It’s been so so long since I wrote a post on here never mind it being almost 3 years since I did a post about makeup, but this post has been the hardest and I don’t mean emotionally but I’ve really had to think about it and for the first time I’ve written this topic out multiple times. One was too bitchy, the other was too long and the other was… well meh. So how can I get all the bitchy, the too long like 5000 words too long post and not… well meh into a smaller post?

It’s like this really I’m going have a couple paragraph about my past and chat a bit of crap then go onto what I’m using then talk about the brushes that I’m using now… So here goes!

Blackpool out for the first time looking overweight and just wrong

2014, I’ve just accepted into learning about myself people not knowing blah blah blah to where I discovered joblots on eBay and went mental, unknowing to what blending is and what shades of foundations are for my skin... Like what the balls is bronzer anyway! Think I used bronzer for all of my face once for a for a laugh… it didn’t work out well. I was using fingers and little buds you get with eye shadow pallets, using blues looking like a prostitute that didn’t have a clue. I was using Foundations that is the same colour as my concealer now to cover my stubble and believe folks it is dark. Over the years I built up a collection, not as big as others, room in my tiny flat is an issue.

Wigs!! People love wigs… If you was me and bought a fancy dress £7 one and looked like a lad in drag round Blackpool on a night out… or during the day! Yes, I looked hideous and could of got so much worse if I went out in the world, luckily I realised how much of a bellend I looked! I knew pretty quickly then and purchased a better wig which you could use hair straighteners with and that changed everything… just not how I did my makeup. Within the same year… and a trip round Blackpool to realise (how the hell my friend with me at the time is still my friend now) how much I needed to develop how I looked and develop quickly!

One year between them year between them! 

My makeup quickly went from crappy foundations you find on eBay and my local Post Office. Anyway, it went to Avon… okay, not the best but from there to Max Factor where my look really changed and set me on a path to where I am now... well-ish. But it went to MAC, Estee Lauder and now NYX… yes NYX!

I bet your thinking how the hell you go from a £40 bottle of one of the best foundations… A flagship foundation to a £7 plastic tube from NYX? The Answer is because it stays on my face when I get hot and stays there! From contouring, eye shadow everything has changed, and now pretty much use high-end makeup from Kat Von D, YSL to Anastasia Beverly Hills, with mascara it’s been an uphill battle as you don’t get along shelf-life with this and I think the best up to now has been Paradise by L’Oreal.

Battle of The Brushes

Over the last couple of year’s brushes has been a big thing for me. I feel that they make a massive difference… Even though I feel I am still bad at makeup, sometimes I go back in time and think what the hell was thinking! I started off with the same old bush sets from China you know like the 35 piece set for like £5 where you wait 3 weeks to receive them and as soon as they touch your face they would just disintegrate. I think I managed to have 5 that survived after the first use… Think I spent more time finding out what they were used for than actually using the bushes!

This is just used as an example

Anyway, after that I headed to Body Shop and bought my first set of at the time I think was expensive brushes. I think you got 5 for £50 and they are I think as standalone brushes pretty much similar pricing too high-end brands like MAC, KVD to name a couple. But after three and a half years they are still going and are still used, to be honest, but soon to be retired. They are animal cruelty-free and synthetic hair. I got some No.7 from Boots and they were just well crap. They hurt when using and always used to bring my foundation off. I will always say 2016 was my best year to date for confidence to how I did my makeup and it was the Body Shop brushes that created the looks. Unfortunately when you start to enjoy something you learn more about different brands! Considering I lived with my dad (still do), have a full-time job and don’t drive! The extra money drives you to want more and try different stuff, and it became very addictive which isn’t like me.

Body Shop, No.7 (gold brushes) and the random kabuki brush in the middle (oldest brush I have)

In 2016, I went to Scotland but I was also a mission to search for better brushes as I felt I couldn’t get on with any other brand than Body Shop. I came across Laura Gellar brush set and they are pretty cute as they come in a bag and they are pretty good brushes. However! They still were lacking what I wanted and wasn’t great at blending and through 2017 to most of 2018 which I didn’t present much as female and practising making up just didn’t really happen.

Makeup brushes have been a massive talking point for years on a makeup group I’m in. I created arguments which got nasty and out of hand so many times. My lives were even flooded with debates between the two bands. The brands are Spectrum Collection and Morphe. They were always neck and neck on votes. One would win one week then the other next week.

Many people would say the Spectrum look amazing but the Morphe was better for applying makeup, some would say Morphe was just better etc and Spectrum vice versa. I think both brands are pretty young. I think Morphe was created in 2008 and Spectrum was founded 5 years ago.

Fast forward to 21^st October 2018 was the day my mind was made up on which brushes to buy… It was Spectrum. I went to Professional Beauty North, where I went to see what the whole beauty convention was about and would be a good eye opener for me, to which it didn’t disappoint. There is nice dark to light story here which I might write about on a different post.

My outfit for the Convention, I have no idea how to wear a beret.

In black and white Professional Beauty North convention for businesses that work in the beauty industry and bloggers alike to name only the tip of it. I met up with a friend for an hour or two which she was a modal for one of the companies, which then I was on my own… to where I spent more money than I should... Then I came across the Spectrum Stand. I only knew one thing which was basically two sisters made brushes in a shed to where they expanded etc and that was it. I remember speaking to a girl that had a great smile and seemed nice and down to earth, not thinking it was one of the founders (Hannah) of Spectrum. Was only till I mentioned about brushes and the only thing I knew about the brand. Hannah went “that’s us!” and pointed to her sister Sophie.

I went into the booth looked at the brushes as the booth went quiet briefly so I had Hannah and Sophie going through the collections they brought with them… If I had my job at that time I think I would have bankrupted myself. So I bought my first ever brush set from Spectrum Collections and I way overspent on my budget like double buying these! To be honest, even though I overspent two things happened that day. I met the owners of Spectrum who are awesome! It also ended the two years of “Battle of The Brushes“.

I really didn't like my look, was a new wig and my makeup melted on my forehead

I’ve managed to use the brushes a good few times and I love them, they blend like a dream, don’t hurt my face when I’ve messed up and had to try again, I  feel it didn't overspend I don't think I would be have been happier with my current brushes. I feel with the Body Shop I have had to use force and put more effort into using the brushes but also use more product, with the Brushes from Spectrum I have never had an issue with. I always look forward to using them also…

And the best part is! Being at Professional Beauty North was just the beginning and as said before I hope soon I will be able to tell you more to why!

Absence

I’ve had many e-mails and messages over social media with people asking about my transition and where I am with it and have I progressed? I would just like to reassure you I will be writing more posts soon. 2018 was very brutal and a very busy year. The last six months have been a roller-coaster for me, to where at one point I fell quickly to almost rock bottom, every time I would try to get up I was being kicked down to where at one point I really felt I was about a week away to just ending my own life. Now I am rebuilding I can say a lot has happened and I will be talking about most of it over various topics such as my transition, jobs, mental health (depression, anxiety, and suicide), and a side project. I hope something else will continue on from this post, but that I cannot say anything about yet, I will need help from some special people for it.

Thanks for reading see you guys soon.  

Welcome back to part 3 of the road to the GIC. In the last post, I spoke about the Screening with Leeds and being put on to the waiting list, and working through a set of goals. Which I have been doing, I've had a few bumps along the way and boy they were massive bumps.

Picture from Wikipedia

Anyway, this next post is part of those goals I have set which is to obtain hormones through the NHS which when I said that is what I aim to do, I got quite a lot of responses which quite a few were negative, by people saying that I'm wasting my time and I won't get the actual doses unless I go private through the likes of Dr Webberley to be on the safe side or using the internet to obtain them. My goals were clear on what I wanted to do and I’m stubborn so I won’t change my mind till I know I’ve been defeated and truly know I can’t come back...

So for those that are starting out, I knew nothing either, and it wasn't easy. The first thing I did was I went to my GP (General Practitioner) which my Nurse saw me (Check if they can do referrals) and she was very helpful but we thought I could go anywhere. So I was set up, about a week or two later I got a letter through my door and I was to choose a service (there was 4 to choose from, I decided to choose Bolton)

Within two weeks I had a letter through my door and I was rejected, with no explanation even to my GP/clinic either. After about two weeks I rang the referral line to which there was a reply and basically said they don't treat trans people and told me to be referred to an NHS Tertiary Care (NHS Choices) which is a Third Tier Service. So, in other words, the Gender Identity Clinics. I was already on a waiting list for this so I felt like I hit a brick wall. I then decided to ring my Leeds GIC I’m going to go to and they said I need to find someone that deals in "Cross Sex Hormones." then said about the one in Harrogate., but wasn’t sure and it was confirmed that Harrogate does offer this service.

Big tip make sure you have all the information with you, so I had all of Dr Hammond’s contact details for Harrogate as you can then present this to your GP, they got in contact with his secretaries and they told them how to refer me. Yet again my GP was unsure that he could refer me out of the area where I am and I would like to point out if you want to go down the route you have to make sure you challenge them. My GP does support me but they only have limited knowledge, so sometimes you have to help them so they can help you.

Within a few days, I was updated and my referral was sent and accepted… Can’t say I was happy with the referral letter but to be honest I didn’t care as I was moving closer to my goal. It took about a month for my appointment to come through and it was dated for 9^th November 2018 which did screw my plans up for my trip to London. This did pose an issue which was waiting for 5 months to be seen.

Picture from Jason's Movie Blog

I would like to point out this trip to see an endocrinologist has nothing to do with Leeds GIC.

Five Months Later

Okay, five months have passed and in that time I was cocky and arrogant was like yes I will go as female, show them I really want it… Yeah, it came and I was nervous as hell, the issue was that I didn’t feel I was authentic going as female which people on my Facebook was saying go as female it’s what they want to see… But do they?

This was taken at Harrogate District Hospital 

I felt differently, I didn’t feel right. Presenting as female just to get hormones just didn’t go right for me at all, I felt like I was being a fraud in a way like I was going as female to just get hormones is not what I’m about. It kept me up all night and made me vomit also because it meant so much me and to travel a good distance also and come away with nothing really. I set a deadline for me to get ready and about 10 minutes after that deadline a random thought came to my head and that it’s a day out for me so why would I not want to go out. A new place I’ve never been to and will probably not go again or a long time at least, it was an opportunity to harden my skin and see how my dad would be like with me fully when it was just me and him on a day out. My attire was a white top, denim skirt, leggings, knee-high boots from River Island and a coat from Miss Selfridges.

I'm crap with hair

After getting ready and about 20 minutes late out, we set off and the journey was funny and no different… We mainly were having a laugh and doing Sean Bean’s “bastards!” impressions pretty much the whole way there. (It was going around Facebook and how the girls liked it… Some got turned on somehow) 

We turned up at the hospital two and a half hours early, as my dad thought there would be loads of traffic on the motorway (freeway for the U.S. etc) so we walked around and had a coffee. I don’t think I was fazed at all, I know I don’t have a girly figure, a girly posture and I know I’ve not got a great body… Just my legs and ass ha ha. I’m pretty much hardening myself mentally into just going out more but not staying out for too long.

There was a BMW/Audi/pretty much every car brand 'Bastard' 

The two and half hours flew by like really and my appointment with Phillip Hammond was now happening, my weight was taken and was 88kg this was with all my clothes on and wearing my C cup silicone breast foams, so maybe a few KG was knocked off, but it came to 13 stone 8ibs (or 190ibs) and my blood pressure was good also. I was asked the same questions like my screening with Leeds G.I.C, like how long have I felt like this? Where do I want to go with my transition? Then when the hormones came out it was what type of treatment with the hormones did I want. So for, me it would be the injection for the testosterone blockers and tablets for the estrogen tablets to start with. I will be monitored regularly to make sure nothing is causing any damages to my body also.  Once agreed I signed a waver and I was off to get my bloods done… Big tip get these done and given to you as this will save time.

Picture from Guest Post

Options I was given for Estrogen;

1. Tablets
2. Patches
3. Gel

Tablets

Tablets are what most go for to start out with from people I spoke with over the years really then move over to the patches at some point as it’s safer.

Patches

Patches are where most people end up on where these can be worn for about 5 days I believe and you can wear these while exercising like swimming was brought up.

Gel

I completely forgot about these, this is what some people go for but not anyone I’ve spoken to has mentioned to me and has to be used around 3 times a day. The gel is absorbed into the skin and something similar was used in The Big Bang Theory with Howard where he had to rub the cream on his mother to where he didn’t use gloves and became very emotional, not saying it is related fully but it was a gel with estrogen in.

Options I was given for Testosterone Blockers;

1. Tablets
2. Injection

Tablets

The tablets seem pretty popular especially for people that are self-medding and buy their tablets online, but these also can be prescribed.

Injection

The injection I was told that this is the most effective way. This is injected under your abdominal skin under the navel line and I believe into your muscle. I believe this comes with the highest risk and bigger side effects also.

These can be:

Hot flashes,

Sweating,

Dizziness,

Mood changes,

Increased or decreased interest in sex,

Fewer erections than normal,

Breast swelling or tenderness,

Bone pain,

Nausea,

Vomiting,

Diarrhoea,

Constipation,

Loss of appetite,

Sleep problems (insomnia)

Depression

Weight gain

From what I have been told/read the injection is what they use to treat for Prostate Cancer, Breast Cancer and depending on what you’re given used for other treatment too. From what I’ve read these side effects affect depend on what sex biologically you are, but don’t go off what I’m saying. This is something that I am trying to find out currently, and if so, is there a diet I can follow, exercise route I need to follow just in case.

I saw them with stickers and because I thought I was brave and asked if they have a sticker for me... SO they drew one on for me 

Right now, it’s a waiting game again for my blood results to come and to be told what I can have and more importantly what am I going to receive? If I am granted with the injections I need to see if my GP is will be willing to inject this into my skin and if you know me I’m crazy so will probably film it… of taking pictures.

I will have an update for you all soon thanks for reading this long ass post and see you guys soon.

Welcome back to 'The Road to the G.I.C! 

On this post, we move on from 'The Road to the G.I.C (Gender Identity Clinic) Part 1' so we left off where I got my referral to Leeds G.I.C. I was so happy which it did take more effort that was required to do this but hell with it I was being referred!

I messaged friends to say I was referred, I put it on Facebook and got so much positive feedback and messages from people and how it has inspired them to move forward with their transition also… It was only 2 months later everything got weird…

I got another letter through the door and that was a letter to say I was due to an appointment which was weird as I was told by the clinic it would be months, it didn’t say it was from the Gender Identity clinic or anywhere in fact or what for just that it was for? Just for it to be conducted at my house.

I couldn't find that letter, it got postponed but this was the next letter that followed

I went on Facebook to find out if the process had changed in the G.I.C as I was told I would have to go to Leeds/phone screening first and then another afterwards. The letter mentioned none of this. So, with all the confusion I rang and it turned out it was (if you read part one) another referral for Mental Health Assessment! This was concerning as I was asking myself; “Did my clinic lie to me?” or “Have I been referred at all?”

Have you ever watched those moves or cartoons where the camera zooms in or out on the character when something bad has happened??? Yeah, that is what that moment felt like! I was in total shock at first that I was yet again referred for Mental Health Assessment, I didn’t know what to think, I found it hard to breathe, I felt dizzy and sick… I wanted to explode but instead, I took a deep breath and did it for a minute or so, then I decided to pick up the phone and rings Leeds Gender Identity Clinic.

F.Y.I - Having your NHS number is handy when you ring This is also on your Birth Certificate. Anyway, when I got through I gave my details, it was confirmed that I was too on the list and they received my referral in Feb (it was in March when this conversation took place) and was told in a few months to expect a letter for a screening which would take place over the phone. This would be some lifestyle questions etc etc.

Funnily enough a couple of weeks later just after I got offered a job (the job is for another post so bear with me on this) I got a letter through the door asking me to ring Leeds G.I.C to make an appointment for when this screening would take place. I soon booked the call for 20^th April at 9am and the ball had officially started to roll slowly.

The day quickly came and is a day I will never forget for many reasons mainly because it was good, bad and ugly… Well Ugly, good than bad. I thought like most NHS appointments they would ring me and they would be late by 10/15 minutes, so a few minutes before I needed to go to the loo and I thought I wouldn’t rush… Big mistake as the phone rang bang on 9am so I had to finish up on the loo while on the phone… Pretty embarrassing!

The call

The questions were about them getting to know me and what I wanted, how I felt and where did I see myself going. I was firm on what I wanted and told them of my plans of going to the gym, planning learning to drive and that I just had managed to get into employment. This was a massive positive for me.

What has this got to do with anything?

Learning to drive, losing weight and going to the gym are goals and this helps mentally, this is trying to lead a normal life really rather than sitting and doing nothing letting depression get hold of you. Easier said than done for sure, but from talking to the G.I.C that is what they liked, the gym helps to relieve stress and help you mentally. Setting goals and trying to be as healthy as you can be will help you go through the stages and help to progress on my journey quicker. That was the feedback on the phone I got, and if all goes well and I’m still driving towards those goals then I might only need 2/3 visits before I get passed the next stage.

Back to the call

I was asked about storing sperm which I declined as I’ve never been a kid person well at the baby stage anyway. I don’t see me cleaning crap from a child’s arse or when it explodes up their back or worse if they’re wearing those onesies…. In the feet part from what I was told. EWWWWWW!

I said if it comes to kids then I will happily look at adopting. For people that have been following me, I’ve always said you don’t have to be blood to be family.

I was asked about surgery which straight away I said about S.R.S. (Sex Reassignment Surgery) there are 3 types of procedures and they are;

• Where they make the area look aesthetically like a vagina. (Designer Vagina)

• A working Vagina to where I would be able to pee and also be able to have sex, but would be dry (The G.I.C words not mine) [Working Designer Vagina]

• Another procedure which would be highly unlikely due to how dangerous and risky it would be where they take and use a bit of your bowel that creates mucus when having sex, but this for me would be interfering with a very important organ that is major in my life which isn’t for me and suffering from bowel issues from the age of 4 isn’t something again I want to interfere with… A working vagina it is for me.

Another F.Y.I: I’m lucky enough to have open friends that have gone through the surgery and have been so open and said that they do get wet so it's all good… So yes for people that don’t know about sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) you still can organism how intense that is I don’t know nor have I asked anyone, but also everyone is different.

When I asked about this on the phone they confirmed this and said it depends on how much the individual was for pre-cum (again their words not mine) I think when it happens, I’m in for a shot. Also depending on your genetics depends on how big your boobs could grow. Like they will be unlikely for D's but possible for me I could get B or C (what I am now with the breast foams)

I was told at the end of the call I should be expecting a letter for my first appointment around December/January and that they will have a larger workforce which will help to control and bring down the wait times. All I can say is that I will be documenting it all.

That is all for this post, there will be another one on the way soon but also it will go from being about Leeds G.I.C to talking about my troubles getting to see an Endocrinologist. Which was pretty intense.

Thinking of a friend

After the call from Leeds G.I.C it was a bit of a bittersweet thing, as I’m happy that I’m finally progressing but behind the scenes and this wasn't mentioned during this post. There was one person that I got close to via Facebook from a makeup group and she watched most if not all my lives on Facebook. She was the first person I would tell when it came to my transition and a few other things. I was always met with positivity and the feedback was always great. Unfortunately, she passed away just over a week before the interview with Leeds G.I.C and after I got off the phone with them I broke down in tears. I will never forget when I broke the news that I got my referral to Leeds G.I.C and the reply I got. All I can say is I will never give up just like you never gave up on me. R.I.P my friend every massive step I take I will always think of you and it will never be the same. Thank you for your support on my lives and for my transition. I will never forget it as I will never forget you. I'm gutted you will never get the chance to see me as the person I will become but I will I will make sure I will own it as you would want me. Goodbye hun R.I.P 

Thanks for reading

Sarah

R.I.P 22 Ari's Angels

A quick thought

They say time heals all wounds! These past 12 months I kind of only think it’s a white lie to suppress any denial for someone close to us that didn’t get their chance to say their goodbyes, or for something sudden to happen which will change our life’s forever that will always have an impact so bad you can really never stop thinking about it.

I try to always stay positive no matter what and think how can I think/turn this negative experience to somewhat positive? One of the biggest things I feel is that it brings people together and opens doors to meet new people that share the same passion as you, or might be someone that loves and cared for the same person as you. All I can say before I go into this post is; Never let go of hope, because there will always be someone that will be there for you, and will help you to pick yourself up.

Manchester, Music & Togetherness

22nd May, Manchester Arena was targeted in a bomb attack which shocked us all and taking the lives of 22 people. Most were people coming out of the concert, some was picking up loved ones. 

I woke up at midnight as I was sleeping at the time and I always look at my phone, I then saw it. I quickly turned on my tv and it was there. I soon broke down in tears and couldn’t believe it. 

Music is a massive part of my life, I love going to gigs. I also love Manchester it’s where I go frequently. I’ve never been a massive arena fan, to be honest as I’ve always loved smaller venues where you can see the people you want to watch better and the sound for me is better, but Manchester arena holds a massive part of my life with music as it was the first time I went to a gig. The band I saw was 30 Seconds to Mars. It was amazing... I wasn’t keen on the support bands though. Anyway, that is the reason why the arena holds such a big place in my heart and I will never forget it. 

I love music pretty much whatever the genre, as long as it can go loud I'm there.

Like many others this will never leave my heart nor will me and many others forget. For some this is a tragedy, for me this is extremely personal to me and I wonder if people have the same connections? Pretty much what I said above. I love Manchester, I love music, My first gig was the arena, I love gigs. A big thing I like is when I sometimes get talking to people or I hear people saying this is my first ever gig, when children are there and it’s their first gig also, it’s happened to me twice where I’ve spoken to people one was late teens at their first concert and the other was with a parent that took their child to their first gig and luckily, I saw them near me and when the band came on and seeing that look on a child’s face was amazing. Knowing you had that first concert experience and now other people that were experiencing it a child or not. I love being in a queue at gigs because there’s generally never any hate at all, you generally share that passion for a band or singer and I’ve never had a dull moment and instantly connect with people. I’ve been lucky over the years to meet people and became friends or talk on Facebook on rare occasions even drink with bands afterwards also.

That is one of many reasons why this is personal to me as there are not just little ones that will be scared for life, some will never go to another concert again, some will go but not have a good time as they should be doing because they have lost trust. “No one should go to a concert and worry about not getting home.”

One year after.

With the one-year anniversary approaching, lots have changed in Manchester. The security is high, and if you wanted to go up to the arena from Victoria station away from where the train section is blocked off until events are on. There were signs saying no backpacks so generally only travel light, this is for searches and to make them quicker. No food or drink is allowed to be taken into the venue like you used to either. 

The Manchester working Bee was always a symbol of Manchester but not it is more prominent around the city.

Sunday 20^th May I decided to take a trip into Manchester and see if there was an event planned as I’m sure not as many people will be able to make any of the event planned for Tuesday. I didn’t really see anything apart from the beautiful trees dotted around where you could write a message on and tie it to a tree.

There was an event running that was ‘The Great Manchester Run’ it was a 10k event but it had points where you could stop the race and you weren’t told that you had to do the full 10k if you didn’t want to. They had 1-minute silence for the victims and then played out ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ by Oasis which was sung by thousands of people. I don’t like Oasis personally but it was so applicable here and it brought tears to my eyes, where someone random person from the race gave me a hug who was also in tears. I love Manchester.

I decided to go home after I took a few pictures and went home. A massive well done to all the runners that took part.

Tuesday 22^nd May One Year On

The day really started at a trip to my doctors which was about how to acquire hormones which I will talk about in another post, from there it was straight to Manchester.

Manchester was busy as you could imagine. The people full of all coloured clothing from pink to white shirts with the symbol of the bee or I ♥ Manchester/I ♥ MCR. I decided to have a quick look round at the venue which was Albert Square where everyone that was involved was getting ready for the big event. I decided to take this opportunity and walk around Manchester and I came across the fountain at St. Ann’s Square where last year as many know people laid thousand of flowers. It was very overwhelming and I was wiping tears from my eyes, only for a random stranger that saw me and came to give me a hug. The atmosphere was still strong and the people that were there to pay their respects was great you could just sneeze and someone would be saying “bless you.”

I decided to walk to the arena thinking there would be something there… pretty wrong. All there was when I got there, was 2 balloons with the numbers 22 and a couple of flowers tied on the railings. It wasn’t till I got into Victoria Train Station that the memorial for the Victims had grown in size.

After that, I decided to go and wait in Albert Square, where after a 20/30 minute waiting we were allowed in but with a brief bag check, with 30 minutes wait, I was chatting to some people that were from Milton Keynes and was in Manchester for training and wanted to pay their respects. When the service came on I was very tearful and when people were talking you could tell how much it meant to everyone as everyone that was watching was silent and when we had a minute of silence for the 22 and I’ve never heard Manchester so quiet at all… Even being surround by about 3000 people you could hear a pin drop.   

I didn’t stay for the sing along as I had to leave because of the issue with the trains, but I was there for the choirs that came on and I’m not into choirs but that what I watch and witnessed was just amazing and it was happy to be apart of it even though it’s something that should have never have happened.

Conclusion

I like many others might not have been born and raised in Manchester but we have adopted it, it has the best music, it has a great shopping experience and will always leave you with great memories apart from that dreadful night. Every time I ventured into the city I always thought of the victims, I always thought of the people families and when I went to watch Trivium in Manchester last month before they came on I closed my eyes and thought of them again as they were at a music concert also.

At the Trivium gig

All I can say to end this is; terror will never win, you will never stop the music and it will keep playing and we will gather together stronger and sing for these people. Every year we will come back and show the world we are still not afraid.

R.I.P to all the 22. Keep lighting up Manchester and sleep tight

Don't think I could have used a better picture (scene from full monty)

Welcome back to part two of 'The Road To Being Me'

Over these last 12 months for those that have been following my blog every time where blog posts have to be split into parts life gets in the way and will delay things and unfortunately, it has happened again and was total heartbreak for me which I may come to another time.

Last time I had just signed on for JSA and it was heartbreaking and this is what followed, hope you enjoy.

Part 2: Low of the low

Money
Signing up for JSA was a life turning event, I was worried about how was I was going to change my life around? How will I manage money wise as then I had these to pay for as of January;

1. Rent money for my dad (was lowered to £100)
2. Phone bill £55
3. Ipad bill £45 (£90 to pay off)
4. Xbox £50 ( £150 left on credit)
5. TV £43 (£200 on finance)
6. Gym £19.99 (was cancelled shortly after)
7. Netflix £7.50 (cancelled a couple of months later)
8. Food/Gas/Electric (was about £40 per week)
9. Bank bill £15 + 0.50 per day (roughly)
10. Monthly bus fee £65 (every 28 days)

Which comes to £440.49 (excluding the daily bank bills)

All this off £75 per week. Luckily with full pay from my last job plus a decent wage for January and a little over time from December.

In February I managed to pay off or cancel services;

1. Gym £19.99 per month (cancelled)
2. iPad £43 per month saved (I had 2 months left to pay so I paid the balance off at £86)
3. Xbox £50 ( £150 overall spread over 9 months where I could pay this off at any time June deadline paid off)

Saving per month £112.99 leaving me with a more manageable £327.50 per month, with stopping my bus pass saving another £65 to where my money was more in control but on the verge of collapse if I slipped up financially and also if I didn't have a job and pay for May I would have been screwed.

 Where I lived we had snow in March (vid 1) 

JSA

Before I was to start JSA I had a thought and that was I have no job and that means not taking time off to do important things... This is where my life started to change. I changed my doctors and had my medical and decided to start my official road to transition to female. So I'm now on a waiting list with goals set before I have my first appointment. (Link will be at the bottom of the page)



Now back on to the JSA appointment. Last week I decided to put all pride aside and apply for Job Seekers Allowance and I went for my assessment. This week was my first JSA meeting. So I meet with the job coach that told me to carry on what I was doing via going on buses to Manchester, Wigan, Leigh and the Trafford centre to look for CV opportunities and look online just I would be recording it. I was booked in to see the National Careers service a week later which wasn't much help apart from telling me to change my CV (turned out to be the main thing.. so pretty helpful) aand for me to apply for college.

At the end of the appointment, my work coach mentioned that I wouldn't be seeing her for 5 weeks as they were away for training for Univeral Credit and this would still mean coming back into to sign on but that was the only information I was given... after that, it became hell.

Hilton Manchester Deansgate Hotel

For two months I would walk long distances between buses or walk around the Trafford centre twice then catch the bus into Manchester before going home and that would be 5/6 hours being out, surviving off small things like a chicken mayo's from Mcdonalds and little bottles of fizzy pop from Home Bargains and I would take days out where I would just be online looking for work and shortlisting jobs when I was in between places which pretty much for 3 and a half months this was pretty much it. This was tiring as it wasn't just physical it was mentally draining as I was constantly worried about how would I survive with my outgoings and also with my dad as he has retired and isn't getting a great income coming in either.

I will save time with posts by saying that my diet for almost 5 months was eating pure crap and unhealthy food from £1 pizzas to chicken chargrills and things with loads of bread and I've put so much weight on as I had cancelled the gym by the end of January.

Where I lived we had snow in March (vid 2)

Group signing on sessions

This felt like us signing on no work required 

In mid-February, I went to sign on with JSA and it turned out they were understaffed because of the Univeral Credit and for the next 8 weeks I would be signing on in group sessions which really was a group of around 10 people going into a room and then have their name called out sign a book and then we were on our way. No help, no guidance or nothing which for people that didn't want a job this was amazing to do nothing. I spoke to one of the work coaches and asked for another workbook as mine was filling up the person to say "Don't worry about it."

I got my book and kept on filling it in and even when I managed to get an appointment with a work coach which was messed up because they didn't even let me know and had to be rearranged... In March the time had come to see a work coach and guess what happened??? "I'm doing a bad thing here, just sign and go." Not what I wanted as the job centre has employers that come in to interview people interview people and I was never told anything and they were useless. No job clubs was happening or anything.

In the middle of March, I had enough of looking on Indeed as I was not getting any luck and decided to move to Reed which Wow I had loads of success mainly from employment agencies. It wasn't off reed though where I got my job I'm at now but I got plenty of interviews or off employers to places I couldn't go because of travel issues.


CV

I changed my CV after discussing this with someone from the National Careers service, they are there to advise you on where to go but really it's not that much they can tell you. They can help you with your CV which they told me how to tweak mine as mine was already good. They told me to apply for college, and offer free work which at that stage was a NO. I could claim travel back but I would also need food and I'm not being exploited for a full day and no pay to where I can or cannot get a job out of it. so off I went to change my cv and that is when my job hunting changed on Reed and I started to get the phone calls off employees and agencies. My CV is below.

Thanks for reading I will try and pop out a new post which is about how I got my job as soon possible but I will be looking at other posts in the meantime.

Click 'HERE' for my post about how I got on the waiting list at Leeds Identity Clinic

Thanks for reading

Sarah