The Aversion Yoyo
This week I came out to my boss about being Bi-Gender and it went really
well and I get the feeling that my boss was interest in our brief time talking
about it as I was getting ready to leave and she was in a que on hold to
someone, just as I was about to show a picture of me presenting as female
someone answered so I didn't get my chance to show but I know I would of got my
chance the following time we would both be in work... yes I pick my times don't
I...
Anyway everything was good and when I got to where I sign out she saw me
and in front of everyone as they knew she asked about the pictures and I was
happy to show as everyone had seen them anyway so it was nothing big coming out
is like a normal conversation to me now. Like everyone she was shocked at my
skills on makeup and how different I look as female. Everything was like how
every person reacts to when I come out and show pictures. I do feel free as I
don't have to hide anything so I can talk about dresses with work colleagues,
makeup, fashion etc. When I'm on my breaks I can talk about it as I like without hush hush when my boss walks in ha ha.
With this you would think I would be happy which I am, but I've now hit
a major issue. These last few days I've been feeling down, my gender dysphoria
is kicking off big time where the other day I was fighting back tears the whole
shift and when I got home just broke down as I was feeling so uncomfortable in
my own body. I felt ashamed, I felt repulsive as I was the wrong gender to how
I felt nut on top of that and I feel so pressured to go to the meal with work.
People are asking me they want to go but are they really asking me? or asking
me to go as female? Which I have no control over that. Now I've been given the
clear to go how I feel as we will be representing the company I work for. I
know 100% that they're great people and I feel intrigued by the whole thing
which I'm glad as I can spread the awareness about "Trans/Bi-Gender/Gender
Fluid" without ramming it down their throats like a protest. So I feel
pressured mainly for myself more than anything. I've been trying so hard for
around a year to get the image how I see myself and that I've been told by my
friends that the image is good as it is. I'm getting loads of messages of guys
who don't even know that I'm biologically male, the dating test where I was
biologically female showed it and much more but I'm always thinking there
something else and that I won't pass when I'm out. Blackpool is Blackpool, you
can get away with virtually anything, not trying to say it's a bad place it's
not as to build confidence it's brilliant, but going for a meal with people I
don't really know is another thing saying I've only been out with loads of
others once really, and I was drunk before I even went out ha ha.
I feel that not only this is the only chance to socialize with people
outside of work but the best chance to be who I am and that is where the
pressure lies the most to be who I want, but only ever had 3 meals presenting
as female and only one of them has been where I've been with someone and that
was a MacDonald's sat in a car where we went through a drive thru with one of
my closest friends that has seen me the most out of any body as female. Once
I'm out I'm fine it's just thinking about it and my hair is another thing as we
know I have to wear a wig (I really hate using that word) and my wig need a bit
of care to it as the ends are a mess, so will that come into play. I don't want
to dress the best I can spending probably all day doing my makeup to make sure
its the best it's ever been for my hair to be the issue.
PRESSURE
Saying that was long that isn't the main issue of this post and is
completely unrelated... well mainly unrelated.
In the Post topic the word "Aversion" is used which means;
That is related to my male side, the yoyo represents the good and bad,
the highs and lows. As male I'm starting to dislike my female side as a person
which is wrong. As female I'm the same person but a different skin pretty much
but I ask myself as male why do I feel inadequate at things?
So I feel am more confident as female once I'm out of course. I can take
loads of photos, I can walk with my head in the air more with pride. I feel
more as a person. I started to blog as female and I've done more as female with
this blog in just over a year compared to the 4/5 years of going my gaming blog
which has come to a halt and I've not written on it since August 2014.
Everything I do as female just betters me as male, from looks to what looks
like dating and I'm guessing relationships. As in my last post (if I was
biologically female and looking for a date) I could have sorted a date out
within less than 24 hours of being on a dating website and without even writing
anything, and putting 3 pictures up and a location of where I lived. It's
getting to me now I was this lonely nobody where not many people would talk to
me and it would be hard to make friends. Now since the whole Bi-Gender thing
I've got attention but it's not even for me as male or it’s to find out more
about us both. The body that I've been one of for over 24 years. Not many
people wanted Nick. People are interested more in Sarah. Which I suppose in one
way it isn’t bad.
Left: male side. Right: female side
(The left is over 12 months older)
It's not that I'm jealous as male, it's more of “what does Sarah have
that people want to talk to on social sites?” She's just a girl, that likes
fashion, makeup etc I don't see what people find so fascinating about her. The
support people has given has been way more than I've ever thought I would get but
I knew though one side would become better than the other. I never thought I
would get messages off people from various other site where guys don't read my
profile properly and just send me a message of how they like how I look, or
where random people will message me and I will get into full conversation about
normal things. No one has ever done that to me as male on any of my male
profiles on social media sites I’m on. Instagram no one really followed me as
male soon as I star posting picture of me as female, Bloggers, brands etc start
to follow me and it’s mainly women that follow me. It’s mental how these last
few weeks mainly where I’ve lost this weight it really has bumped up
everything. I don’t do much on Instagram but I have more followers than I’m
following which for me is depressing as again no one wanted to know Nick it all
makes me think as male I’m on the naughty seat in the corner all the time and
not knowing why.
About the Author
0 Post a Comment