Hello and Welcome back to a rare blog post! This post is a bit different to normal because it is rant, but also it is to let you know where I am on my transition as of now.I am kind of skipping the other posts I’ve not written about yet. Anyway I’m going to get straight into this post and rant away!

Transitioning is really hard and I don’t think anyone will say any different really. I do think there are people that have or are transitioning have had it tougher than I have had it but cannot I say it has been easy for me… Because it really hasn’t! Time has gone very quick which I will probably think most of if not all the transgender community will be thinking that I am nuts. QUICK! 2 years have passed since I started with changing my doctors and almost 2 years since I went on the waiting list at the GIC.


I do not think I have spoke to anyone that has said their waiting for their appointments have gone quick. Even sometimes the way I talk about myself as there is so much I hate about myself, I spend a lot of time at the gym in front of mirrors and every time I have to see a reflection I loathe but yet times goes quick it doesn’t make sense and to say I face issues that I hate about myself everyday and say this time has gone quick is well... crazy!

Fitness has been a massive part of my journey not just physically but mentally

I do think I have been lucky really and managed to keep myself busy by setting goals that I have had to hit personally, because of that it has kept my mind mainly at bay and I have not really looked at the time it will take to get help, along the way I have added some goals and delayed others depending on how much of a priority they are, but this has kept me very busy. I have lost weight which is ongoing, I have managed to get on hormones through the NHS and not had to go through their BS system with the GIC, and currently I am going through my last goal of laser hair removal. The issue with fitness and laser is that they both have one thing in common and that is it takes a while to get where you want to be.

I think from about November 2019 I wasn’t feeling me, I was not feeling the way I used to be, I wasn’t at all feeling well like a dude! I started to notice specially now of the time writing this that my hair on my face is starting to go patchy, but the issue is if I am waiting for my fitness to get better and I’m waiting for my facial hair to devitalise. The issue is I feel I am pretty much the person I want to be excluding the facial hair and to a point I am happy with my body because fitness and the gym is ongoing, I look in mirror in my bathroom after a shower and I see almost a female, I see boobs that are developing, longer hair. The only issue is there is three issues… a nob at one end and facial hair at the other! At the moment I feel generally feel female and why should I wait for the next step. That would be going full time… or am I and I don’t see it yet? I feel if the laser is going to take time, longer than I expected and my boobs are growing bigger than what I thought they would to where it is getting hard to conceal them, then maybe I should introduce another goal and that is changing my name… Like as Nick which is my male name and it is on my name badge at work. Another is my hair, I do not want to wear wigs for the rest of my life and I am growing my hair... Unfortunately I do have a receding hairline and a massive monk patch on my head, which has started to grow but like everything it will take time and probably surgery.

People ask me all the time, ‘Why Sarah?’ I ask myself that now specially now, but I ask myself why not a unisex name or keep my own? Unfortunately the name Sarah was there at the age of 14 maybe 15 when I wrote something at school and called the Sarah Series, and when ever I played The Sims I would always call the main character Sarah. The sad story about that it took me 9 years to realise anything to why that name became so important. Looking back at it now what makes it worse is that it has taken over 15 years for the name which is about to be implemented, which is what I am debating now and for me it is all about one thing timing! The question is when is the right timing for me to officially drop the Nick?

Frustration!

So with all these questions floating around I thought I would ring my Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds to find out what exactly is full time!

The reason for this is because in order to get certain things through the service you have to live as your chosen gender for a minimum of a year. In some cases it’s for hormones, and some might be for surgery. I suppose for me because I do not feel anything as my former self, and willing to change my name legally as I’m getting into that role slowly then would that count? 

Errr no! So it was not explained to me very well but I was put on hold and the person on the other end went to find out. She returned and said that would it would be discussed at the second appointment and when this was looked up it would be a further 16-18 month after my first appointment… Which by then the waiting already racked up estimated 29-30 months. With 21 months already passed it is gruelling to know as soon as I step outside of the GIC I will have to wait another possibly 18 months at the most for my next appointment… Now this is where it might get complicated as the third appointment is 14-16 months for my hormones… I’m already on them through another method so what will be next? I really have no idea but everything I'm doing is all going to be written up and documented. 

Anyway the women on the phone said that they want to know that I am confident in my 

preferred gender role, and how I dress etc… That made me mad and now commence the rant!

Why Should I go F-T If I Am Not Ready?

Right now I am in a place of;

What’s the point in waiting? 

Do I need to wear makeup everyday?

Must I have to wear female clothes everyday?

I can pretty much answer the first and part of the second one together, so for a while now I know I am confident that I could go full time now, but that is a mental state. I am changing the outside to match how I am on the inside but it does not count. The issue is I have to to live confident for 1 year minimum as my preferred gender and with laser hair removal that does not happen over night and takes months even years to achieve this. 

So why should I not move to my next goal anyway? Well this is where part of question number 2 hits. Well shaving! Right now my hair grows on my face very quickly and to go to work I would have to shave and apply makeup… I would have to go on my break after a few hours, remove my makeup, shave then reapply, using moisturiser of course but I work 5 days a week which means I would have to shave a minimum of 20 times a week! That is a lot of razors and stress on the skin which I am not personally willing to go through!

This is the depressing part as it is waiting and waiting… And waiting. 29-30 months is the current waiting time for my clinic from when I was referred in April 2018 which was 21 months ago. So 8-9 months to go for my first appointment… After that appointment it will be another 14-16 months for the next appointment which is the important one as that from when I spoke to Leeds GIC is the diagnosis. Anyway to get the official diagnosis I am looking between September 2021- March 2022 if I am working that out right.

So I have time not to worry yet but I feel that I am in a great place to where I will be full time and will be for the first or not far off that 12 month mark as female. On the other hand the more I procrastinate the process I feel this wouldn’t be doing this for me, it would be working the system to get a result. 

Do I need to wear makeup everyday?

I barely wear makeup now and wear girly clothes, as I don’t have that time right now compared to when I used to in 2016 and before. I know there will be a time where I will get back into makeup etc but right now it just is not happening. For those that have followed me I have always said before I was transitioning that clothes do not define me. Makeup does not define me either. I wore them simply because I liked makeup, I liked trying something types of clothes I never tried before and tried to style them even though I look awful at times. 

The thing is if that is the case what does wearing makeup, clothes etc have to do with living full time?  Does not wearing makeup make any girl a girl? The other issue with me is I do not really leave the house and I have gone past that wearing makeup in the house stage, I have got to that point of why spend an hour getting ready to go to town for an hour and sweating my bollocks off waiting in Primark’s queues for some socks. Shaving my body hair for that small moment to prove a point of I can do this is something I have gone past. I’ve never had anyone say anything to me, I’ve never had people stop me and to be honest I have my ear phones in anyway so I’m not going to hear anything anyway. I think the odd time I’ve had people keep looking and stare at me or stare at me but I’ve just blown them a kiss. 

I think I spend more time at the gym than I do anywhere else outside my house than work so why bother! Why bother trying to put makeup on and have it go in my eyes or rub it off? Err no. I just want to go to the gym do my exercise and get home or work.

Must I have to wear female clothes everyday?

Clothes do not define me, from the first day of learning about who I am, I have never worn female clothes presenting as male, that never changed over 5 years… Till 5th January this year I wanted to be warm at the gym. I will never really wear pants as they get in the way and can snag on my prickly leg hair and it was too cold for my Male leggings. Without thinking out came my female leggings. This year I have won them more than my regular male leggings so this is a sign!

The Grey gym leggings are the women's legging

Okay so it’s just leggings at the gym but for those who know me will know I live a very boring life! I get up, go to the gym, go to work, study at work before I start for a couple of hours then after work I go home and study some more… then repeat!

My friends tend to be off at the weekends when I am not and the team I watch ice hockey with tend to play away when I am off. I don’t wear my best clothes to go to town for an hour and sit on a bus’s/public transport’s mucky seats that is full of germs. When I stay in I wear a red knackered tank top or a Chicago Bulls tank top and shorts all day, or I will studying or doing random things… no not that!

Left: Oestrogen patches. Right: Leuprorelin injection (Testosterone estosterone blocker)

HOWEVER! at work things are changing as the shirt I currently wear is now snuggling to adapt to my upper body parts and round the stomach area is loose and flappy… Recently a button round my breast area popped open so my boobs are getting bigger and not meant for this my new forming body shape. The gender identity clinic said they want to see me confident in my preferred gender clothing, but in this case I might not have a choice. If I did have that choice where I my body wasn’t transforming as potentially as quick as it is. For me this shows the lack of knowledge the system has because not all girls wear female clothing, just as not all trans people at this stage where I am are not on HRT. It seems the system for me doesn’t explain what is living authentically in these times and to which in my opinion is wrong and outdated. I would love to go to the gym not having to wear shorts with my women’s leggings but I have something a biological women don’t have down there and you would be able to tell. I don’t think I could get way with saying its a camel toe. I might be losing weight but also you can only tuck away so much in that instance.

This next bit is also what I now have experienced up to now, Some people might think the GIC need to give you time to make sure you are choosing the right path and that it is what you want but this isn’t about the time it takes. It’s about how they go about it. Yes I love makeup, I love wearing a dress etc but when you think about it and the lifestyle that I live which really needs to be taken into consideration the same as any individual. Do women wear makeup everyday? No, do women all wear dresses? No, tighter clothing everyday? No. So why should a trans person? What and how do they class as living authentically Really?

I will be changing my name soon I feel that I am not the person who I was, so why should I keep the name? Many trans people I have spoke to have said that it counts from the name change and the document show the change. To be honest part of me wants to count it from 5th Jan as it was the first time I had been out in female clothing in the public, part of me is saying when I change my name. All I know is that it will never change the direction of where I am going. It means I’ve got one hell of a challenge left to come, and like I have done throughout my journey so far. I am going to fight it, I will not give up and I will throw everything I can at them so show the direction I am going in.

So there you have it on this blog post, a slight insight to how long the waiting times are, and in my opinion a system in brief that needs to change. This post has hopefully given you guys a little glimpse of where I am on my journey, yes I have some blog posts to put out, which I will do within the next few months as I’m about a year behind. 

I hope you have enjoyed this post/rant 

See you guys soon

Love 

Sarah

xxx

Anxiety! Depression!  The feeling of being completely alone with no one to go to, the feeling of being useless to yourself and really everyone and anything. You feel you’ve fallen so low, it is like how do I get back up? Or when you try something keeps happening to where you just fall back down again and again! This is just slightly a bit of how I felt during the last 12 months (January 2018 – December 2018). October was the worst when really they should have been...  Well Normal, well better than normal!

“Think about the good things!” or “think about what you have!” tend to be the most common phrases I've heard people say… Which for some reason they will think they are helping when really it only making how you feel worse. Really they are right for sure in most cases but it is just not how it works. “Just forget about them and move on!” which is one for friends, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. Again another true phrase but just doesn’t help really.

Anxiety is probably the thing that I’ve suffered a lot from especially over the past 16 months, but I didn’t know what anxiety was till someone pointed out to me. I can’t say I know a lot apart from what I’ve experienced generally it is where I can’t think, I can’t breathe properly not out of breath just struggle to breathe generally. I don’t want to be around anyone and will generally just want to stay away from people or I will be quiet around everyone. I really can be hard when it kicks off as I have to work with people and my last few jobs including the one I have now had all been customer-facing or having to talk to someone.

Anxiety attacks can be the worst again they consist of breathing faster and shorter or struggle in general, I feel faint and dizzy, a number of times I have had it where I just collapsed on the floor and a couple of times with milk in my hands so that ended up on the floor and me to clean up and as the milk was all over me. When an anxiety attack happens I feel like someone’s hands have just grabbed my brain and are squeezing really hard. When it hits I will always be in the toilets being sick through it. I just will not eat or drink at all, it has to be forced down me most times even though I know I will regurgitate it anyway… Sleep! Yeah, I’ve never got any when anxiety is around.

Lack of sleep is probably where I am at my worst when I am going through the worst parts especially when it reaches three or more days as that is where my dark side comes out. This is generally where everything that is colour just disappears. Everything is just black and grey! This is the most dangerous part of me, it is not that I am dangerous to others, I become a danger to myself. That is where I will overdo things (especially at the gym) to a point where some might want to call it self-harming. I just don’t feel pain or a desire to stop. I won’t cut myself or anything just push my body to the max but not have a rest or eat properly to recover. 

Depression! So misunderstood, people that have never been so far down always tend to criticise people on social media! “It is for attention!” is what I see online. “Give your head a wobble!”  Are more terms that I have seen and heard but it is so much easier said than done!  A human mind is an incredible tool but such a destructible one also. So much of it can drive you to self-harm and in worse cases suicide. Something I have gone through to where it is down to pot luck I am here today. also, I went through it nine months ago and was close to just completely ending it.

Having anxiety and depression does not just affect how you feel but it can affect your body and how it works! For me when I get hit by anxiety and depression especially if it hits hard it affects my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). For some it can cause diarrhoea, for others like me it causes constipation and as I am writing this coming out of bad anxiety and a depressive state my IBS is really acting up.

How can this happen when your brain is in the other part of the body? Looking online there was research in 2016 and when the brain has any stress, depression, anxiety it suppresses activities in the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands which is why they react the way they do. Anyway! Enough of chatting crap and on to other things depression can do to the body.

• Increase the risk of heart disease,
• hair loss,
• Inflammations,
• Loss of libido,
• Chronic pain,
• Insomnia,
• Weight loss/weight gain.

That is just some of the things on how anxiety and depression can affect your body, as people we need to support each other in someone’s time of need as it can affect anyone at any time and there might come a time where you might need it, it can be a difference in someone living and someone taking their life!

Here is my dark story.

2014

Early on when I started this blog in 2014, I spoke briefly on when I was 14, young gullible and just starting to figure out what I wanted to do in life, but my Mum had a boyfriend at the time who was an alcoholic, consistent arguing, ruining holidays, Christmas amongst other stuff got on top of me from the age of 7-14 it was on continuous problem, arguing, abuse from my mum’s boyfriend etc. It got to that stage where it was affecting me and after seeing going through some really bad things I could not take it anymore. One night I remember my mum and her boyfriend got into a big fight and he slammed the door and I assumed he left and it was where I lost it. Everything in my head just went dark, I was breathing very heavily. I generally just couldn’t take it anymore!

When morning came my mum went to work to which I didn’t sleep all, it was like I had the biggest headache ever no paracetamol would shift it, my head felt like it was wobbly was completely dizzy and really was pretty disorientated. I found a ladder we kept in the house, went into the loft and found some rope which was pretty thick enough to what I thought would do the trick. In the loft it had a beam that was pretty much overhanging the entrance, I was not thinking about anyone else or myself, it was about the outcome and just how this torment would end along with anymore suffering that I was having, no more drunken episodes from my Mum's boyfriend, no more fighting that went on for so long. I do not think I gave it a second thought and down I lifted myself from the entrance of the loft on a rope to where the only thing that was hanging on to me was a rope around my neck.  

I don't know how long I was there for, all I can remember was HIM! He lifted me up and cutting me down and gasping for breath and could not stand for about 5-10 minutes. That changed my life forever!

2018

Fast Forward to 15th September after my first week off (in a job) in over a year, setting new highs, like going to watch the ice hockey as female for the first time and also going into town but on my own start to finish as female for the first time only for 14^th September to be put under investigation. For anyone that has been placed under investigation knows it is not pleasant especially when you suffer from anxiety.

I think from the moment the allegations against me was made, was when all the problems in how I felt started. I felt sick, I felt dizzy which was only to get worse I wasn’t suspended either so it was a normal 40 hours for two weeks. I worked all the way through it, was going to work and having to be around the people that were doing the investigation. Every time I stepped through the door I was hit with dizziness some days and I had to go be sick. It was not great, at home it was not good either to where I would get so worked up, my head would just blackout mainly on my bed as that is where I spend most of my time. I think I knew I was going to be dismissed all the way through it. On 28^th September 2018 I was told I was to be dismissed with immediate effect I had no emotion at all, I left and even shook the now ex-store manager hand thinking there was no point kicking off. I am still confused to why I was actually dismissed as was the Citizens Advice Bureau. Not being there for 2 years meant I had pretty much no rights.

October 2018 that was a close one! As many know 2018 was the year I started the road to transitioning to female. I got put on the waiting list, I had a to battle to get to see an endocrinologist to see me for my hormones but I had to be put on a 5-month waiting list and was knocking all my goals out of the park that I set, it was going great! …

A month went one with no luck of finding a job and I was meant to be going to Harrogate to see my endocrinologist then going to London the next day. All the hard work and the waiting to the day was just well becoming to a halt and signing back on to Job Seekers Allowance to what is now called Universal Credit really hit hard. This is where the consistent headaches started, worrying about money was not eating, constipation set in hard, all these things just hit all at once and this biggest part of me that I think set me off on really not wanting to live was shame. I felt so ashamed of myself that my life just crumbled so quickly and I fell so hard as I was so close to this extremely important chapter of my a life which I worked so bloody hard to disprove so many people that said I could not get where I wanted to be, and in such a small amount of time was pretty much on the verge of being taken away from me and nothing I could do about it.

All those feelings from 2014 just added and hit me with a double dose. I know my dad was heading out to Scotland for the weekend and that is where I thought that would be it! I (thought) lost everything, I had no self-respect, I lost all hope in myself, I lost any good feeling about everything and seeing everything in black and grey returned, consistently feeling dizzy and disorientated. At this point, I was a goner. I do not know how I felt at the time how I came up with posting about how I felt on Facebook, I generally keep stuff about being depressed off Facebook. I did not post about how I felt regards to suicide but about being really down and depressed about how hard life was at that moment in time… And boy I was in for a shock! People reached out to me and messaged me, with support and reassurance. That status also got me back on to the career path I was on in 2017. At the time the former store manager I had on Facebook saw my status and (in black and white) messaged me and said if I was looking for work still, with no hesitation I said yes and it went from there. This time it would be a new store, a few staff that joined after I left, but I would be reunited with the ones that I used to work with and all supportive of my transition. It was one of the biggest things that saved my life, it brought me back into an industry that I loved and colleagues I loved, it was not just a job but also meant my transition would be back on track!

During that week also I went to Professional Beauty North Convention which I bumped into people that knew me from doing lives in a makeup group and asked for pictures, but hopefully for future post it became the start of a good relationship with the Spectrum Brush founders! It got better from there! A couple of days later I got what would be my final pay packet from my employer, I was dismissed from and that abled me to go to Harrogate, get the green light to proceed with HRT on the NHS before I was to be seen at the Gender Identity Clinic.

Generally, it took 4 days to go from feeling rock bottom to feeling on top of the world! The thing with depression and anxiety is it is like an RKO out of nowhere! It can just hit you and really send you downhill to where you think there is nowhere to go, no one to speak to or if there is you don't want to! If you battle depression and really try as hard as it is the rewards can be astronomical! I really didn’t want to go out even to Professional Beauty in Manchester, but I forced myself and when I got in I took my makeup off and clothes just got in my onesie and I just collapsed on my bed like just fainted. It took so much to get out and go against what my head was saying. I walked out of my home thinking am I going to live past this week, to be feeling not that bad anymore!

In 2019 it has been a roller coaster but not as bad as October last year. I know I need to focus on my goals and keep pushing, I need to keep my friends I know care close and know who the right people are and concentrate on them more. Depression and anxiety for me are nothing to me when I fight back it soon goes as quick as it comes but it is getting the strength to push through it. Life will always be tough and there will always be a time where you feel you can go nowhere and it is the end, but if you can find just a small hole you can get to when you are in that bubble of darkness keep going at it as I am pretty sure you will succeed and emerge victoriously.     

This year I've tried to really push myself to the limit and that has mainly been focusing on my transition a little be more on myself than others to a point but going to the gym and exercising has made a massive difference! You get to a point where you need to go and that mental side takes over but also the issue you have just gets left at the door but also the rewards for what you put into the gym really are massive and that becomes a massive goal and you want more and the feeling you get from putting in the work is crazy in a good way! Never give up and fight it!

I want to thank some people before I finish this post because I look back still and I can’t believe how close I was to ending it all in October 2018. One is my store manager now. It was the start of the recovery and it really has to help me overcome and become a stronger person and I really can’t think of how I can repay you. Professional Beauty if it wasn’t for that event I wouldn’t have bumped into the Spectrum Sisters. Yes, The Spectrum sisters. They have been amazing with me and for letting me be behind the scenes in the photo-shoot they did in January, I just hope I was a great help to you then. Another is to a girl who I don’t talk to anymore and I have no actual reason why and it still puzzles me, but just after my meltdown she was going through a really rough time and we were talking for a bit and she helped me more than I think she realised. Knowing she was in a deep hole to come out of it quickly and in style really was a massive inspiration to me and still is.

At the time of writing this, I only had water, I guess I have to pretend it is pink gin with lemonade but I raise my glass to you all and say Thank You! Because you guys saved my life!

Samaritans -116 123
www.samaritans.org

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

It’s been so so long since I wrote a post on here never mind it being almost 3 years since I did a post about makeup, but this post has been the hardest and I don’t mean emotionally but I’ve really had to think about it and for the first time I’ve written this topic out multiple times. One was too bitchy, the other was too long and the other was… well meh. So how can I get all the bitchy, the too long like 5000 words too long post and not… well meh into a smaller post?

It’s like this really I’m going have a couple paragraph about my past and chat a bit of crap then go onto what I’m using then talk about the brushes that I’m using now… So here goes!

Blackpool out for the first time looking overweight and just wrong

2014, I’ve just accepted into learning about myself people not knowing blah blah blah to where I discovered joblots on eBay and went mental, unknowing to what blending is and what shades of foundations are for my skin... Like what the balls is bronzer anyway! Think I used bronzer for all of my face once for a for a laugh… it didn’t work out well. I was using fingers and little buds you get with eye shadow pallets, using blues looking like a prostitute that didn’t have a clue. I was using Foundations that is the same colour as my concealer now to cover my stubble and believe folks it is dark. Over the years I built up a collection, not as big as others, room in my tiny flat is an issue.

Wigs!! People love wigs… If you was me and bought a fancy dress £7 one and looked like a lad in drag round Blackpool on a night out… or during the day! Yes, I looked hideous and could of got so much worse if I went out in the world, luckily I realised how much of a bellend I looked! I knew pretty quickly then and purchased a better wig which you could use hair straighteners with and that changed everything… just not how I did my makeup. Within the same year… and a trip round Blackpool to realise (how the hell my friend with me at the time is still my friend now) how much I needed to develop how I looked and develop quickly!

One year between them year between them! 

My makeup quickly went from crappy foundations you find on eBay and my local Post Office. Anyway, it went to Avon… okay, not the best but from there to Max Factor where my look really changed and set me on a path to where I am now... well-ish. But it went to MAC, Estee Lauder and now NYX… yes NYX!

I bet your thinking how the hell you go from a £40 bottle of one of the best foundations… A flagship foundation to a £7 plastic tube from NYX? The Answer is because it stays on my face when I get hot and stays there! From contouring, eye shadow everything has changed, and now pretty much use high-end makeup from Kat Von D, YSL to Anastasia Beverly Hills, with mascara it’s been an uphill battle as you don’t get along shelf-life with this and I think the best up to now has been Paradise by L’Oreal.

Battle of The Brushes

Over the last couple of year’s brushes has been a big thing for me. I feel that they make a massive difference… Even though I feel I am still bad at makeup, sometimes I go back in time and think what the hell was thinking! I started off with the same old bush sets from China you know like the 35 piece set for like £5 where you wait 3 weeks to receive them and as soon as they touch your face they would just disintegrate. I think I managed to have 5 that survived after the first use… Think I spent more time finding out what they were used for than actually using the bushes!

This is just used as an example

Anyway, after that I headed to Body Shop and bought my first set of at the time I think was expensive brushes. I think you got 5 for £50 and they are I think as standalone brushes pretty much similar pricing too high-end brands like MAC, KVD to name a couple. But after three and a half years they are still going and are still used, to be honest, but soon to be retired. They are animal cruelty-free and synthetic hair. I got some No.7 from Boots and they were just well crap. They hurt when using and always used to bring my foundation off. I will always say 2016 was my best year to date for confidence to how I did my makeup and it was the Body Shop brushes that created the looks. Unfortunately when you start to enjoy something you learn more about different brands! Considering I lived with my dad (still do), have a full-time job and don’t drive! The extra money drives you to want more and try different stuff, and it became very addictive which isn’t like me.

Body Shop, No.7 (gold brushes) and the random kabuki brush in the middle (oldest brush I have)

In 2016, I went to Scotland but I was also a mission to search for better brushes as I felt I couldn’t get on with any other brand than Body Shop. I came across Laura Gellar brush set and they are pretty cute as they come in a bag and they are pretty good brushes. However! They still were lacking what I wanted and wasn’t great at blending and through 2017 to most of 2018 which I didn’t present much as female and practising making up just didn’t really happen.

Makeup brushes have been a massive talking point for years on a makeup group I’m in. I created arguments which got nasty and out of hand so many times. My lives were even flooded with debates between the two bands. The brands are Spectrum Collection and Morphe. They were always neck and neck on votes. One would win one week then the other next week.

Many people would say the Spectrum look amazing but the Morphe was better for applying makeup, some would say Morphe was just better etc and Spectrum vice versa. I think both brands are pretty young. I think Morphe was created in 2008 and Spectrum was founded 5 years ago.

Fast forward to 21^st October 2018 was the day my mind was made up on which brushes to buy… It was Spectrum. I went to Professional Beauty North, where I went to see what the whole beauty convention was about and would be a good eye opener for me, to which it didn’t disappoint. There is nice dark to light story here which I might write about on a different post.

My outfit for the Convention, I have no idea how to wear a beret.

In black and white Professional Beauty North convention for businesses that work in the beauty industry and bloggers alike to name only the tip of it. I met up with a friend for an hour or two which she was a modal for one of the companies, which then I was on my own… to where I spent more money than I should... Then I came across the Spectrum Stand. I only knew one thing which was basically two sisters made brushes in a shed to where they expanded etc and that was it. I remember speaking to a girl that had a great smile and seemed nice and down to earth, not thinking it was one of the founders (Hannah) of Spectrum. Was only till I mentioned about brushes and the only thing I knew about the brand. Hannah went “that’s us!” and pointed to her sister Sophie.

I went into the booth looked at the brushes as the booth went quiet briefly so I had Hannah and Sophie going through the collections they brought with them… If I had my job at that time I think I would have bankrupted myself. So I bought my first ever brush set from Spectrum Collections and I way overspent on my budget like double buying these! To be honest, even though I overspent two things happened that day. I met the owners of Spectrum who are awesome! It also ended the two years of “Battle of The Brushes“.

I really didn't like my look, was a new wig and my makeup melted on my forehead

I’ve managed to use the brushes a good few times and I love them, they blend like a dream, don’t hurt my face when I’ve messed up and had to try again, I  feel it didn't overspend I don't think I would be have been happier with my current brushes. I feel with the Body Shop I have had to use force and put more effort into using the brushes but also use more product, with the Brushes from Spectrum I have never had an issue with. I always look forward to using them also…

And the best part is! Being at Professional Beauty North was just the beginning and as said before I hope soon I will be able to tell you more to why!

Absence

I’ve had many e-mails and messages over social media with people asking about my transition and where I am with it and have I progressed? I would just like to reassure you I will be writing more posts soon. 2018 was very brutal and a very busy year. The last six months have been a roller-coaster for me, to where at one point I fell quickly to almost rock bottom, every time I would try to get up I was being kicked down to where at one point I really felt I was about a week away to just ending my own life. Now I am rebuilding I can say a lot has happened and I will be talking about most of it over various topics such as my transition, jobs, mental health (depression, anxiety, and suicide), and a side project. I hope something else will continue on from this post, but that I cannot say anything about yet, I will need help from some special people for it.

Thanks for reading see you guys soon.  

Welcome back to part 3 of the road to the GIC. In the last post, I spoke about the Screening with Leeds and being put on to the waiting list, and working through a set of goals. Which I have been doing, I've had a few bumps along the way and boy they were massive bumps.

Picture from Wikipedia

Anyway, this next post is part of those goals I have set which is to obtain hormones through the NHS which when I said that is what I aim to do, I got quite a lot of responses which quite a few were negative, by people saying that I'm wasting my time and I won't get the actual doses unless I go private through the likes of Dr Webberley to be on the safe side or using the internet to obtain them. My goals were clear on what I wanted to do and I’m stubborn so I won’t change my mind till I know I’ve been defeated and truly know I can’t come back...

So for those that are starting out, I knew nothing either, and it wasn't easy. The first thing I did was I went to my GP (General Practitioner) which my Nurse saw me (Check if they can do referrals) and she was very helpful but we thought I could go anywhere. So I was set up, about a week or two later I got a letter through my door and I was to choose a service (there was 4 to choose from, I decided to choose Bolton)

Within two weeks I had a letter through my door and I was rejected, with no explanation even to my GP/clinic either. After about two weeks I rang the referral line to which there was a reply and basically said they don't treat trans people and told me to be referred to an NHS Tertiary Care (NHS Choices) which is a Third Tier Service. So, in other words, the Gender Identity Clinics. I was already on a waiting list for this so I felt like I hit a brick wall. I then decided to ring my Leeds GIC I’m going to go to and they said I need to find someone that deals in "Cross Sex Hormones." then said about the one in Harrogate., but wasn’t sure and it was confirmed that Harrogate does offer this service.

Big tip make sure you have all the information with you, so I had all of Dr Hammond’s contact details for Harrogate as you can then present this to your GP, they got in contact with his secretaries and they told them how to refer me. Yet again my GP was unsure that he could refer me out of the area where I am and I would like to point out if you want to go down the route you have to make sure you challenge them. My GP does support me but they only have limited knowledge, so sometimes you have to help them so they can help you.

Within a few days, I was updated and my referral was sent and accepted… Can’t say I was happy with the referral letter but to be honest I didn’t care as I was moving closer to my goal. It took about a month for my appointment to come through and it was dated for 9^th November 2018 which did screw my plans up for my trip to London. This did pose an issue which was waiting for 5 months to be seen.

Picture from Jason's Movie Blog

I would like to point out this trip to see an endocrinologist has nothing to do with Leeds GIC.

Five Months Later

Okay, five months have passed and in that time I was cocky and arrogant was like yes I will go as female, show them I really want it… Yeah, it came and I was nervous as hell, the issue was that I didn’t feel I was authentic going as female which people on my Facebook was saying go as female it’s what they want to see… But do they?

This was taken at Harrogate District Hospital 

I felt differently, I didn’t feel right. Presenting as female just to get hormones just didn’t go right for me at all, I felt like I was being a fraud in a way like I was going as female to just get hormones is not what I’m about. It kept me up all night and made me vomit also because it meant so much me and to travel a good distance also and come away with nothing really. I set a deadline for me to get ready and about 10 minutes after that deadline a random thought came to my head and that it’s a day out for me so why would I not want to go out. A new place I’ve never been to and will probably not go again or a long time at least, it was an opportunity to harden my skin and see how my dad would be like with me fully when it was just me and him on a day out. My attire was a white top, denim skirt, leggings, knee-high boots from River Island and a coat from Miss Selfridges.

I'm crap with hair

After getting ready and about 20 minutes late out, we set off and the journey was funny and no different… We mainly were having a laugh and doing Sean Bean’s “bastards!” impressions pretty much the whole way there. (It was going around Facebook and how the girls liked it… Some got turned on somehow) 

We turned up at the hospital two and a half hours early, as my dad thought there would be loads of traffic on the motorway (freeway for the U.S. etc) so we walked around and had a coffee. I don’t think I was fazed at all, I know I don’t have a girly figure, a girly posture and I know I’ve not got a great body… Just my legs and ass ha ha. I’m pretty much hardening myself mentally into just going out more but not staying out for too long.

There was a BMW/Audi/pretty much every car brand 'Bastard' 

The two and half hours flew by like really and my appointment with Phillip Hammond was now happening, my weight was taken and was 88kg this was with all my clothes on and wearing my C cup silicone breast foams, so maybe a few KG was knocked off, but it came to 13 stone 8ibs (or 190ibs) and my blood pressure was good also. I was asked the same questions like my screening with Leeds G.I.C, like how long have I felt like this? Where do I want to go with my transition? Then when the hormones came out it was what type of treatment with the hormones did I want. So for, me it would be the injection for the testosterone blockers and tablets for the estrogen tablets to start with. I will be monitored regularly to make sure nothing is causing any damages to my body also.  Once agreed I signed a waver and I was off to get my bloods done… Big tip get these done and given to you as this will save time.

Picture from Guest Post

Options I was given for Estrogen;

1. Tablets
2. Patches
3. Gel

Tablets

Tablets are what most go for to start out with from people I spoke with over the years really then move over to the patches at some point as it’s safer.

Patches

Patches are where most people end up on where these can be worn for about 5 days I believe and you can wear these while exercising like swimming was brought up.

Gel

I completely forgot about these, this is what some people go for but not anyone I’ve spoken to has mentioned to me and has to be used around 3 times a day. The gel is absorbed into the skin and something similar was used in The Big Bang Theory with Howard where he had to rub the cream on his mother to where he didn’t use gloves and became very emotional, not saying it is related fully but it was a gel with estrogen in.

Options I was given for Testosterone Blockers;

1. Tablets
2. Injection

Tablets

The tablets seem pretty popular especially for people that are self-medding and buy their tablets online, but these also can be prescribed.

Injection

The injection I was told that this is the most effective way. This is injected under your abdominal skin under the navel line and I believe into your muscle. I believe this comes with the highest risk and bigger side effects also.

These can be:

Hot flashes,

Sweating,

Dizziness,

Mood changes,

Increased or decreased interest in sex,

Fewer erections than normal,

Breast swelling or tenderness,

Bone pain,

Nausea,

Vomiting,

Diarrhoea,

Constipation,

Loss of appetite,

Sleep problems (insomnia)

Depression

Weight gain

From what I have been told/read the injection is what they use to treat for Prostate Cancer, Breast Cancer and depending on what you’re given used for other treatment too. From what I’ve read these side effects affect depend on what sex biologically you are, but don’t go off what I’m saying. This is something that I am trying to find out currently, and if so, is there a diet I can follow, exercise route I need to follow just in case.

I saw them with stickers and because I thought I was brave and asked if they have a sticker for me... SO they drew one on for me 

Right now, it’s a waiting game again for my blood results to come and to be told what I can have and more importantly what am I going to receive? If I am granted with the injections I need to see if my GP is will be willing to inject this into my skin and if you know me I’m crazy so will probably film it… of taking pictures.

I will have an update for you all soon thanks for reading this long ass post and see you guys soon.

Welcome back to 'The Road to the G.I.C! 

On this post, we move on from 'The Road to the G.I.C (Gender Identity Clinic) Part 1' so we left off where I got my referral to Leeds G.I.C. I was so happy which it did take more effort that was required to do this but hell with it I was being referred!

I messaged friends to say I was referred, I put it on Facebook and got so much positive feedback and messages from people and how it has inspired them to move forward with their transition also… It was only 2 months later everything got weird…

I got another letter through the door and that was a letter to say I was due to an appointment which was weird as I was told by the clinic it would be months, it didn’t say it was from the Gender Identity clinic or anywhere in fact or what for just that it was for? Just for it to be conducted at my house.

I couldn't find that letter, it got postponed but this was the next letter that followed

I went on Facebook to find out if the process had changed in the G.I.C as I was told I would have to go to Leeds/phone screening first and then another afterwards. The letter mentioned none of this. So, with all the confusion I rang and it turned out it was (if you read part one) another referral for Mental Health Assessment! This was concerning as I was asking myself; “Did my clinic lie to me?” or “Have I been referred at all?”

Have you ever watched those moves or cartoons where the camera zooms in or out on the character when something bad has happened??? Yeah, that is what that moment felt like! I was in total shock at first that I was yet again referred for Mental Health Assessment, I didn’t know what to think, I found it hard to breathe, I felt dizzy and sick… I wanted to explode but instead, I took a deep breath and did it for a minute or so, then I decided to pick up the phone and rings Leeds Gender Identity Clinic.

F.Y.I - Having your NHS number is handy when you ring This is also on your Birth Certificate. Anyway, when I got through I gave my details, it was confirmed that I was too on the list and they received my referral in Feb (it was in March when this conversation took place) and was told in a few months to expect a letter for a screening which would take place over the phone. This would be some lifestyle questions etc etc.

Funnily enough a couple of weeks later just after I got offered a job (the job is for another post so bear with me on this) I got a letter through the door asking me to ring Leeds G.I.C to make an appointment for when this screening would take place. I soon booked the call for 20^th April at 9am and the ball had officially started to roll slowly.

The day quickly came and is a day I will never forget for many reasons mainly because it was good, bad and ugly… Well Ugly, good than bad. I thought like most NHS appointments they would ring me and they would be late by 10/15 minutes, so a few minutes before I needed to go to the loo and I thought I wouldn’t rush… Big mistake as the phone rang bang on 9am so I had to finish up on the loo while on the phone… Pretty embarrassing!

The call

The questions were about them getting to know me and what I wanted, how I felt and where did I see myself going. I was firm on what I wanted and told them of my plans of going to the gym, planning learning to drive and that I just had managed to get into employment. This was a massive positive for me.

What has this got to do with anything?

Learning to drive, losing weight and going to the gym are goals and this helps mentally, this is trying to lead a normal life really rather than sitting and doing nothing letting depression get hold of you. Easier said than done for sure, but from talking to the G.I.C that is what they liked, the gym helps to relieve stress and help you mentally. Setting goals and trying to be as healthy as you can be will help you go through the stages and help to progress on my journey quicker. That was the feedback on the phone I got, and if all goes well and I’m still driving towards those goals then I might only need 2/3 visits before I get passed the next stage.

Back to the call

I was asked about storing sperm which I declined as I’ve never been a kid person well at the baby stage anyway. I don’t see me cleaning crap from a child’s arse or when it explodes up their back or worse if they’re wearing those onesies…. In the feet part from what I was told. EWWWWWW!

I said if it comes to kids then I will happily look at adopting. For people that have been following me, I’ve always said you don’t have to be blood to be family.

I was asked about surgery which straight away I said about S.R.S. (Sex Reassignment Surgery) there are 3 types of procedures and they are;

• Where they make the area look aesthetically like a vagina. (Designer Vagina)

• A working Vagina to where I would be able to pee and also be able to have sex, but would be dry (The G.I.C words not mine) [Working Designer Vagina]

• Another procedure which would be highly unlikely due to how dangerous and risky it would be where they take and use a bit of your bowel that creates mucus when having sex, but this for me would be interfering with a very important organ that is major in my life which isn’t for me and suffering from bowel issues from the age of 4 isn’t something again I want to interfere with… A working vagina it is for me.

Another F.Y.I: I’m lucky enough to have open friends that have gone through the surgery and have been so open and said that they do get wet so it's all good… So yes for people that don’t know about sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) you still can organism how intense that is I don’t know nor have I asked anyone, but also everyone is different.

When I asked about this on the phone they confirmed this and said it depends on how much the individual was for pre-cum (again their words not mine) I think when it happens, I’m in for a shot. Also depending on your genetics depends on how big your boobs could grow. Like they will be unlikely for D's but possible for me I could get B or C (what I am now with the breast foams)

I was told at the end of the call I should be expecting a letter for my first appointment around December/January and that they will have a larger workforce which will help to control and bring down the wait times. All I can say is that I will be documenting it all.

That is all for this post, there will be another one on the way soon but also it will go from being about Leeds G.I.C to talking about my troubles getting to see an Endocrinologist. Which was pretty intense.

Thinking of a friend

After the call from Leeds G.I.C it was a bit of a bittersweet thing, as I’m happy that I’m finally progressing but behind the scenes and this wasn't mentioned during this post. There was one person that I got close to via Facebook from a makeup group and she watched most if not all my lives on Facebook. She was the first person I would tell when it came to my transition and a few other things. I was always met with positivity and the feedback was always great. Unfortunately, she passed away just over a week before the interview with Leeds G.I.C and after I got off the phone with them I broke down in tears. I will never forget when I broke the news that I got my referral to Leeds G.I.C and the reply I got. All I can say is I will never give up just like you never gave up on me. R.I.P my friend every massive step I take I will always think of you and it will never be the same. Thank you for your support on my lives and for my transition. I will never forget it as I will never forget you. I'm gutted you will never get the chance to see me as the person I will become but I will I will make sure I will own it as you would want me. Goodbye hun R.I.P 

Thanks for reading

Sarah