much in this time. 

This is where I'm going to start. It was a few years ago and probably before I knew about my gender issue, but I knew I wasn't happy, I was moody, not a great person to be around I was over weight, even though my tits was so on point they still was showing I had no respect for my own body, the only good thing about the picture was it taken by one of a few people that has stood by me and I still see today. The huge depressing thing about it was as male I had hair then and now it's just... well I don't want to go there. It wasn't the fact that I ate at McDonald most of the time... it really didn't help but I was just not in a great place I ate crap all the time and daily Kcal of 4000-5000 per day and huge portions of food.

When I found out about Bi-Gender it still wasn't clear to me so I spent loads of time searching about what Bi-Gender really was as many sites didn't offer much help where I would understand it. It came down to a website called Deviant Art and I found a girl called Ria all by mistake, then I read her journals and thought yeah this is how I feel and I wanted to know more, so I messaged her which I got a reply about a week later and we started to talk from there.

It was when she pointed me on YouTube to an awesome person called Brin, she had her own YouTube channel and has videos which she has uploaded so you can watch. I learned loads but then learned that she has a website called bigender.net where I soon met loads of people like me and started to learn more about me and well the rest is history but if it wasn't for Ria I would of be still in the same shitty ass dark place in my head and god knows what now.

I would like to post one of Brins videos if you would like to watch. There are also many people in the Trans* community that haven't heard of the term Bi-Gender also. 

2014

My first ever picture it wasn't great but when I started I bought loads of joblots on ebay and I got about 6 different shades and their was a girl I used to work with and she was wayyyy over fake tanned. I was never one for picture of myself, I had no confidence I always thought I was fat... mainly because I was, but anyway I thought if I'm going to take a picture of myself it has to be funny so this is it. The wig was only a fancy dress one and you couldn't do anything with it but I knew it was never going to last.

These two wasn't long after my first but I know I was drunk when I did them... Would anyone believe me then that my boobs was just a padded bra A cup and I didn't even bother stuffing them. 

I soon ditched the corny fancy dress wig and bought a synthetic wig one where you could even use straighteners to around 120oc, and this was my first dress. 

These two was around the similar time but I knew that I need to document my journey to myself which now I'm so glad I did as I can look back and think wow. 

This was the first picture that I ever looked at and thought "is that really me?" This was taken in July 2014.

This is a day will never forget it was the first time ever I went out in public as female for the first time. What was meant to be a drive turned into over an hour in the Blackpool illumination traffic and I soon needed to go to the loo and yeah I used to women's and then spent till 1am in Coral Island on the arcade machines but hey I got a teddy out of it.

November was when everything changed, I looked in the mirror and I saw me diferently and didn't like what I saw so I soon splashed out on an expensive wig and started to buy better quality items from makeup to clothes and started to learn more, So I decided to change and started looking at fashion more and to be the girl I saw myself as in the mirror and I soon started to feel happy and more comforting to who I am.

Christmas Eve where I was invited (as Male) to go have a few drinks with the people I used to work with, but it came with a twist... I went as female, it was the first time I showed myself as female to loads of people I knew all at once and also a pub that was just around the corner from me... I was plastered before I went to the pub and still had a few more whilst I was in there.

2015

Nothing really happened after Christmas eve but I started to exercise more and soon I started to lose weight, but also started to get more confident and soon was wearing dresses, boots which was getting noticed by others.

In May dresses started to become more and more and even now its rare I wear jeans or pants anymore.

12th July 2015 this would be the last time till November where I would present female, I have no idea why? In that 4 months I became very ill lost my job less than 2 hours after I handed a sick note in, Within that time I still wasn't well but got a new job at working with awesome people. 

In November the feelings came back but worse, I was out to colleagues and started to present female again.

A few days later I went back to Blackpool more confident, a better person the difference I can't deny is massive. 

In December it was the works Christmas outing and I ended up going as female it was awesome and my first time I've presented as female to work colleagues.

2016

In January it didn't stop there and I went to work to do an extra shift but out of business hours and I was allowed to come as I felt and that was female it was also the first time that I was out during the day where people could see me. At that time I was struggling with who I was, I was starting to feel depressed all the time, I started to cry a couple of times it really wasn't great and got to a point where I was presenting female all the time outside of work, days off and as soon as I got home.

The first picture on this post where I was fat, a depressive asshole with hair was taken by this awesome lady and defo my bestie. It was also where the first time I showed off my new wig and colour which has taken a while to get used to. Seeing Vicky was a over a year in the making where she was meant to come to the pub on Christmas Eve but unfortunately couldn't make it. This was the first time I was out as female in my own town and ordered my first Starbucks.

February again didn't slow down, from going to the Trafford Center Cinemas as female, I also went for my first make over with Vicky as nervous as I was when I left my house with light foundation and removed it before the make over. I was very tense. Almost forgot to mention that I also have decided to transition to female and that I am now transgender. 

Shopping as female with Vicky, the day was awesome but the shopping was awful I came back with new tights and a couple of other things. On the other hand I finally got my Starbucks name with my name on and Vick's with some name. 

Since then nothing up to now has really happened but there is no point in rushing anything. This is my latest photo.

It's messed up how someone can quickly change in appearance and as a person, I'm more at peace with myself, I've made loads of friends and I'm still close with the friends that has always been there for me. I'm more confident as a person and who knows what the next chapter of my life is.
All I can say is thank you my friends for the support, thank you to my friends that are close to me. My Dad said has said to me  "In life you're lucky to have someone you can call your best friend." I feel I'm extremely lucky to have more... Well I'm lucky to have three people close to me that I can call best friends, the only issue is that the one who has known me longest will get a shock when he sees me as female for the first time.

Thanks for reading.

Hey guys!

Sorry I’ve not written this week. It has been busy and I’m still recovering from being taken to hospital last week which mainly I’m just tired (suppose that’s nothing new haha)

As for those who read my last post I’ve finally posted that I will be walking down the road to transition to female earlier that I thought and had an appointment with my GP which was on Wednesday 17^th February.  A couple of days before I was due to go I was getting nervous not because I knew I was starting my journey where I will be transitioning (I’m shitting my pants about that) but how I would say “I identify myself as female.” Like how was I?

After speaking to a few trans* friends I heard how they came out to their doctor and it helped a little. The issue I was having was whenever you go to the doctors they always say something along these lines of “how may I help you today?” That was where I was thinking in my head and I would stop, I didn’t know why, it wasn’t the nerves kicking in god knows what it was. Anyway the day came and guess what the doctor said those lines and when I was advised to take a breath I didn’t and came straight out with it.

Trying to remember what I said is hard at best of times, but it was along the lines of “Over the last 2 years I been suffering gender dysphoria, and I want to be referred to a gender specialist to help me with my identity.”   He looked at me with great interest and asked me to describe it in more depth, which I said about when it first started was in April 2014, where I came across the word Bi-Gender, and at that time it was where I felt I was female at times, and I was really learning about myself and how I felt about myself, but over these recent months I’ve started to back track and I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing certain things that I’ve done was feminine from being a child.

I also explained about my childhood wasn’t great, so trusting people etc and my whole feelings I shut away and to a point where a few years ago my own Mother said I was heartless. I explained that only recently I opened my emotions and that is where I started feeling like I was in the wrong body and was starting to identify myself more as female. Which if I never shut myself feelings off I probably would have transitioned many years ago.

Recent Picture 

After talking for a few minutes he told me that the whole process is drawn out and is an extremely long journey, and just to be seen by a gender specialist can be a good while off. I explained that I read that Leeds GIC Clinic had bad reports and that the waiting list was around 2-3 years so called which he was shocked that the list was that long. He explained to me that the surgery I’m at has two transgender patients on their books who are children and that they were sent to Leeds which had good results but Leeds is one of two GIC Clinics for children in the UK.

One of my first ever pictures as female

My Doctor said that he will have to ring me to discuss where I can go and the options that I have so hopefully I will hear from him soon and get on the waiting list for a GIC Clinic where it’s looking like it will be Nottingham or Northampton, but I’m not really looking into so soon. The next step is hearing from my doctor.

Part of my Journey and an old picture

I will post updates of when that happens and I’m still thinking about making videos, I just hate hearing my voice on a mic and I won’t even sound anything like a girl, so it’s a hard choice and something I’m anxious about.

Thanks for reading