Hey all!
This is my fiftieth Blog post
If you would have looked at me six months ago you would have
seen me as a broken man, I was jobless, I was ill and finding it extremely hard
to stand on my own two feet and struggling being at home hardly doing a thing
as I was just constantly dizzy. My female side taking a short hiatus which I
think was because I was ill and I never felt feminine at all. For four months I
was nothing but a male wreck struggling to take in what happened. Within the
four months my female clothing was put in the loft freeing up four spaces where
as male I could make my room tidy again. Life was beginning to turn normal
again, I manage to find a new job where the people I work with are amazing and
even though I still wasn’t well when I started working and probably shouldn’t
of I knew I was on the road to recovering and started to think about moving on…
So I thought. November came and where I was feeling better,
I was sturdy on my feet and was more active but back came how I started feeling
about myself and how uncomfortable I was in how I was. At first I thought it
was a one off so I brought down a few clothes and shoes from the loft just in
case.
It was, and on November 4th Sarah was back. I went on to go to the works do as female in
December and presented female a good few times and visited Blackpool again.
Left: September 2014. Right: November 2015
When the 1st January came I knew that I would be doing more
things as female and really going all out mainly because I started to go insane
staying inside, I knew that I needed to get out. On the 3rd January I
went for my first shop but I was presenting as male but shopping for female
clothing. When I got back I got ready and no one answered their phone and it
sent me off the rails for some reason where I went out and down a pitch black
canal.
Under the canal bridge in Platt Bridge.
In January I presented as female around 10 times which was
mostly on my days off and I knew it was getting worse and I started feeling
more gender dysphoria and was starting to find myself struggling to come to
terms that this is whoI was and I was finding it hard being male. On the 10th
January I went into work as female which was after public hours to do some work
(spoke to my boss about it which she agreed I was able to do come in how I feel)
which was the massive step that I took and it was the first time I went out in
the day time as female where people could clearly see me.
Not looking to happy but happy to be who I am at work.
February didn’t slow down 25th January I ended up
meeting my bestie Vicky in Wigan for the first time as female and being in my
home town as female… And ordering my first coffee as female also. Meeting Vicky
has been 13 months in the making as she couldn’t make it to the Christmas Eve
drinks I had with my old maccies crew where I presented as female.
We have known each other for years after working at McDonald’s
together and since coming out as Bi-Gender she’s been amazing and I can’t thank
her enough. She gave me loads of make up to get me started and has been
extremely supportive of me so I can’t thank her enough.
Christmas Eve 2014
Vicky and me in Wigan
February came and still two more things came that was big
for me and that was going out as female to the Trafford Centre with another
best bud Ainsley. I should mention him more on here as he has been also great.
(I’m sure he will agree he’s one of those friends that everyone has that is the
lovable assholes) He’s the only person to see me the most as female out of
everyone. He’s had to constantly put up with my bitching, wrong directions
because I was messing around with my phone where I should be watching the GPS on
my phone, I’ve dragging you to shops the odd time and most of all asking you to
take loads of picture mainly because I need them to put on here… The pictures aren’t
going to change and you need more practice with the camera also he he. Through all
this his support has been awesome, I think this year he’s seen me more female
than male ha ha. All I can say if your reading this Ains is thank you.
Me and Ains in Blackpool September 2014
Trafford Centre
On the way to the Trafford Centre
During this month (February) I’ve also realised who I am and
that is I’m not male and where I feel uncomfortable now nearly every day and how
I feel so much better as female, I’ve settled in so comfortably it where now is
becoming more natural, to where I have now started to walk down the path of transitioning
and now realise that me as male, me as Nick is now on a timer and I can’t say
when but the time as male will be up, and living full time as female will
happen and a new life that will create new memories every day.
The Big One
Instagram seems to be mine and Vicky’s favourite platform to
communicate with each other, and yes we talk more on there than we do via text
message. That was when I got a tag through where it said about a makeup/makeup
session at the Benefit Cosmetics counter and at first I didn’t understand it
and really didn’t till the last minute where she kept checking for appointment
as from the 21st February I was on my first week off from work since
I started back mid-way in September.
On the Friday before my week off my Instagram notification
came on and I ended up getting an update from Vicky saying the session was on
and it was for Monday 22nd February. “FUCK” was my first thought. It
was more down to crap I could be getting from other people which I’m still
nervy about as you never know what people’s reactions are going to be like. I generally
don’t care what people think but I mainly can’t be arsed with how people react
because I don’t know how I’m going to react back if it gets nasty. I worry more
about my friend’s safety as they would be involved and I wouldn’t want them to
get hurt or anything, so that was on my mind… But on the other hand I was going
to be dealing with makeup which I love and the most important reason seeing my
stunning bestie Vicky who would be present and doesn’t give a shit about what
people think.
I did bump into one of my friends I've known since we was little kids her name is Kayleigh, she was in her van and noticed me, she is awesome.
The day quickly came and yes I was nervous to hell as I
would be stepping back in to a place I said I would never go to as female again
unless I was going to catch a bus to the Trafford Centre or getting on the
train to Manchester, but I was also discussing to Vicky about wearing makeup
which she advised me not to as we would end up with makeup on afterwards. I
could see her point but there was one issue… actually there was more than that
really. Number one with me being biologically a guy it meant me have the shadow
where my stubble was even after I shaved and could be seen clearly, which will
draw attention. I decided to go out with only foundation and before the
appointment was I would go to the toilets and wipe it off ready for the makeup
session which I did…
And you would have never seen anyone walk with 3” heels faster
than me in the Grand Arcade going to Debenhams. I think I would have put Mo
Farah to shame. Going out with just foundation was tough but having no makeup
on was truly the most and probably the hardstand terrifying thing I’ve ever
done as the makeup for me is a huge part of my identity it’s what’s separates
my male and female sides. If there was one time I felt like a cross dresser it
was then and in probably the worst places to be in which was Wigan… Luckily I
think people on the dole spent up so there wasn’t that many people out so I
felt slightly better.
Mo Farah: British Distance Runner
We got to the Benefit booth and after a small wait that was
where we met Jude. She was the women doing mine and Vicky’s makeup and I have
to say Jude was great, she was funny, gentle (when Applying the makeup) and it
made it a great experience to have and would recommend any girl or even trans
person to have. I was relaxed and soon comfortable having my makeup done by someone.
I did have a woman who sat across from me that kept looking at me... I guess
she has never seen a trans women that’s wants to look good before ha ha but you
tell me which women doesn’t want to look her best?
I wouldn't say I am happy with this picture but hey for shit and giggles right.
Even though she kept looking at me I didn’t care as I was
far to relax and it wasn’t like I could do anything so I didn’t give a dahm.
Why should I? Come on people it was makeup. Overall it was a great to have
someone putting my makeup on that knows what the hell they’re doing. I do think though I must have looked a right
muppet as I didn’t know what to do when Jude was putting makeup on my face so I
was looking everywhere, I must have looked like a right clown.
Me and Jude Vicky and Jude
I was overwhelmed by it all and I felt like I was in the
right place. Time just didn’t exist because I was so captivated by it I was in
heaven. I was so in my zone I forgot to take pictures of the Benefit booth which
I’m sure I will return. After it was all done Jude was happy for me to get in a
couple of picture with me and Vicky and we were on our way.
I liked the how the makeup felt on me, my face didn’t get as
itchy as some foundations do and I think that I will be back to purchase some
makeup from benefit. Jude gave me and Vicky some samples which I am to try out
but they look so cute I don’t want to open them.
Vick in her zone (kids hand bag River Island)
I would like to thank Vicky for giving the chance to do
this, it wasn’t easy mentally but it helped with my confidence loads. I would like to thank Benefit Cosmetics and Jude for makeup session I
really enjoyed it and it was great to be introduced to another makeup brand
which I really want to try.
All I can say is this year is still young and I’ve already
done loads I can only say watch this blog people because Sarah is going to go
crazy more things are going to happen.
