It has been a while since I did a Road to the GIC post. Now we are back with part 4, which is about closing out 2018. It was an important year for me but overall it was pretty amazing! I actually started my transition journey, got on the GIC waiting list, and managed to be accepted to start Hormones Replacement Therapy (HRT). This post talks not just about bumping into issues with my GP surgery which delayed me receiving my hormones a little but also about how I tackled online negativity and of how my path has been different because I managed to start HRT through the NHS early. 

Recap

I left the last part off where I traveled to Harrogate to see my endocrinologist and I was told that I would start full courses of HRT which would be the injection for the testosterone blocker and the patches for estrogen pills. It was all looking up and going well transition wise anyway.

However! It was one hell of battle afterward.

Troublesome Hormones

I decided to give my GP practice 3 weeks to get the information from Harrogate about my blood results thinking it would take a week, Specially as I didn’t need to have a blood appointment, After 3 weeks I heard nothing an made an inquiry about my bloods to which my clinic didn’t receive them. The 3 weeks was extremely hard as during that time I traveled loads to and from Harrogate, The next day to London (and around London for a gig and sorting a few things out), the next day to Essex, Then London, then home… The for the next day (13th November) at 9am to be reunited with old colleagues (back to my old job) so 4 days of traveling and carrying heavy luggage to starting work less than 12  hrs after I got home... I was exhausted! 

After ringing Harrogate they said that they received the blood tests on the 12^th of November and a note were written and sent out the same day. Which was impressive saying the bloods were done on Friday! On the phone, I was delivered a little bit of a blow and wasn’t easy to take at the time which was that I was to be put on patches for the estrogen and not pills because my liver levels were elevated. 

So I had to look into why they were elevated. After speaking to other people through Facebook and checking online. I rang Harrogate to double-check but I had to wait for a callback. This turned out to be an event itself as the day they called me back to confirm changing my diet and doing exercise would help, I was out in Manchester, all dressed as female for the first time on my own but also as I have not trained my voice yet it meant answering the phone dressed as female but talking as male in a packed-out city centre! I did it and at that moment I really knew I generally didn't care what people thought. Everything came back and was confirmed that was the path to take to reduce my liver levels. 

I was meant to start HRT on 14th December 2018 but due to a misunderstanding with my GP practice, it meant starting HRT was to be delayed. They said they needed a shared care agreement and this had to come from Harrogate. A Shared-Care Agreement is for two different parties. So a specialist and your GP for prescribing and managing drugs as well as responsibilities. Harrogate disputed this and never heard of one. All they did was just advise my GP what to do and send the guidelines over that was that! So after 3 days of thrashing it out again with my GP surgery and their manager of the place I won yet another battle. You would think they would have learned after the previous times I’ve had to challenge them. Even now over 12 months on I’ve had to battle on something which will be spoken about on another post but I still retain a 100% record against them and because everything I’ve done is documented and all the research I have done it is pretty hard to lose. I know they don’t want to get it wrong which is understandable but for the patient, this is highly frustrating when you’re giving them the correct information, within one day you would have expected the clinic to have rung Harrogate to confirm this.

Although there was a delay and I had to go on to another way of having estrogen the end result was still a success and the same to a point. I managed to not just get on HRT before my first appointment with my GIC, I managed to prove people wrong by obtaining them officially through the NHS and going through the channels I was told to go through. I wish this was the only issue I had to deal with at the time but it really wasn’t, I had to deal with another issue… Social media backlash.  

The Hate

Since achieving and going public about starting HRT through the NHS so soon before my first appointment with the Gender Identity Clinic things didn’t go too well with some people. I did mainly get support from trans people, but there were some trans that didn't approve. I got a lot of hate and people tried to bully me! I found that some of the people that gave me negativity/hate and tried to abuse me online were not just trans people who were transitioning but were trans people that had already transitioned... It gets worse some were people that had worked within charities, people that played big importance in the transgender movement such as protests, marches, and some even spoke at events within their workplaces. 

If they would have been reading my blog they would have found how I've followed the system including official letters from the GIC.

From the odd comments on pictures and statuses to main messages. Apparently, I cheated the system, I don’t deserve to go on HRT. I would have people saying they followed or read my blog posts and said my blog was dangerous and that I was too dangerous to the trans community. It came to a point where almost every post even if it wasn't about transitioning would get a snide comment. It wasn’t what was said that hurt me. What got to me really, was the people that I looked up to, the people I thought were there for me. I know I was unfriended by people that have been in these movements. You would hear these people say everyone transitions differently, but yet when I did something differently its wrong, it's dangerous to others. While some I blocked and reported, I tried to keep some on my list and even though a few of my friends said to delete them long ago I still kept them as I thought I thought can change them around. My advice is don’t. Get rid. If people become so nasty/negative and not supportive of your path even if they’re in the same community public or not then they are not the right people for you. This goes for anything in life.

It might not seem like a really bad comment but it's comments like these the trans community fight against, its comments like these which do get to people and can have adverse effects on someone's mental health.

Anyway, after the terrible October 2018, I had to turn it around quickly I wasn’t letting it get to me and with me. Being public and documenting my transition I wasn’t going to let these people stop me. I wasn’t going to change my attitude and what I do to change. For the people that know me is I will always try to have a laugh and not take everything too seriously because life is too short to be moody, let others get to you. Ariana Grande released her music video too ‘Thank U, Next’ which the video connected to me and the song being out way before instantly connected. So I got the idea to do something I’ve never done before and that dress in a fancy dress outfit as female, some would say a sexy outfit… which yeah it was… but really I would say for me it was done exasperatedly. I wore leather tight high boots, I had long leather gloves, I wore gloves in the cold and I've always felt more secure in boots than shoes. So I thought stuff it! I spoke to a friend about the idea which she said she loved idea and I went ahead with it. I know I had a point to prove that I don’t care what they thought, I don’t care what they throw at me. I don’t think the picture was the best but with the time restrictions, I had as my dad came home to where I sent him out (no he didn't see me in the outfit) I took it and posted it and the status with that post on Facebook and Instagram which was aimed at everyone that gave me crap tried to belittle me, tried to knock me down.

You know what from that picture I only got support, not one person that didn’t support me commented and since then only a couple of people for about 6 months tried to continue, one of them after messaging them saying I would meet up with them, showed them everything but kept commenting and ignoring what I sent and I got fed up and said “if you don’t like how I’m transitioning, do one” within less than 30 mins she unfriended me. Soon after all people from my friend's list went and I've never heard from them since. I managed to be free! I asked others to meet up that gave me abuse or negativity and not a single one accepted nor got back to me. I wouldn’t mind but I was willing to travel. I know I don't have to answer to anyone in life, I know I didn't have to challenge anyone but I felt since I've been in the public and showing my journey, Why would I let anyone get away with it? I would be told, "I say it how I see it." That is well and good and I admire people being honest but you have to know everything before you say it. I posted everything I had from referrals to even post my screening results from Leeds sent to my GP. So saying they followed and saying I skipped a process when it was on there. I something I will not put up with.

I find people will not give you many issues if you're not doing well in life, people, however, will try to knock you down and speak up if you're doing something right. They will try to give you negativity, abuse and try to bully and try to put you down, you will find that they are really and truly bitter or jealous that you managed to achieve what they didn’t or couldn’t have. Overall you will get more people that will support and be happy for your achievements and they are the people you listen to!

These comments I really don't care what people think. This was done by 2 different people

It still hurts now remembering that some of the people who turned on me, It hurts as some of them represented the community I am a part of, some I looked up too. I still cannot get my head around why people that happily say they’re standing up for a community and giving trans people a voice only, standing up to bullying, hate, transphobia etc to show me and I've seen some no decorum to others, no moral and complete indecency. These people will happily shout out that over 40% of transgender people comment suicide through various reasons, happily blame waiting times at gender identity clinics, blame people that aren’t trans for bullying but not once will you hear a bad thing about its own community. It makes me wonder what type of person claims to be someone or was someone that was a part of something to behave the way they did. 

To get on HRT I had to work really hard, I was told by many trans people that I would not get on HRT through the NHS until I was being seen by my GIC. My clinic was clueless about how to go about it, they didn’t know the processes, where to refer me etc. I had to do that all myself, I got 4 referral rejections and they couldn't see why... I had to find this out also. Even now with hormones, I'm still having to battle. I had to prove to them where they had to refer me to for the GIC, I had to prove and show where they could refer me too in order for me to start HRT. It has not been an easy ride as people think! The best thing for me personally is what I have achieved and how I have done it and that I am sharing it with everyone and I am truly proud of my journey. I know not everyone can be as lucky as me. There is so much transphobia in the NHS but at least and I prey, it gives hope to others.

14 - 16 months on I have the right people around me, I have people that care, people that want to follow my journey properly, people that have helped me. I’m lucky to have so many people that I cannot just call my friends, family but call my heroes. Some people have heroes that are famous but for me, its people that I can say are or have been in a similar situation that can guide me, willing to help others. I don't just call these people my heroes I call them my friends. 

Thank you for reading and till next time see you guys soon.

Sarah

Xxx 

Hey Guys

December has been very quiet for me and I only presented female twice, both was big occasions. It was the worst when it came from suffering dysphoria also. I don't have a specific topic this week but I have updates on other post which relate to posts that I did about Clothes, Shaving and Bullying etc.

Weight/body Fat
When I started my new job I was in a males size 38/42 pants, within the 6 months I've cut the junk food mostly and eat healthy, with all the running round the warehouse, and a little exercise I'm back down to a 32/34. The only problem is I have none of these sizes in clothes yet, and having to wear a belt, and now my female clothes are also becoming slightly big also. It's still weird as even though I'm shrinking in body mass I'm still 14st/ around 196 ibs

My eating pattern has also changed, I have a healthy...ish breakfast which consists of one bowl of cereal (normally something whole grain) or beans, sausage on toast, then I will head out to work, after my first bus I will have bacon and sausage barm with a latte all my milk is semi-skimmed even for breakfast. Then around 13:30/14:00 I will have my dinner which is normally sandwiches chicken or turkey less fat with two bags of salt and vinegar squares (94 cals per pag) and that will be it till the next morning. I will sometimes eat when I get home but very rarely.

Planning To Do Videos
I also now have a web cam and I'm thinking of doing some video for a while, but due to time mainly and I've not felt any different regards to my gender it has just been male. r. If anyone wants to ask any me any question doesn't matter how silly they might be just ask them. (Questions are only silly if you know the answer to them)

The only questions that I will say about because many people have ask me them is;

1. Are you gay? (meaning will I like men) A. I will always like women no matter which gender role I feel, I have always like female and forever will.
2. Do I sit down when going to the bathroom/restroom? I do that most time even when I present male, nothing worse when your standing up and it goes wrong and everywhere I really can't be bothered cleaning up.

Shaving

Since I posted about Shaving I have changed how I have been shaving and also my skin is becoming more used to it also. I still get rashes on my chest, my Thighs are clearing up from rashes and spots and my skin is smoother than one of my friends. I've started using sugar body scrub once a week and really I shouldn't use it after I've shaved as it does open up little cuts caused by shaving, but the results are just brilliant. I will use post shaving cream after I have dried myself but the journey goes on. I have started to shaving in the bath as the temperature of the water is more constant and opens the paws of your skin meaning a better shave... Apparently
The down side is that my bath is extremely small so trying to get to some areas is harder, I do have a shower after shaving as you're washing yourself in your hairs which thinking about it is disgusting.

Pain is beauty

Make-Up 

My make-up collection has also increased mainly eye shadows and blush. When buying presents for Christmas I came across the No.7 range that Boots do. Most of the products they have get really good reviews and I though why not try some of the products they offer, so I decided on a bundle which was 4 eye shadows, one blusher, make up brushes, eye lash curler and some lip gloss.They came in this neat little bag that also came with a neat price tag of £50.

During the Black Friday deals on amazon I kind of screwed up when buying more make-up with out reading what he item actually was I kind of rushed to buy and when it came I realized that it was a Bratz brand and looking at it and my thought of stuff it lets try it. It made me think that this is aimed at young girls maybe early teens and if I had any kids of my own I would never allow my daughter to wear it as a casual day to day thing... unless it was a fancy dress or something along those lines. It had like a gel type eye shadows of many colors, two shades of blush, and two lipsticks red and like a dark pink. Which all comes in a neat box.

Harassment 

As some of you have read in one of my post was that I started to suffer from a couple of small mind less intellectual people that started to harass me. After the post it got worse and worse and even other people started to notice that it was going on. At one point the way they was commenting on my sexuality and gender started to get stronger. This week (Mon 15th- Sun 21st Dec) it go to the point where I just had enough, I just want to come to work and do my job. This week one of the douche bags cut a bag up and in front of his friends just shouted out. "Nick here's a dress, try it on."

That got to me instantly as at the time I was suffering from so much dysphoria with my gender it was just horrible without someone trying to make it worse. This one is a small guy and as a person that is very loud but I thought to myself he had some intellect about him so I thought I would tell him the basic of what Bi-Gender really is. I pretty much said for me dressing as female is just the tip of the ice burg and not something that happens loads, its the feelings that I have which really make things difficult. His response proved me wrong and made me feel so low. "well you shouldn't wear a dress then"

At that point I had to go for my tea break and have a think. I went to a room where no one goes where I was just hiding my tears just if anyone came in the room. I had a think about my next move knowing if I let it slip now it would get even worse for both parties and I didn't want to go back to the dark aggressive world I used to live in and in this case leave the little bastards flat on their arse in the car park, which would of made things loads worse for me anyways and I don't think I would be serving others similar to me very well.

Luckily the department manager knows about me being Bi-Gender and has known for a while so when I came back off my break, I spoke to him away from the warehouse and told him what it's like and how I feel about being Bi-Gender and what was going on. He took action straight away when we got back to the warehouse, I don't know what was said or what he did but since then I've had no trouble. I said I didn't want any disciplines I just wanted it to stop as the two lads are just clowns and people that when you see dicking around making themselves look like pricks it just makes you laugh and that is what they do. They make the department more bearable to work in. I Think I should of told my department manager about this a while ago. On my mind was when I told the boss of the company he told me its how I deal with the negativity as not everyone would except it. I knew that also but I expected it to come from the people that was religious and are strong to their culture that don't except transgender/homosexual people etc, and the worse thing about is they haven't. It's all come from English people, which aren't religious or cultured.

A few day after it all happened I did get a few pats on the back from other people saying I did the right thing via telling management and got a few people saying they was proud of me for going down that route. Don't get me wrong kicking the hell out of someone is fun when they have upset you, and when your bigger, taller and stronger its funny but it's never the answer, it will make you feel better for a while but I see it like drinking you will have a come down or a hangover and it will hit you. The consequences could be hard on you such as being on work premises you could get sacked, get arrested and the biggest one is you could feel guilt. Not a feeling that I would take easy as i'm not a person to feel guilt so I would have no idea how I would cope feeling it.

Clothes and fashion Sense

I really want some more cloths without waiting. This means going out as female as buying female clothes as male is something that I don't want to do. I think we will be raiding Primark for cloths main reason for that is the clothes are cheap so I can easily find the style and choice of clothing without spending loads of money. I went Manchester with a close friend and she wanted to go into Primark which was awesome as it meant I could scout out cloths and the main reason what size of footwear they do up to, I saw some boots in my size so it made me happy so when the times comes of me going to shop for clothes as female I won't be wasting much time looking. I do intend to look in River Island still as I still need a coat and I've only seen one from River Island that I like. If I find one in Primark I will get it and wait for the one in River Island. I would like my first time out to be with as many friends as possible as I don't want any trouble and if there a good few of you, it will be harder for people to start trouble, Plus it will make me feel better being with people for support.

who knows when it will be or what will happen next.

If there is one is one thing about being different to other people whether its being homosexual, Transgender, Bi-Gender, or dressing towards a culture (Goth, Emo etc) and many more you will have that one person at least that will either take a joke to far or really make life hard for you to benefit themselves.

Luckily for me I have had so much support it's been amazing and made me so confident and has really made me what I am today, but now I have bumped into problems, it's surrounding this one individual. He calls me names, he talks out aloud to people that didn't even know, he really does go to town on me. Personally I don't see him as a bully, just an idiot that thinks it's funny and doesn't understand the concept of what Bi-Gender is... Probably never will.

It's been going on for a month now, I don't find it funny but I don't find it where it upsets me, I don't let him get the best of me. It pisses me off but that is the hard part, it makes me think "Boy if I could only finish at 17:30 and knock him out in the car park" or just go round to where he goes on a night out and get him there. As awesome as it would be to get my own back it isn't the answer. Accepting your different means that you have to be strong on the inside. The thing is I know that I have nothing bad to feel about as I know he has a daughter and I know he takes drugs (I remember him telling me in August/September). I don't know how much he sees his daughter but I know he aint worth it, as I'm sure his daughter will end up disowning him when she comes of age if he carries on, that is if he hasn't over dosed himself by then.

Some of the names I get called or phrases  that are used are;

"Lady Boy"
"Go get a frock on"
"No, you can't suck my Dick"
"Go Suck dick"
"Stop looking at my ass" (which I don't nothing to see)
"Stop touching me" (why the hell would I do such a thing)

He also likes to sing a song which is really only one line which no one laughs at mainly as he can't finish it.

"He wears a frock he loves the cock Nick,Nick"

Mostly are aimed at me liking other males which I know i'm not. Even when I present female, I will always go for females.
It generally makes me laugh, it really does. Mainly as he really is a fucking idiot. he's lazy, a prick and he doesn't think his life is worse than mine. I generally don't talk to him unless I need to. It's him that starts something from nothing. I know many people would get upset or pissed off but that's not how I work. If I can't handle someone that says a load of bull then how and I going to handle when someone does worse? I know it will happen at some point.

Name calling doesn't hurt specially when it's from someone you don't care about. If he dies tomorrow I'm not going to give a fuck, if he comes in saying he can't see his kid (again i'm not sure if he can or not but if) I will generally not show any compassion. Why would you? He went round telling people that I didn't tell and made up a load of bull. Yes you can lash out but the biggest question is? Is it worth your job? No its not. I spend around 5-6 hours and I don't see him all the time, plus their is a chance I won't be in the same area for my time there.

The thing that does my head in is how inaccurate everything he uses are, or when he tells other people that I never told. 99% of the time when hes on his own he says nothing, So is getting worked up worth it? Not really when I'm taller and around 4 stone heavier and still faster that what he is.

I only see this as a positive as everything he says is wrong anyway and I know that my life is so much better than his. I know that Karma will happen and will affect him more than it will with me. I know I have so many people that are with me than against me. If you're transgender, Bi-Gender, Homosexual, Emo, Goth etc it doesn't mean you have to take the shit people give you. It's about how you react to people. You go to work to work, not really to make friends. If you do good, a nice bonus.

My advice to you if your going through the same or similar is don't let people bring you down especially if you have great support and following like I have. Look to the future, so if you just have to work with them why let it bother you?
Bullying is what you think of the situation really. For me its someone that's trying to look cool in front of people. When he has been on his own he normally talks to me about football. (NFL and soccer) so for me it doesn't really get to me so let him have his cheap laughs as I know his problem outside of work will be worse than mine. One day he will piss the wrong person off and they will swing for him.

If you feel that you're getting bullied their are many ways to deal with it if you want to stop.

• Talk to that person. (They might not know they're hurting or offending you)
• Talk to the next in command. (sometimes it better as they're not snotty and can put things in better perspective for that person that has offended/upset you)
• Talk to HR. (HR - Human Resources are a great way to settle most issues and have all the information to help you and help put a stop to bullying, but not all HR departments are great)
• Talk to the higher ups or even owners depending on what type of business you work in. (If you talk to your bosses and they know about your situation than it's great way to sort any issue out as they will act)
• If all else fails there are many methods that can be helped outside of the work place, such as legal action, or in the UK we have a service called Acas.

Acas

Acas are great to use. They give free advice for problems in the workplace. This service can be used for employees and employers, They offer other services at a price to business to help them with the HR side of things. Acas has government sponsor so you are guaranteed not go get rubbish only the impartial information that you need for the issue that you have. They will give you the rights that you have as an employer or employee and will even give you links to the right places. They will help you for all business HR related questions not just bullying.

Contact details

Number: 0300 123 1100 (UK)

Hours: (8am-8pm Monday to Friday and 9am-1pm Saturday)

I Don't think there's an e-mail but even if there was I wouldn't use it. I would advise you speak to them so you know how they sound on the phone and they can always e-mail you the information you need. You can always write notes down using pen and paper or use notepad, word etc. These for me are a last resort but you can also compare notes from what your HR or bosses say to what Acas say. Acas will tell you what is law.