Hi guys 

1st April 2014 was where my life changed forever, it was the day I accepted a new journey and start walking down the gender path. It doesn’t feel like two years but hell I've done so much in this time. 

This is where I'm going to start. It was a few years ago and probably before I knew about my gender issue, but I knew I wasn't happy, I was moody, not a great person to be around I was over weight, even though my tits was so on point they still was showing I had no respect for my own body, the only good thing about the picture was it taken by one of a few people that has stood by me and I still see today. The huge depressing thing about it was as male I had hair then and now it's just... well I don't want to go there. It wasn't the fact that I ate at McDonald most of the time... it really didn't help but I was just not in a great place I ate crap all the time and daily Kcal of 4000-5000 per day and huge portions of food.

When I found out about Bi-Gender it still wasn't clear to me so I spent loads of time searching about what Bi-Gender really was as many sites didn't offer much help where I would understand it. It came down to a website called Deviant Art and I found a girl called Ria all by mistake, then I read her journals and thought yeah this is how I feel and I wanted to know more, so I messaged her which I got a reply about a week later and we started to talk from there.

It was when she pointed me on YouTube to an awesome person called Brin, she had her own YouTube channel and has videos which she has uploaded so you can watch. I learned loads but then learned that she has a website called bigender.net where I soon met loads of people like me and started to learn more about me and well the rest is history but if it wasn't for Ria I would of be still in the same shitty ass dark place in my head and god knows what now.

I would like to post one of Brins videos if you would like to watch. There are also many people in the Trans* community that haven't heard of the term Bi-Gender also. 

2014

My first ever picture it wasn't great but when I started I bought loads of joblots on ebay and I got about 6 different shades and their was a girl I used to work with and she was wayyyy over fake tanned. I was never one for picture of myself, I had no confidence I always thought I was fat... mainly because I was, but anyway I thought if I'm going to take a picture of myself it has to be funny so this is it. The wig was only a fancy dress one and you couldn't do anything with it but I knew it was never going to last.

These two wasn't long after my first but I know I was drunk when I did them... Would anyone believe me then that my boobs was just a padded bra A cup and I didn't even bother stuffing them. 

I soon ditched the corny fancy dress wig and bought a synthetic wig one where you could even use straighteners to around 120oc, and this was my first dress. 

These two was around the similar time but I knew that I need to document my journey to myself which now I'm so glad I did as I can look back and think wow. 

This was the first picture that I ever looked at and thought "is that really me?" This was taken in July 2014.

This is a day will never forget it was the first time ever I went out in public as female for the first time. What was meant to be a drive turned into over an hour in the Blackpool illumination traffic and I soon needed to go to the loo and yeah I used to women's and then spent till 1am in Coral Island on the arcade machines but hey I got a teddy out of it.

November was when everything changed, I looked in the mirror and I saw me diferently and didn't like what I saw so I soon splashed out on an expensive wig and started to buy better quality items from makeup to clothes and started to learn more, So I decided to change and started looking at fashion more and to be the girl I saw myself as in the mirror and I soon started to feel happy and more comforting to who I am.

Christmas Eve where I was invited (as Male) to go have a few drinks with the people I used to work with, but it came with a twist... I went as female, it was the first time I showed myself as female to loads of people I knew all at once and also a pub that was just around the corner from me... I was plastered before I went to the pub and still had a few more whilst I was in there.

2015

Nothing really happened after Christmas eve but I started to exercise more and soon I started to lose weight, but also started to get more confident and soon was wearing dresses, boots which was getting noticed by others.

In May dresses started to become more and more and even now its rare I wear jeans or pants anymore.

12th July 2015 this would be the last time till November where I would present female, I have no idea why? In that 4 months I became very ill lost my job less than 2 hours after I handed a sick note in, Within that time I still wasn't well but got a new job at working with awesome people. 

In November the feelings came back but worse, I was out to colleagues and started to present female again.

A few days later I went back to Blackpool more confident, a better person the difference I can't deny is massive. 

In December it was the works Christmas outing and I ended up going as female it was awesome and my first time I've presented as female to work colleagues.

2016

In January it didn't stop there and I went to work to do an extra shift but out of business hours and I was allowed to come as I felt and that was female it was also the first time that I was out during the day where people could see me. At that time I was struggling with who I was, I was starting to feel depressed all the time, I started to cry a couple of times it really wasn't great and got to a point where I was presenting female all the time outside of work, days off and as soon as I got home.

The first picture on this post where I was fat, a depressive asshole with hair was taken by this awesome lady and defo my bestie. It was also where the first time I showed off my new wig and colour which has taken a while to get used to. Seeing Vicky was a over a year in the making where she was meant to come to the pub on Christmas Eve but unfortunately couldn't make it. This was the first time I was out as female in my own town and ordered my first Starbucks.

February again didn't slow down, from going to the Trafford Center Cinemas as female, I also went for my first make over with Vicky as nervous as I was when I left my house with light foundation and removed it before the make over. I was very tense. Almost forgot to mention that I also have decided to transition to female and that I am now transgender. 

Shopping as female with Vicky, the day was awesome but the shopping was awful I came back with new tights and a couple of other things. On the other hand I finally got my Starbucks name with my name on and Vick's with some name. 

Since then nothing up to now has really happened but there is no point in rushing anything. This is my latest photo.

It's messed up how someone can quickly change in appearance and as a person, I'm more at peace with myself, I've made loads of friends and I'm still close with the friends that has always been there for me. I'm more confident as a person and who knows what the next chapter of my life is.
All I can say is thank you my friends for the support, thank you to my friends that are close to me. My Dad said has said to me  "In life you're lucky to have someone you can call your best friend." I feel I'm extremely lucky to have more... Well I'm lucky to have three people close to me that I can call best friends, the only issue is that the one who has known me longest will get a shock when he sees me as female for the first time.

Thanks for reading.

Hey guys!

Sorry I’ve not written this week. It has been busy and I’m still recovering from being taken to hospital last week which mainly I’m just tired (suppose that’s nothing new haha)

As for those who read my last post I’ve finally posted that I will be walking down the road to transition to female earlier that I thought and had an appointment with my GP which was on Wednesday 17^th February.  A couple of days before I was due to go I was getting nervous not because I knew I was starting my journey where I will be transitioning (I’m shitting my pants about that) but how I would say “I identify myself as female.” Like how was I?

After speaking to a few trans* friends I heard how they came out to their doctor and it helped a little. The issue I was having was whenever you go to the doctors they always say something along these lines of “how may I help you today?” That was where I was thinking in my head and I would stop, I didn’t know why, it wasn’t the nerves kicking in god knows what it was. Anyway the day came and guess what the doctor said those lines and when I was advised to take a breath I didn’t and came straight out with it.

Trying to remember what I said is hard at best of times, but it was along the lines of “Over the last 2 years I been suffering gender dysphoria, and I want to be referred to a gender specialist to help me with my identity.”   He looked at me with great interest and asked me to describe it in more depth, which I said about when it first started was in April 2014, where I came across the word Bi-Gender, and at that time it was where I felt I was female at times, and I was really learning about myself and how I felt about myself, but over these recent months I’ve started to back track and I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing certain things that I’ve done was feminine from being a child.

I also explained about my childhood wasn’t great, so trusting people etc and my whole feelings I shut away and to a point where a few years ago my own Mother said I was heartless. I explained that only recently I opened my emotions and that is where I started feeling like I was in the wrong body and was starting to identify myself more as female. Which if I never shut myself feelings off I probably would have transitioned many years ago.

Recent Picture 

After talking for a few minutes he told me that the whole process is drawn out and is an extremely long journey, and just to be seen by a gender specialist can be a good while off. I explained that I read that Leeds GIC Clinic had bad reports and that the waiting list was around 2-3 years so called which he was shocked that the list was that long. He explained to me that the surgery I’m at has two transgender patients on their books who are children and that they were sent to Leeds which had good results but Leeds is one of two GIC Clinics for children in the UK.

One of my first ever pictures as female

My Doctor said that he will have to ring me to discuss where I can go and the options that I have so hopefully I will hear from him soon and get on the waiting list for a GIC Clinic where it’s looking like it will be Nottingham or Northampton, but I’m not really looking into so soon. The next step is hearing from my doctor.

Part of my Journey and an old picture

I will post updates of when that happens and I’m still thinking about making videos, I just hate hearing my voice on a mic and I won’t even sound anything like a girl, so it’s a hard choice and something I’m anxious about.

Thanks for reading 

Naive definition: Having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information; credulous.

Hey All!

This week topic is called: Naive with Summer Blues. Let’s start off with the word Naive.

Naive

Would I describe myself as being naive since learning about being Bi-Gender? The answer is yes and still am now. The picture that I took from then to now shows it all. The thing is every person in this world is naive when they start something. It can be for anything, blogging, starting a new business, starting work, getting a new home etc the list goes on and this is all down to having the lack of experience in the direction that you are going. You can look it up and really research into it... It helps a lot but when it comes too actually doing when you haven't it will show and as you progress you will get better at doing it.

So me starting out yes I was Bi-Gender but I was really a guy in a dress and makeup plus wearing a £7 fancy dress wig (Hate using the word) to now a £80 real hair wig. I would say most people when they realise who they are and start to change the gender roles they will be the same, due to the lack of experience and the other things that surrounds the word naive. As I said in other posts I didn't start off spending big on things that would change my body, looks, and my face being with makeup and even thing that would reshape the outline of my body. Which made me naive as I had the lack of information and experience to do and accomplish the things I have done now.

First ever picture

                                                                                16.4.14    

Christmas Eve before going meeting people

 for the first time as female

24.12.14

Most recent 19.5.15

Even now I look back at the old pictures of me and think about how much I've changed to the women I am now, but even though I started to see an increase of likes in my Facebook profile and other websites I've started to get more noticed and even now I'm still naive to many things. I now feel sorry to women now when it comes to the idiotic men that thinking it's okay to sending you a messages on how much they want to have intercourse with you, some know about me being Bi-Gender which turns them on and some don't. It's great that they see beauty and everything but not all females want an easy time with someone that is desperate... Plus for me I only like females regardless of my gender so unlucky there.  I don't want to be there for you but Redtube is. (it was a favourite/bookmark on my Ex-girlfriend’s PC browser)

Naive with summer blues

Back onto subject at the moment I'm extremely naive to clothes. I love shopping online and the Wish App has really been helpful to me, but I'm not a summer girl so I have so much lack of information on what to wear in the summer, but I'm always checking blogs, Primania, twitter and looking around shops online. Not had the chance to go out looking for inspiration to what other people are wearing. The only thing that is good is that no one has put their boots away yet, I know anytime soon my boots will have to go into hibernation till September. I know boots will be big over the summer but they're the gladiator boots which I will not be a part of the trend, and I know I love my boots but not for the gladiator range.

As for my clothes I've just bought my first official summer dress. At the start of the month I spent ages looking on the Wish App as when it comes to doing new things in this case fashion I will always try to find the cheapest item of clothing to start off with then spend bigger if I like where it's going. So I bought a few items. A black floppy (which has been in for over a year and all seasons also this was off eBay) some sunglasses (Black frame and big) which I've never worn in my life even as male.

The Dress is weird as people on my Facebook have messaged me saying they like the skirt... Yeah its part of the dress. I suppose the reason why it looks like a dress is due to it comes with a belt, which matches the lower part giving it the skirt illusion. The top part of the dress is very plain but that does give me the opportunity to add to it. So a jacket maybe ? Other accessories to make it look less boring? I put black tights and knee boots with them. They are the ones which has a bow on the side for detail, probably the hardest boots I have to walking also. I also styled my hair slightly differently with a sweeping fringe, I think it's called. It's a start and apart from shoes and the other items I mentioned I think I'm going in the right direction might just take a month or two... Or when summer is over.

Overall I don't think being Naive is such a negative word, with me documenting every time I've presented female it has shown me how far I've come to where I am now, even though I still feel that I’m still on the learning path I know that my experiences will change and from the pictures I think many of you might agree I’m on the right path.

Hey all

It has been a while since I posted a something about a particular topic and this week I want to talk about what it must be like living with someone that has to see the changes that people are Bi-Gender and I can imaging people that are Transgender also.

Being Bi-gender isn't easy and same goes for transgender but even though I have spoken to people and looked through forums and other peoples blogs I've never seen anything about who they live with, nor do I see many thank the people that they live with also. (I'm mainly on about the people that accept them or has no choice but has to put up living with them)

It must be hard or weird for my Dad as I don't general present female much, it works out works out like 3/4 time a month which really is nothing. I won't let anyone see me when I feel that my gender has switched completely and I will be a total bitch if anyone decides to walk into my room when I'm getting ready. I will never tell anyone that I'm going to get ready as female mainly as I generally just start to get ready without thinking about it, but I've noticed that it will happen when my Dad has nipped out or fast asleep either on the couch or in bed, so I don't get disturbed . I will generally give hints during the day if I feel conflicted which my Dad never gets. The biggest hint is that I always want to do things early as possible mainly in the mornings so I can get sorted then get ready and spend the rest of the day as female if the switch happens.

One thing that I had on my mind was how would it affect him seeing me before he goes to sleep or when he nips out then the next time he sees me it's coming out of my bedroom door with longer blonde hair, boobs, and female clothing all without warning. I must have some effect on his mind even if its for one minute. Going out just for 10 mins or so having a nap on the couch seeing me as his son then coming back and 20/30 mins after hes back  or woken up then seeing me as his daughter. It must have some effect.

The big thing is he acts all fine about it, it might not bother him but my point of this post is what about the other people that are Bi-Gender/Transgender that live with someone. How do they feel? (you could live with a friend) I spent most of my Christmas at my friends on boxing day I went shopping with him, got back to his went up stairs to his gaming room went to the loo and 40 mins later I came back to his room as female. It didn't look like it bothered him mainly as he has gotten used to it but it was at his house. He probably knew as he knew I took my stuff just in case and I told him that it could happen and he could of guess that I was getting ready as female, but there is something called a poker face. It makes me wounder do we really appreciate the people that we live with as it mustn't be easy for them seeing there love one/friend go into the loo or not seeing them for a period of time hiding away and then watching them walk through a door as the opposite gender.

So this post goes out to the people that has to cope living with use.

Thank you

Updates and stuff


This Update is for 2015 New Year, New Me.

After I've spoken to a few friends about the clothes I wear and the comments made about them and my body I've decided to add a dress, leggings/tights. I've been told on a few occasions that I have really good legs and I should try the the dress and legging etc so I've started to. On boxing day it was the first time I wore a dress (hoodie dress), leggings, leatherette shorts and knee high boots. It was only since I did the post on footwear did a few of my friends actually say about my legs, as I've always worn jeans when I've been out.

The hoodie dress is extremely comfy and I wore with leggings and my knee boots that I got from New Look. It was snowing also so I had to go out, when cars/people went past no one looked at me any different.. well not what I noticed.

I also managed to get my hands on the boots similar to what I wanted from Schuh/River Island but I had to order them from China which came in 2 weeks and less than the delivery expected time. So I decided stuff it lets wear them when I went to McDonald's with my Dad.

I didn't get any pictures before I went to McD's,

 but this is pretty much what I wore just with legging instead.

Last Sunday 11th Jan was the first time presenting as female that I've been out with my Dad even it was a 10-15 minute drive to my local McDonald's, I did wear the boots throughout the day and I wasn't changing them when I went to McDonald's. I didn't go in and it was due to my Dad wanted to go inside to order rather than the drive thru, I was going to go in as I noticed a few people that saw me on Christmas Eve that was working when I look through the window. One thing stopped me and that was the local kids that have been plaguing the store and cause trouble, with it being my first time out with my Dad I didn't want to ruin it by going in and them finding out and trouble that it could caused so I stopped the car.

I can tell why this design has been copied and more than one clothes chain stocks this design. Also it has got fashion blogger going wild over them to and I can see why, there extremely comfy and I know I could walk in them all day, you can't tell that there's much of a heel because of the way the platform of the boot is designed and the fabric on your leg is super soft... Well for mine it is and mine isn't suede, for me it's like wearing a slipper haha. The boots can also be worn with practically anything, I teamed my boots with a tartan dress, legging which and wore a long coat with faux fur round the sleeves and the hood. I didn't realize the coat was chocolate colour as I'm sure the shop said it was black but meh I like it and it's a start of my collection of winter coats.

The week of 12th-18th Jan I few things has happened not relating to me being female but I will be blogging about. Also from tomorrow 19th Jan, I'm officially off work for a week and I will use it to write a few posts and hopefully some new things will happen, such as waking up and getting dressed as female for the first time rather than in the afternoon, going out on my own as female, who knows what could happen.