Two genders Two Tails

Hey all!

This post I suppose is a sad one... Or maybe not. This week has been a hard week mentally as I've had so much to think about and one of these was about my female side. It hasn't triggered where I felt feminine, where I felt normal wearing the clothes, the makeup etc. That was in July. I've presented as female twice since then but it was forced and both times, I struggled to do my makeup and wasn't happy in who I was.

When my gender changed and I was all done up ready "put on my face on" as some females say haha, I felt genuine, I didn't feel any part of me was male, and me as Nick wasn't there. It was all about Sarah and was who I was, but the two times I forced it this month I felt Nick in a drag, and it felt wrong and I felt sick. As Sarah I could happily take loads of pictures and put them in my journey folder on my pc, I found myself back at the start. It wasn't a good feeling, It was like in films where someone with powers just lose them, I couldn't do makeup, I lost my confidence and felt I lost my confidence in front of a camera (not in a vein way) I just felt proud of who I was and those powers that I had and worked so hard at just went.

Clothes and makeup

Within the short time I watched where I keep my clothes (it has 8 compartments) go from 8 to 4 and on my door I watched my coats go from 1 jacket and 1 coat to 3 jackets and 5 coats (As male I still had only the one jacket and the one coat) As male I felt discomfort and felt extremely guilty buying male clothes, it was if I had to ask for permission to buy myself male clothes with my own money and from my own bank account, but the female side was like "dresses! dresses! dresses!" and "SSSHHHOEESSS/BBBBOOOOTTTTSSSS!" etc. I'm now free of that, it felt I was having an adventure looking for female clothes and makeup and was so much fun.

I'm not a person that regrets things whether I'm male or female, but I do regret not pushing myself to go shopping as female. I watch my friends (who are female) take pride in the items that they're looking at, one of them has to feel the products she touches, which as female I can understand loads but as male I feel sorry for the clothes as I feel that they're getting a humans equivalent to a strip search to see if they pass selection and get picked.



With makeup I never got the chance to test them at shops, put foundation on my hand and see how it blends in... Well that's not totally true as I came out to the people at the body shop when I went for cream to help my skin for after shaving. They was happy for me and honoured as I went to them first and we tested out a powdered foundation on my hand and tested this special lipstick on my hand as well which turned to a pink or a purple depended on you skin type, but I never got the chance to do it at major stores like Debenhams, Super Drug just to name a couple.

Facebook Hiatus

With everything not going well for me in every way I've not been, well having a stressful time as male and my female side nowhere to be seen, I've decided to deactivate my female Facebook account for the foreseeable future. I don't see the point in having an active profile where I won't be using it and where I could use it to hide my male statuses from people I didn't want to see. When my female side becomes more active I will reopen account.

I will keep doing this blog though and if my gender triggers and switches I will blog about it on here.

I would like to say for people to keep being who you are.
Be hated for who you are and not loved for someone your not.
Your all beautiful never let anyone in this world tell you your ugly.

Thank You