Hey all!

Hope everyone is doing okay?

First of all I'm happy to announce that I've now started to write for Miss Transgender UK, I'm still awaiting to write my first proper post on there. I will talk more about it soon at the moment I've been extremely busy and tired to write even on here. I was going to make this my first post on Miss Transgender UK, but after thinking about it I thought it wouldn't be appropriate as I don't want to draw comments that will could be abusive/negative comments to the site which at the moment has got some controversy surrounding The Transgender UK documentary which was on BBC iplayer.  

This topic on here is about the recent news of Caitlyn Jenner who has recently joined forces with MAC Cosmetics. For those who has read my other blog posts where I regularly post about my opinions on her as I'm asked by friends how I feel. First of all I always aim to be fair with my opinions and will try and think about pros and con when ever I write about things that are going on in the world of the Trans* Community.

Anyway just to bring everyone that hasn't seen my blog before how I feel about Caitlyn briefly.

When I heard about the Dianne Sawyer interview I was like okay someone that I've never heard that is huge when it comes to the public eye is coming out as Trans*. At that time I was identifying as Bi-Gender, so it didn't bother me loads and didn't really affect me. I felt great for Bruce (at that time as that was who he wanted to be refereed to the use of male pronouns) but I didn't know he was part of the Kardashian's clan, which I'm not really judging but they're not as thick as people make out, but some of my Trans* friends and some people in LGBT groups was so happy that they was getting this person who is famous, some was like she is our role modal our future. In some ways I thought "Yes a famous person why not?" But I was never convince that she would be this savoir that so many people started to claim that Caitlyn would be.

Vanity Fair Cover

Dianne Sawyer interview

Within two month we get a surprise when Vanity Fair came out with their front cover "Call Me Caitlyn." In my mind it didn't add up, why couldn't she say this in the Dianne Sawyer's interview? Within 24 hours after that loads of my friends was messaging me on Facebook and also when I was at work people was asking my how I felt/ Does she inspire me? The answer was No.

I know there could be other reasons but with that short amount of time I was thinking was this a money maker/publicity stunt? Then it was soon announced that she would be doing a reality TV series called "I Am Cait."  I could see the good part of it, it shows the world about her transition and everything that goes with it but as the season has rolled on has it really? A few of my cis gender friends gave up watching it said it was becoming a joke and not representing Trans* women at all but glorifying the life that Caitlyn lives such as the money and the fame she has. I can't really say as I gave up watching it after 10 minutes as the only reality thing I've ever watch was Bad Lads Army when it was in ITV.  So I can't comment on how the show was but I think everything was done at a timing. After everything was announced at that stage I said that isn't the end and within 12 month people will change their minds on how they feel about Caitlyn. I was right. First it was religious views and then it was political views. Apparently Caitlyn is against gay marriage and is Republican I think? Personally I couldn't care less about the politics side on who Caitlyn sides with. Regards to the gay marriage part it confuses me. As far as we know she likes women, and if she was to go out with another women that would make her a lesbian. does that mean she won't marry because she's against it? It will be intriguing to see if she stands by what she says.

Other issues with Caitlyn isn't this time with me but the Tran's community when she was interviewed at some award show I really can't be bothered going all into it as that part isn't important but she complete messed everything up, where bloggers and the media etc loved it where things was twisted and it the message that Caitlyn wanted ended upsetting Trans* people around the world and it's a community where she wants to be an advocate for. I could see where she is coming from but as a someone as high as her in the celebrity world there are things you should say and somethings you need to think about saying before you say it... Then not blame it on I'm learning. (That part is my opinion)

Finally Free (Name of the Lipstick)

Now onto where I said where she would end up with her own line of product/s, which is lipstick called "Finally Free" and will retail in the states for around $17, from what I've read one hundred percent of it will go to MAC AIDS Fund Transgender Initiative or something like that. I do see the huge positive from this but again I still have a voice in the back of mind saying is this publicity stunt for her and MAC? Is this a stunt for Caitlyn because of her comments in the recent months? Why would MAC give one hundred percent to charity and make a loss on the product? I know this product is limited edition so it won't be around for ever but my biggest question is. Why would MAC not want to make money on this product? (That was a rhetorical question) It' a great gesture but why not pick other Trans* people? Caitlyn is not the only Trans* person that is out there who is "trying" to make a difference... Again we all know why Caitlyn was picked.

Think this was the outfit she wore when she made the "man in a dress comment"

I've always said in my opinion that she's in the public eye to make money from it, for me it's the way everything has come about. Has she put transgender people on the map? I would think so but I feel that she has commercialized being transgender. She has teamed up with MAC Cosmetics which is great as in it shows that companies want to work with Trans* people, but do we need to be represented like this? How it seemed to be exclusive for this  exclusive for that. Why not just say from the start?

For me what I'm finding hard to grasp and my point of this post is. Is Caitlyn Jenner really after helping Transgender Community or just the face where she will make money for herself? For me the people that inspire me are Laverne Cox, Gigi Gorgeous (to an extent) and Brae Carnes. There are many more Trans* people out there that fight for us and are voices/advocates and activists but for me these three are the ones that I look to. I don't really have a problem with Caitlyn, but just somethings don't add up to and I generally respect her but that doesn't mean I have to like her. I don't think she is the all and someone I'm not in a hurry to meet

Gigi

 Laverne

Brae

My absolute idol is CM Punk (Phil Brooks) Click on the Punk's name for my post on Youth And CM Punk.

Punk (Brooks)

Who is your favorite idol and why?

Thanks for reading :)

Hey all!

This is my fiftieth Blog post  

If you would have looked at me six months ago you would have seen me as a broken man, I was jobless, I was ill and finding it extremely hard to stand on my own two feet and struggling being at home hardly doing a thing as I was just constantly dizzy. My female side taking a short hiatus which I think was because I was ill and I never felt feminine at all. For four months I was nothing but a male wreck struggling to take in what happened. Within the four months my female clothing was put in the loft freeing up four spaces where as male I could make my room tidy again. Life was beginning to turn normal again, I manage to find a new job where the people I work with are amazing and even though I still wasn’t well when I started working and probably shouldn’t of I knew I was on the road to recovering and started to think about moving on…

So I thought. November came and where I was feeling better, I was sturdy on my feet and was more active but back came how I started feeling about myself and how uncomfortable I was in how I was. At first I thought it was a one off so I brought down a few clothes and shoes from the loft just in case.

It was, and on November 4^th Sarah was back.  I went on to go to the works do as female in December and presented female a good few times and visited Blackpool again.

Left: September 2014. Right: November 2015

When the 1st January came I knew that I would be doing more things as female and really going all out mainly because I started to go insane staying inside, I knew that I needed to get out. On the 3^rd January I went for my first shop but I was presenting as male but shopping for female clothing. When I got back I got ready and no one answered their phone and it sent me off the rails for some reason where I went out and down a pitch black canal.

Under the canal bridge in Platt Bridge. 

In January I presented as female around 10 times which was mostly on my days off and I knew it was getting worse and I started feeling more gender dysphoria and was starting to find myself struggling to come to terms that this is whoI was and I was finding it hard being male. On the 10^th January I went into work as female which was after public hours to do some work (spoke to my boss about it which she agreed I was able to do come in how I feel) which was the massive step that I took and it was the first time I went out in the day time as female where people could clearly see me.  

Not looking to happy but happy to be who I am at work.

February didn’t slow down 25^th January I ended up meeting my bestie Vicky in Wigan for the first time as female and being in my home town as female… And ordering my first coffee as female also. Meeting Vicky has been 13 months in the making as she couldn’t make it to the Christmas Eve drinks I had with my old maccies crew where I presented as female.

We have known each other for years after working at McDonald’s together and since coming out as Bi-Gender she’s been amazing and I can’t thank her enough. She gave me loads of make up to get me started and has been extremely supportive of me so I can’t thank her enough.

Christmas Eve 2014

Vicky and me in Wigan

February came and still two more things came that was big for me and that was going out as female to the Trafford Centre with another best bud Ainsley. I should mention him more on here as he has been also great. (I’m sure he will agree he’s one of those friends that everyone has that is the lovable assholes) He’s the only person to see me the most as female out of everyone. He’s had to constantly put up with my bitching, wrong directions because I was messing around with my phone where I should be watching the GPS on my phone, I’ve dragging you to shops the odd time and most of all asking you to take loads of picture mainly because I need them to put on here… The pictures aren’t going to change and you need more practice with the camera also he he. Through all this his support has been awesome, I think this year he’s seen me more female than male ha ha. All I can say if your reading this Ains is thank you.

Me and Ains in Blackpool September 2014

Trafford Centre

On the way to the Trafford Centre

During this month (February) I’ve also realised who I am and that is I’m not male and where I feel uncomfortable now nearly every day and how I feel so much better as female, I’ve settled in so comfortably it where now is becoming more natural, to where I have now started to walk down the path of transitioning and now realise that me as male, me as Nick is now on a timer and I can’t say when but the time as male will be up, and living full time as female will happen and a new life that will create new memories every day.  

The Big One

Instagram seems to be mine and Vicky’s favourite platform to communicate with each other, and yes we talk more on there than we do via text message. That was when I got a tag through where it said about a makeup/makeup session at the Benefit Cosmetics counter and at first I didn’t understand it and really didn’t till the last minute where she kept checking for appointment as from the 21^st February I was on my first week off from work since I started back mid-way in September.

Confirmed

On the Friday before my week off my Instagram notification came on and I ended up getting an update from Vicky saying the session was on and it was for Monday 22^nd February. “FUCK” was my first thought. It was more down to crap I could be getting from other people which I’m still nervy about as you never know what people’s reactions are going to be like. I generally don’t care what people think but I mainly can’t be arsed with how people react because I don’t know how I’m going to react back if it gets nasty. I worry more about my friend’s safety as they would be involved and I wouldn’t want them to get hurt or anything, so that was on my mind… But on the other hand I was going to be dealing with makeup which I love and the most important reason seeing my stunning bestie Vicky who would be present and doesn’t give a shit about what people think.

 At the bus stop waiting to go to Wigan

I did bump into one of my friends I've known since we was little kids her name is Kayleigh, she was in her van and  noticed me, she is awesome.

The day quickly came and yes I was nervous to hell as I would be stepping back in to a place I said I would never go to as female again unless I was going to catch a bus to the Trafford Centre or getting on the train to Manchester, but I was also discussing to Vicky about wearing makeup which she advised me not to as we would end up with makeup on afterwards. I could see her point but there was one issue… actually there was more than that really. Number one with me being biologically a guy it meant me have the shadow where my stubble was even after I shaved and could be seen clearly, which will draw attention. I decided to go out with only foundation and before the appointment was I would go to the toilets and wipe it off ready for the makeup session which I did…

And you would have never seen anyone walk with 3” heels faster than me in the Grand Arcade going to Debenhams. I think I would have put Mo Farah to shame. Going out with just foundation was tough but having no makeup on was truly the most and probably the hardstand terrifying thing I’ve ever done as the makeup for me is a huge part of my identity it’s what’s separates my male and female sides. If there was one time I felt like a cross dresser it was then and in probably the worst places to be in which was Wigan… Luckily I think people on the dole spent up so there wasn’t that many people out so I felt slightly better.

Mo Farah: British Distance Runner

We got to the Benefit booth and after a small wait that was where we met Jude. She was the women doing mine and Vicky’s makeup and I have to say Jude was great, she was funny, gentle (when Applying the makeup) and it made it a great experience to have and would recommend any girl or even trans person to have. I was relaxed and soon comfortable having my makeup done by someone. I did have a woman who sat across from me that kept looking at me... I guess she has never seen a trans women that’s wants to look good before ha ha but you tell me which women doesn’t want to look her best?

I wouldn't say I am happy with this picture but hey for shit and giggles right.

Even though she kept looking at me I didn’t care as I was far to relax and it wasn’t like I could do anything so I didn’t give a dahm. Why should I? Come on people it was makeup. Overall it was a great to have someone putting my makeup on that knows what the hell they’re doing.  I do think though I must have looked a right muppet as I didn’t know what to do when Jude was putting makeup on my face so I was looking everywhere, I must have looked like a right clown.

                                   Me and Jude                                                   Vicky and Jude

I was overwhelmed by it all and I felt like I was in the right place. Time just didn’t exist because I was so captivated by it I was in heaven. I was so in my zone I forgot to take pictures of the Benefit booth which I’m sure I will return. After it was all done Jude was happy for me to get in a couple of picture with me and Vicky and we were on our way.

I liked the how the makeup felt on me, my face didn’t get as itchy as some foundations do and I think that I will be back to purchase some makeup from benefit. Jude gave me and Vicky some samples which I am to try out but they look so cute I don’t want to open them.

Vick in her zone (kids hand bag River Island)

I would like to thank Vicky for giving the chance to do this, it wasn’t easy mentally but it helped with my confidence loads. I would like to thank Benefit Cosmetics and Jude for makeup session I really enjoyed it and it was great to be introduced to another makeup brand which I really want to try.

This has been my fiftieth post and I think it has been a great was to celebrate it.

All I can say is this year is still young and I’ve already done loads I can only say watch this blog people because Sarah is going to go crazy more things are going to happen.

Hey guys!

Sorry I’ve not written this week. It has been busy and I’m still recovering from being taken to hospital last week which mainly I’m just tired (suppose that’s nothing new haha)

As for those who read my last post I’ve finally posted that I will be walking down the road to transition to female earlier that I thought and had an appointment with my GP which was on Wednesday 17^th February.  A couple of days before I was due to go I was getting nervous not because I knew I was starting my journey where I will be transitioning (I’m shitting my pants about that) but how I would say “I identify myself as female.” Like how was I?

After speaking to a few trans* friends I heard how they came out to their doctor and it helped a little. The issue I was having was whenever you go to the doctors they always say something along these lines of “how may I help you today?” That was where I was thinking in my head and I would stop, I didn’t know why, it wasn’t the nerves kicking in god knows what it was. Anyway the day came and guess what the doctor said those lines and when I was advised to take a breath I didn’t and came straight out with it.

Trying to remember what I said is hard at best of times, but it was along the lines of “Over the last 2 years I been suffering gender dysphoria, and I want to be referred to a gender specialist to help me with my identity.”   He looked at me with great interest and asked me to describe it in more depth, which I said about when it first started was in April 2014, where I came across the word Bi-Gender, and at that time it was where I felt I was female at times, and I was really learning about myself and how I felt about myself, but over these recent months I’ve started to back track and I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing certain things that I’ve done was feminine from being a child.

I also explained about my childhood wasn’t great, so trusting people etc and my whole feelings I shut away and to a point where a few years ago my own Mother said I was heartless. I explained that only recently I opened my emotions and that is where I started feeling like I was in the wrong body and was starting to identify myself more as female. Which if I never shut myself feelings off I probably would have transitioned many years ago.

Recent Picture 

After talking for a few minutes he told me that the whole process is drawn out and is an extremely long journey, and just to be seen by a gender specialist can be a good while off. I explained that I read that Leeds GIC Clinic had bad reports and that the waiting list was around 2-3 years so called which he was shocked that the list was that long. He explained to me that the surgery I’m at has two transgender patients on their books who are children and that they were sent to Leeds which had good results but Leeds is one of two GIC Clinics for children in the UK.

One of my first ever pictures as female

My Doctor said that he will have to ring me to discuss where I can go and the options that I have so hopefully I will hear from him soon and get on the waiting list for a GIC Clinic where it’s looking like it will be Nottingham or Northampton, but I’m not really looking into so soon. The next step is hearing from my doctor.

Part of my Journey and an old picture

I will post updates of when that happens and I’m still thinking about making videos, I just hate hearing my voice on a mic and I won’t even sound anything like a girl, so it’s a hard choice and something I’m anxious about.

Thanks for reading 

Hey all!

Would like to wish everyone Happy Valentine’s day.

In my last post I blog about that I have decided that I will transition to female but when the time was right and I was ready. This week has not been great for how I felt about my gender all week I was feeling uncomfortable in my body where at one point I just got a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was getting ready for work and I ended up having a panic attack at how uncomfortable I was in my body and how I was presenting.

At that moment I knew that the time would come sooner than I thought, on Friday I booked an appointment with my GP and have decided to take the steps to transition, I’ve always been one to push the boundaries but also to listen to my body and mind and if it’s saying that I’m female then I guess that is who I am, So as of Friday 12^th February I came to my senses and booked my appointment with my GP for Wednesday 17^th February and hopefully if all goes well I will be referred to a GIC (gender) clinic where I know there will be a waiting list to be seen (not sure how long) but that is even if my GP refers me straight away. I’m not sure what the steps are I just know going to your GP is the first.

As I should be

If all goes well I be blogging and might even vlog about my journey so it will be interesting to see what effects everything will have on me and how I will deal with situations.

Hospital (In brief)

On the same day as I booked my appointment to see my GP about my gender I was tired and not feeling the best but it was at 11:30pm where I became unwell and 15 minutes later where I started to vomit. At first I thought nothing of it and assumed it was my IBS kicking off or something I’d eaten. I had to run to the loo again and was wrenching… Again thinking the same thing, only again to be back to the loo vomiting for a 3^rd time but this time after I finished and looked in the loo all I saw was blood.

The Drip

This concerned me extremely and rang 111 (UK non-emergency number) after giving details to them they were concerned and said for me to get to hospital when I can, unfortunately I can’t drive so it would have meant for me to get there impossible. The pain to come back while on the phone to them and ended up falling to the floor in pain for them to say that they needed to send an ambulance to me. As I waited for the ambulance I continued to vomit and luckily for me it was the last time that night, the paramedic arrived and assessed me accordingly and only moved me when I was slightly more comfortable and within no time I was at A&E in Wigan this was around 3am.

A rare picture of me presenting as my male self on the hospital bed

A&E wasn’t busy so I was quickly assessed and moved into a room where I was hooked up to a machine to checked for my heart rate, a drip (Omeprazole) was then given to me and other things I have no idea about, my bloods was taken which the results was given back all clear a couple of hours later. During my 3 hours stay I managed to get around an hours’ rest. The biggest issue for me was the pain subsided after I was last sick just before the paramedics arrived and I felt like I was wasting their time as for the whole time I just felt uncomfortable in my stomach, but with vomiting blood better to be safe than sorry. It turned out I had torn my oesophagus and something else which I forgot what the doctor said, after that at 6.15am I was allowed to go home and given a 7-day course of Omeprazole but as tablets. Even after the lack of sleep, vomiting blood and the crap time I had I still did a few hours at work… How stupid am I.

All wired up

I would like to thank the paramedics who came they was awesome and all the staff at Wigan A&E. I would like to thank all NHS staff in general as I think they’re underpaid and undervalued and should be treated with more respect that what they get.

Thank you and respect you all  

Hey all,

I hope everyone is doing great. First of all I would like to apologise for the lack of content on my blog at he moment. I've been busy with work and I'm just exhausted mentally and physically. After my last employer screwed me over extremely bad where I was ill handed in a doctors notice to where I would receive my end of contract within less than two hours where I had to look for work when I was not in fit state to even walk never mind look for a job. I was being sick for over a month and two weeks when I got my job. I've worked loads of hours and to top it off as of the 16th feb 2016 I would of worked 5 months straight without a break and battling with me not being well and a heavy Christmas schedule of these last few month I also been battling extremely bad with Gender Dysphoria, which has made it extremely hard for me to write posts.

These last 3 months I've done so much unfortunately I can't write heavy about two other them as it involve the company I work for and I really can't be bothered getting messages saying I shouldn't mention them and isn't worth any disciplinaries till I've spoke to the bosses at head office. (even though I wouldn't be putting them in a bad position so I will briefly mentioned what I did)

This year I said it will be big for me as female and so far it has and in the first month it has already been massive. I've been out in the day as female but that was for something bigger, and that was going to work as female for the first time. I work in retail, but I was asked to do a few hours which should of been my day off  and that week I was presenting loads as female and also was suffering really bad with the dysphoria and how uncomfortable I was in my body, I spoke to my boss and she allowed me to come in as female if that is how I felt... So I did and went as female.

First time going to work as female 

 In Uniform Not very frilled in my uniform haha

 After work my friends came round and wanted to go for a drive, so it was fixing my make up.

I had to stop off at a service station at Sandbach.

Last week I also went round my home town as female and was the first time also within the public for the first time during the day presenting as I felt for the first time also. So some huge steps for me and the worst thing was I felt uncomfortable but not as because I was presenting female... It was how I dressed I felt extremely over dressed even though the outfit I picked was dressed down completely. I felt so over dressed and that made me uncomfortable.

My first picture out as female in my home town, when I took this I was nervous a fook.

After a long time of waiting I finally met up with my close awesome friend (BBF) Vicky 

On the same day but I had to go home on the bus, I want happy when it started to rain heavy.

This was the main reason I was not in a great mood why it was raining, these was also from River Island and cost £75 so I didn't want to get the ruined.

New projects 

Recently I thought how can I make this blog better so I've decided to invest in a better camera for my pictures which will feature in my posts shortly (the files are uncompressed and non as .nef files which means better picture with more detail... it also means that my picture files will be around 30MB comapred to a normal jpeg which can be around 3MB). The camera I bought is a Nikon D3300 which is a DSLR Camera, this means changeable lenses, better quality of pictures, I can add extras like a flash light, a gps thingy and some other cool gadgets. I've also invested in a Go Pro Hero 3 White which I'm testing out and plan to do something with it. I plan to restructure this blog later in the year also.

I also plan in getting in contact with other Trans* people and see if they will share their awesome stories, maybe even do some posts on what they wear on a daily bases when I do any fashion posts, how they do their make up as part of my little campaign on that we dress normal.

I'm also in the process of thinking to start a huge campaign which I will reveal later if I go a head with it which will involve a real petition.

The Big Announcement

After chatting with loads of new friends I've made in the Trans* community and hearing their stories of their transition and how they went on to finding out about themselves being Trans* which for their start of their journey I can relate to them and also over the last month how I felt about myself.

The other day I got figuratively slapped in the face by a huge penis which made me realise that when I'm female I'm truly happy, I don't have this unhappy stage where I want to cry because I feel unhappy in my own body. So I've thought about it and when the timing is right I will start the journey and will walk down the path to transition to female and go to my GP and get refereed to a GIC clinic (I think it's called) where I will hope I will get put on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) but that's something I will talk about closer to the time, right now I'm going to rest, right the odd post and come to terms to whom I really am. I need to be happy and I if this means that this is the course I need to take and a possibility where I might lose my Mum then so be it.

I would like to thank everyone for your support, it has really meant the world to me. I have a number of post I want to write about but non of them yet are about me personally on my gender but items of clothing, makeup and other things.

Thank you all

Sarah

xxx