Anxiety! Depression!
The feeling of being completely alone with no one to go to, the feeling
of being useless to yourself and really everyone and anything. You feel you’ve
fallen so low, it is like how do I get back up? Or when you try something
keeps happening to where you just fall back down again and again! This is just slightly
a bit of how I felt during the last 12 months (January 2018 – December 2018). October was the worst when really they should have been... Well Normal, well better than normal!
“Think about the good things!” or “think about what you
have!” tend to be the most common phrases I've heard people say… Which for some
reason they will think they are helping when really it only making how you feel worse. Really they are right for sure in most cases but it is just
not how it works. “Just forget about them and move on!” which is one for
friends, boyfriends, girlfriends etc. Again another true phrase but just
doesn’t help really.
Anxiety is probably the thing that I’ve suffered a lot from especially over the past 16 months, but I didn’t know what
anxiety was till someone pointed out to me. I can’t say I know a lot apart from what I’ve experienced generally it is where
I can’t think, I can’t breathe properly not out of breath just struggle to breathe generally. I don’t want to be around anyone and will generally just want to stay away
from people or I will be quiet around everyone. I really can be hard when it
kicks off as I have to work with people and my last few jobs including the one
I have now had all been customer-facing or having to talk to someone.
Anxiety attacks can be the worst again they consist of breathing
faster and shorter or struggle in general, I feel faint and dizzy, a number of times I have had it
where I just collapsed on the floor and a couple of times with milk in my hands
so that ended up on the floor and me to clean up and as the milk was all over
me. When an anxiety attack happens I feel like someone’s hands have just
grabbed my brain and are squeezing really hard. When it hits I will always be in
the toilets being sick through it. I just will not eat or drink at all, it has
to be forced down me most times even though I know I will regurgitate it anyway…
Sleep! Yeah, I’ve never got any when anxiety is around.
Lack of sleep is probably where I am at my worst when I am
going through the worst parts especially when it reaches three or more days as that
is where my dark side comes out. This is generally where everything that is colour
just disappears. Everything is just black and grey! This is the most dangerous
part of me, it is not that I am dangerous to others, I become a danger to
myself. That is where I will overdo things (especially at the gym) to a point where some might want to
call it self-harming. I just don’t feel pain or a desire to stop. I won’t cut
myself or anything just push my body to the max but not have a rest or eat
properly to recover.
Depression! So misunderstood, people that have never been so
far down always tend to criticise people on social media! “It is for
attention!” is what I see online. “Give your head a wobble!” Are more terms that I have seen and heard but
it is so much easier said than done! A
human mind is an incredible tool but such a destructible one also. So much of
it can drive you to self-harm and in worse cases suicide. Something I have
gone through to where it is down to pot luck I am here today. also, I went through it nine months ago and was close to just completely ending it.
Having anxiety and depression does not just affect how you
feel but it can affect your body and how it works! For me when I get hit by
anxiety and depression especially if it hits hard it affects my IBS (Irritable
Bowel Syndrome). For some it can cause diarrhoea, for others like me it causes constipation
and as I am writing this coming out of bad anxiety and a depressive state my
IBS is really acting up.
How can this happen when your brain is in the other part of
the body? Looking online there was research in 2016 and when the brain has any
stress, depression, anxiety it suppresses activities in the hypothalamus,
pituitary gland, and adrenal glands which is why they react the way they do.
Anyway! Enough of chatting crap and on to other things depression can do to the
body.
- Increase the risk of heart disease,
- hair loss,
- Inflammations,
- Loss of libido,
- Chronic pain,
- Insomnia,
- Weight loss/weight gain.
That is just some of the things on how anxiety and
depression can affect your body, as people we need to support each
other in someone’s time of need as it can affect anyone at any time and there
might come a time where you might need it, it can be a difference in someone living and someone taking their life!
Here is my dark story.
Here is my dark story.
2014
Early on when I started this blog in 2014, I spoke briefly
on when I was 14, young gullible and just starting to figure out what I wanted to
do in life, but my Mum had a boyfriend at the time who was an alcoholic, consistent
arguing, ruining holidays, Christmas amongst other stuff got on top of me from
the age of 7-14 it was on continuous problem, arguing, abuse from my mum’s
boyfriend etc. It got to that stage where it was affecting me and after seeing going
through some really bad things I could not take it anymore. One night I
remember my mum and her boyfriend got into a big fight and he slammed the door
and I assumed he left and it was where I lost it. Everything in my head just
went dark, I was breathing very heavily. I generally just couldn’t take it
anymore!
When morning came my mum went to work to which I didn’t
sleep all, it was like I had the biggest headache ever no paracetamol would shift
it, my head felt like it was wobbly was completely dizzy and really was pretty
disorientated. I found a ladder we kept in the house, went into the loft and
found some rope which was pretty thick enough to what I thought would do the trick. In the loft it had a beam that
was pretty much overhanging the entrance, I was not thinking about anyone
else or myself, it was about the outcome and just how this torment would end along
with anymore suffering that I was having, no more drunken episodes from my Mum's boyfriend, no more
fighting that went on for so long. I do not think I gave it a second thought
and down I lifted myself from the entrance of the loft on a rope to where the only
thing that was hanging on to me was a rope around my neck.
I don't know how long I was there for, all I can remember was HIM! He
lifted me up and cutting me down and gasping for
breath and could not stand for about 5-10 minutes. That changed my life forever!
2018
Fast Forward to 15th September after my first week off (in a job) in over a year, setting new highs, like going to watch the ice hockey as female for the first time and also going into town but on my own start to finish as female for the first time only for 14th September to be put under investigation. For anyone that has been placed under investigation knows it is not pleasant especially when you suffer from anxiety.
I think from the moment the allegations against me was made, was when all the problems in how I felt started. I felt sick, I felt dizzy which was only to get worse I wasn’t
suspended either so it was a normal 40 hours for two weeks. I worked all the
way through it, was going to work and having to be around the people that were
doing the investigation. Every time I stepped through the door I was hit with
dizziness some days and I had to go be sick. It was not great, at home it was not good
either to where I would get so worked up, my head would just blackout mainly on my bed as that is where I spend most
of my time. I think I knew I was going to be dismissed all the way through
it. On 28th September 2018 I was told I was to be dismissed with
immediate effect I had no emotion at all, I left and even shook the now ex-store
manager hand thinking there was no point kicking off. I am still confused to why I was actually dismissed as was the Citizens Advice Bureau. Not being there for 2 years meant I had pretty much no rights.
October 2018 that was a close one! As many know 2018 was the year I started the road to transitioning to female. I got put on the waiting
list, I had a to battle to get to see an endocrinologist to see me for my hormones but I had to be put on a 5-month
waiting list and was knocking all my goals out of the park that I set, it was
going great! …
A month went one with no luck of finding a job and I was
meant to be going to Harrogate to see my endocrinologist then going to London
the next day. All the hard work and the waiting to the day was just well
becoming to a halt and signing back on to Job Seekers Allowance to what is now called Universal Credit really hit hard. This is where the consistent headaches started, worrying about
money was not eating, constipation set in hard, all these things just hit all at once and
this biggest part of me that I think set me off on really not wanting to live
was shame. I felt so ashamed of myself that my life just crumbled so quickly
and I fell so hard as I was so close to this extremely important chapter of my
a life which I worked so bloody hard to disprove so many people that said I
could not get where I wanted to be, and in such a small amount of time was pretty much on the
verge of being taken away from me and nothing I could do about it.
All those feelings from 2014 just added and hit me with a
double dose. I know my dad was heading out to Scotland for the weekend and that
is where I thought that would be it! I (thought) lost everything, I had no
self-respect, I lost all hope in myself, I lost any good feeling about
everything and seeing everything in black and grey returned, consistently
feeling dizzy and disorientated. At this point, I was a goner. I do not know how I felt at the time how I came up with posting about how I felt on Facebook,
I generally keep stuff about being depressed off Facebook. I did not post about
how I felt regards to suicide but about being really down and depressed about
how hard life was at that moment in time… And boy I was in for a shock! People
reached out to me and messaged me, with support and reassurance. That status
also got me back on to the career path I was on in 2017. At the time the former
store manager I had on Facebook saw my status and (in black and white) messaged
me and said if I was looking for work still, with no hesitation I said yes and
it went from there. This time it would be a new store, a few staff that joined
after I left, but I would be reunited with the ones that I used to work with
and all supportive of my transition. It was one of the biggest things that
saved my life, it brought me back into an industry that I loved and colleagues
I loved, it was not just a job but also meant my transition would be back on
track!
During that week also I went to Professional Beauty North
Convention which I bumped into people that knew me from doing lives in a makeup
group and asked for pictures, but hopefully for future post it became the start
of a good relationship with the Spectrum Brush founders! It got better from
there! A couple of days later I got what would be my final pay packet from my
employer, I was dismissed from and that abled me to go to Harrogate, get the
green light to proceed with HRT on the NHS before I was to be seen at the
Gender Identity Clinic.
Generally, it took 4 days to go from feeling rock bottom to feeling on top of the world! The thing with depression and anxiety is it is like an RKO out of nowhere! It can just hit you and really send you downhill to where
you think there is nowhere to go, no one to speak to or if there is you don't want to! If you battle depression
and really try as hard as it is the rewards can be astronomical! I really didn’t
want to go out even to Professional Beauty in Manchester, but I forced myself
and when I got in I took my makeup off and clothes just got in my onesie and I
just collapsed on my bed like just fainted. It took so much to get out and go
against what my head was saying. I walked out of my home thinking am I
going to live past this week, to be feeling not that bad anymore!
In 2019 it has been a roller coaster but not as bad as
October last year. I know I need to focus on my goals and keep pushing, I need
to keep my friends I know care close and know who the right people are and concentrate on
them more. Depression and anxiety for me are nothing to me when I fight back it soon
goes as quick as it comes but it is getting the strength to push through it.
Life will always be tough and there will always be a time where you feel you can go
nowhere and it is the end, but if you can find just a small hole you can get to
when you are in that bubble of darkness keep going at it as I am pretty sure
you will succeed and emerge victoriously.
This year I've tried to really push myself to the limit and that has mainly been focusing on my transition a little be more on myself than others to a point but going to the gym and exercising has made a massive difference! You get to a point where you need to go and that mental side takes over but also the issue you have just gets left at the door but also the rewards for what you put into the gym really are massive and that becomes a massive goal and you want more and the feeling you get from putting in the work is crazy in a good way! Never give up and fight it!
This year I've tried to really push myself to the limit and that has mainly been focusing on my transition a little be more on myself than others to a point but going to the gym and exercising has made a massive difference! You get to a point where you need to go and that mental side takes over but also the issue you have just gets left at the door but also the rewards for what you put into the gym really are massive and that becomes a massive goal and you want more and the feeling you get from putting in the work is crazy in a good way! Never give up and fight it!
I want to thank some people before I finish this post
because I look back still and I can’t believe how close I was to ending it all in October 2018.
One is my store manager now. It was the start of the recovery and it really has to
help me overcome and become a stronger person and I really can’t think of how
I can repay you. Professional Beauty if it wasn’t for that event I wouldn’t have
bumped into the Spectrum Sisters. Yes, The Spectrum sisters. They have been
amazing with me and for letting me be behind the scenes in the photo-shoot they
did in January, I just hope I was a great help to you then. Another is to a girl
who I don’t talk to anymore and I have no actual reason why and it still
puzzles me, but just after my meltdown she was going through a really rough
time and we were talking for a bit and she helped me more than I think she realised.
Knowing she was in a deep hole to come out of it quickly and in style really
was a massive inspiration to me and still is.
At the time of writing this, I only had water, I guess I have
to pretend it is pink gin with lemonade but I raise my glass to you all and say
Thank You! Because you guys saved my life!
