Hey Guys

December has been very quiet for me and I only presented female twice, both was big occasions. It was the worst when it came from suffering dysphoria also. I don't have a specific topic this week but I have updates on other post which relate to posts that I did about Clothes, Shaving and Bullying etc.

Weight/body Fat
When I started my new job I was in a males size 38/42 pants, within the 6 months I've cut the junk food mostly and eat healthy, with all the running round the warehouse, and a little exercise I'm back down to a 32/34. The only problem is I have none of these sizes in clothes yet, and having to wear a belt, and now my female clothes are also becoming slightly big also. It's still weird as even though I'm shrinking in body mass I'm still 14st/ around 196 ibs

My eating pattern has also changed, I have a healthy...ish breakfast which consists of one bowl of cereal (normally something whole grain) or beans, sausage on toast, then I will head out to work, after my first bus I will have bacon and sausage barm with a latte all my milk is semi-skimmed even for breakfast. Then around 13:30/14:00 I will have my dinner which is normally sandwiches chicken or turkey less fat with two bags of salt and vinegar squares (94 cals per pag) and that will be it till the next morning. I will sometimes eat when I get home but very rarely.

Planning To Do Videos
I also now have a web cam and I'm thinking of doing some video for a while, but due to time mainly and I've not felt any different regards to my gender it has just been male. r. If anyone wants to ask any me any question doesn't matter how silly they might be just ask them. (Questions are only silly if you know the answer to them)

The only questions that I will say about because many people have ask me them is;

1. Are you gay? (meaning will I like men) A. I will always like women no matter which gender role I feel, I have always like female and forever will.
2. Do I sit down when going to the bathroom/restroom? I do that most time even when I present male, nothing worse when your standing up and it goes wrong and everywhere I really can't be bothered cleaning up.

Shaving

Since I posted about Shaving I have changed how I have been shaving and also my skin is becoming more used to it also. I still get rashes on my chest, my Thighs are clearing up from rashes and spots and my skin is smoother than one of my friends. I've started using sugar body scrub once a week and really I shouldn't use it after I've shaved as it does open up little cuts caused by shaving, but the results are just brilliant. I will use post shaving cream after I have dried myself but the journey goes on. I have started to shaving in the bath as the temperature of the water is more constant and opens the paws of your skin meaning a better shave... Apparently
The down side is that my bath is extremely small so trying to get to some areas is harder, I do have a shower after shaving as you're washing yourself in your hairs which thinking about it is disgusting.

Pain is beauty

Make-Up 

My make-up collection has also increased mainly eye shadows and blush. When buying presents for Christmas I came across the No.7 range that Boots do. Most of the products they have get really good reviews and I though why not try some of the products they offer, so I decided on a bundle which was 4 eye shadows, one blusher, make up brushes, eye lash curler and some lip gloss.They came in this neat little bag that also came with a neat price tag of £50.

During the Black Friday deals on amazon I kind of screwed up when buying more make-up with out reading what he item actually was I kind of rushed to buy and when it came I realized that it was a Bratz brand and looking at it and my thought of stuff it lets try it. It made me think that this is aimed at young girls maybe early teens and if I had any kids of my own I would never allow my daughter to wear it as a casual day to day thing... unless it was a fancy dress or something along those lines. It had like a gel type eye shadows of many colors, two shades of blush, and two lipsticks red and like a dark pink. Which all comes in a neat box.

Harassment 

As some of you have read in one of my post was that I started to suffer from a couple of small mind less intellectual people that started to harass me. After the post it got worse and worse and even other people started to notice that it was going on. At one point the way they was commenting on my sexuality and gender started to get stronger. This week (Mon 15th- Sun 21st Dec) it go to the point where I just had enough, I just want to come to work and do my job. This week one of the douche bags cut a bag up and in front of his friends just shouted out. "Nick here's a dress, try it on."

That got to me instantly as at the time I was suffering from so much dysphoria with my gender it was just horrible without someone trying to make it worse. This one is a small guy and as a person that is very loud but I thought to myself he had some intellect about him so I thought I would tell him the basic of what Bi-Gender really is. I pretty much said for me dressing as female is just the tip of the ice burg and not something that happens loads, its the feelings that I have which really make things difficult. His response proved me wrong and made me feel so low. "well you shouldn't wear a dress then"

At that point I had to go for my tea break and have a think. I went to a room where no one goes where I was just hiding my tears just if anyone came in the room. I had a think about my next move knowing if I let it slip now it would get even worse for both parties and I didn't want to go back to the dark aggressive world I used to live in and in this case leave the little bastards flat on their arse in the car park, which would of made things loads worse for me anyways and I don't think I would be serving others similar to me very well.

Luckily the department manager knows about me being Bi-Gender and has known for a while so when I came back off my break, I spoke to him away from the warehouse and told him what it's like and how I feel about being Bi-Gender and what was going on. He took action straight away when we got back to the warehouse, I don't know what was said or what he did but since then I've had no trouble. I said I didn't want any disciplines I just wanted it to stop as the two lads are just clowns and people that when you see dicking around making themselves look like pricks it just makes you laugh and that is what they do. They make the department more bearable to work in. I Think I should of told my department manager about this a while ago. On my mind was when I told the boss of the company he told me its how I deal with the negativity as not everyone would except it. I knew that also but I expected it to come from the people that was religious and are strong to their culture that don't except transgender/homosexual people etc, and the worse thing about is they haven't. It's all come from English people, which aren't religious or cultured.

A few day after it all happened I did get a few pats on the back from other people saying I did the right thing via telling management and got a few people saying they was proud of me for going down that route. Don't get me wrong kicking the hell out of someone is fun when they have upset you, and when your bigger, taller and stronger its funny but it's never the answer, it will make you feel better for a while but I see it like drinking you will have a come down or a hangover and it will hit you. The consequences could be hard on you such as being on work premises you could get sacked, get arrested and the biggest one is you could feel guilt. Not a feeling that I would take easy as i'm not a person to feel guilt so I would have no idea how I would cope feeling it.

Clothes and fashion Sense

I really want some more cloths without waiting. This means going out as female as buying female clothes as male is something that I don't want to do. I think we will be raiding Primark for cloths main reason for that is the clothes are cheap so I can easily find the style and choice of clothing without spending loads of money. I went Manchester with a close friend and she wanted to go into Primark which was awesome as it meant I could scout out cloths and the main reason what size of footwear they do up to, I saw some boots in my size so it made me happy so when the times comes of me going to shop for clothes as female I won't be wasting much time looking. I do intend to look in River Island still as I still need a coat and I've only seen one from River Island that I like. If I find one in Primark I will get it and wait for the one in River Island. I would like my first time out to be with as many friends as possible as I don't want any trouble and if there a good few of you, it will be harder for people to start trouble, Plus it will make me feel better being with people for support.

who knows when it will be or what will happen next.

Hey all.

I hope you have had a great Christmas? I know for me Christmas came early. I was invited to the pub with the people that I used to work with, some of them left working at McDonald's a month or so before I left some still working there, but when it comes to an all out messy piss up you're guaranteed that they will unite together for it and get messy together. Hopefully in the future I will join them round town as female which I plan within the next 12 months.

I worked with most of them when I found out I was Bi-Gender and the support they gave was awesome, and I have always thought to myself how can I repay there kindness and acceptance. I know many of them wanted to see my female side and with me leaving for my new job that went down the hill in regards to me presenting female.

This month has been a hard month I have been suffering from so much dysphoria regards to my gender it has really made me feel low and when I got the invite I felt it was the perfect opportunity to present as female if the opportunity comes across and not fight it like I have done for most of the month. The journey which I'm on felt like it came to a stop as even though I had my days off to present as female, I couldn't do it as it would be the same stuff and not doing anything and staying in the house. Sure it would settle the dysphoria down but I've been craving to get out and interact with people even with my masculine voice I just needed to get out.

Weds 24th December 2014

The day had come I finished work at 2pm and headed home, I got in around 15:45pm with only a few presents to wrap and a quick tidy up of the house. I was expecting my friend to come round around 20:30pm-21:00pm, think I started to get ready around 19:30pm I don't know for sure what trigged it off and wanting to go to a crowded pub with a good few of us that I knew dress female. The only thing I can think of was that I needed to get over this hurdle that was stopping me from my journey. I knew that I could go and everyone would be good about it, so what a better way to get out and meet people.

My best friend was delayed by about one hour and that was after I was ready so by the time he came my nervousness that I felt had pretty much gone. I was pretty much angry and on the way to being drunk as I had around 5 shots of Jack Daniels and 2 cans of beer before I set out, some of it was Dutch courage but most was because I hadn't had a drink in a while.

After my friend arrived we quickly went to pub to meet up with everybody and I have to say how good everyone was, I got treated as female for most of it, I was expecting the lads to give me a hand shake but they treated me female and gave me hugs which I expected and I love hugs, I think at first some people was shocked as when I said about being Bi-Gender people thought it was a load of B.S, or that I would never show them/never have the guts but I got comfy quickly and was chatting away to people that knew who I was and was reminiscing of old times some people kept say about how good my eye make up was, about my hair and one lad called Kyle who just is one of a kind asked me about my boobs haha. So I thought fuck it and told him to have a feel, I know it sounds weird but being open is what I'm about and obviously he was curious of what they was to gave my body the shape so it was for me more about educating him, I know his girlfriend called Lauren wasn't happy at first but he felt her's then mine again, which she then felt mine. It was funny and I didn't see the bad side as being a bitch will get you nowhere and nothing was meant by it, and he got some fun and education out of it. Kyle treated me as I presented which was female and I loved it, most of the people that was with us did.

Kyle 

(He is really a nutcase but awesome)

I wanted to meet one person that was there and that was a fantastic girl called Abi. She is amazing has has always been there for me out of the people that was with us. I not saying that the other wouldn't but we have spoke to each other via facebook profiles and I was reluctant to meet her. Another girl that made me me happy was one mentioned recently which was Lauren, When we go into the pub she instantly noticed me and I spoke to her the most in the pub and she was more than supportive, and made me feel really welcome and apart of something which I've never massively had that feeling. People that I wanted to see and people that was with us was very good and didn't refuse to have pictures with me which really made me happy and feel special. Carla is another person that I have to mention, she has been very supportive and has said about going out sometime which I will take you you on that offer at some point, I've still never been to Nandos even though I work round the corner from one.

Abi

Overall the night was awesome and really was my Christmas present, I managed to do the hardest and most important part of my journey so far, anyone can ignore there feelings but to follow up on them go through with them is something. My friends said they was proud of me for not being ashamed of who I am well I'm proud to have you guys my life as for me it takes guts to accept someone that is different and treat them as a normal people. There are a few people that I've not mentioned its not because it didn't sink in what you did but this post would go on like for ever. I can see in the future when I can freely do what I want and hopefully we will become good friends as female with some of them and go on nights and even shopping.

I would like to thank all of the people that I was with not just being there for me but making my first time out with people I know special. Like I promised to people that have been there for me you will get a chance to see my female side and I kept that promise. There are a few people that still need to see my female side and I haven't forgotten.

My tips for people is don't be a slave to your emotions and feelings as it won't get you anywhere and will make matters worse by keeping them in believe me on this I know and it will affect your life from friends, family and work. Be confident in who you are even if it means necking some form of an alcoholic beverage. Go and have fun, if your friends know about how you are and are happy then why should they reject seeing you for who you are.

Left Bottom: Tori. Left: Carla, Jade. 

Center: Declan and Amelia (Underneath Dec)

Right: Me and Nathan

Dean

(This guy is a legend)

Random Girl

(She was with the group but was awesome)

(If someone gives me a name I shall edit)

Right: Terri. Center: Me. Right: Lauren.

Boxing Day

Christmas day was a male day even though my I really wanted to present female, reason for me fighting my feelings of not getting ready was because of I was going to be in a strange location and with newer people. I also was with my Mum and Step-Dad and my Mum has told me she doesn't want to see me as female, even though she does she does supports me, kind of a backhanded way of support but I have to respect her wishes and for the sake of a day it wasn't worth the trouble.

Anyway I have spent most of Christmas at my friends and I just felt feminine and I just thought stuff it. I have been told to be myself by both my friend and his house mate which we get on well so i took them up on it and got ready as my female side. From the get go he was supportive and didn't have a problem. He had to nip out and I thought I would look out the window to my amazement it was snowing and snowing heavy which I had to take a picture.


Left: Ains

Right: Daz

I spent most of my Christmas with these two clowns but to be honest I can't think of any other clowns I would spend it with total acceptance from the beginning. When I got home I thought stuff it so I grabbed a picture of me and my Dad

This has been a busy few days and it only got better which is why I got delayed posting this as Boxing Day also had a something I could add to this.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and hope you all have a happy New Year.

Thanks to everyone that has been there for me this year from first coming out and coming joining me along the way. Without you there is no way I could have got this far. No way could I have entered that pub with you guys not being there. No way could I have gone to Blackpool, gone for walks, coming out on Facebook etc. You Guys are my hero's. People have told me that their proud of me and what I have achieved in such short time, but I'm proud of you as it takes guts to accept someone that is different and shows it in front of other people whist you're there. Your Strengths give me mine. With the new year fast approaching I can't wait to see what I will be doing next, I just hope next year I find love and someone that accept me for me.

Thank you
Sarah
xxx

If there is one is one thing about being different to other people whether its being homosexual, Transgender, Bi-Gender, or dressing towards a culture (Goth, Emo etc) and many more you will have that one person at least that will either take a joke to far or really make life hard for you to benefit themselves.

Luckily for me I have had so much support it's been amazing and made me so confident and has really made me what I am today, but now I have bumped into problems, it's surrounding this one individual. He calls me names, he talks out aloud to people that didn't even know, he really does go to town on me. Personally I don't see him as a bully, just an idiot that thinks it's funny and doesn't understand the concept of what Bi-Gender is... Probably never will.

It's been going on for a month now, I don't find it funny but I don't find it where it upsets me, I don't let him get the best of me. It pisses me off but that is the hard part, it makes me think "Boy if I could only finish at 17:30 and knock him out in the car park" or just go round to where he goes on a night out and get him there. As awesome as it would be to get my own back it isn't the answer. Accepting your different means that you have to be strong on the inside. The thing is I know that I have nothing bad to feel about as I know he has a daughter and I know he takes drugs (I remember him telling me in August/September). I don't know how much he sees his daughter but I know he aint worth it, as I'm sure his daughter will end up disowning him when she comes of age if he carries on, that is if he hasn't over dosed himself by then.

Some of the names I get called or phrases  that are used are;

"Lady Boy"
"Go get a frock on"
"No, you can't suck my Dick"
"Go Suck dick"
"Stop looking at my ass" (which I don't nothing to see)
"Stop touching me" (why the hell would I do such a thing)

He also likes to sing a song which is really only one line which no one laughs at mainly as he can't finish it.

"He wears a frock he loves the cock Nick,Nick"

Mostly are aimed at me liking other males which I know i'm not. Even when I present female, I will always go for females.
It generally makes me laugh, it really does. Mainly as he really is a fucking idiot. he's lazy, a prick and he doesn't think his life is worse than mine. I generally don't talk to him unless I need to. It's him that starts something from nothing. I know many people would get upset or pissed off but that's not how I work. If I can't handle someone that says a load of bull then how and I going to handle when someone does worse? I know it will happen at some point.

Name calling doesn't hurt specially when it's from someone you don't care about. If he dies tomorrow I'm not going to give a fuck, if he comes in saying he can't see his kid (again i'm not sure if he can or not but if) I will generally not show any compassion. Why would you? He went round telling people that I didn't tell and made up a load of bull. Yes you can lash out but the biggest question is? Is it worth your job? No its not. I spend around 5-6 hours and I don't see him all the time, plus their is a chance I won't be in the same area for my time there.

The thing that does my head in is how inaccurate everything he uses are, or when he tells other people that I never told. 99% of the time when hes on his own he says nothing, So is getting worked up worth it? Not really when I'm taller and around 4 stone heavier and still faster that what he is.

I only see this as a positive as everything he says is wrong anyway and I know that my life is so much better than his. I know that Karma will happen and will affect him more than it will with me. I know I have so many people that are with me than against me. If you're transgender, Bi-Gender, Homosexual, Emo, Goth etc it doesn't mean you have to take the shit people give you. It's about how you react to people. You go to work to work, not really to make friends. If you do good, a nice bonus.

My advice to you if your going through the same or similar is don't let people bring you down especially if you have great support and following like I have. Look to the future, so if you just have to work with them why let it bother you?
Bullying is what you think of the situation really. For me its someone that's trying to look cool in front of people. When he has been on his own he normally talks to me about football. (NFL and soccer) so for me it doesn't really get to me so let him have his cheap laughs as I know his problem outside of work will be worse than mine. One day he will piss the wrong person off and they will swing for him.

If you feel that you're getting bullied their are many ways to deal with it if you want to stop.

• Talk to that person. (They might not know they're hurting or offending you)
• Talk to the next in command. (sometimes it better as they're not snotty and can put things in better perspective for that person that has offended/upset you)
• Talk to HR. (HR - Human Resources are a great way to settle most issues and have all the information to help you and help put a stop to bullying, but not all HR departments are great)
• Talk to the higher ups or even owners depending on what type of business you work in. (If you talk to your bosses and they know about your situation than it's great way to sort any issue out as they will act)
• If all else fails there are many methods that can be helped outside of the work place, such as legal action, or in the UK we have a service called Acas.

Acas

Acas are great to use. They give free advice for problems in the workplace. This service can be used for employees and employers, They offer other services at a price to business to help them with the HR side of things. Acas has government sponsor so you are guaranteed not go get rubbish only the impartial information that you need for the issue that you have. They will give you the rights that you have as an employer or employee and will even give you links to the right places. They will help you for all business HR related questions not just bullying.

Contact details

Number: 0300 123 1100 (UK)

Hours: (8am-8pm Monday to Friday and 9am-1pm Saturday)

I Don't think there's an e-mail but even if there was I wouldn't use it. I would advise you speak to them so you know how they sound on the phone and they can always e-mail you the information you need. You can always write notes down using pen and paper or use notepad, word etc. These for me are a last resort but you can also compare notes from what your HR or bosses say to what Acas say. Acas will tell you what is law.

My hair is one of the biggest things away from friends and family etc that I care about. Hair for me defies you as a person, it helps to create that first impression when you meet someone new. Your hair gives you character and shows the world what type of person you can be... or show people that would rather judge you than you talking to you passing in the street. Hair is important.

Unfortunately for me it doesn't matter whether I present as male or female my hair is apart of me that is incapable... Ish of staying on my head. Since leaving McDonald's I feel that my hair has started to get slightly thicker but I'm unsure of how long it will take before the situation gets better or if it ever will.

To present as female I have to wear and I really hate calling it this "wigs." I really feel embarrassed wearing them as I know it isn't mine. I'm restricted to what I can do. Their are probably loads of way and techniques into doing things where you can pardon the cliche but "keep your wig on." I have seen some special glue that you can get that will do just that without hurting you taking it off. I have one issue with the glue, I don't present female long enough. It's very rare that I will present as female for more than 6 hours, it's not that I can't do it or I don't want to do it, but it's mainly down to when triggered. I have never woken up and decided what gender I want to be that day or when I have gotten out of the shower etc, this is mainly to I don't decide on what I want to do it just happens. I don't look in the mirror and think I really need some make-up on or think I hate my hair. I just go into my draw get what I need and then do what I must, I don't question it, or think about it I just do it.

My Hair... Okey Wigs

Since April I've changed my hair and all have been different colors and prices. Like with make-up and clothes etc I start cheap then work my way up as I get more comfortable or where I want to something big and the only way to achieve this is getting better stuff in. My first wig I got would have probably been classed more as fancy dress item more than something a Transgender /cross dresser/ Bi-Gender person etc would wear, but at the time I wanted cheap hair to learn from and had no research under my belt so where was I really suppose to go, it was all about getting that bit of clay and starting to mold it into something I liked or something I know I could move on from. Think it cost around £15 on ebay can't remember the store.

One of my first pictures

The crappy hair was a stepping stone and I soon moved on from it very quickly. You couldn't work with it, you couldn't really comb it, it was already curly and you could even see from a massive distance that it wouldn't fool anyone if I was out side never mind making me feel more feminine more like an idiot so I decide to do research and fast.

After the research which I did very quickly think it was two week later I got hold of better hair that was made out of a Synthetic material and could be brushed, curled and straightened using real hair straighteners and hair curlers but only up to 120 degrees Celsius, which after trying a few times work but not to the extreme and took longer, but like most things it was a start and it looked like hair and not like a joke. It cost me around £27 again on ebay.

It really made a difference in not just the look but how I felt as female, I felt more feminine more the part that I should be. The confidence and positive for myself just sky rocketed I could start and do more things not just to my hair but make-up to. The only problem was it was harder to style, I think I broke 3 brushes alone as it just got so knotted and was harder to style. I used to have long hair, well not as long as the piece that I was using and it didn't seem to knot as much. Whether that was due to my hair being thin I don't have a clue. When I finally decided to venture outside (I've done this a few times all at night) for the first time no one really said anything to me I just had someone whistle at me as they went past on their bike. Only once has someone really tried to interact with me and it was when I was walking over a field at like 2am in the summer. Me thinking no one will be out will be okay for me, turned out people was camping in the field and someone was on riding round on a bike, which they called me over and calling me using female pronouns but I decided to ignore them and carry one walking. I was crapping my pants as one of them could of ridden over to me and I haven't yet really tried to train my voice to be more feminine but there are issues that I face which I will write in another post. Anyways he didn't ride over thankfully and I just continued with my journey, without any other human encounters. Think the other thing about that night where I walked into a spider web and nearly screamed... Luckily I put my hand over my mouth to stop me. Not the best thing to do at night when you visibility is very hard.

I now have new hair and if you knew me (male side) you would never guess the colour
I have gone for. For many years since leaving school I have only really had dark hair colours, think I've had blonde highlights in and I once had black hair with blonde streaks in when I went to watch Versailles in London, was like the best day ever and managed to share the occasion with two totally awesome people in the world and miss so much. Hope your still loving South Korea miss you both loads. x

My hair now is shorter bit to short for my liking but I'm hoping that I could add some extensions maybe. If I can it will be real human hair and will be from the same place I bought my hair from so I can dye them altogether. Wearing it for the first time I was like wow, not the fact that I think it looks good, but the colour totally changes how I look, well I think so anyway, not meaning that in a vein way but being used to having darker hair whether its my male side or my female side its just different. It's been over ten years since my hair was light. When I was younger my hair was just pretty much white, think I was around 13/14 when my hair changed colour and went darker.

Okies then for my latest hair... Pft okies wig. I bought this from a shop on the web. The website is http://www.wigshow.co.uk. The wig is hand made, and took around 10-12 days to make. It cost me £77 (84 including delivery I think) which I think is good for real human hair.

The size is slightly smaller but it will fit on my head and wouldn't bother me wearing it for long periods of time, plus in the new year I'm going to concentrate more on my weight and try to bring it down. So by this time next year it will be prefect, hopefully I will have some results on my real hair. I think the longest I've worn a wig was around 12/13 hours, and I never got feed up of wearing it during that time. I weird as anything that I would wear to present female I doesn't bother me as you just get on with the day and eventually it feels like part of you, just like the breasts do, they both can be easily forgotten about. The role that I am at the time takes over.

Other Things

I shall be doing an update on another post about my new hair as I have only worn it a couple of times and not for very long either but I plan to do something soon that will be a new to the journey that i'm still on. I just hope what ever happens it will be as awesome as all the rest of the events has been.

The good thing about my journey so far is that so many things has happened in such a short time and all my experiences that I've had have all been positive from coming out to going out. Many people have told me from private messages to comments on my wall or even my Dad telling me how brave I've been, but for me it isn't about how brave you really are. It's not about are you ready, because everything I've ever done has been non of them.

Blackpool being the biggest thing I've ever done and I've had an awesome friend that help me push along the way. If you have the support you need to feed off it. You also need to do it for yourself, I don't want to be stuck inside four walls because I want to present female, I generally want to go out, at the stage i'm at I would want to be with friends as less people will start causing trouble when your in a group, so I know I have the support and it's down to us all getting the time to meet up and for my female side to trigger I will never trigger it on purpose, you need to do it when you feel natural, forcing it for me will only make it worse.

When I went to blackpool I knew one of my friend was coming round and never planned to present female, I just ended up watching family guy before he came round and then just grabbed my make-up and got ready. Think I finished getting ready 15 mins before he came round, he didn't know I would be female, and acted normal greeting me as female when he saw me.

But anyways I'm after attending the Manchester Christmas markets as female this year also hope I might get the chance to go to the Trafford Center as female we will have to see, and which friend will want to go with me. If my mother would have been more comfortable with me being female I have presented female for Black Friday as I have the day off work, and I would get to go shopping!!! Plus its pay day also. So Cyber Monday for me it is then.

Hey all

This week big topic for me is shaving.

All girls do it, and now it seems more men are taking to the razor, waxing etc to remove body hair. I will be writing this post from both my male and female sides. I was supposed to have wrote this during the week but due to the awkward hours my male side works it's to late to write a post, we can only plan on future topics. This is yet another topic that will be split into parts as it's a new ending story and changes will happen the more it goes on.

So here goes another personal topic and experience that I and many other people go through.

Before My Skin Went Under The Razor
As my male side from the first moment I found out that I was Bi-Gender I said when asked "would I ever shave?" At that time I strongly believed that it would be a step to far and would end up emasculating my masculinity. I would only go as far as trim over grown body hair, but from this summer I heard a few male lads that shave their bodies and when I went on my brothers stag do I got a massive impression that a couple of the lads shave. Can't say I'm sure on that one I didn't ask as really just think about it on a stag do, "hey man do you shave" like come on how camp and bad of a question would that be? Awkwarrrrrrddddd.


But still hearing that many males shave that live fairly normal lives kind of made me relax, and let my guard down.

As for my female side shaving was never important at the time, as I had many other things going on and I was still constructing a basic image with clothing and make-up etc, I suppose that is a never ending thing but I feel that everyone has that style they follow and use guidelines etc. A big thing that never made me think about shaving was I've seen many girls with hairy arms, not really hairy but visible to the naked eye and easily seen on photos so it never bothered me or even made me aware.

Hair on arm/hand

Shaving only hit me a few days after I was out in Blackpool within the public presented as female did my body hair become a problem. For some reason I was thinking about how awesome my time presented as the gender I felt with no one causing trouble etc.

I know I've used this image a few times but it just goes with so many posts at the moment.

The first time I shaved my body I didn't even think about it. I just went for a normal facial and didn't intend on presenting female but for some reason I accidentally just ended up shaving my hairs on my hand off... Then my arm hair soon went. (That's where my female side triggered) One hour later it came to me having a shower, just before that I ended up getting the clippers out and shaving the extreme amount of hair away from my legs. I then got in the shower and shaved my legs.

Hair on arm/hand

I didn't have the best razors and I think I went through 6 razors when I did my arms, legs and chest etc. I used Shaving creme and I had some skin conditioner by Nivea at the time of doing this.

The Aftermath Thoughts And Feelings From Then To Now 

A I was shaving I had a thought "what should I wear?" It ended up being a black dress without any leggings or jeans, but then the temperature dropped (In my flat the temperature can change quickly without being in the shower or bath) As I was getting ready I ended up catching my skin on my leg and was hit with the feeling of total smooth skin. I couldn't believe how smooth my skin was, it was like the hair kept my skin free from spots or rashes, I now look back at some of my photos and think "why didn't I shave sooner?" It makes me feel so uneasy looking at the older photos where I see body hair. My hair was like a second skin. I never knew how smooth my skin was.

With my flat that I live in starting to get cold and with no body hair to help me keep that little bit warm I needed something to help but without having to wear leggings or jeans. (heating was turned on but would take an hour to start to heat up) I do look at fashion mags and in at the moment is my favorite footwear and really the only type of footwear I have which are boots. I only ever tell people about my ankle boots, and my knees, but the ones I wore on this occasion was something I would never go out the in and will just wear them when its cold and only with me in the house and that is my over-the-knee boots. I know the way I describe them might have some people thinking I keep them for some form of sexual activity but I don't. I rarely wear them it's just when it gets cold in the flat at night mainly. I hate UGG boots or any type that resemble them, so they're out of the question. These for me was the best option to try with my skin being now exposed without hair.

In my flat it doesn't matter what mode i'm in, if I know I have nothing planned I will wear shorts and a tee-shirt or a light material top. I don't really like the picture above main reason is due to my camera I used to use being broken and I had to use the surface for the pictures. I don't care how bad I looked or how slutty it seemed, I never went out and stayed in and those boots kept me warm.  I think suede boots would of been better but I don't have any... Yet.

One thing I nearly forgot to mention is how good the boots felt whist wearing them. It made me think on how much feeling you lose when your body is covered in hairs. Another thing about shaving was it revealed how dark my hair was and made me see how much of a milk bottle my skin is. Maybe next year the sun beds might be on the cards, not like obsessive as you can get hold of skin hormones that will give you a tan. I only know this as I saw them in Holland and Barrett's whilst shopping for protein and muti-vitamins.

A few days after shaving mainly my legs it started to mess up my skin with rashes and spots, I have no idea why this was as I shaved with the grain on my skin and not against plus I did moisturize my skin daily. I can only think this was down to using clippers first on my skin as it did produce loads of scratches and would of damaged my skin before taking a razor and shaving which after reading many forums it drys your skin anyways. I think the razors was a factor also as they was cheap crappy ones that have no moisturizing applications on them. I think my skin needs to get used to shaving as well. Not sure it that true but my skin at the time looked a mess, now isn't to bad, as I use "Wilkinson Sword Xtreme 3 Beauty" which comes with 3 blades in stead of the 2 I've been using, they also come with some sort of moisturizing application on it, the blade is more flexible and pivots at a 30 degree angle... And it still cuts the shit out of my leg and I think even more than the crappy 2 blades with no moisturizing blades I used to use. Black Friday is around the corner which Cyber Monday will follow so I hope the price of the better Razors will drop massively and will also look into better skin care. I think that working in a dusty warehouse doesn't help for my arms no matter how often I wash my arms and shower.

Shaving isn't just about my legs. It opens more opportunities to show skin. Showing skin for me is legs and tops like in the photo above and more arms. No showing of the belly from me sorry to get many hopes up. Joking, even if I had a flat stomach I wouldn't show. (maybe next year I will work getting more in shape, but one step at a time)  

Shaving for my male side has changed mainly the way of image. Only one person has asked about me shaving and that was by another male. I work with a few females that aren't afraid to voice their options and will ask questions so we done to them for noticing... Not. Even as male I have changed on how I see body hair and now really don't like it. I've looked a few times at my skin whether its my body or legs etc and thought how disgusting. I've seen on a few forums how people let shaving take up so much time and time is not what I have a lot of. I tend to spend around 30 minutes shaving from facial to the whole body, probably the reason why I end up with loads of cuts.

I highly doubt I will ever go back to being hairy ever again. In the past I've had my legs waxed for charity and I really don't know why most men cry like a bitch as I really don't think it hurts. I remember at one charity event there was these two lads one I knew and they was screaming like they was going to die it was so funny then I got roped into it and I have witnesses, people with their phone recording me thinking I would scream when I only turned round to watch the rugby league internationals on TV (think it was England vs Australia at Leigh Sports Village stadium where England thrashed them) until they was finished with my leg haha this is all true by the way.

Not thought of my next topic but I did get a text off a courier company called DPD. The only thing I'm expecting is my new hair, which I have had made custom that took 12 days to make and is real human hair, so I can dye it and do other things that with synthetic hair you couldn't. I can straighten my synthetic hair that I have now but up to 120 degrees Celsius.

This post isn't going to be a long one as it can be just WWWWAAAAYYYYY to long and I have a small amount so this will be part one.

Clothes is a major thing for me... Well everyone really. It's not that hard to find them it's finding the right style that I like. As me I'm just to fussy. River Island and New look are some of my favorite shops in the UK, one reason is down to them having my size in footwear to start with. Unfortunately the biggest problem with role swap is you can change you gender but not your body. If I could it would be my feet first, as they're a size 9 (UK) and trying to get a good pair of shoes and boots, as well as the size its the size for the calf's that are a problem for me as most knee boots the calf's are like enormous on me, Think I'm like E maybe, again i'm not sure on those sizes or what they mean but I aint hell EEE, think when I bought a pair and I could it my other foot at the top and slid it down to the bottom calf of the boot not sure how I managed to do that but I did. Boots tend to be very tricky and they tend to sell out quickly for my size... Well at River Island they do.

This where the likes of Amazon and Ebay are your best friends as the prices aren't that bad either. On Ebay I tend to buy from shops in China and Korea for clothes and I look at footwear, I also look for the more expensive shops if I know that they will fit and I like the style. If its for a style that I want to try out as £3 for a top that I might not like or might even be to small isn't something that would bother me if it was wrong, if I do like the item and know I will like it I will pay more for the delivery.

I'm not a massive fan of shops like Miss Selfridge, I'm not sure why? I look at some of the items and think maybe when I'm 30 plus.

Lately I've been looking this ebay store
called rezzychen2009

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/zanzeamode/

I have bought things from here before as the quality is good and is a really good way to try a different style without paying over the odds for clothes that you might not like. They are based in China so delivery will take between 1-3 weeks, normally takes me 1-2 weeks for the item to come.

Another store that I've been looking at is ssongbyssong

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/ssongbyssong/

This store is based in South Korea and is like the more expensive and higher quality and does loads of K-Pop style fashion clothing so if you want that K-Pop look this is the shop to look at. I could easily spend all my wages here.

Yes Style is a shop that I will be shopping from loads in the near future, The prices are reasonable and have seen this site recommended on forums, they specialize on Asian clothing and have regular sales. They also cater footwear in my size also which is a massive bonus as even on ebay finding my sizes are a massive task, most places go to size below mine. :'(

http://www.yesstyle.com/

On another site that I'm on I get a few messages on the style of clothing (in a good way) is different and I do get asked about where I get my clothes from. I think it's down to seeing the women dressing the same all the time. Jeans, leather jacket and trainers, Don't get me wrong they do go together well... Except the trainers/ Converse style trainers. I try not to look the same, I know I'm going to contradict myself here and say that I wear jeans loads but that is due to me feeling comfortable in them, but its mainly down to my own thoughts of it hides my lover parts well even when tucked. My gender may change but body doesn't. If I could look in the mirror and think I want to wear leggings or similar clothing outdoors then I would, but even though I wear jeans you will rarely or if ever catch me wearing trainers. Think I have only ever presented female and wore trainers once and that was due to me hurting my ankle and was swollen. Apart from that I have always worn heels even in the house think my footwear with the lowest heel is 2.5 inches and highest is 5 inches and yes I can walk for some distance without stumbling over or without complaining. I admit I don't wear them very often as I prefer my ankle and knee boots that are both block heels. 2 1/2 inch for my ankles or my knees which are around 3 inchs... Think I wear my knees the most, both are from New Look.

The most recent thing clothes wise is a jumper that comes with a belt and a hoodie.
The Jumper that I have is very comfy for me and fits just awesome and keeps me warm. The belt that comes with it for me is a nice touch.

The hoodie is quite long which can be worn with leggings... Think I will stick with jeans one if I was to venture out or sweats for indoors... Which I don't have yet

This is the Hoodie I bought and love

To finish off  for this part one of clothing as I will be doing another one in the future. The next item of clothing that I need... Yes need is a onesie. With weather getting worse for rain and with it getting colder something that is comfy and keeps you warm is on the cards.

This onesie is one most fans of anime will know about or be able to know which anime it's from. The anime is called My Neighbor Totoro (Totoro is the name of the character). The animated film is by Studio Ghibli and  unfortunately that the studio will be calling it a day from the movie side anyways. This onesie looks cute and is also Unisex so any gender can wear it. People that love Studio Ghibli just need to have this in their life just look at those small ears and its cute little tail. Next month maybe but Jan it will happen.

This post has to be the most important for me (female side) as I'm getting to that point where I think I need to get out. Most of the time I'm stuck in my home, which is small and cramped can't really go anywhere with me being in a flat, but first some updates of my journey

Halloween

From what I read on forums and spoke to other people that are Transgender, Bi-Gender etc they felt that it was better and easier for them to go out as female on Halloween (first time) as pretty much you can get away with it... Suppose you can get away with it any day now really (in the UK at least) as not many people care. I was thinking of going out myself mainly to present my female self but I found Thursday morning that my prosthetic breasts had split. I have ordered some more but they didn't turn up, an me going as female will not happen this weekend. I'm very upset as it was a golden opportunity to meet everybody. (And no I will not role up socks or underwear)

The Hopeful Gig

As some people know I'm going to watch a punk band called Against Me! I bought the tickets so I could go as female, as the lead singer is Transgender and after speaking to my friend that has seen me as female about it and he said yes to the tickets so after purchasing them a couple of months later he got back to me say he couldn't get it off work, a massive doubt about me going as female as I would have no support and also would be a downer. A couple of days ago I spoke to a friend that I worked with and spoke about the idea of the gig and having a spare ticket and she wants to go and to me as female for the first time. She has been very supportive and one of the few people that know me as male since leaving McDonald's has messaged me, without me messaging first. That goes for my male side also. It does mean no Satan's Hollow but it ain't like it won't be there for my next gig I go to or if I fancy a night out. Gigs then Satan's Hollow end up being better as if it's open as sometimes the artists/bands that perform sometimes go the after party and you get to meet them and get drunk together. Think I heard that Crossfaith ended up being dragged out they got so drunk haha.

Being out to everybody

The awesome Brin Convenient

As of last Sunday (26/10/14 UK date) I am now out as Bi-Gender to everyone, so now everyone that knows me now knows the correct story and not something that someone thinks. On Sunday (26/10/14) I came out to my step-dad, I expected him to be very negative as he sometimes lives so far in the past Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley are still alive, but he was so positive was just brilliant and supportive which he asked loads of questions. It makes me feel so free now to the world as I don't have to worry about anyone saying a load of rubbish to my mother and step-dad. What makes me so happy is how everyone has been and I never thought that some of the people that I came out to would react so positive.

The stunning Paige Abendroth

Do's And Don't's

And now to the part what the post is about the do's and don't's.

As my journey is picking up pace and being out to everyone, I want to meet more people and just get out there. Mainly for meeting people that have known my male side longer I can understand that people might struggle to adapt to seeing me presented as a female, the whole thing changes from gender, the use pronouns, gender plus a few other things all change.

Gender is linked to identity, it is what identifies you as a person. Being Bi-Gender doesn't change your sex as I will always be male in that aspect with the organs etc, but it's about how I present myself and how I feel at the time. If I present myself as a female that is because I am female.

Changes when presenting female

        Latest Male picture                    to                          Latest female picture
        Month: October 14                                                   Month: October 14

• Name: Nick to Sarah
• Pronouns: Him, he, his etc to Her, she, her's etc (everything that is masculine turns to feminine)

I'm not a person that will snap and go mental because of the wrong name and use of pronouns, I'm more relaxed about it than others. Think if I did my Dad would probably be dead as he still refers to me in masculine forms when I'm presented as a female, which yes I can see a good side to it as his thoughts hasn't changed but it is like flicking me on the ears once every so often you want to scream the right name for him to use, as he has seen me a good few times to know that I aint my female side by the way I look, dress and way my I talk. (not as in by tone but the way I say things are more feminine) 

It's also like getting an electric shock every time I hear "Nick" being used it just make me jump. Although I really should correct him, I find it hard to do so whether it is due to him being my Dad and I think "he's just thick as concrete, with nothing in his head except for that 1 pea that occasionally rattles around" so telling him won't do anything but I think it has something to do with me being his son. I can only imagine what it must be like for him to see his son dressing and looking like a female. It must be tough to see it happen even though he might put on this be who you want attitude but he is supportive so I can't knock it... If that's the case Fuck me if my Mum ever sees me... HI MUM!

Their are more things but I shall leave them to when I can think of them, at the moment it's about meeting people that I know so if we meet that is how I would like to be spoken to and treated, the best advice I give people when people ask me about when they're in similar situations but with a different person it's not the best method and comes across as being a stereotype another word is called clocking.

Clocking is a word that I picked up looking through youtube videos linked to people talking about their experiences being Transgender and Bi-Gender. Clocking is where someone will check you out (not in a pervy way) to check to see what gender/sex you are. So they will look at everything breasts, a bulge in your groin area and voice mainly. Pretty much how I tell people how I do it, I try to tell people to go off make-up and observe that first. I'm not talking about just foundation as I have noticed loads of men that now use foundation and some even to their eye brows too. That is when I move to the next features such as the breast area and bottom, I don't do this as a pervy way but to not create an awkward situation. I try to keep away from names if I don't know them and also keep away from using pronouns until I know/they tell me. 9/10 I've already guessed right. Horrible yes but a good tool to use when trying to find someone out if you need to talk to, if not I don't bother checking.

If you know that the person you are talking to has alternate genders then just go as how you see them, it's how I tell people. "You see me with long hair, It's Sarah." You see me with short hair/no hair as it's falling out it's Nick." With me its very easy if you know my male side you will know if it's him or not. For me I will never go out with just long hair. Make-up, feminine clothing and 9 times out of 10 will have heels on... Even in my home I will wear heels. (unless something has happened to my feet/ankles)

"If you lived the life you were told to, who's life would you be living your's or their's?"

A big thank you to Paige and Brin for letting me use their videos