Welcome back to part 5 of this journey. This post is just before the covid outbreak. I was physically fit, I applied for the British Army Reserves for the Royal Signals. Everything was going so well. Little did I or the whole world would be about to crash. This post starts from around February 2020 and will bring us out to around late February/early February.

1/1/2020

February 2020

Okay, so we start off in February, Hormones have been going great, my boobs have grown considerably well, better than expected and the patches were great. I don’t think anything could go wrong with getting hold of the patches easy… Or so I thought! As always I would get about a month's worth which was two boxes. I would always be 2 weeks in front just in case my chemist couldn’t get hold of them. This was the case in February!

This meant booking an emergency appointment with my doctor as well the past records show my doctor and even clinic isn’t great at agreeing with me until I see them so I thought stuff it. I want a prescription brought up as I was there. When I saw him my doctor was a bit hesitant about prescribing me tablets for my hormones. My case was my liver levels have come down a lot, I was in front of my GP practice when it came to check up on my bloods and my body was the fittest it has ever been so my doctor had no reason not to. Bear in mind that a year before after losing a stone I was on the phone to my endocrinologist asking about tablets and the results was as long as my liver levels were at safe levels nI would be fine to switch. 

21st February 2020 (Day 1)

My advice if your doctor is a pain in the ass is to see them personally when switching rather than writing out a repeat prescription as when you are face to face I find it is rare they will say now. I am aware not all doctors are open-minded and still stuck in the past. Anyway, result I got my prescription and for 3 months I would stay on 1mg of estrogen for 3 months and see how much it would put my oestrogen levels up.

The Army Reserves

At that time I was also currently applying for the army reserves which was a frustrating process right from the very beginning. My advice for the army is to really research the roles you want to go in. I was unsure and the messing around I had to go through before I found the right place for me and the website is extremely confusing and frustrating giving inaccurate information about the roles that they offer. So one role thinks it was Cyber Security actually do not recruit for and you have to go through the government website for. Another role I think was for artillery did say on the website for the Reserves but when you enquired but it then it was on for regular. Eventually, I found a role that I felt suited me and that was for The Signals. I love technology overall so this was down my passon really. I managed to get through the mini-interview and onto a pre-assessment which I did well and managed to get my hands on an AS-80 Rifle. In that, we actually learned to strip down the weapon and put it together… I LOVED IT!!! I have been stripping down electronics and putting them back together since I was 7 years old this turned out to be an easy task for me. 

Anyway, the feedback I got was amazing and I was on top of the world could not be happier. It was a case of getting ready to book my assessment. I knew I would pass the fitness but I would have to adjust my training and run on the streets to hit the one and a quarter-mile in 11:30 Minutes that was set. Easy right? Nope because the next day I got home and I was rejected on medical grounds! So because I am currently transitioning this means I am medically unfit to perform army duties. The reason was that I would have to do regular checkups.

The issue is in the army reserves you are treated like you would be a regular soldier, which is wrong! The reason for this is because in the reserves you do 3 hours a week for me on a Tuesday night. I would have to do two sessions where I would have to spend a week away but in the UK as the role, I was applying for is UK based. So at no time would any of my transition excluding my operation recovery time would it affect the army. My bloods and hormone blocker injections have to be done every 3 months and would be done either on an alternative day or in the morning. At that point, I had been on the waiting list for 2 years and another year to wait! Something good did come of it though which might help you even if you’re not going to the army. So they requested my full medical history and they would be paying for it also. So because of my little understanding of my GP’s practice, they gave me everything from when I was a kid! This meant I had all correspondence from everyone that is involved with my transition, from Harrogate and even Leeds. Which would come in hand a year later. 

A week after I sent this off I got a reply on my army hub and their final decision was for me to be medically unfit they added that transitioning would be stressful generally… Yes, they were just automatically assumed everything. I was incredibly upset because I changed all my fitness around to cater for the army and to be told I would be fine then after going through all of that, to then be told its army policy which at that time did not state anywhere about this. This led to a massive downwards spiral in my mental health. 

This lead us to the start of May 2020 by then we were on a full lockdown which started at the end of March think it was the 23rd. That is where everything went tits up for my hormones!

It’s All Gone Tits up!

The biggest issue wasn’t just the army but it was the start of everything that could go wrong. So Laser Hair Removal stopped because of covid, which caused a massive issue on my journey. As for everyone that has followed my journey the laser was the last major thing on my goal list where I would be able to be myself and covid took it from me. I felt like I had been shot or stabbed. Like most people, I felt it would be over within a few weeks but no it wasn’t to be. I accepted my fate and stopped all hope of getting anywhere with my looks and my mental health just started to go on a spiral to where it would go out of control.

The biggest part was when yet to come, my clinic. Everything was going very well, even with my clinic but when June arrive that was when everything changed. GP/doctors were not seeing anyone and this also meant for who was going to inject my hormone blocker also? My and my dad spent ages. My clinic was well beyond useless and was not telling me who I could see and that my GP had not been turning up for work either, so alarm bells sounded there. 

My Dad’s clinic remains open and my clinic was a group of 3. The other one was based in my Dad’s surgery and they knew who I was and agreed to inject me with my blocker. They said if I need to I could see them again. Okay, cool problem sorted in case of next time… Nope not at all. Over the course of the lockdown, everything got worse. My doctor was still not turning up for work, which I later found out he was transferred to another clinic within that group, and doctors that were seeing to me was not even reading my notes and cancelling my prescription and at one point I went 2 weeks without my hormones. This was around August 2020 time. A month later came my second injection for my blocker… Yeah, that never happened. I rang them and they said they never had a nurse who could see me and was not who could. I rang the clinic that gave me the injection the last time around and they had no record of it and would not see me. After trying to sort something out I had no luck and come halfway through October 2020 I was 1 1/2 months overdue my blocker. By this time I decided to move to my Dad’s clinic. The only thing they were not and are still not doing is face to face appointments with the doctor. It was hard coming over as they lost all my notes and as I changed my name that meant a fresh NHS Number and a fresh NHS record. Yep, no one in the trans Community on Youtube tells you that so be prepared if they do. They said to me changing my name means a new identity. 

The GP I am assigned to had our first chat and honestly, he was the biggest prick ever. Like my Dad stopped me going down there and kicking off and apparently he is like this with everyone. So old decrepit and thinks he knows everything. Because they didn’t have my blood levels noted he would not go off what I was saying and would not reschedule either. He wouldn’t let me take my official documents down to get the admin guys to put it on the systems. However, I did this and asked to be seen by a different GP. That however changed everything. Because I had all my documents he looked at my recent bloods and he let me up to my estrogen. My advice is to take risks. Not all Gp’s know everything and the older generation based on my experience and other trans people I have spoken to are just stubborn and locked in old ways and old ways of thinking. Never budge and always ask for someone else if you’re made to feel comfortable, but also make your voice heard, especially if you have all official documentation. You will get nowhere else otherwise. 

Feb 2020 - April 2021 - Changes

The changes going from patches to pills really is wow! Mainly around the breast area. I measure with a friend and this came to a 40D. I need to get professionally measured. Part of me was overweight at the time… Still am at the time of writing this. My skin is softer, but another huge thing that changed is my hair. 

All changes can vary person to person. For me the pain I got from my Brest growing was very painful, and I have stretch marks also, I was recommended bio oil to help get rid of them and I noticed they also faded over time. I was surprised that the pain woke me up at night and went on for a couple of days. I can say I am happy now where I do not need my Brest foams anymore.

I have been taking biotin tablets from Holland and Barrett which cost me £20 (BUY ONE GET ONE FOR 1p) they was a high dose and wow they have worked. I think it will take another 2 years to get my hair back if it does but we shall see from here. I took a picture and compare from 2018 before I started hormones also. I have had a few people tell me they think my face has changed but I disagree and think it is down to when I have lost weight and put it back on. That is all I can report on. Again I really need to stress that hormones are not an overnight cure and the effects can take 2 years to full take effect. This can be soon and in other blogs I started to notice changes in weeks. I would also like to add for male to female hormones to my knowledge do not alter the pitch of your voice especially after puberty. This has to be trained unfortunately. 

That is it for this part. The next part will explore more on to the clinic side and will start from 1/1/2021. This year (2021) has been something else and a huge change in my transition and I hope to get this up very soon. 

Not the best picture in 2018 but it is to show there is hope,

Thank you for reading and I hope you stay safe.

Sarah

xxx

Click on the parts to take you there 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

It’s been so so long since I wrote a post on here never mind it being almost 3 years since I did a post about makeup, but this post has been the hardest and I don’t mean emotionally but I’ve really had to think about it and for the first time I’ve written this topic out multiple times. One was too bitchy, the other was too long and the other was… well meh. So how can I get all the bitchy, the too long like 5000 words too long post and not… well meh into a smaller post?

It’s like this really I’m going have a couple paragraph about my past and chat a bit of crap then go onto what I’m using then talk about the brushes that I’m using now… So here goes!

Blackpool out for the first time looking overweight and just wrong

2014, I’ve just accepted into learning about myself people not knowing blah blah blah to where I discovered joblots on eBay and went mental, unknowing to what blending is and what shades of foundations are for my skin... Like what the balls is bronzer anyway! Think I used bronzer for all of my face once for a for a laugh… it didn’t work out well. I was using fingers and little buds you get with eye shadow pallets, using blues looking like a prostitute that didn’t have a clue. I was using Foundations that is the same colour as my concealer now to cover my stubble and believe folks it is dark. Over the years I built up a collection, not as big as others, room in my tiny flat is an issue.

Wigs!! People love wigs… If you was me and bought a fancy dress £7 one and looked like a lad in drag round Blackpool on a night out… or during the day! Yes, I looked hideous and could of got so much worse if I went out in the world, luckily I realised how much of a bellend I looked! I knew pretty quickly then and purchased a better wig which you could use hair straighteners with and that changed everything… just not how I did my makeup. Within the same year… and a trip round Blackpool to realise (how the hell my friend with me at the time is still my friend now) how much I needed to develop how I looked and develop quickly!

One year between them year between them! 

My makeup quickly went from crappy foundations you find on eBay and my local Post Office. Anyway, it went to Avon… okay, not the best but from there to Max Factor where my look really changed and set me on a path to where I am now... well-ish. But it went to MAC, Estee Lauder and now NYX… yes NYX!

I bet your thinking how the hell you go from a £40 bottle of one of the best foundations… A flagship foundation to a £7 plastic tube from NYX? The Answer is because it stays on my face when I get hot and stays there! From contouring, eye shadow everything has changed, and now pretty much use high-end makeup from Kat Von D, YSL to Anastasia Beverly Hills, with mascara it’s been an uphill battle as you don’t get along shelf-life with this and I think the best up to now has been Paradise by L’Oreal.

Battle of The Brushes

Over the last couple of year’s brushes has been a big thing for me. I feel that they make a massive difference… Even though I feel I am still bad at makeup, sometimes I go back in time and think what the hell was thinking! I started off with the same old bush sets from China you know like the 35 piece set for like £5 where you wait 3 weeks to receive them and as soon as they touch your face they would just disintegrate. I think I managed to have 5 that survived after the first use… Think I spent more time finding out what they were used for than actually using the bushes!

This is just used as an example

Anyway, after that I headed to Body Shop and bought my first set of at the time I think was expensive brushes. I think you got 5 for £50 and they are I think as standalone brushes pretty much similar pricing too high-end brands like MAC, KVD to name a couple. But after three and a half years they are still going and are still used, to be honest, but soon to be retired. They are animal cruelty-free and synthetic hair. I got some No.7 from Boots and they were just well crap. They hurt when using and always used to bring my foundation off. I will always say 2016 was my best year to date for confidence to how I did my makeup and it was the Body Shop brushes that created the looks. Unfortunately when you start to enjoy something you learn more about different brands! Considering I lived with my dad (still do), have a full-time job and don’t drive! The extra money drives you to want more and try different stuff, and it became very addictive which isn’t like me.

Body Shop, No.7 (gold brushes) and the random kabuki brush in the middle (oldest brush I have)

In 2016, I went to Scotland but I was also a mission to search for better brushes as I felt I couldn’t get on with any other brand than Body Shop. I came across Laura Gellar brush set and they are pretty cute as they come in a bag and they are pretty good brushes. However! They still were lacking what I wanted and wasn’t great at blending and through 2017 to most of 2018 which I didn’t present much as female and practising making up just didn’t really happen.

Makeup brushes have been a massive talking point for years on a makeup group I’m in. I created arguments which got nasty and out of hand so many times. My lives were even flooded with debates between the two bands. The brands are Spectrum Collection and Morphe. They were always neck and neck on votes. One would win one week then the other next week.

Many people would say the Spectrum look amazing but the Morphe was better for applying makeup, some would say Morphe was just better etc and Spectrum vice versa. I think both brands are pretty young. I think Morphe was created in 2008 and Spectrum was founded 5 years ago.

Fast forward to 21^st October 2018 was the day my mind was made up on which brushes to buy… It was Spectrum. I went to Professional Beauty North, where I went to see what the whole beauty convention was about and would be a good eye opener for me, to which it didn’t disappoint. There is nice dark to light story here which I might write about on a different post.

My outfit for the Convention, I have no idea how to wear a beret.

In black and white Professional Beauty North convention for businesses that work in the beauty industry and bloggers alike to name only the tip of it. I met up with a friend for an hour or two which she was a modal for one of the companies, which then I was on my own… to where I spent more money than I should... Then I came across the Spectrum Stand. I only knew one thing which was basically two sisters made brushes in a shed to where they expanded etc and that was it. I remember speaking to a girl that had a great smile and seemed nice and down to earth, not thinking it was one of the founders (Hannah) of Spectrum. Was only till I mentioned about brushes and the only thing I knew about the brand. Hannah went “that’s us!” and pointed to her sister Sophie.

I went into the booth looked at the brushes as the booth went quiet briefly so I had Hannah and Sophie going through the collections they brought with them… If I had my job at that time I think I would have bankrupted myself. So I bought my first ever brush set from Spectrum Collections and I way overspent on my budget like double buying these! To be honest, even though I overspent two things happened that day. I met the owners of Spectrum who are awesome! It also ended the two years of “Battle of The Brushes“.

I really didn't like my look, was a new wig and my makeup melted on my forehead

I’ve managed to use the brushes a good few times and I love them, they blend like a dream, don’t hurt my face when I’ve messed up and had to try again, I  feel it didn't overspend I don't think I would be have been happier with my current brushes. I feel with the Body Shop I have had to use force and put more effort into using the brushes but also use more product, with the Brushes from Spectrum I have never had an issue with. I always look forward to using them also…

And the best part is! Being at Professional Beauty North was just the beginning and as said before I hope soon I will be able to tell you more to why!

Absence

I’ve had many e-mails and messages over social media with people asking about my transition and where I am with it and have I progressed? I would just like to reassure you I will be writing more posts soon. 2018 was very brutal and a very busy year. The last six months have been a roller-coaster for me, to where at one point I fell quickly to almost rock bottom, every time I would try to get up I was being kicked down to where at one point I really felt I was about a week away to just ending my own life. Now I am rebuilding I can say a lot has happened and I will be talking about most of it over various topics such as my transition, jobs, mental health (depression, anxiety, and suicide), and a side project. I hope something else will continue on from this post, but that I cannot say anything about yet, I will need help from some special people for it.

Thanks for reading see you guys soon.  

Hi everyone it’s been a while!

Since the end of October last year (2017) my life has really been a mixture of good and bad, at the moment I can’t say it’s great but more on that another time. In brief is I’m currently unemployed and claiming JSA and really hate it, to the point where it’s depressing me and giving me headaches almost every day where the pain just goes behind my eyes. Being unemployed is something I’m not used to as I’ve pretty much worked from leaving school and being unemployed is really just exhausting, but again that will be for another post. The name of this post will definitely be an ongoing post as when I get referred I don’t just go to the place a couple of weeks later. We’re talking 12 months plus wait, and during that time I intended to do as much possible to help me achieve what I need to in life and be the best person I can be but also once I’ve sorted other issues out and then will try to see what I can help others.

This post is about a new part of my journey and a fence that has been blocking me for 2 years. This is getting on a waiting list for a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic). This was a goal from last year but unfortunately, things got in the way and delayed it, and I spent most of my free time in the gym, which helped in many ways rather than just getting fit… which really has gone to waste now. Anyway, I thought with the free time I have it’s a chance to change my life around so I sat and thought about how I am going to start my journey through the NHS and for me to get with GIC. First, though I need to be referred by my GP? This was a challenge as last time I went (2016) I wasn’t taken very seriously and I wasn’t well through being rushed into hospital a few days before but anyway I didn’t get the help that I needed, I wasn’t even taken seriously. I left the medical centre I was at humiliated, so the question was; Is it worth making an appointment for maybe the same issue?

Changing GP Practise

NO! I decided to change my GP practice as I was out of range for my last clinic really and I was still registered at my mum’s old address which now we don’t talk and is looking like we never will either and she doesn’t even know that I’m transitioning. So, I thought a new year,a new start, no job to messed around booking appointments and all to go for it and I spent a few days getting pumped up also. Before I joined the GP Clinic I’m at now I spoke to one of my neighbour’s daughter and was recommended this one that I used to walk past every day to work for almost 5/6 years and never knew it was a GP’s Clinic. A couple of days later I signed up and had a medical 2 weeks later.

First appointment

After I pass my medical which was a few questions I soon booked my appointment with the GP which I was nervous about because of the first experience I had. I had just over a week to wait… during the countdown I developed my first virus/Aussie flu (apparently) 4 days before my GP’s appointment and this was also the first time I’ve been ill since when I was rushed into hospital when I went to talk about my gender last time so history was repeating itself which really scared the hell out of me. Over the weekend it was bad and I was bedridden for 3 days but the rest did me good and for the Tuesday appointment day I was just weak but nervous. I walked in and came out with it and told the GP that I was trans and spoke about my history and also about how I was treated in my last GP’s practise which he was shocked. Unfortunately, the GP’s practise is very small and he wasn’t sure what the procedure is, but to be honest I wasn’t 100% either.

I was too weak to challenge the GP I wanted it on record more than anything and return more prepared and not weak. After I spoke to him he was certain that the first step was to see someone from mental health for an assessment before being transferred to a GIC, which I know was the old method and I knew that it was to be changed but didn’t know that it had. So, I thought let them learn he said that he has to do a little bit of research on the matter and then see where to go from there and I would get a letter within 3 weeks… I put a date on my calendar for 4 weeks as the NHS isn’t a quick system. 13^th March was the deadline I gave at this point before I would take action.

Within 4 days I had a letter that I had been referred to a mental health psychiatrist which I thought was still wrong nor was I informed of this move, but I thought to leave it and see where it goes for a few weeks as this gave me a little time to worry about a finding a job and do a little research about the process of the GIC referral, as I wasn’t waiting a year to be mentally assessed if I didn’t need to. Within less than 2 weeks I had a phone call from the psychiatrist and when I spoke to her she really couldn’t give me an answer so I decided not to take it any further as a thought it would be wasting my time, the NHS’s time as well as money and slot for someone that needed it.

Appointment 2

A couple of days after the phone call I soon made another appointment to see where I could take this and see if I could get anywhere. After being there early my appointment was 40 mins late and there was snow on the ground also. The GP was a substitute and I pretty much had to go through the history again. I was armed with the all the papers to say I can be referred directly to the GIC but he wouldn’t at first. He said he didn’t want to override what my doctor did and because the women from the mental health didn’t write any notes to say they couldn’t do anything or me refusing to take it further. That was where I told him that he would be wasting mine and the NHS’s time for the same thing to happen again. I decided to get my phone out and show him pictures of where I was to where I am now which he couldn’t believe… that soon made him change his mind and he decided to write out my referral to a GIC clinic… Win-win or so I thought.

Again, I’ve hit another blockade. GP’s can only get so much training with all the illnesses out there etc it something I understood, with where I live being a small community getting people that is trans is very small so they’re not going to encounter this much if not at all. They have to act on what they know which for me is fine as they can learn from this experience I believe. Anyway, the issue I’m facing is that they are saying they have to refer me to a local clinic and the furthest away would be Manchester… Unfortunately, which I told him that there isn’t one and the closest would be Leeds!

He spoke to the practitioner which also said the same thing and when I passed the information on they said they would get back to me… Which almost a week later I’ve received nothing. So, I’ve given my clinic the benefit of the doubt and a week to find out and ring me. It took me less than 5 mins to find out the information and it is on the NHS website that any GP can refer you to any of the 8 GIC’s clinics in the UK and You do not need a mental health assessment… when I got outside of the clinic all the snow had melted, which was a massive blow as I really like snow.

This is where I am at up to now. People have been having a go on social media at me for not being stern enough with my clinic but I know the clinic does want to help me and have done more for me in just over a month than the last place I was at ever did. I want to help them to help me as if they do get another trans person they will know how to help them. Right now, I have loads going on in my life so with this being split it also means I can concentrate on other issues. The main thing is that I now have a referral I just need it to somewhere. (you can get multiple referrals also which the other I will try for Sheffield)

Following up

I was going to leave it there but due to the not so adverse weather conditions, I’ve not really been out but I did get an update.

Okay, so as I was about to leave it at the “2^nd Appointment” but I didn’t get pictures I needed and time just quickly passed and I didn’t get the opportunity to upload this post, so I thought I would fill you all in. When I left my last appointment on the 27^th Feb I had my referral written and nowhere for it to go. It was a good thing but bad also. I knew I was right but I thought I would let them figure it out, I was told that the practitioner would ring me and get in contact with me to confirm what would be happening. When I announced this on my Facebook, I did get a few messages off a good few people saying I should have stood my ground etc and some were borderline next to abuse towards me.

I did care I had a plan, I’m a person that doesn’t like to go in all guns blazing I’m too mellow for that now, I also want to help them to help me and hopefully from this experience to help others. The plan was for me give the clinic a week (Tuesday 6^th March) to get back to me, if not I would be down there for an update and where I stand… I didn’t receive a phone call. The deadline was set so I went down there, luckily the girl at the reception remembered me and gave me the green light.

This means they have referred me and referred me to Leeds Gender Identity Clinic which is where I wanted to go… Apparently, though she said they couldn’t get me in any other clinics… hmmm, not what it says on the NHS website, but to be honest I don’t care. I’m so happy because it’s now official that the stage has now been set and is now moving forward so I can be the person that I want to be and I will be getting the help I need… But that part will be for another time as it needs to happen. This has taken so much stress off my shoulder right now and it means I can now focus on getting employed and hopefully solve any money issues before they arise. Too many people will be thinking it’s just a referral big whoop. This is more than just a referral, it is standing up and wanting to be human and wanting to live the life I was meant to live. This is me giving the finger to my last health clinic I was at that didn’t help me. Unfortunately, we have to shape our own destiny as you won’t be referred unless you do stand up and be counted. Never let one person stop you it might take some time to get over being humified like I felt but I never gave up and neither should you for anything really. Keep your head held high and push forward. I want to thank everyone that helped me to get where I am now.

Here is a link for you if you want to have a quick read, I printed this off and took it to my GP the second time round and it worked.

https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Transhealth/Pages/local-gender-identity-clinics.aspx

Thanks for reading and will see you guys soon

Sarah

xxx