Who am I?
These last few weeks have been awful when it comes to who I am, by that I mean suffering from Gender Dysphoria. I've wrote a post previously about Gender Dysphoria but it mostly contained facts and information, I also spoke about experiencing it, but after these last few weeks that was nothing compared to what I went through recently, that was just a warning sign to say this shits is going to get worse.
Anyone that is transgender, Bi-Gender etc will defiantly tell you it aint something that is good in anyway. People experience Gender Dysphoria in different ways but most will be feeling uncomfortable in how they're pertaining their gender at the time, the clothes they're wearing. This feeling is extremely unpleasant, seeing posts on forums and with myself you just want to cry so much. Which is what I've been feeling for around 2 weeks. (This week 16th-22nd) I've never felt so extremely uncomfortable in... Well me. I didn't feel like me I didn't want to be me (presenting as male and having the whole male experience) it was a nightmare and it lasted for around 2 weeks and a day. The feeling that you don't belong in the body your in having male organs wearing clothes feeling naked with the skin, doing masculine things really affected in how I was thinking and whilst at work it made it extremely difficult. I couldn't think straight, I made so many mistakes luckily only little things that wouldn't affect anything.
No matter how hard I tried to concentrate it just became an argument which makes you feel extraneous to the gender that is just incompatible to what sex you are. On one of the days it got that bad I had to take my dinner hour away from my work premises where no one was around and just cried I just needed to let it all out. I just came to that point where I couldn't hold in how I felt, how uncomfortable I felt in being me. I work in a place where you can't go anywhere that other people don't go. Sure people would come up to me and try and console me try to understand but they won't feel what you're going through and sometimes being away from other people is the best way to let it out, and sometimes come back feel better... Yeah it didn't work it just kicked off again. It was frustrating for me as I would be trying to do my work and it would look like I had Tourette syndrome or something as I kept flicking my head doing little short movements, making short quiet noises which was me trying to hold in the tears from being so uncomfortable, It really is the worst feeling I've ever had. Crying is something that I don't do. Apart from being angry occasionally happy no other emotion really exists.
For this look
This is the first time I've use the contour kit, Don't think it made any difference to light and dark but I feel that it looks better than using just foundation, powered blush and powered bronzer, took about two hours to do, using a tiny amount of foundation, small amount of powered bronzer and blush. lining my lips with black eye liner blending it in with 3 colour lipsticks (pink, purple and red) topping it off with gold shine lip gloss.
Eye liner for eyes and mascara.
This Monday (23rd that has passed) has been the only time this week where I've felt any dysphoria and the rest of the week has been as normal as my weeks go. Even though Monday was my only day that I felt the dysphoria it doesn't mean that I stopped thinking about it. I'm thinking even as I write this post "Do I need to see my GP"? I don't think my GP will be able to help but refer me to a gender specialist that will provide the information and help in any other way, BUT yes but in caps, my Gender Dysphoria has subsided which I remembering that other Bi-Gender people have/had experienced dysphoria that lasted for weeks and stopping. Like mine has. I have booked a week off work soon so I've decided that I will make a decision for then if the dysphoria comes back, as I have the time to go to my GP and see from there without work hours interfering. I suppose another reason why I'm putting it off is if I do see someone it will be the case where the gender specialist might turn round and say you're transgender and in total denial about it? I don't really know. I suppose I need to ask myself that but as of now my answer is no and I don't feel that i'm in the wrong body all of the time. I'm presenting as female more, but it that not down to me being more comfortable in who I am? Or could it be that I'm just slowly coming to terms that I was always meant to be female?
Over the past few months I've spent more money on my female side than my male side, clothes make-up, footwear. I've now started to make wishlist which is something I've never done as male. It's coming up to my first year since find out about being Bi-Gender and one year really isn't enough for me to say "I'm a women in a mans body." maybe next year or the year after that, who knows the big question that will has been in my mind pretty much since day one has been Who am I?
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