Massive Hi to all of you

This post is about my youth and how it seems to have some similar links to CM Punk (Phil Brooks).

In my last post I mentioned CM Punk. He has become a massive inspiration to me for almost 3 years. Watching him be awesome in the ring and having a great attitude (when he was not playing the heel/bad guy) but it was when I watch his DVD "CM PUNK; THE BEST IN THE WORLD" that really hit me on how much we had a few similar stuff in common when he was outside of the ring and in our personal lives when we where younger. The biggest was having an alcoholic within our family or for me in my life. 

For CM Punk it was his father, for me it was my mother boyfriend that lived with us for a while, and when he didn't he still played a part of it. It started for me when I was about 7 years of age, parents not long divorced and a man that came in to my life that was tall, slim and at the time awesome. Soon did I learn that was not the case. What started as my mother arguing ended up with me getting involved in a life of abuse from physical to verbal and witnessing some horrible fights. The worse thing as kids I always thought it was all my fault. As a kid you don't know any better. I wasn't very old and I was into gaming just like I am now. I always wanted a Game Boy Colour and I knew that I was getting one and on Christmas Eve my mother and her boyfriend had a massive argument and what I thought died down, but ended up being the start of the worse thing that could happen to a child. My mum ended up getting a call early hours of Christmas morning from him and he ended up walking out as we was asleep and took the spare set of keys to the house and to get them back we had to trade the presents he bought for us which included what should of been my gameboy colour (even now I cold chills taking about it). My mother explained to me which at the time I was close to tears but it fell to me to open the Gameboy. 

Christmas was ruined before it begun. 

Even after that it my mother continued to date this evil man for a few years more.

CM Punk never really gave to much away but one of them was when he was a kid his Dad was some sort of coach for his school baseball team and he was in his car on the way home when his Dad was vomiting a lot on the journey home. Not a great sight for any child to see without knowing the cause. Think Punk thought it was cancer etc and ended up taking a bike ride crying, but as a kid how would you understand? Seeing a parent ill as a child is the worst thing ever as what can you do to help or understand? The only thing that he was massively different was that Punk never claimed his Dad as a drunk that abuses, just the affects of what it did to his Dad, and the argument and fights that his parents went through kind of how I saw the same arguments between my Mum and her boyfriend.

But for me it might have not been family but it was someone that was close that was involved and we had to witness some similar events. You only need to watch Jeremy Kyle, Jerry Springer and other similar shows and when you see something about an alcoholic and I suppose someone that abuses substances and the issues are always the same.

I suppose it only hit me late on probably late teens when I was working at McDonald's where every Sunday someone would come on shift drunk or extremely hungover. It made the shift hell. Watching people running to the toilet being sick, being moody taking up loads of chairs to lie down because they was still tired or hung over. It just made me think looking at them as they didn't look like they was having a good time, it didn't seem like they was having fun. might have been a few hours before work or during the night but it didn't pay off and it didn't seem like my type of fun. So after seeing all that it brought back memories of my mother's boyfriend and I ended up not drinking for 3 years. 

Drugs was something I never was into I smoked a bit of weed here and there but not where I had my own dealer and bought some for myself, even that I haven't had for some time if not before I did 3 years of not having any alcohol. Main reasons for that similar to hangovers, was when I watch my friends being constantly sick from smoking to much. Not my idea of fun.

After reading about Straight Edge I realized that is what I was at the time. I didn't drink, I didn't do drug and I didn't smoke. Straight Edge can be taken how the individual see it. There are some people out there that don't take illegal drug to some that won't take any drug legal or not. I refused the local anesthetic when I had my ingrowing toe nails removed... The pain scale was extremely awful but it was my choice to refuse it. It's a bit of a snotty (Can't think of the right word I want to use) culture, its like "I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. So I better than you!" That wasn't what I did as I don't see myself as that type of person that judges people on how they want to live... I always say "I'm the best." Its more of a tool to me as if I say "I'm the best" then I need to show it so I will push myself to the limit to show I am. I feel that everyone should feel that way, and I have said that for many years before I even knew who CM Punk was. It just seems to link me with some of CM Punk's attitude.

The biggest thing about me is that I won't give up on what I want to achieve I will stick it out as long as I can, the only way I will change course is if something I think is going to be better or can lead me on to a better direction. That is what CM Punk is about., getting what you need because if you you can't you need to move on, as soon as possible.

At McDonald's I was never a yes man like some store managers want, I was never the person to brown nose and say how far do you want me to go. That will go for most companies also, I wanted to be a shift manager, I went out of my way to do what ever just not ass kissing. When it came asking about being promoted the the store manager at the time might have just said I need to kiss his ass. He couldn't tell me where I needed to improve or send me in any clear direction. After that I knew that it was never going to happen with him in charge nor was I ever going to change. I wasn't getting what I wanted so it was time to move on, when I could find the right path.

My tip to everyone is to believe your the best, as it will only give you self motivation to do more and it will make you push yourself to the limit. Don't change who you are for no one.

"I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I'm not." This is my new saying

Thank you

One thing I noticed when my gender switches is how stuff like hobbies and interests widen even more. In this post it's about music.

My male side has a massive range when it comes to genres of music which will range to heavy metal to opera with Katherine Jenkins. Yes Katherine Jenkins. Think at the moment both my male and female side K-POP is the genre that I've been listening to the most recently out of 16 gb of memory on my phone Iphone it gets a bit repetitive listening to the same rock music music over and over.

As for my side (female side) I listen to an even wider genre which is black metal, extreme metal and loads more K-POP. It's some little things that make us both unique to each other. As male I would never really listen to the likes of cannibal corpse, carcass, Fleshgod Apocalypse, Dimmu Borgir and many more.

I've been listening to K-POP before PSY with Gangnam Style came along, this was even before I even knew about being Bi-Gender.  It started out being told about K-POP with a group called Super Junior with a song called Super Girl (You two know who you are). I just feel in love with it and was sooo totally over played and  still, think when I checked how many times it was played on my itunes and it has been listened to over 300 times and that is just using itunes software on my PC within the space 4 months and I have 60 GB of music on the itunes list.

Super Girl

I don't know why I really love K-POP so much, I know when I was younger I used to listen to Clubland a lot and used to have my own turntables and spend many hours at the tables, my brother was miles better than what I was. K-POP just kinds of reminds me of Clubland but better with better talent and genuine professionals that love the music. I did watch a small documentary on youtube where the likes of Super Junior, 2NE1, Big Bang and many more will spend like over 12 hours a day practicing there routines.

A song I love is BONAMANA by Super Junior. The music without the lyrics being in Korean alone sticks in my head. Why do I listen to music I don't understand? Ask people that listen to rammstien that don't speak German or even ask many people that love Gangnam Style all they will say is the dance and saying Gangnam Style. So whats the Difference? I just love the music.

BONAMANA

Super Junior aren't just the only K-POP band out there. How can I not mention the likes of Big Bang yes I'm a V.I.P, and have bought a couple of albums which I secretly stash for safety not to break the CD's But it isn't just the group I like, G-Dragon and Taeyang are my favorites in the group with G-Dragon being my the one I listen to the most out of the group with his song called Crayon. It's just one of those songs that will have you starting off nodding or moving your feet to eventually trying to sing to the lyrics, some is in English so you will be able to understand. I'm sure it would be a hit if it got played in clubs over here. 

Crayon

Taeyang for me is easy listening I listen to him loads when I want to chill

Ringa Linga

T.O.P is another one of Big Bang boys hes like the rapper in the group and his solo stuff is awesome.

I can't forget Big Bang that the lads are apart of, I love most of their music and could go a whole day listening to them.

                         Fantastic baby

                    

     

                                                                       This love

Speaking to other people that are Bi-Gender about what triggers their gender switch is music, one which I thought wasn't one of mine and now I can see why. Listening to 2NE1 is a massive trigger but a bad one as much as I love this group it can triggure my female side off but normally when I'm out of the house on the way back from work, as I can't just change and dress how I feel so I become trapped in the wrong body for a time where I have to change to genre of music.

2NE1 is the only K-POP group that I have on my Iphone due to it is slowly withering away, and it won't let me sync music to or from the phone the only way to do it is by restoring the phone to factory resettings every time. A good job I only use it as a mp3 player. I'm kind of biased when it comes down to one 2NE1 song which is I Am The Best. For me this song is about my favorite Wrestler CM Punk, and features the older WWE Championship Belt, Also CM Punk has always had this cocky attiude of "I am the best in the world." WWE Belt and the attitude of CM Punk... Sounds like he has fans in these girls, to bad he walked out from the WWE earlier this year.

CM Punk at the time when I started watching wrestling held the WWE Championship and held it for 434 days and is the 6th longest serving champion and the the longest in the modern era. I like him as his personal life was similar to mine when I was younger and his beliefs are also similar, But I will leave that for a future post. 

I Am The Best

Fire (If I had to be honest my favorite song by 2NE1)

Apart from the language being different the music it's self isn't but then Gangnam style ended up being a big hit, I'm kind of glad I heard Gangnam style before it became popular think it was at 5k views when I first heard it as one of my friends came round and saw it as a comedy song and we laughed so much at the video when that guy was on the floor in the lift as PHY was swinging his crotch area away about him. The biggest Genre that I listen to male or now female has to be rock/metal which has I've been listening to since I was 11/12 to the likes of Korn, Blink 182, New Found Glory, Foo Fighters, My Chemical Romance, Finch, slipknot, Real Big Fish, wheatus, Rancid, Green Day with Bad Religion (found them by playing Tony Hawk Underground 2) these are to naming some of the vast list I have 40gb of rock/metal etc alone. Might be nothing to people out their but try fitting that onto a 16gb iphone by rating songs that takes 3 weeks its a lot.

I used to watch a channel on Sky called P-Rock I used to watch it every day I could till it finished broadcasting.

We all have secrets that we don't want to share

      All American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret 

Blink 182 - The Rock Show

I really love My Chemical Romance m/f

                                                                         My Chemical Romance - Helena 

Everybody that likes rockKnows these

System Of A down - Chop Suey

These are still going                                                                 Finch- Letters To You

The Offspring - I Want You Bad

sure it came out in 1991 it still get played

Had to leave one of my best songs out of these to last, one that captivated so many people and no matter which night club you go to that plays rock/metal it will get played... Sometimes more than once and it will always get people on the dance floor, from a mosh pit to people bring out the air guitars, dancing like chickens on crack and people just trying to move there feet and nothing else as fast as possibly can, this song is a pure Gem

Linkin Park - In The End

That is part one of music as it's a massive subject that would go one for ever and cover most of every genre that is going. The next music topic will feature other genres from metal to Visual Kei Bands such as Slipknot, Cannibal Corpse, Iron Maiden, Metallica, Bullet For My Valentine, Versailles, Malice Mizer, The Gazette and many more.

Will leave you with on of my favorite mosh pit songs from the days I used to go to a nightclub under 18's called kaff. (Many people spell it and say it in different ways)

Annyeong Haseyo

This post is about what pretty much every women use every day and that is "Make-Up." Some girls wont go out of their front door, some not out of their bedroom. In extreme cases not to be seen by anyone without it.

My first experience with make up was April this year, I started just browsing Ebay from games, PC peripherals and eventually got onto make-up and I just saw this cute little gift box with at that time I thought was the basics; Bronzer, Blusher, Eye Shadow (4 different shades of brown in one, 4 shades of blue in the other), Eyeliner, Lip Liner, Nail Varnish (Purple with glitter and dark red with glitter) and Lip Gloss (Gold and Cherry)

It was I think around £14.99 and was a great way to start. I still have the box but I tend toy use it for Make-up I don't use, but it was a great container to store everything in as a starting point. I don't have many recognized brands at the moment main reason for me is why pay all the money for brands when you're learning it just seems like a waste of money and a waste of make up. Since buying the gift box I kind of got a bit carried away. I know even now I have a very small amount compared to most women but I still consider myself as an extreme novice. I've watch loads of youtube videos when I mean loads I mean like hundreds. Most was useful but to do what they do just by watching a video is completely different and for someone just coming into the make-up word is extremely difficult. 

At the time of starting out I had (which I think most girls started out with) my hands and the foam tip applicator (I don't know the name of it) which came with my gift box. So basics video on YouTube was the starting point. I didn't really take make-up seriously at first and just messed about completely. I wasn't going out of the house or anything and I wasn't out to my Dad that I live with about being Bi-Gender and one of the biggest factor was clothes, I didn't really have any feminine clothes so I thought what the hell. I completely covered my face with bronzer as I didn't have any foundation at the time, I knew at the time that isn't what it was meant for that but just for a laugh I thought stuff it so I did. It was funny but didn't pay off I was so itchy all over and looked a sight and a lesson that I learnt... I've never done it again, nor will I ever try it again. The following week I bought some foundation, they wasn't anything expensive just got them as a job lot on Ebay, which consisted of 6 shades light to dark which you probably guessed. That week I ended up buying a liquid pen which lasted a week before drying up (It was hardly used) I found it hard to use pencil and smudged so much at the time. Blinking even now is an issue.

I soon started to taking trips to Manchester and started to take mental notes on how women dressed and then looked online at forums and looked at pictures for ideas on make-up. Knowing it would be a while before I could achieve the looks I liked but it sent me in a direction that I would look on YouTube. I think the biggest thing I found when out in Manchester and even just out and about what where women would like use foundation extremely darker than what their skin colour is and could be seen a mile away. I could see a white neck and extremely dark face which gave me an idea to have a laugh and have a bit if banter. So I took one of the darkest shades of foundation I had a bit of eyeliner etc and this was what I got, just a shame the light in my flat is awful to get the actual picture.This was also my first ever picture as female.

I look back at where I was then in April to now without being vain and think WOW. A massive difference, I don't really use any dark foundations as I don't like them. I prefer lighter shades ( I think the shade I used a lot was called Tawny, I was upset when I used it all) the one is use now is called caramel which I would say I don't like as much but is used in most of my recent pictures. During my time working at McDonald's being out was good and the support was out of this world that I got feel sorry for them as they did want to see my female side. I had no one that was horrible to me or even really taking banter to a personal level. I had loads of support from my male side friends whic I consider and awesome friend to called Vicky is so supportive she gave me make up and 2 sets of Eye brow stencils. I use everything that she gave me, and I love the eyeliner that I was given which I use every time. Thanks, Vick love you loads x

 Two random pictures

Another girl called Safiya was very supportive and she wanted to go shopping and tried to talk me into all the MAC stuff. I can understand that MAC will be awesome but for the bank balance at the stage where I was at.. Nooooo. For me it was to expensive to waste an I'm sure women won't use the best make-up for everyday use... I could be wrong, but I wasn't ready to go out either as female and I wouldn't just go and buy make-up as my male side. I won't do anything just because I can regards to gender. I could go buy make-up as my male side the people that would serve me won't really care as their job is to sell the products, they might have questions in their head etc but in the generation that we are in and Britain as a country is more open minded, but for me I can only do thing that are feminine when my gender does a complete switch so writing this now my gender is female, I feel feminine and couldn't write this as my male side. Weird? Yes, it is but is something I've gotten used to.

Anyways when I started with make-up which is probably below basics which i'm sure you would call Eyeliner, Foundation, Eye Shadow, Lipstick to now adding Bronzer (in a right-ish way this time hopefully) mascara, concealer, eyebrows and I'm looking into trying contouring. I also have make-up brushes and a small make-up bag which is full. I have started to get branded make-up not what I think is expensive but reasonable and I can see the difference.
The Brand is Kelly Brook, which probably I think was for New Look, I'm unsure as I bought mine off Ebay as a gift set clearance for around £14.99 which came with more Eye Shadows (4 different colors and shades), Lip liner (black and brown), Lip Gloss (4 different colors), Nail Varnish (4 different colors)

 Just some of my make-up

As you can probably tell by how I have spoken I'm still a novice, But I still practice and look at YouTube etc. At this moment it's more about getting by and learning along the way, compared to other women that have been doing their makeup since their early teens maybe even earlier than that. I started at 24 years of age, and even now is something that I don't do every day as my gender doesn't always switch to being female nor will I even attempt to try when my gender hasn't switched.

Feel free to enlighten me if I have said anything wrong or inaccurate, feel free to give any tips. 

Hey all

This is a new blog, talks about my jorney, the ups and downs, my opinions on life, the odd post about what is going on in the trans world and much more.

About Nick and Sarah

In April of this year I realised that I was Bi-Gender. Bigender is about how you identity as both female and male and can switch in between which for me is triggered. Bi-Gender is under the transgender umbrella, and can happen any time. This can be triggered off by certain things, some I know some I don't. I'm the same person no matter what gender I look like apart from the masculine and feminine sides and pronouns such as miss, her etc. Also this doesn't affect my sexuality so I will always like women. I will be that crazy person that people keep telling me I am, and always talk about how good Versailles is, blasting heavy metal through my beats headphones, games, my blog. I have spoke about my female side to loads of people and the support has been awesome, which has mad me feel much better about who I am and on the road of fully accepting it. I don't expect every person want to understand or fully expect everyone to accept who I am, but all I ask is for courtesy shown to myself or my female side which is called Sarah. So if your out and about in the future who knows you might just bump into her. I don't ask for your respect as for me it has to be earned, just not to be discriminated against for being how I am. If you feel so against it please don't give me any abuse. Feel free to unfriend me or block me I don't mind nor well hold it against anyone that does. I am surrounded by amazing people that support me, and this has helped me all the way threw it. They know who they are and I feel so lucky to have you in my life. This person knows who she is by passing on the strength (Thank you) to me by coming out to her friends. (I wrote that as I came out on Facebook, message that to 60 people or 1 message to 700 people)

If you want to know anymore feel free to ask.

I've been open to people from the start. More open now as I know so much more and also experience more. It's an exciting journey as I get to explore more about myself and also achieve more and more and it make me think in a years time where will I be in the journey.

I feel that in such a small time I have achieved so so much.

First Month;

• Pretty much out to the whole of my work place (positive reaction from everybody and loads of questions that I manage to answer most)
• Came out to brother (He was very supportive, makes me feel so lucky to have him as my brother "I don't care if you're my brother or sister as long as you're in my life")
• Came out to my Dad. (he was also awesome about it and said it wouldn't alter how he thought about me)
• Came out to my best friend (well I class him as my best friend but he was just awesome about it and has been very awesome
• Resented as female to my best friend 
• Took my first steps as female and went for a drive with my best friend

From their it was learning and improving the image from cloths to make-up and more

Since then I took my first walk out at female and walked 3.8 miles and went out a two more times all at night. Presented to my Dad and have done 3 more times. 

Left :My first ever picture as female think I was taking the mick out of some girls

Center: Was taken in July

Right: September I think

In September my biggest thing happened and that was going out within the public with my best friend, We went to Blackpool (UK) to see the Illuminations and after getting stuck in the traffic driving through the lights I needed the toilets, which My friend said that I couldn't use the male's loo. When we managed to park up off to the ladies room I went and while we was out we hit the arcades and managed to get two teddies after being in the arcade for over two hours then went for a small walk. Again I just feel awesome to have the support by people close to me.

Nothing has happened since then but who knows what will be next in the journey. 

The Blog

I'm aiming to be regular and post can be done by me or my female side and it will say who has written it. Unlike my other blog Nicktronic Arts which is strictly gaming this can be about anything. From music/gaming/make-up/activities the list goes on, and will be a great way for me to see for myself how the journey unfolds. Hopefully with the upcoming posts I hope it can help people that have found out their Bi-Gender and give them some insight into how I felt when I was going through at the same stage. I have to say that not everyone will have the results that I have had with the likes of support. For me one thing I have learnt is that it's never a good time to tell anyone. Everything I have achieved is because I made it happen, I created the opportunity.

Was I ready?

For me one thing I have learnt is that it's never a good time to tell anyone. Everything I have achieved is because I made it happen, I created the opportunity. So was I ready? Hell no. For me their is no such thing as when are are you ready, no such thing as planning. Unfortunately it is very hard to know what the person you're are telling is thinking. When I told my brother I thought was going to be negative about it. It is about how you feel about it. I see this as a journey and there is this big brick wall that I need to climb in order to continue and if I can't climb it then I'm going to be in this same spot. It will only just frustrate me if I don't, once it's out of the way you've done, it is a case of building your confidence up, and if you have the support I have then the momentum of the support will carry you. Some of the stuff I've done has been without me thinking about it. I wasn't incredibly nervous about going into the ladies toilet, nor going into the arcade. I was more concerned of my image. Do I feel how I look?  Will I get trouble by people?

I didn't get any a of those, but some man walk pasted me and might as well of felt my arse. I wasn't sure how to take as a compliment or the fact it pissed me off, as no matter which gender role I take women will always be my choice. It's just finding that women that I like and will they accept me for me.

P.S. I will be updating the look of the Blog over the next couple of days