I managed to get a bit of energy from when I wrote on here about resting and I’ve decided to write about the last twelve months which will include Sparkle, New place of employment (no brand name) and other bits of news which will be split into parts as it will be too long to read.

These last twelve months has defiantly been a test not just physically but mentally in many ways. I’ve been ill which for everyone that has read this blog before or worked with me knows that I’ve spoken about more times than Dave Whelan mentioning about breaking his leg an FA Cup Final when Wigan Athletic reached and won it in 2013.

Left: Sick Note. Right: End Of Contract.

In August 2015 I handed a Doctor’s Note and in within two hours the place where I worked ended my contract making me unemployed for the first time since I left school in August 2006. With the room spinning I knew that I had to do something for money, within two days I went to the Job Centre to sign on JSA (Job Seekers Allowance) but they turned me down because I was unwell, which I was told to go on the sick. This meant for around a month I had to keep going to the doctors for a sick note and sending it off, I still remained hopeful though because this gave me time to look for a job that I want without having to spend thirty plus hours a week looking for work and applying for jobs that I didn’t want to do, and I wanted to stay in the computing/electrical industry.

In the car, first time im out in daylight as female 

12th July

At this time, I was confused with my gender as in July when I still was thinking I was Bi-Gender I wasn’t presenting as female. I remember I last went out with my Dad and it was in daylight for the first time, and since then I just felt normal and when I did research it happened to other people that was also Bi-Gender, where they wouldn’t present as the opposite gender they were born as. Just before my Birthday one of the two jobs I applied for gave me an interview, that was hard I had to do a presentation to impress which I did an animation and got another interview where I had to work for a few hours. Not sure how I passed them both with me looking white as a sheet and not walking great.

Having vertigo was the scariest thing I’ve ever had and since leaving school in 2006 this was the first time I’ve ever been as ill as that. I’m not a person that scared of anything, but having four full grown adults lifting you out of bed, when your laying helplessly shaking and thinking the world was going to end really was something that I’ve never felt before. Being off I really hated as I like to be actice and doing things which pretty much I was unable to do. I hope I never have to sign on because that wold hurt. I love working, I love testing myself physically and mentally which is why I hated being off. It wasn’t like I could go into my garden and chop the weeds down, and yes chop.

From my first shift in September 16th till around mid-November it was hard. Every day was a challenge again physically and mentally where I was in bed before 10:30pm -11pm because I was drained, I had to think about every step I took  but since 7^th August 2015 I didn’t do one thing and that was rest. By October I thought my female side had gone for good. I packed all my female clothes away took my female Facebook profile down…

  I'm back 4th November

I was wrong at the start of November when I was starting to feel me… Ish. Then my feelings came back and of the 4^th November I presented female for the first time since 12^th July. I soon came out to work colleagues and the reactions I got was positive and the talk was all on the Christmas night out in who I would be coming as. Nick or Sarah? I was unsure at first as it would be a first in many ways for me if I went as female, but leading up to it I started to join Facebook groups for trans people and started to talk to people and following their journeys that became inspiring to me. 

It was till I saw a picture of other Trans* people out and about in bars on the day, it got methinking about how I felt before the works Christmas night out. The fight in my attitude came back where it was “If they can do it why can’t I?” So I started to get ready and I went out as female. The night went so much better than I ever could imagined and I would like to thank my work colleagues and my boss for being great and understanding and very supportive. It was when I got home I started to realise that I was more than just Bi-Gender.

 It was these two Pictures that started to make me question my gender

Twelve months ago I was jobless and fucked. It was like the world put a road block in my way, I was losing weight fast, I was losing hope fast, my gender was pretty much nowhere and I felt my identity was striped. Even though the world was spinning, a road block in my way and being sick every day I still got up. There are a few things I have a passion for and that is not giving up, it’s helping people but most of all giving the middle finger to those how say I can’t do something and to those who screw me over. I never stopped believing and carried on till I managed to get a job within a month as the world spun by. It’s something I’m proud of that I didn’t give up.

I could of happily stayed at home and waited till I recovered, but I couldn’t change anything just sitting on my couch in Wigan. (slightly ripped that part from CM Punk but it’s true)

“Barriers are only there to stop you, it’s up to you how to get over them” (That’s Mine)

I’m going to leave it there for this part. 

Over the next coming parts these are some of the people that have inspired me, helped me and I will be mentioning these people and more people in upcoming posts. 

Alison

Michelle

 Victoria

 

Chloé

(Chloé also has a Youtube Channel)

 Jamie and Harry 

(They're both transgender, girlfriend and boyfriend, and have a Youtube Channel: ThatTransCouple)

These are a just people few people that I've met or spoke to etc I would like thank these awesome people for letting me use their pictures, letting me write about them, also for your help, support, guidance and being a huge inspiration to me and others. A big thank you to my work colleagues, friends, family and the LGBT community for being supportive.

Till next time see you later. 

Thanks for reading

xx

Hey all!

I would firstly like to appoligies for my recent inactivity on here, this is mainly to me being exhausted. I've not forgot about my post about Sparkle which I have written but I've not read through it to check to see if I'm happy with it.

After Sparkle I was depressed a little and now I'm extrememly exhausted. I'm exhauted phsically and mentally and these last twelve months have been the hardest times I've ever faced and now taking it's toll. From being given the boot from my last job for handing in a sick note, to finding a new job within 6 weeks then to working five months stright while I was ill to only have 3 weeks off since I started in september last year. In that time I've been taken into hospital via ambulance also.

Even though I've not been able to write any post I've been planning and will start to post them when I'm better, I would like to say I'm not as depressed as I was, it is mainly tiredness and will have time off soon, which I can't wait for and will be having 3 weeks off within 2 months so I will be getting the chance to regain my strength. I will never write on my blog unless I'm totally with it, every post I write comes from my heart, and that is how it is. I can't say when my next post could be, it could be next week, it could be a month when I've had time off. I have not forgot about Sarah Meets also, I'm just thinking of the best ways to do them.

I've decided that it's not the best time for me to start my physical transition to female off also, as much as I'm ready mentally my body isn't and I need to heal and rest before it starts to undego stress and pysical change. I don't intend to spend to long out just enough, I would like to thank everyone for reading my posts, following me and can't wait to start posting again. See you soon

Thank you

Sarah

xx

Hey all,

I've been given the thumbs up and will be available to attend this year’s Sparkle in Manchester. For those that haven't heard of sparkle whether you’re in the Trans* community or not (seriously many Trans* people haven't heard of it) I see it as like a Pride event but for transgender people (like pride many people go that aren’t Trans or in the LGBT) Someone might have to correct me on this but overall it’s a celebration of the Trans* community coming together etc. I will be looking forward to meeting many people and gaining new friends.

Sparkle this year was a last minute decision for me and part of it was due to me not booking it off in advance due to not knowing people well enough but also thinking someone in my department was already off which that wasn’t the case. I will be staying over in Manchester on the Saturday night, which is going to be cool.

Not only will this be my first Sparkle it will be where I will break the barrier by;

·        Getting ready with others from male to female

·        Having a night out as female

·        Probably getting drunk as female (even though I said I won’t be)

·        Meeting loads of people like myself but further on in their journey

·        Listening to what people have been through

·        Meeting inspiring and interesting people

·        Hitting Canal Street for the first time

For this weekend I’m excited loads but I’m also nervous, the issue is one that goes back many years ago, I used to be one where if the LBGT (or gay guys) left me alone I would leave them alone, I was this childish asshole that would joke about anything and yes they would be extremely offensive. When I realised that I was (at first) Bi-Gender I knew I had to change, fast forward two years three months and;

·        My attitude is better

·        I’m in a better place mentally… Ish.

·        My tolerance for others is better

·        Supportive of others

·        Feel better… when I present as my trueself

·        Better confidence till I try wearing clothes Yes I think I look fat.   

These are to name a few of these qualities that I have gained. But overall I still have this nervous thing I don’t know what to expect in Canal street? I don’t know how to act? Will I fit in? Most of my life I’ve been this heavy metal chav which had a sheltered life. For a good few years it was work, food, games, shit, sleep and repeat. No room for a relationships and no room for gay people (not meaning that in a hatred way) That was the person I was very secluded from people… Yes, I was complete w*nker and still are in some ways.

Sparkle is something I hope will be life changing for me as I want to banish these last of my impure thoughts and meet some people that will inspire me to keep going, I hope that I can be inspired so I can make a difference. For me I think Sparkle is the last big piece of this puzzle that needs to be solved. For that I will leave for a later post.

This week is going to be extremely massive not just for my first sparkle but also This blog. I’m aiming by Friday that my first ‘Sarah Meets’ will be posted on here which will have Jessica Pow as my first guest. So I can’t wait and great timing before sparkle. Monday 4^th July I will be getting my back waxed for the first time so yeah I’m bricking it already as less than 11 hours from now I will possibly be put through some pain and yelling Oklahoma (saw it in Jackass) which won’t do anything, while I have the hairs removed from my back… Pain is beauty… Apparently.

"I could always be male but I wouldn't be living my life, I would be living someone else's."

Left: me as male:Saturday 2nd July.

Right: me as I should be 6th July 

Thanks for reading

Hey all!

As I've been so busy working my ass off this week on this blog I've hit a big issue, when trying to add photos to my circles, I thought that I imported them from here. Turns out that wasn't the case so as I started to delete pictures it was deleting them from here, so now I have loads of post from god know when I started doing this to fix.

I'm feeling down so much right now, but not all is lost as all the pictures have been backed up on my hard drive but it will take me ages to replace all the pictures :(

This post I’m keeping short and sweet.

This week has been one of the darkest days in the history of the LGBT, as we all know on 12.6.16 a crazed mad man called Omar Mateen (I would love to use more colourful words, but It’s not worth it) went into a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida with an assault rifle and started shooting up the place killing (some say) 50 (Some Say) 49 anyways it’s a lot of people to die and injuring around 53 others. People in the LGBT community seek refuge in these places as they feel safe and able to mingle with people that are the same, It’s a place of sanctuary where people in the LGBT could gather and party. This was not to be.

Since Japan’s earthquake and tsunami, this is one of the other tragic event that has affected me the way it has, I pray for the victims and thoughts are with you and your families at the dark time. People taken so soon and was unable to defend themselves, people’s lives taken for being themselves. I only hope if there is a god they get taken to a good place.

As for Omar, a person filled with so much hate to think it was okay to go into a nightclub and kill innocent people, if there is a place where evil people go I sure hope you’re in it and suffer the worse punishment forever. I hate people that think it is okay to go around and hurt people because it’s not what they want. Who is anyone to say what another person should do? Who is anyone to say how people should live their life?

Whether people find the LGBT disgusting or not we’re all people, we all have the same basic vital organs, such as the Heart, Lungs, Brain etc. Without these we would be on a machine for life or dead.

“It takes one act of evil to bring millions together”

Omar may have injured people and taken people’s lives, but he’s also brought people together and made the LGBT stronger.

“One man’s evil will never repress the strength of a cemented community.”

R.I.P to all those who died for being themselves in Orlando, Florida

Sleep tight

Lots of love

Sarah 

Hey guys,

I didn’t think I would be writing a new post so soon but one thing what I’ve been doing recently is loads is gaming. I’ve always been a gamer, since the age of four starting with Commodore 64, Nintendo Game Boy (the big fat one).

Not mine but it was this version

From having my own facebook group which was going strong for 4 years and a blog called Nicktronic Arts which I have to admit both are dead now. Since the Xbox One and Playstation 4 launched I’ve never really got into gaming, the games for me have been meh and around five years ago I was part of a massive gaming group which I really enjoyed and where we met up and got totally drunk. Since the days where I was in groups gaming hasn’t been the same and well boring.

It got that bad I almost traded in my Xbox One and PS4 with all the games, I couldn’t just get into it, not many people were online, no one was talking and I hated it, the passion that I had depleted very quickly. E3 last year for a let-down for me and I pretty much gave up, yes Doom was announced and The Division was told where abouts it would be released but E3 itself was crap. E3 is generally my favourite time of the year it beats Christmas every time. Last year I felt I had no one to talk to about E3, I felt alone and that went was for both consoles, After the tour I went on and seems to be the last one, gaming just wasn’t the same. Even when I went to Scan I couldn’t get back into gaming I tried with a couple of them but it just wasn’t to be. Now the job where I am I’ve met Brad (who is a tool and no longer works with us), Matt and Jake (when he’s on… and learns to ride a bike on GTA) and now being reunited on Xbox with Richard (just needs to get his ass on more) I’ve slowly started to get back into gaming to now where I love it again.

On the Eve of E3 2016, EA Games have had its own pre-E3 show, it’s shown off some games but for me and I’m sure us it was all about Battlefield One. In the chat we were talking about the presentation and the games that EA was showing. For me to get that feeling again talking to other people that have that passion really has made me feel epic about games once again, from feeling down and depressed at the start of this year gaming has been awesome.

I love it were we just mess around, not take anything serious… And scream at Jake (Jack) because he can’t ride a fucking motor bike on GTA or see Brads massive building… well shells as he puts nothing inside of them on Minecraft or Having Matt do all the hard work on The Division. On 13.6.16 E3 will begin and this year I can’t wait to watch and mainly talk about and see what games we will get, what we think will be good and bad, Look at Nintendo’s new console. E3 for me isn’t just about seeing what developers are bringing out, it’s also a celebration for how far as a community we have come as gamers around the world.

I just want to thank you guys for bringing my love for gaming back, and I hope this E3 2016 will be awesome. Who knows what will happen? Will we start streaming our games? Will we make videos for YouTube?  Who knows? I can see everything that I’ve done on my gaming blog will be coming on here and new projects will start.

When Gaming happens I always wear this beanie

… Whatever happens I can’t wait! 

Happy E3 

Thank you

#Sarahmeets Coming soon

Hey guys sorry about the lack of posts that has been happening lately, this is due to updating this blog hope you like it, there is so much to change even now as I look for a way to add new things and add new features.

As many are aware, I’m starting a new thing on my blog called ‘Sarah Meets’ which I cannot wait to start. I’ve spoken to loads of people that are willing to share their stories with me and on here also. I hope it will educate other Trans* people out there and others that are unsure about people that know about term transgender. I hope that it will help those that are in the early stages of transitioning such as myself and also that are still transitioning.

I’m happy to say that I will be announcing my first guest that will be on ‘Sarah Meets’ Shortly.

Makeup Part 3

Okay so we arrive at this posts topic of makeup Part 3. The last two makeup posts I’ve done they’ve been mainly about what I have, which I suppose this isn’t much different, but because my collection has grown so much I can now compare brands on what I have and how do they work with me. The reason why I say ‘with me’ is because it might not work with you guys or it might not work on me, but could work on you etc

At the moment my favourite brand of makeup for foundation is Max Factor, I feel I get Max coverage (Hope you guys saw what I did there) and when it comes to getting rid of my crappy facial hair shadow it seems to be the best job, out of Avon’s and some unbranded makeup I wore previously. When I comes to makeup I’m new and only been messing around with makeup for around 2 years but looking back at the pictures I’ve taken whenever I present as female I’ve not reached my hundredth time as presenting as female. I’ve only presented as female 70 times, every year I’ve presented more and more which is down to confidence and support but yeah only 70 times in 2 years.  Another fact with me is I’ve only started to hit main stream brands for around a year also which for me when using non branded makeup is extremely different in my case it was anyway.

At the start of May I went to Manchester to get some new inspirations as I had my works staff outing which I need a jacket for, but I decided to pay a visit to the MAC Cosmetics counter and after speaking to one of the makeup artists I had my skin match and went for Studio Fix fluid SPF 15 (£22 UK) It’s the cheapest of the MAC foundation and gets a 4.5 out of 5 on most sites.

28.5.16 With MAC Foundation. Not the best look I was happy with but meh, wore a cold shoulder top (apparently that's what it's called)

Plungers I know can clog but it works so well for me and I'm yet to have this issue.

I do like the foundation, I didn’t need much to get the coverage on my face, it did feel rewarding that I’m putting a big brand on my face but I’ve found some issues. For me it’s the bottle when it comes to getting the foundation from bottle to brush, there’s nothing other than a shake and using gravity to get the foundation from bottle to brush, and because the foundation is pretty thick it is time consuming. Whereas with my Max Factor it has its plunger and I get more on quicker.

The other issue was with my neck, with having facial hair it also means I have hairs on my neck which again it still shows and after using the foundation from MAC it doesn’t cover the hairs up (and yes I’m talking about after shaving) With taking pictures I feel my face is much pale than I feel I should be. Overall I feel the foundation is good but the colour after the match doesn’t go with my complexion and this might be the reason why it doesn’t cover up my shadow on my face that well, and I will stick with my MAX Factor Face Finity foundation which I forgot to mention is a 3 in one. Foundation, concealer and primer. (Primer only link on Boots website)

For eye shadow I have two pallets main pallets and a few with just 4 colours in from Dorothy Perkins, No.7 (Boots) a non-branded and younique (which I use all the time)

I use this palette every time, every time from Younique which is called Addiction and I think is palette two of the three they did at the time I purchased this, I loved the look when I got it and still love it now.  I didn't get chance to take a picture of my palette but it's the same one I have so here the link to a page that reviewed it called modernlymorgan  

This I've stopped using at the moment, I used to mainly use the brown for doing my brows but for me this palette is for mainly about trying new ideas out. 

For eye shadow I have two pallets main pallets and a few with just 4 colours in from Dorothy Perkins, No.7 (Boots) a non-branded and younique (which I use all the time)

My challenge while summer is almost upon us is too find a new pallet from a different brand to create a good look.

Lipstick has also been a challenge for me, I used to use, and still do rarely which was like a nude pink which goes great for all seasons but it has become one I use less as I’ve found better brands with Avon’s plum colour which is a fantastic and last ages where I don’t need to reapply every hour and only cost me around £6. I got a great freebie from Max Factor last year which was red and I also love and it lasts. I’ve also found another gem which I got from the Wish App, which is like a red/purple colour not sure of a name but it wasn’t a brand and is one I love. It stayed on my lip throughout a day when I wore it without having to reapply once and that cost me £1 + £1 p&p.

MAC: Satin Lipstick

Now I decided to give MAC a try and bought their Pro Longwear Lip Pencil and Satin Lipstick both again like a dark plum colour, which I haven’t tried yet but will post pictures and results when I have.

Next addition to makeup collection is back to Max Factor with their smoke eye kit called ‘A Touch Of Drama’ which I got a free gift with called ‘Bright Eyed Glamour’ (you can only get the set on eBay by as unwanted) I was also given another Mascara called ‘Fake Eyelash’ Worth £10.99. I’m yet to use the Fake Eyelash one and the other I’ve given away. I think I will use mascara that in the ‘Bright Eyed Glamour’ set because the wand is different and I think will give my lashes the better effect and what I want to achieve.

The best mascara I’ve ever had was Avon’s ‘superextend winged out mascara’ it gave my lashes great length and I never needed felt like I have to use fake lashes, which yet I’ve never worn when I’ve gone outside of my house, I’ve only worn them to experiment which I feel has been a success.

Left: Max Factor Vs Right: Maybelline

At the moment I'm using bottom Max Factor one, the Maybelline mascara's clump up for me and I doesn't work for me. Overall I think the Max Factor has the edge, I've excluded my two new ones from this from Mac Factor. Up to now no Mascara has bettered the Avon winged which I had. 

Old collection

My collection as of now (10.6.16)

The Summer Challenges

One of the rare occasions you will see me showing leg haha

This year I’ve challenged myself to create a summer look. As for people that have been keeping up with me on Facebook, Instagram or on here you pretty much will have realised most of my colours are really dark or black. Well I will admit I’m a winter person. I love my boots, I love my layers and I feel you can be so creative whereas summer I feel its little as possible such as thin clothing, less layers and for me… SHOES! Yes, I’m not a fan of heeled shoes as I feel not very secure in them. I also don’t like toes so open toes are a no no from me.

I have done one look pretty much minus jewellery but I don’t feel it’s a look I wouldn’t go shopping in, so it doesn’t count for my challenge. I have acquired a dress from new look which for me is a start it’s a cream dress, which after speaking to others it’s down to nude coloured shoes, or some form of wedge.

It does sound simple but let me say why this is a challenge. I’m a size 9 UK in shoes so trying to find good quality shoes for a size 9 UK, nude, no open toe etc. So that really makes it hard for me, so we shall see what I come up with hopefully sooner rather than later.

I've tried to link as many products as I could

Thanks for reading