First of all I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend.

One Year On 
This Easter not only am I off for the holiday, but I'm off for the entire week (6th-12th April) this is also a massive week for me as it has been a full year since I found out that I was Bi-Gender. 9th April is the date where I also came out to a close work friend when I decide to start my journey of learning about what Bi-Gender really was. I also needed to find out more about me.

(My first ever picture April 2014)

I'm a type of person that likes to discover things and learn quickly. Sitting back in denial is something that brings on negative feelings and then comes depression which is something I don't want to suffer from. I've been in dark places mentally in the past where I wasn't the best person to be around, moody, violent, negative and to come back without the use of professional help and drugs which I refuse to consume, it takes some doing and I wasn't going to go back to that place.

Where everything started to advance in looks and attitude

As soon as I knew I came out to a good work friend and it went well, within hours and days my whole store knew, maybe not the whole truth as Chinese whispers and all but all was soon corrected and the support was just brilliant. Within a month I was out to close friends and also to my brother and father, which surprised me as I thought of them both as assholes which I'm sure they knew at the time which has now changed, and I respect them them loads even though I may not show it to them both. Also within that first month I presented female to one of my closest friends and went out for a drive so stepping out in the big wide world as female within one month.

I'm not the sort of person to like myself but I liked this

A couple of months later I presented female to my Dad for the first time which went awesome, I didn't say much when I presented female or even when I was with my friend. It's all about doing it more and more till you get more comfortable with the person you're with till you begin to be your self. Now I don't hesitate when my Dad's in the house I just do as I feel.

This was just before I presented to my Dad and another picture I liked

In June I decided to take a big step when I was working at McDonald's I decided to speck to Human Resources about being Bi-Gender which they have never heard of and soon was the talk of the department according to the operations consultant, One day I walked into where I worked before my shift he came straight over to me and started to talk to me, which I had to tell him that I was leaving as I've got a new job. Which was sad as it could of been big for McDonald's and could of started a campaign off within the company. Even at my new job now people know and there are so many people that support me.

On my birthday I felt I wanted to try something different.

In September I came out on Facebook on my male profile to get loads of supportive messages, then a couple of days later to go out close in the public in Blackpool with my closest friend, which he was very encouraging telling me to lift my head up as I spent most of it looking at the floor but I generally do that as male. The only reason I was out in Blackpool as I needed to toilet and had to use the females.

Blackpool

I think the biggest achievement happen on Christmas Eve, I got invited for drinks with everyone I used to work with at McDonald's. I decided not to fight my feelings at the time and went as female. This was the first time I've been around so many people that I know and all where supportive which was the reason why I did it as we was in a big group so no one would bother us anyway, plus I was wasted before I got to the pub due to waiting on my friend. The males that was there was awesome I didn't get any handshakes, I got hugs which was awesome, I got treated as female which will be a night I will never forget.

Christmas Eve 2014 I was wasted

With so many things done in one year which has flown by. I said at first when I found out that I was scared what would happen and now I'm petrified after all the stuff I've done, and the transformation along the way, how much in fashion has changed and I think for the better, the improvement of make-up. All this makes me think. What has this next 12 month going to be like? Will I end up staying female? If so will HRT happen? So many questions and it really bothers me as the journey continues. I've still yet to go out in the day as female, I'm still yet to wake up and have a wash to then get ready as female.

How I've changed in 12 months

Am I still scared?

Absolutely, but I would never have got this far if it wasn't for the support that I've received so to everyone that knows me.

Thank You
xx

These last few weeks have been awful when it comes to who I am, by that I mean suffering from Gender Dysphoria. I've wrote a post previously about Gender Dysphoria but it mostly contained facts and information, I also spoke about experiencing it, but after these last few weeks that was nothing compared to what I went through recently, that was just a warning sign to say this shits is going to get worse.

Anyone that is transgender, Bi-Gender  etc will defiantly tell you it aint something that is good in anyway. People experience Gender Dysphoria in different ways but most will be feeling uncomfortable in how they're pertaining their gender at the time, the clothes they're wearing. This feeling is extremely unpleasant, seeing posts on forums and with myself you just want to cry so much.  Which is what I've been feeling for around 2 weeks.  (This week 16th-22nd) I've never felt so extremely uncomfortable in... Well me. I didn't feel like me I didn't want to be me (presenting as male and having the whole male experience) it was a nightmare and it lasted for around 2 weeks and a day. The feeling that you don't belong in the body your in having male organs wearing clothes feeling naked with the skin, doing masculine things really affected in how I was thinking and whilst at work it made it extremely difficult. I couldn't think straight, I made so many mistakes luckily only little things that wouldn't affect anything.

No matter how hard I tried to concentrate it just became an argument which makes you feel extraneous to the gender that is just incompatible to what sex you are. On one of the days it got that bad I had to take my dinner hour away from my work premises where no one was around and just cried I just needed to let it all out. I just came to that point where I couldn't hold in how I felt, how uncomfortable I felt in being me. I work in a place where you can't go anywhere that other people don't go. Sure people would come up to me and try and console me try to understand but they won't feel what you're going through and sometimes being away from other people is the best way to let it out, and sometimes come back feel better... Yeah it didn't work it just kicked off again. It was frustrating for me as I would be trying to do my work and it would look like I had Tourette syndrome or something as I kept flicking my head doing little short movements, making short quiet noises which was me trying to hold in the tears from being so uncomfortable, It really is the worst feeling I've ever had. Crying is something that I don't do. Apart from being angry occasionally happy no other emotion really exists. 

Anyways during the weekends I had no bother I can only imaging that is down to having the freedom to be which gender I feel more strongly. During two weekends (14th-15th Mar and 21st-22nd Mar) apart from football and being at my Mum's on the 15th March I spent them mainly as female. Which was kind of convenient as I just bought a contouring kit which I spent the time also learning to use whilst I was presenting female over both weekends.

For this look

This is the first time I've use the contour kit, Don't think it made any difference to light and dark but I feel that it looks better than using just foundation, powered blush and powered bronzer, took about two hours to do, using a tiny amount of foundation, small amount of powered bronzer and blush. lining my lips with black eye liner blending it in with 3 colour lipsticks (pink, purple and red) topping it off with gold shine lip gloss.

Eye liner for eyes and mascara. 

This Monday (23rd that has passed) has been the only time this week where I've felt any dysphoria and the rest of the week has been as normal as my weeks go. Even though Monday was my only day that I felt the dysphoria it doesn't mean that I stopped thinking about it. I'm thinking even as I write this post "Do I need to see my GP"? I don't think my GP will be able to help but refer me to a gender specialist that will provide the information and help in any other way, BUT yes but in caps, my Gender Dysphoria has subsided which I remembering that other Bi-Gender people have/had experienced dysphoria that lasted for weeks and stopping. Like mine has. I have booked a week off work soon so I've decided that I will make a decision for then if the dysphoria comes back, as I have the time to go to my GP and see from there without work hours interfering. I suppose another reason why I'm putting it off is if I do see someone it will be the case where the gender specialist might turn round and say you're transgender and in total denial about it? I don't really know. I suppose I need to ask myself that but as of now my answer is no and I don't feel that i'm in the wrong body all of the time. I'm presenting as female more, but it that not down to me being more comfortable in who I am? Or could it be that I'm just slowly coming to terms that I was always meant to be female?

Over the past few months I've spent more money on my female side than my male side, clothes make-up, footwear. I've now started to make wishlist which is something I've never done as male. It's coming up to my first year since find out about being Bi-Gender and one year really isn't enough for me to say "I'm a women in a mans body." maybe next year or the year after that, who knows the big question that will has been in my mind pretty much since day one has been Who am I?

Hey guys.

Sorry for the late post been extremely busy, on my week off I didn't really achieve anything, as I was just extremely tired and spent most of it in bed. I did present female twice but didn't go out. Last week we had a snow storm and I love snow. Where I lived snow isn't something that happens a lot and even when it does it's bad and not worth me getting ready and for the snow to stop and not stick to the ground, it happened and I went out.

(I wore this outfit but with Black Leggings with the attached skirt and a chocolate coloured long parka coat)

 As the snow stopped and a little of rain kicked in which I made me mad and I decided to head back I walk about five minutes away from my house from the park where I was. When I got in the rain stopped and I decided to get ready for bed when I looked out of the window and the snow was coming down again... Gutted

The topic for this week is mainly about being able to have a masculine appearance and a feminine appearance which is a massive struggle and I'm still learning even now and will be forever on going. This subject has pretty much popped up in most or if not every post I've done but in small amounts particularly when I did a post about shaving.

Best Of Both: Shaving
Body hair was something that apart from my chest that never really bothered me as you see girls with hairy arms which is what was on most of my earlier pictures, I took me around six months to decide to go down the route of shaving my chest being the main thing as it stopped me from wearing dress as they mainly come down to show some form of cleavage... Luckily for me none of my clothes go that far but far enough to see if you had chest hair. Being Bi-Gender at the time scared the hell out of me as I never knew enough about it and with the momentum that it was gathering from the support I never knew what was next and shaving was something that really shit me up as most of my friend would say before they knew about my female side was that I was a very masculine person from the gym, gaming, sports and the way I looked with the body hair. I was rich in the stuff not to the extreme but enough. So shaving was a big deal as I always felt for me men that shave was either homosexuals, Body Builders and guys that think there gods gift to women. (yes as a male before I found out about Bi-Gender I was childish and a pure dick)

During the summer after I found out I was Bi-Gender a couple of lads that I worked with was talking about shaving and how it's the thing now with lads as women now don't like hairy men anymore. At the time it didn't affect me but after I went out as female I noticed all the hair and felt sick, So a week later I thought if i'm going to go out more as female i'm going have to start shaving and it hit me when the two lads that I worked with that spoke about it so after thinking I went a head with it an no one at work noticed my arms with no hair. So the result ending in keeping my appearance where I have the best of both.

Best Of Both: The Body

The Body is something that I'm concentrating on next. I'm over wight by about 1 maybe 2 stone, Although I've lost body weight I would like to be lower, maybe around the 11st/10st. The place where I work has a fitness instructor and I've decided to go to her about my diet, which wasn't unhealthy but not enough, so I had to look into changing that and a change to a couple of things. The diet starts this month for me and I will make a big push to lose weight. Body mass is falling off me which I've noticed with the fact that I've had to wear a belt to stop my pants from falling down and my female clothes are becoming baggy.

Best Of Both: Voice

One thing that I'm looking into is training my voice to be more feminine but it's the biggest thing that scares me... In fact it petrifies me. It's a thing that I know I have to do but when searching on Youtube and other sites for training videos there has been no videos done by anyone that is Bi-Gender they've only been done by transgender people.

Why does this scare me?
It scares me because of they find it hard to talk in their male voice, I know they mainly talk as female full time so eventually after talking in the female voice they trained it will be hard to get back to the lower pitch they talk. I know that this won't be the case for me at the moment but I feel if I practice for so long I think I will I lose my male voice or it will sound campy and not as it is now. I don't like the sound of my voice on a mic but it's my voice, but I know it has to be done.

Updates

Since I've had my week off which I was supposed to do a couple of posts I've been very busy not having much time at all with the hours I work and other things that has popped up at the last minute. I've done a few things since my last post as it hasn't all been all work and no play. I've started a new hobby with Warhammer (Fantasy) it's a hobby I've wanted to start doing for a few years but after one of my friends has been playing it I had to. Which after buying a starter pack with loads of modals which comes with glue, paint etc I've only started to paint and within 3 weeks I don't have a modal finished and yet to play a game.hopefully in a week I will have at least one modal finished I supposed changing my mind on colour is a big factor. I go to the Games Workshop regular after work now on a Fridays now, and I have spoke to the shop manager and spoke about being Bi-Gender as on the Friday when I was there I didn't feel masculine at all and felt extremely uncomfortable in the clothes I was wearing and how I was presenting so I felt I had to tell him for the future, and as I was going to the shop the next day who knows I could of presented as female.

(Modals I'm doing not finished yet and the colour has changed)

Last Saturday  (7th Feb) I went to watch my first Ice Hockey game to watch the Sheffield Steelers with my friend that I play Warhammer with. He knows about my female side and has seen me as female when I was out on Christmas eve, but we never spoke to each other that night. I was feeling extremely feminine but I thought to myself I didn't want to do something so that was big with someone that I haven't really spoke to as my female side and didn't want it to make him feel uncomfortable. We've talked about it and I've said if I see you the next day etc would it bother you if I presented as female which he's "like yeah it's fine" which for me hasn't happened yet but will do soon. We are planning going to another game next month and hopefully I will bring my closest friend with me (Ainsley) which has been out around the public with me as female and will help with getting rid of any awkwardness that might arise at any point, I doubt it will happen but I like to be prepared.

Anyways I didn't present as female but I went in my male skin which for the whole day I felt extremely uncomfortable as I hate wearing male jeans as their to heavy and thick for me, I only wear them when I'm going to cities or going out somewhere that doesn't require a suit but needs to be more dressed up that trackies. When we got to the Motorsport Arena in Sheffield I noticed for such a manly/masculine sport it was attended by loads of females which made me feel worse in regards to how I was presenting and felt as which gender I was presenting. we sat next to the glass and at both sides and behind of me and my friend we was sat next to women. I couldn't believe how many women watched this sport and I loved it. The Steelers went on to win 4-2 against the Nottingham Panthers which was well attended. I'm planning on going to watch the Steelers again on the 7th March against Belfast hopefully I will have Ainsley with me and if it triggers I shall be presenting female.

(Snakes Pass Pennines Lancashire and Yorkshire)

I found that picture on my phone which was while we was on a road called Snakes Pass. Its a mountain pass that gives you great views for miles around and a view of Manchester on a clear day also. It's the first time I've been there normally if I'm going to Yorkshire it's normally the motorway.

Me just before I wrote this post... Hi :)

Hey all

It has been a while since I posted a something about a particular topic and this week I want to talk about what it must be like living with someone that has to see the changes that people are Bi-Gender and I can imaging people that are Transgender also.

Being Bi-gender isn't easy and same goes for transgender but even though I have spoken to people and looked through forums and other peoples blogs I've never seen anything about who they live with, nor do I see many thank the people that they live with also. (I'm mainly on about the people that accept them or has no choice but has to put up living with them)

It must be hard or weird for my Dad as I don't general present female much, it works out works out like 3/4 time a month which really is nothing. I won't let anyone see me when I feel that my gender has switched completely and I will be a total bitch if anyone decides to walk into my room when I'm getting ready. I will never tell anyone that I'm going to get ready as female mainly as I generally just start to get ready without thinking about it, but I've noticed that it will happen when my Dad has nipped out or fast asleep either on the couch or in bed, so I don't get disturbed . I will generally give hints during the day if I feel conflicted which my Dad never gets. The biggest hint is that I always want to do things early as possible mainly in the mornings so I can get sorted then get ready and spend the rest of the day as female if the switch happens.

One thing that I had on my mind was how would it affect him seeing me before he goes to sleep or when he nips out then the next time he sees me it's coming out of my bedroom door with longer blonde hair, boobs, and female clothing all without warning. I must have some effect on his mind even if its for one minute. Going out just for 10 mins or so having a nap on the couch seeing me as his son then coming back and 20/30 mins after hes back  or woken up then seeing me as his daughter. It must have some effect.

The big thing is he acts all fine about it, it might not bother him but my point of this post is what about the other people that are Bi-Gender/Transgender that live with someone. How do they feel? (you could live with a friend) I spent most of my Christmas at my friends on boxing day I went shopping with him, got back to his went up stairs to his gaming room went to the loo and 40 mins later I came back to his room as female. It didn't look like it bothered him mainly as he has gotten used to it but it was at his house. He probably knew as he knew I took my stuff just in case and I told him that it could happen and he could of guess that I was getting ready as female, but there is something called a poker face. It makes me wounder do we really appreciate the people that we live with as it mustn't be easy for them seeing there love one/friend go into the loo or not seeing them for a period of time hiding away and then watching them walk through a door as the opposite gender.

So this post goes out to the people that has to cope living with use.

Thank you

Updates and stuff


This Update is for 2015 New Year, New Me.

After I've spoken to a few friends about the clothes I wear and the comments made about them and my body I've decided to add a dress, leggings/tights. I've been told on a few occasions that I have really good legs and I should try the the dress and legging etc so I've started to. On boxing day it was the first time I wore a dress (hoodie dress), leggings, leatherette shorts and knee high boots. It was only since I did the post on footwear did a few of my friends actually say about my legs, as I've always worn jeans when I've been out.

The hoodie dress is extremely comfy and I wore with leggings and my knee boots that I got from New Look. It was snowing also so I had to go out, when cars/people went past no one looked at me any different.. well not what I noticed.

I also managed to get my hands on the boots similar to what I wanted from Schuh/River Island but I had to order them from China which came in 2 weeks and less than the delivery expected time. So I decided stuff it lets wear them when I went to McDonald's with my Dad.

I didn't get any pictures before I went to McD's,

 but this is pretty much what I wore just with legging instead.

Last Sunday 11th Jan was the first time presenting as female that I've been out with my Dad even it was a 10-15 minute drive to my local McDonald's, I did wear the boots throughout the day and I wasn't changing them when I went to McDonald's. I didn't go in and it was due to my Dad wanted to go inside to order rather than the drive thru, I was going to go in as I noticed a few people that saw me on Christmas Eve that was working when I look through the window. One thing stopped me and that was the local kids that have been plaguing the store and cause trouble, with it being my first time out with my Dad I didn't want to ruin it by going in and them finding out and trouble that it could caused so I stopped the car.

I can tell why this design has been copied and more than one clothes chain stocks this design. Also it has got fashion blogger going wild over them to and I can see why, there extremely comfy and I know I could walk in them all day, you can't tell that there's much of a heel because of the way the platform of the boot is designed and the fabric on your leg is super soft... Well for mine it is and mine isn't suede, for me it's like wearing a slipper haha. The boots can also be worn with practically anything, I teamed my boots with a tartan dress, legging which and wore a long coat with faux fur round the sleeves and the hood. I didn't realize the coat was chocolate colour as I'm sure the shop said it was black but meh I like it and it's a start of my collection of winter coats.

The week of 12th-18th Jan I few things has happened not relating to me being female but I will be blogging about. Also from tomorrow 19th Jan, I'm officially off work for a week and I will use it to write a few posts and hopefully some new things will happen, such as waking up and getting dressed as female for the first time rather than in the afternoon, going out on my own as female, who knows what could happen.

Hey Guys

December has been very quiet for me and I only presented female twice, both was big occasions. It was the worst when it came from suffering dysphoria also. I don't have a specific topic this week but I have updates on other post which relate to posts that I did about Clothes, Shaving and Bullying etc.

Weight/body Fat
When I started my new job I was in a males size 38/42 pants, within the 6 months I've cut the junk food mostly and eat healthy, with all the running round the warehouse, and a little exercise I'm back down to a 32/34. The only problem is I have none of these sizes in clothes yet, and having to wear a belt, and now my female clothes are also becoming slightly big also. It's still weird as even though I'm shrinking in body mass I'm still 14st/ around 196 ibs

My eating pattern has also changed, I have a healthy...ish breakfast which consists of one bowl of cereal (normally something whole grain) or beans, sausage on toast, then I will head out to work, after my first bus I will have bacon and sausage barm with a latte all my milk is semi-skimmed even for breakfast. Then around 13:30/14:00 I will have my dinner which is normally sandwiches chicken or turkey less fat with two bags of salt and vinegar squares (94 cals per pag) and that will be it till the next morning. I will sometimes eat when I get home but very rarely.

Planning To Do Videos
I also now have a web cam and I'm thinking of doing some video for a while, but due to time mainly and I've not felt any different regards to my gender it has just been male. r. If anyone wants to ask any me any question doesn't matter how silly they might be just ask them. (Questions are only silly if you know the answer to them)

The only questions that I will say about because many people have ask me them is;

1. Are you gay? (meaning will I like men) A. I will always like women no matter which gender role I feel, I have always like female and forever will.
2. Do I sit down when going to the bathroom/restroom? I do that most time even when I present male, nothing worse when your standing up and it goes wrong and everywhere I really can't be bothered cleaning up.

Shaving

Since I posted about Shaving I have changed how I have been shaving and also my skin is becoming more used to it also. I still get rashes on my chest, my Thighs are clearing up from rashes and spots and my skin is smoother than one of my friends. I've started using sugar body scrub once a week and really I shouldn't use it after I've shaved as it does open up little cuts caused by shaving, but the results are just brilliant. I will use post shaving cream after I have dried myself but the journey goes on. I have started to shaving in the bath as the temperature of the water is more constant and opens the paws of your skin meaning a better shave... Apparently
The down side is that my bath is extremely small so trying to get to some areas is harder, I do have a shower after shaving as you're washing yourself in your hairs which thinking about it is disgusting.

Pain is beauty

Make-Up 

My make-up collection has also increased mainly eye shadows and blush. When buying presents for Christmas I came across the No.7 range that Boots do. Most of the products they have get really good reviews and I though why not try some of the products they offer, so I decided on a bundle which was 4 eye shadows, one blusher, make up brushes, eye lash curler and some lip gloss.They came in this neat little bag that also came with a neat price tag of £50.

During the Black Friday deals on amazon I kind of screwed up when buying more make-up with out reading what he item actually was I kind of rushed to buy and when it came I realized that it was a Bratz brand and looking at it and my thought of stuff it lets try it. It made me think that this is aimed at young girls maybe early teens and if I had any kids of my own I would never allow my daughter to wear it as a casual day to day thing... unless it was a fancy dress or something along those lines. It had like a gel type eye shadows of many colors, two shades of blush, and two lipsticks red and like a dark pink. Which all comes in a neat box.

Harassment 

As some of you have read in one of my post was that I started to suffer from a couple of small mind less intellectual people that started to harass me. After the post it got worse and worse and even other people started to notice that it was going on. At one point the way they was commenting on my sexuality and gender started to get stronger. This week (Mon 15th- Sun 21st Dec) it go to the point where I just had enough, I just want to come to work and do my job. This week one of the douche bags cut a bag up and in front of his friends just shouted out. "Nick here's a dress, try it on."

That got to me instantly as at the time I was suffering from so much dysphoria with my gender it was just horrible without someone trying to make it worse. This one is a small guy and as a person that is very loud but I thought to myself he had some intellect about him so I thought I would tell him the basic of what Bi-Gender really is. I pretty much said for me dressing as female is just the tip of the ice burg and not something that happens loads, its the feelings that I have which really make things difficult. His response proved me wrong and made me feel so low. "well you shouldn't wear a dress then"

At that point I had to go for my tea break and have a think. I went to a room where no one goes where I was just hiding my tears just if anyone came in the room. I had a think about my next move knowing if I let it slip now it would get even worse for both parties and I didn't want to go back to the dark aggressive world I used to live in and in this case leave the little bastards flat on their arse in the car park, which would of made things loads worse for me anyways and I don't think I would be serving others similar to me very well.

Luckily the department manager knows about me being Bi-Gender and has known for a while so when I came back off my break, I spoke to him away from the warehouse and told him what it's like and how I feel about being Bi-Gender and what was going on. He took action straight away when we got back to the warehouse, I don't know what was said or what he did but since then I've had no trouble. I said I didn't want any disciplines I just wanted it to stop as the two lads are just clowns and people that when you see dicking around making themselves look like pricks it just makes you laugh and that is what they do. They make the department more bearable to work in. I Think I should of told my department manager about this a while ago. On my mind was when I told the boss of the company he told me its how I deal with the negativity as not everyone would except it. I knew that also but I expected it to come from the people that was religious and are strong to their culture that don't except transgender/homosexual people etc, and the worse thing about is they haven't. It's all come from English people, which aren't religious or cultured.

A few day after it all happened I did get a few pats on the back from other people saying I did the right thing via telling management and got a few people saying they was proud of me for going down that route. Don't get me wrong kicking the hell out of someone is fun when they have upset you, and when your bigger, taller and stronger its funny but it's never the answer, it will make you feel better for a while but I see it like drinking you will have a come down or a hangover and it will hit you. The consequences could be hard on you such as being on work premises you could get sacked, get arrested and the biggest one is you could feel guilt. Not a feeling that I would take easy as i'm not a person to feel guilt so I would have no idea how I would cope feeling it.

Clothes and fashion Sense

I really want some more cloths without waiting. This means going out as female as buying female clothes as male is something that I don't want to do. I think we will be raiding Primark for cloths main reason for that is the clothes are cheap so I can easily find the style and choice of clothing without spending loads of money. I went Manchester with a close friend and she wanted to go into Primark which was awesome as it meant I could scout out cloths and the main reason what size of footwear they do up to, I saw some boots in my size so it made me happy so when the times comes of me going to shop for clothes as female I won't be wasting much time looking. I do intend to look in River Island still as I still need a coat and I've only seen one from River Island that I like. If I find one in Primark I will get it and wait for the one in River Island. I would like my first time out to be with as many friends as possible as I don't want any trouble and if there a good few of you, it will be harder for people to start trouble, Plus it will make me feel better being with people for support.

who knows when it will be or what will happen next.

Hey all.

I hope you have had a great Christmas? I know for me Christmas came early. I was invited to the pub with the people that I used to work with, some of them left working at McDonald's a month or so before I left some still working there, but when it comes to an all out messy piss up you're guaranteed that they will unite together for it and get messy together. Hopefully in the future I will join them round town as female which I plan within the next 12 months.

I worked with most of them when I found out I was Bi-Gender and the support they gave was awesome, and I have always thought to myself how can I repay there kindness and acceptance. I know many of them wanted to see my female side and with me leaving for my new job that went down the hill in regards to me presenting female.

This month has been a hard month I have been suffering from so much dysphoria regards to my gender it has really made me feel low and when I got the invite I felt it was the perfect opportunity to present as female if the opportunity comes across and not fight it like I have done for most of the month. The journey which I'm on felt like it came to a stop as even though I had my days off to present as female, I couldn't do it as it would be the same stuff and not doing anything and staying in the house. Sure it would settle the dysphoria down but I've been craving to get out and interact with people even with my masculine voice I just needed to get out.

Weds 24th December 2014

The day had come I finished work at 2pm and headed home, I got in around 15:45pm with only a few presents to wrap and a quick tidy up of the house. I was expecting my friend to come round around 20:30pm-21:00pm, think I started to get ready around 19:30pm I don't know for sure what trigged it off and wanting to go to a crowded pub with a good few of us that I knew dress female. The only thing I can think of was that I needed to get over this hurdle that was stopping me from my journey. I knew that I could go and everyone would be good about it, so what a better way to get out and meet people.

My best friend was delayed by about one hour and that was after I was ready so by the time he came my nervousness that I felt had pretty much gone. I was pretty much angry and on the way to being drunk as I had around 5 shots of Jack Daniels and 2 cans of beer before I set out, some of it was Dutch courage but most was because I hadn't had a drink in a while.

After my friend arrived we quickly went to pub to meet up with everybody and I have to say how good everyone was, I got treated as female for most of it, I was expecting the lads to give me a hand shake but they treated me female and gave me hugs which I expected and I love hugs, I think at first some people was shocked as when I said about being Bi-Gender people thought it was a load of B.S, or that I would never show them/never have the guts but I got comfy quickly and was chatting away to people that knew who I was and was reminiscing of old times some people kept say about how good my eye make up was, about my hair and one lad called Kyle who just is one of a kind asked me about my boobs haha. So I thought fuck it and told him to have a feel, I know it sounds weird but being open is what I'm about and obviously he was curious of what they was to gave my body the shape so it was for me more about educating him, I know his girlfriend called Lauren wasn't happy at first but he felt her's then mine again, which she then felt mine. It was funny and I didn't see the bad side as being a bitch will get you nowhere and nothing was meant by it, and he got some fun and education out of it. Kyle treated me as I presented which was female and I loved it, most of the people that was with us did.

Kyle 

(He is really a nutcase but awesome)

I wanted to meet one person that was there and that was a fantastic girl called Abi. She is amazing has has always been there for me out of the people that was with us. I not saying that the other wouldn't but we have spoke to each other via facebook profiles and I was reluctant to meet her. Another girl that made me me happy was one mentioned recently which was Lauren, When we go into the pub she instantly noticed me and I spoke to her the most in the pub and she was more than supportive, and made me feel really welcome and apart of something which I've never massively had that feeling. People that I wanted to see and people that was with us was very good and didn't refuse to have pictures with me which really made me happy and feel special. Carla is another person that I have to mention, she has been very supportive and has said about going out sometime which I will take you you on that offer at some point, I've still never been to Nandos even though I work round the corner from one.

Abi

Overall the night was awesome and really was my Christmas present, I managed to do the hardest and most important part of my journey so far, anyone can ignore there feelings but to follow up on them go through with them is something. My friends said they was proud of me for not being ashamed of who I am well I'm proud to have you guys my life as for me it takes guts to accept someone that is different and treat them as a normal people. There are a few people that I've not mentioned its not because it didn't sink in what you did but this post would go on like for ever. I can see in the future when I can freely do what I want and hopefully we will become good friends as female with some of them and go on nights and even shopping.

I would like to thank all of the people that I was with not just being there for me but making my first time out with people I know special. Like I promised to people that have been there for me you will get a chance to see my female side and I kept that promise. There are a few people that still need to see my female side and I haven't forgotten.

My tips for people is don't be a slave to your emotions and feelings as it won't get you anywhere and will make matters worse by keeping them in believe me on this I know and it will affect your life from friends, family and work. Be confident in who you are even if it means necking some form of an alcoholic beverage. Go and have fun, if your friends know about how you are and are happy then why should they reject seeing you for who you are.

Left Bottom: Tori. Left: Carla, Jade. 

Center: Declan and Amelia (Underneath Dec)

Right: Me and Nathan

Dean

(This guy is a legend)

Random Girl

(She was with the group but was awesome)

(If someone gives me a name I shall edit)

Right: Terri. Center: Me. Right: Lauren.

Boxing Day

Christmas day was a male day even though my I really wanted to present female, reason for me fighting my feelings of not getting ready was because of I was going to be in a strange location and with newer people. I also was with my Mum and Step-Dad and my Mum has told me she doesn't want to see me as female, even though she does she does supports me, kind of a backhanded way of support but I have to respect her wishes and for the sake of a day it wasn't worth the trouble.

Anyway I have spent most of Christmas at my friends and I just felt feminine and I just thought stuff it. I have been told to be myself by both my friend and his house mate which we get on well so i took them up on it and got ready as my female side. From the get go he was supportive and didn't have a problem. He had to nip out and I thought I would look out the window to my amazement it was snowing and snowing heavy which I had to take a picture.


Left: Ains

Right: Daz

I spent most of my Christmas with these two clowns but to be honest I can't think of any other clowns I would spend it with total acceptance from the beginning. When I got home I thought stuff it so I grabbed a picture of me and my Dad

This has been a busy few days and it only got better which is why I got delayed posting this as Boxing Day also had a something I could add to this.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and hope you all have a happy New Year.

Thanks to everyone that has been there for me this year from first coming out and coming joining me along the way. Without you there is no way I could have got this far. No way could I have entered that pub with you guys not being there. No way could I have gone to Blackpool, gone for walks, coming out on Facebook etc. You Guys are my hero's. People have told me that their proud of me and what I have achieved in such short time, but I'm proud of you as it takes guts to accept someone that is different and shows it in front of other people whist you're there. Your Strengths give me mine. With the new year fast approaching I can't wait to see what I will be doing next, I just hope next year I find love and someone that accept me for me.

Thank you
Sarah
xxx

If there is one is one thing about being different to other people whether its being homosexual, Transgender, Bi-Gender, or dressing towards a culture (Goth, Emo etc) and many more you will have that one person at least that will either take a joke to far or really make life hard for you to benefit themselves.

Luckily for me I have had so much support it's been amazing and made me so confident and has really made me what I am today, but now I have bumped into problems, it's surrounding this one individual. He calls me names, he talks out aloud to people that didn't even know, he really does go to town on me. Personally I don't see him as a bully, just an idiot that thinks it's funny and doesn't understand the concept of what Bi-Gender is... Probably never will.

It's been going on for a month now, I don't find it funny but I don't find it where it upsets me, I don't let him get the best of me. It pisses me off but that is the hard part, it makes me think "Boy if I could only finish at 17:30 and knock him out in the car park" or just go round to where he goes on a night out and get him there. As awesome as it would be to get my own back it isn't the answer. Accepting your different means that you have to be strong on the inside. The thing is I know that I have nothing bad to feel about as I know he has a daughter and I know he takes drugs (I remember him telling me in August/September). I don't know how much he sees his daughter but I know he aint worth it, as I'm sure his daughter will end up disowning him when she comes of age if he carries on, that is if he hasn't over dosed himself by then.

Some of the names I get called or phrases  that are used are;

"Lady Boy"
"Go get a frock on"
"No, you can't suck my Dick"
"Go Suck dick"
"Stop looking at my ass" (which I don't nothing to see)
"Stop touching me" (why the hell would I do such a thing)

He also likes to sing a song which is really only one line which no one laughs at mainly as he can't finish it.

"He wears a frock he loves the cock Nick,Nick"

Mostly are aimed at me liking other males which I know i'm not. Even when I present female, I will always go for females.
It generally makes me laugh, it really does. Mainly as he really is a fucking idiot. he's lazy, a prick and he doesn't think his life is worse than mine. I generally don't talk to him unless I need to. It's him that starts something from nothing. I know many people would get upset or pissed off but that's not how I work. If I can't handle someone that says a load of bull then how and I going to handle when someone does worse? I know it will happen at some point.

Name calling doesn't hurt specially when it's from someone you don't care about. If he dies tomorrow I'm not going to give a fuck, if he comes in saying he can't see his kid (again i'm not sure if he can or not but if) I will generally not show any compassion. Why would you? He went round telling people that I didn't tell and made up a load of bull. Yes you can lash out but the biggest question is? Is it worth your job? No its not. I spend around 5-6 hours and I don't see him all the time, plus their is a chance I won't be in the same area for my time there.

The thing that does my head in is how inaccurate everything he uses are, or when he tells other people that I never told. 99% of the time when hes on his own he says nothing, So is getting worked up worth it? Not really when I'm taller and around 4 stone heavier and still faster that what he is.

I only see this as a positive as everything he says is wrong anyway and I know that my life is so much better than his. I know that Karma will happen and will affect him more than it will with me. I know I have so many people that are with me than against me. If you're transgender, Bi-Gender, Homosexual, Emo, Goth etc it doesn't mean you have to take the shit people give you. It's about how you react to people. You go to work to work, not really to make friends. If you do good, a nice bonus.

My advice to you if your going through the same or similar is don't let people bring you down especially if you have great support and following like I have. Look to the future, so if you just have to work with them why let it bother you?
Bullying is what you think of the situation really. For me its someone that's trying to look cool in front of people. When he has been on his own he normally talks to me about football. (NFL and soccer) so for me it doesn't really get to me so let him have his cheap laughs as I know his problem outside of work will be worse than mine. One day he will piss the wrong person off and they will swing for him.

If you feel that you're getting bullied their are many ways to deal with it if you want to stop.

• Talk to that person. (They might not know they're hurting or offending you)
• Talk to the next in command. (sometimes it better as they're not snotty and can put things in better perspective for that person that has offended/upset you)
• Talk to HR. (HR - Human Resources are a great way to settle most issues and have all the information to help you and help put a stop to bullying, but not all HR departments are great)
• Talk to the higher ups or even owners depending on what type of business you work in. (If you talk to your bosses and they know about your situation than it's great way to sort any issue out as they will act)
• If all else fails there are many methods that can be helped outside of the work place, such as legal action, or in the UK we have a service called Acas.

Acas

Acas are great to use. They give free advice for problems in the workplace. This service can be used for employees and employers, They offer other services at a price to business to help them with the HR side of things. Acas has government sponsor so you are guaranteed not go get rubbish only the impartial information that you need for the issue that you have. They will give you the rights that you have as an employer or employee and will even give you links to the right places. They will help you for all business HR related questions not just bullying.

Contact details

Number: 0300 123 1100 (UK)

Hours: (8am-8pm Monday to Friday and 9am-1pm Saturday)

I Don't think there's an e-mail but even if there was I wouldn't use it. I would advise you speak to them so you know how they sound on the phone and they can always e-mail you the information you need. You can always write notes down using pen and paper or use notepad, word etc. These for me are a last resort but you can also compare notes from what your HR or bosses say to what Acas say. Acas will tell you what is law.