Hey guys!

I hope you liked my first part of winter footwear? There was so many OTK boots to choose from but I could only write about so much before it became wayyy to much.  Anyway now we’re back on to the main posts, which is back to “August 2015-2016.”

I left the last post where I finally met one of my best friends Vicky which was a long wait for her to see me as female. 25.1.16 was great because not I managed to be myself around another friend but it was also my first trip during the day into my home town which it didn’t end there I also caught the bus back home on my own. In Wigan we had coffee we went shopping, and we pretty much didn’t have any trouble. Think it was my lucky day… Plus it was on a Tuesday so I’m sure people had run out of their dole money and had to sign on… Just kidding. It was pretty busy which I think was a good thing.

 Trafford Centre

Sunday 7^th February was the first time I had presented as female since I went out with Vicky, this time I was with Ainsley and we went to the Trafford Centre to watch a movie, this was another biggy for me as the Trafford Centre is an extremely big shopping centre where I spend way too much money on makeup, clothes and other items when I’m there. Luckily I had Ainsley who doesn’t like shopping so it stopped me from dragging him around and potentially missing the film time. The film we went watching was Zoolander 2, and a big piece of advice if you haven’t watched it… Leave it that way. It was awful and I mean awful. I went to watch the film because it was mainly to get out of the house as female and take on a new challenge. I went to the toilet many times during the film and for some reason when I present female I tend to use the loo more often than normal.

  Food Court Trafford Centre

From this point I was highly thinking to myself “This is who I am.” I was walking through the Trafford Centre without a care in the world… Even bought eyeliner. I couldn’t have given a damn about what people was thinking. When I was going to the toilets I didn’t care I just went in the females as it felt natural to me.

 

Even though I was starting to get more and more confident I ended up becoming ill again which for some reason I was vomiting, which at first I felt nothing of till the second time I was sick and the third time I was vomiting pure blood. Was this through doing too much since September? Who knows all I know that I wasn’t in a good place. I had to ring for an ambulance and took a massive bad turn while on the phone and from having to wait an hour I waited 10 mins till they came, where they took me to A&E where I had some tests done, luckily it was quiet so I didn’t wait too long, I tore my feeding tube in 3 places and tore some other tubing I’ve forgot everything, but after a drip I went home had a few hours’ sleep and went back to work till 6pm

On the 18.2.16 it was a late finish for me at work but weekdays became gaming nights with people I work/worked with, and soon became a tradition for us to be on for 9/10pm, this was great as I soon started to feel great getting back into gaming again like I used to with people, but there was one thing that was always doing my head in that was I wasn’t presenting female enough and it started to upset me as I was giving me enough time to be me. I was giving it to games so I had to think of how to do both… then it hit me, why don’t I do both? So I did. They both knew about me anyway and didn’t care so why should I? From then if I ever felt any gender dysphoria (unless I was working in the morning) I presented female when I was gaming.Wearing the hat for gaming is also tradition for me when presenting female, not sure why but it feels right.

  

 At the bus stop, I look ill 

During February Vicky got me on a free make over voucher for Benefit cosmetics. I had to think about this for a few days because it meant pretty much going to Wigan bare faced. Which for someone that at this point was in limbo but thinking that I was Bi-Gender wasn’t helping, because I would easily have been clocked by people as they would be able to see my stubble even though I would have shaved and it wouldn’t have felt right. So when the day came (22.2.16) I just wore foundation for makeup. I would have to take it off so we went to the arcade in the women’s toilets where I would wipe the foundation off, after that I rapidly walked to the benefit counter. When I mean rapidly I mean it. I would have put Mo Farah to shame and I was wearing 3 inch heels that day.

After the makeover

It was then on the 25.2.16 where my mind was made up that I was female, I went shopping in Manchester with Vicky and I felt so in my zone, it was like it was meant to be that I was female. We went in the toilets took loads of selfies, and it felt right… Not the selfies in the toilet just the whole experience. I didn’t care at all, it was a girl’s day out shopping, makeup and coffee next time it will probably be booze. The funny thing was I didn’t actually buy that much, I couldn’t find anything that I really wanted, but the day was great and I can’t wait to do it again. Unfortunately, I’ve not presented as female where I’ve out with Vicky since then. Mainly it’s been due to time or issues within the house. The main issue is I won’t present as female if my Dad has seen me as male before. I know it wouldn’t bother him but it just doesn’t feel right for me yet and I’ve struggle loads with this.

 On the train to Manchester and my first coffee with my name on it. 

  

It was in February that I choose a new path to walk and that was to transition. I booked an appointment at my doctor’s surgery, where I was told that I would hear from them. With a new path also comes a new community after admitting that I was going to transition I was invited to loads of groups on Facebook which I soon meet loads of people and my friends list started to grow as well as my Instagram and this blog for views.

The thing was I was extremely naïve and thought the community is perfect but I was soon wrong. I soon found out that the trans community can be a hostile and unfriendly place. I was having a number of people messaging me telling me I should be wearing. I should have been wearing this or I should have been wearing that. One person told me I should have been wearing fishnets tights! I know right fishnets!

I was being told how to do makeup which I didn’t listen to anybody. The worse was the bitching yes, in multiple groups there was loads. I thought when I first joined you would get the help and learn from everyone as you were pretty much in it together… yeah right. I soon found out that the trans community is nothing really special which to be honest I like, yes I like it. Not because of the bitching and the inside war at the time that was going on but because to me it showed that these are normal people and a normal community, I don’t think there is a community in the world where they all get along. My biggest issue is the same with any other person really and that is I don’t like people being condescending or people who are up their own arses. I don’t like where some say you’re a crossdresser unless you’re on hormones. What a loads of shit that is! For people that are trying to get equality some don’t give it to others within their own community. I don’t understand that even now how people can say that? For me it was heart breaking as I came into the community as a newbie trying to learn and you have people like that.

I did get support and met some great people I still speak to today, but I can’t get over the fact that some pages/groups rather than working together they created segregation. Now It has changed and the segregation seems to have left the groups that I’m in but I know it will be still there in others. In February it wasn’t great but all I can say was that things did improve as you will find out in upcoming posts.   

Thanks for reading

Sarah

August 2015-2016 Journey

Hi All!

We are back for Part two which goes from August 2015… well to August. On the last post I left it at my works outing where it was the first time I presented as female in front of work colleagues that I currently work with and that it went so well.

Now is a great chance to go grab a coffee or preferable an alcoholic beverage, a bag of Maltesers and sit back and I hope you enjoy as we continue from my works outing.

  

I’m not a person to look in the mirror and think that I look stunning but these pictures I look at and I think “Wow.” These pictures made me start to question myself, throughout my time with my colleagues at the staff night out I was like “This is so me.” I’ve never felt so in tune with my body and so relaxed which I didn’t want it to end.  

It was the next day where I was presenting as male the dysphoria of how I was presenting hit me. I hated every minute of being who I was brought in the world as, I hated wearing male clothes. I hated everything about myself that I wasn’t female, and it hurt so much I had to run to the toilet and I cried. Crying is something I’m not used to doing or feeling and I haven’t cried in many years.

It was then on the 31^st of December when I next presented as female that was to bring the new year in but this time as female. As per usual I was alone for this new year, it did suck many people was with friends and family, where I thought fuck it and did some pictures in my flat.

After a boring time entering the new year it was on the 3^rd January where I’ve had my first scare going out as female. During the day I went shopping and bought loads of clothes and when I got back I couldn’t get hold of anyone as I wanted to go out, unfortunately it set my dysphoria off in a very bad way and aggressive way. I needed to get out so I decided to go for a walk and that was down a pitch black canal. After walking about a mile I had no issue apart from when I came off the cannel and in a dark street. Where about twenty maybe thirty yards away a guy was running full pelt past me not sure how he spotted me, but he slowed down and crossed the street and was walking towards me. That was all I needed as I thought I would have to talk and at this stage which I’ve not practised any voice training at all. Turned out he was a weirdo that was just looking at me as I walked past him as if he wasn’t there, I proceeded onto the main road probably about 10 yards when I looked back and he hadn’t moved and still looking at me. I picked up the pace and looked back a few mins later when he was following me, he saw me look and put his hand up to wave which I ignored him and carried on. The road got busy and I didn’t see him after that. What a close call.

It was here where I started to talk to Alison as she was also in this situation and we’ve spoken ever since. She is also a trans person that is going through her transition also. Alison is defiantly on my respect list. She has helped me through chatting on Facebook and answered so many questions so a thank you to you hun.

These pictures are import mainly for blogging as it was when I first got my DSLR Camera which is a Nikon D3300. I love this camera and it has made the quality better… Can’t say for the pose here though. I do feel at this time I was tired mentally and physically as I would have been at my job for 4 months and working through Christmas and being ill, unfortunately it’s hard to keep how you feel about yourself at bay.

                   Left: On my way to work.   Right: Just as I was about to clock in.

10^th January this has to be a massive step for me as I went into work as female for the first, it was an extra shift and out of hours so we weren’t open to customers so they wouldn’t see me. The shift went extremely well and I enjoyed it, unfortunately it was hard as I had to lift heavy objects I had help but still heavy work and with the wig being thick I was soon burning up and sweating so I had to remove beanie so I could cool down. The night didn’t end there after finishing the shift I went home got changed retouched my makeup and went out for a random drive with one of my friends. During the journey I needed to stop off at a motorway service at Sandbach in Cheshire for the loo, where I went into the female toilet did my business and fixed my makeup. A women looked at me funny where I didn’t care and did my makeup anyway. I think it was down to me having a full bag of makeup on the side that got her, I don’t think she clocked me as being male though.

 Left: Services

 Right: when I got home from work 

             

It wasn’t long after this on 25^th I decided to meet one of my best friends Vicky. It was something that should have happened over a year before when I went out to a pub around the corner from. Vicky has always been supportive of me from the very start and even gave me loads of makeup to get started which I still used some for almost a year after. That day was the first time I caught the bus by myself on the way home but also was out by myself which I didn’t feel brilliant at the time.

Left: In the town centre alone and scared…ish

Middle: On the bus home

Right: with my bestie while she’s trying to cover a spot… Sorry Vicky

I decided to wear light makeup which for me was;

… Foundation

…Blusher

…Eyeliner

…eye shadow

…mascara (because no women should be without)

…touched up my browns (just not very good)

I wore my long leather jacket from New Look, over the knee boots from River Island, tights to dress down the boots and I think it was a black dress or a red dress from New Look. Even then I still felt over dressed and uncomfortable. This was also the first time I wore my new wig.

January was a busy month so I’ve decided to leave it there as right now if you have come this far you have read over 1000 words which include numbers. January was not just about what I did, but also social networking. Just after I went out for the works night out I started talking to plus a few others. My popularity in group soon started to rise and I was chatting to more and more people, mainly in January, I was being invited to more Trans* groups but I quickly learned that the Trans* community wasn’t all that friendly and in stayed in clicks. It opened my eyes and soon learned the type of people I didn’t want to associate with.

I really didn’t think that one month would take up a whole post but this is something I can’t plan and will back track on the next one about the people that I spoke with, my decision to transition and joining the Trans* Community plus much more to come. 

Thanks for reading

Sarah

xx

I managed to get a bit of energy from when I wrote on here about resting and I’ve decided to write about the last twelve months which will include Sparkle, New place of employment (no brand name) and other bits of news which will be split into parts as it will be too long to read.

These last twelve months has defiantly been a test not just physically but mentally in many ways. I’ve been ill which for everyone that has read this blog before or worked with me knows that I’ve spoken about more times than Dave Whelan mentioning about breaking his leg an FA Cup Final when Wigan Athletic reached and won it in 2013.

Left: Sick Note. Right: End Of Contract.

In August 2015 I handed a Doctor’s Note and in within two hours the place where I worked ended my contract making me unemployed for the first time since I left school in August 2006. With the room spinning I knew that I had to do something for money, within two days I went to the Job Centre to sign on JSA (Job Seekers Allowance) but they turned me down because I was unwell, which I was told to go on the sick. This meant for around a month I had to keep going to the doctors for a sick note and sending it off, I still remained hopeful though because this gave me time to look for a job that I want without having to spend thirty plus hours a week looking for work and applying for jobs that I didn’t want to do, and I wanted to stay in the computing/electrical industry.

In the car, first time im out in daylight as female 

12th July

At this time, I was confused with my gender as in July when I still was thinking I was Bi-Gender I wasn’t presenting as female. I remember I last went out with my Dad and it was in daylight for the first time, and since then I just felt normal and when I did research it happened to other people that was also Bi-Gender, where they wouldn’t present as the opposite gender they were born as. Just before my Birthday one of the two jobs I applied for gave me an interview, that was hard I had to do a presentation to impress which I did an animation and got another interview where I had to work for a few hours. Not sure how I passed them both with me looking white as a sheet and not walking great.

Having vertigo was the scariest thing I’ve ever had and since leaving school in 2006 this was the first time I’ve ever been as ill as that. I’m not a person that scared of anything, but having four full grown adults lifting you out of bed, when your laying helplessly shaking and thinking the world was going to end really was something that I’ve never felt before. Being off I really hated as I like to be actice and doing things which pretty much I was unable to do. I hope I never have to sign on because that wold hurt. I love working, I love testing myself physically and mentally which is why I hated being off. It wasn’t like I could go into my garden and chop the weeds down, and yes chop.

From my first shift in September 16th till around mid-November it was hard. Every day was a challenge again physically and mentally where I was in bed before 10:30pm -11pm because I was drained, I had to think about every step I took  but since 7^th August 2015 I didn’t do one thing and that was rest. By October I thought my female side had gone for good. I packed all my female clothes away took my female Facebook profile down…

  I'm back 4th November

I was wrong at the start of November when I was starting to feel me… Ish. Then my feelings came back and of the 4^th November I presented female for the first time since 12^th July. I soon came out to work colleagues and the reactions I got was positive and the talk was all on the Christmas night out in who I would be coming as. Nick or Sarah? I was unsure at first as it would be a first in many ways for me if I went as female, but leading up to it I started to join Facebook groups for trans people and started to talk to people and following their journeys that became inspiring to me. 

It was till I saw a picture of other Trans* people out and about in bars on the day, it got methinking about how I felt before the works Christmas night out. The fight in my attitude came back where it was “If they can do it why can’t I?” So I started to get ready and I went out as female. The night went so much better than I ever could imagined and I would like to thank my work colleagues and my boss for being great and understanding and very supportive. It was when I got home I started to realise that I was more than just Bi-Gender.

 It was these two Pictures that started to make me question my gender

Twelve months ago I was jobless and fucked. It was like the world put a road block in my way, I was losing weight fast, I was losing hope fast, my gender was pretty much nowhere and I felt my identity was striped. Even though the world was spinning, a road block in my way and being sick every day I still got up. There are a few things I have a passion for and that is not giving up, it’s helping people but most of all giving the middle finger to those how say I can’t do something and to those who screw me over. I never stopped believing and carried on till I managed to get a job within a month as the world spun by. It’s something I’m proud of that I didn’t give up.

I could of happily stayed at home and waited till I recovered, but I couldn’t change anything just sitting on my couch in Wigan. (slightly ripped that part from CM Punk but it’s true)

“Barriers are only there to stop you, it’s up to you how to get over them” (That’s Mine)

I’m going to leave it there for this part. 

Over the next coming parts these are some of the people that have inspired me, helped me and I will be mentioning these people and more people in upcoming posts. 

Alison

Michelle

 Victoria

 

Chloé

(Chloé also has a Youtube Channel)

 Jamie and Harry 

(They're both transgender, girlfriend and boyfriend, and have a Youtube Channel: ThatTransCouple)

These are a just people few people that I've met or spoke to etc I would like thank these awesome people for letting me use their pictures, letting me write about them, also for your help, support, guidance and being a huge inspiration to me and others. A big thank you to my work colleagues, friends, family and the LGBT community for being supportive.

Till next time see you later. 

Thanks for reading

xx

Hey all!

I would firstly like to appoligies for my recent inactivity on here, this is mainly to me being exhausted. I've not forgot about my post about Sparkle which I have written but I've not read through it to check to see if I'm happy with it.

After Sparkle I was depressed a little and now I'm extrememly exhausted. I'm exhauted phsically and mentally and these last twelve months have been the hardest times I've ever faced and now taking it's toll. From being given the boot from my last job for handing in a sick note, to finding a new job within 6 weeks then to working five months stright while I was ill to only have 3 weeks off since I started in september last year. In that time I've been taken into hospital via ambulance also.

Even though I've not been able to write any post I've been planning and will start to post them when I'm better, I would like to say I'm not as depressed as I was, it is mainly tiredness and will have time off soon, which I can't wait for and will be having 3 weeks off within 2 months so I will be getting the chance to regain my strength. I will never write on my blog unless I'm totally with it, every post I write comes from my heart, and that is how it is. I can't say when my next post could be, it could be next week, it could be a month when I've had time off. I have not forgot about Sarah Meets also, I'm just thinking of the best ways to do them.

I've decided that it's not the best time for me to start my physical transition to female off also, as much as I'm ready mentally my body isn't and I need to heal and rest before it starts to undego stress and pysical change. I don't intend to spend to long out just enough, I would like to thank everyone for reading my posts, following me and can't wait to start posting again. See you soon

Thank you

Sarah

xx

Hey all,

I've been given the thumbs up and will be available to attend this year’s Sparkle in Manchester. For those that haven't heard of sparkle whether you’re in the Trans* community or not (seriously many Trans* people haven't heard of it) I see it as like a Pride event but for transgender people (like pride many people go that aren’t Trans or in the LGBT) Someone might have to correct me on this but overall it’s a celebration of the Trans* community coming together etc. I will be looking forward to meeting many people and gaining new friends.

Sparkle this year was a last minute decision for me and part of it was due to me not booking it off in advance due to not knowing people well enough but also thinking someone in my department was already off which that wasn’t the case. I will be staying over in Manchester on the Saturday night, which is going to be cool.

Not only will this be my first Sparkle it will be where I will break the barrier by;

·        Getting ready with others from male to female

·        Having a night out as female

·        Probably getting drunk as female (even though I said I won’t be)

·        Meeting loads of people like myself but further on in their journey

·        Listening to what people have been through

·        Meeting inspiring and interesting people

·        Hitting Canal Street for the first time

For this weekend I’m excited loads but I’m also nervous, the issue is one that goes back many years ago, I used to be one where if the LBGT (or gay guys) left me alone I would leave them alone, I was this childish asshole that would joke about anything and yes they would be extremely offensive. When I realised that I was (at first) Bi-Gender I knew I had to change, fast forward two years three months and;

·        My attitude is better

·        I’m in a better place mentally… Ish.

·        My tolerance for others is better

·        Supportive of others

·        Feel better… when I present as my trueself

·        Better confidence till I try wearing clothes Yes I think I look fat.   

These are to name a few of these qualities that I have gained. But overall I still have this nervous thing I don’t know what to expect in Canal street? I don’t know how to act? Will I fit in? Most of my life I’ve been this heavy metal chav which had a sheltered life. For a good few years it was work, food, games, shit, sleep and repeat. No room for a relationships and no room for gay people (not meaning that in a hatred way) That was the person I was very secluded from people… Yes, I was complete w*nker and still are in some ways.

Sparkle is something I hope will be life changing for me as I want to banish these last of my impure thoughts and meet some people that will inspire me to keep going, I hope that I can be inspired so I can make a difference. For me I think Sparkle is the last big piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved. For that I will leave for a later post.

This week is going to be extremely massive not just for my first sparkle but also This blog. I’m aiming by Friday that my first ‘Sarah Meets’ will be posted on here which will have Jessica Pow as my first guest. So I can’t wait and great timing before sparkle. Monday 4^th July I will be getting my back waxed for the first time so yeah I’m bricking it already as less than 11 hours from now I will possibly be put through some pain and yelling Oklahoma (saw it in Jackass) which won’t do anything, while I have the hairs removed from my back… Pain is beauty… Apparently.

"I could always be male but I wouldn't be living my life, I would be living someone else's."

Left: me as male:Saturday 2nd July.

Right: me as I should be 6th July 

Thanks for reading

Hey all!

As I've been so busy working my ass off this week on this blog I've hit a big issue, when trying to add photos to my circles, I thought that I imported them from here. Turns out that wasn't the case so as I started to delete pictures it was deleting them from here, so now I have loads of post from god know when I started doing this to fix.

I'm feeling down so much right now, but not all is lost as all the pictures have been backed up on my hard drive but it will take me ages to replace all the pictures :(

This post I’m keeping short and sweet.

This week has been one of the darkest days in the history of the LGBT, as we all know on 12.6.16 a crazed mad man called Omar Mateen (I would love to use more colourful words, but It’s not worth it) went into a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida with an assault rifle and started shooting up the place killing (some say) 50 (Some Say) 49 anyways it’s a lot of people to die and injuring around 53 others. People in the LGBT community seek refuge in these places as they feel safe and able to mingle with people that are the same, It’s a place of sanctuary where people in the LGBT could gather and party. This was not to be.

Since Japan’s earthquake and tsunami, this is one of the other tragic event that has affected me the way it has, I pray for the victims and thoughts are with you and your families at the dark time. People taken so soon and was unable to defend themselves, people’s lives taken for being themselves. I only hope if there is a god they get taken to a good place.

As for Omar, a person filled with so much hate to think it was okay to go into a nightclub and kill innocent people, if there is a place where evil people go I sure hope you’re in it and suffer the worse punishment forever. I hate people that think it is okay to go around and hurt people because it’s not what they want. Who is anyone to say what another person should do? Who is anyone to say how people should live their life?

Whether people find the LGBT disgusting or not we’re all people, we all have the same basic vital organs, such as the Heart, Lungs, Brain etc. Without these we would be on a machine for life or dead.

“It takes one act of evil to bring millions together”

Omar may have injured people and taken people’s lives, but he’s also brought people together and made the LGBT stronger.

“One man’s evil will never repress the strength of a cemented community.”

R.I.P to all those who died for being themselves in Orlando, Florida

Sleep tight

Lots of love

Sarah